Tuesday, February 18, 2014

No matter how cold the winter, there's a springtime ahead. i smile, but who am i kidding? i'm just walking the miles, every once in a while i'll get a ride. i'm thumbing my way back to heaven. - Pearl Jam "Thumbing My Way to Heaven"

THE BLOG WHERE I BREAK DOWN AND FINALLY COMPLAIN ABOUT ALL OF THIS F*CKING SNOW

What is up kids?

Wait don't tell me, let me guess.... you're sick of this snow aren't you?  Yeah i know, i am too.  And man i've been doing my best not to bring it up on this blog, because to me there is nothing more boring then talking about the gddamn weather. ESPECIALLY talking about the snow in New Jersey during winter time. Because guess what kids?  It snows in New Jersey during the winter!  So when it happens please don't act so gddamn surprised!  If people chilling by the equator started every day by saying, "Boy it is HOT out today!  And sunny!!  Can any of you believe all of this sun, and all of this HEAT?? Who would have expected it to be so gosh darn hot at the Equator in July?!?!"
If you heard people living in warm climates saying this kind of nonsense you would probably look at them and be like, "wow, what moronic complaining aholes to be talking about the heat at the equator in July!  Don't they get it's supposed to be hot there during the summer?  What is their problem?  i wish they would just shut up and die!"  And while you were like that i would be thinking i feel the exact same way about people complaining about the winter here in Jersey...
But i get it kids, this winter f'n SUCKS.  Even i've been broken down to the point where i need to comment on it because it's hard to think about anything else.  How can you?  The blinding white and grey landscape we get the privilege to look at day in and day out.  The nonstop shoveling of the snow from your driveway to the walkway to the stairs, to even the top of your car which is hard to reach without that long brush you can't remember where you put in the garage.  It's the same motherf*cking thing every gddamn day!!!!
And the worst thing about this winter is that there is hardly any good television on to watch right now.  i mean c'mon, the Olympics?  Who watches that nonsense?  Besides Jay John i mean, and he only watches because he's hoping for a repeat performance from his favorite Olympian of all time.
And "Tosh.O" and "Portlandia" aren't back on yet, which means if it weren't for "The Walking Dead" i wouldn't have anything to look forward to each week.  What else am i going to watch, all of those reality shows on Bravo or those cheesy sitcoms i can't stand like "How i met your Mother" and "Big Bang Theory?"  i know most of America has no problem with those shows but for some reason i just can't get into them...
And don't get me started on "The Tonight Show w/ Jimmy Fallon" either.  i honestly have nothing against the guy and think he's very likable and talented and charismatic.  i just don't happen to find him that funny at all.  Maybe because to me he just tries TOO hard, or maybe it's because i always saw him as an Adam Sandler rip off on SNL the way he played songs on Weekend Update and was always so nervous and shy the way Adam Sandler made famous.

Or maybe it's just because it seems as though his biggest talent is his ability to get the biggest names in Hollywood to be on his show.  He's so likable and popular that every A lister is down to go on with him and do bits because they know they will be safe and there will zero controversy and it's all scripted with no "live" off the cuff moments which is what a talk show should really be all about.  Maybe it's all these things that make me not such a big fan, i don't know. Or maybe it's because i'm Team Coco all the way, and still never got over the way he got shafted for the Tonight Show!!!
But i get it kids, it's hard not to be miserable with all of this snow.  But hopefully i am able to make you laugh today and bring a little sunshine into your hearts on this cold dreary day.  And if not you can go F yourself!  Or at the very least you can help me make a snowman in my driveway.  And by help i mean do it all yourself, and i won't even charge you a thing!!

