Friday, December 27, 2013

I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Every day, once a day, give yourself a present. Don't plan it. Don't wait for it. Just let it happen. It could be a new shirt at the men's store, a catnap in your office chair, or two cups of good, hot, black coffee. - FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper, "Twin Peaks"

THE BLOG WHERE I SAY "LATER DICKS!" TO 2013...

What is up kids?

Well besides me dropping a "Twin Peaks" reference on y'all despite the fact that almost none of you will even get that reference i'll tell you what's up, it's the last blog of 2013!