RANDOM NONSENSE

- If you want to listen to Beck's new album "Morning Phase" before it hits shelves (and if you don't then you really need to question what kind of human being you are) then you can go hear it now because it is streaming for free HERE on NPR.com! And if that link doesn't work for some reason then go and check it out here: http://www.npr.org/2014/02/16/274773496/first-listen-beck-morning-phase.  You are WELCOME everyone!
And do they say albums are "hitting the shelves" anymore Jewell?  Oh wait, they have the metric system they wouldn't even know what the f*ck a quarter pounder is.  But yeah i'm guessing they don't use that phrase anymore because everyone downloads everything.  Oh well, i'm old as f*ck now, what are you gonna do?  i guess no one remembers what i'm talking about anymore...
And even if you are old enough to remember that game you will only remember the next reference if you are old and you were the younger brother or sister!
- Did you know that honey NEVER goes bad, and you can eat it no matter what?  Even if it crystallizes or changes colors over the years, honey is always safe to consume.  My girlfriend just read that to me from some Huffington Post list about food and i figured i'd throw it here on this blog. Not because it's funny, but because if you get nothing out of my blog today yet still learn that new fact then i have done my job.  And if you already knew that fact and i didn't teach you anything then you have REALLY wasted your time reading this...

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - It's crazy, but it's also a fact that no matter how old you get your handwriting never changes.  Isn't that odd? i mean obviously your physical features change.  And mentally most of us start to form new opinions and thoughts at some point.  Well unless you are a Conservative Republican of course and then nothing should change EVER.  "No more big government! Stop with all the free handouts! Bring back Slavery!"  Haha just kidding.  Conservatives don't want to stop all the free handouts just most of them.  But anyways yeah your handwriting never changes, and i have the exact same handwriting that i did when i was a kid. And it is AWFUL. If i ever have kids, or if the courts ever prove that any of them are really mine i am definitely going to make sure they pay attention in handwriting class.  i know i didn't and mine looks like a cross-eyed 7 year old with ADD who just drank 3 coffee's and a Redbull signed my name.
So today you learned that honey never goes bad and you also learned your handwriting never changes. What a wealth of free gddamn knowledge i'm giving to you kids on this winter day!

- It's very rare that i get to say goodbye to an "Icon" in these blogs, especially considering it feels like just yesterday that i did my best to give a "fond farewell" to  television "legend" Jay Leno.  But today i feel it is my "honor" to pay "tribute" to one of New York's most "amazing" athletes of our time.  Derek Jeter not only won 5 World Championship Rings playing for the team with the highest payroll of all time, but even more importantly then that he was able to never get married and stay a bachelor, lining up a bevy of beauties that only Leo and Clooney can compete with.  And oh yeah the Indian guy from "That 70's Show" too for some reason...
But if you didn't hear the news, this "greatest Yankee of all time" is calling it quits after this season, so lucky for us we get to watch ANOTHER season of teams kissing ass and giving presents to another Yankee after watching it game after game with Mariano last year.  And can someone please tell me when this trend started in baseball?  Since when do teams do that for retiring players?  Or is that something just the Yankees made up?  Oh, just the Yankees do this kind of nonsense?  Oh well, they have the most championships and highest payroll in all of sports so i guess they can do whatever they want.  The same way i can say "good bye" to Derek in any way that i want on this blog, and in a way that i find very fitting right now. And that is to say to Jeter, from the bottom of my heart....

LATER DICK!

And that's it for me today kids!  i can't lie, these last two blogs have been FANTASTIC!  In fact, if you haven't read my last one you should go do so now because it was also tremendous.  It looks like after almost 3 years and almost 300 blogs i'm finally starting to get good at this nonsense!

But i hope you guys have a great day, even in this awful weather.  And i hope you "like" and "Share" my blog on Facebook and/or Twitter because that always makes me happy, and because when i am rich and famous i promise not to forget about any of you!  Except for Jay John. And Chuck.  And definitely Burns.  And Kohl.  But definitely not Jewell because he's a beautiful man and i love him.  Just like i love the rest of you kinda!

Cya Friday!  @migueljose_85 on Twitter

1 comment:

  1. The f'n snow?! Is that what everyones talking about? I def didn't get it. Yesterday my wife says to me "I'm not looking forward to those 3 inches tonight." And I'm like wtf it's almost 4 when it's hard. But I guess I feel better now. Oh and I been team coco since 1999.

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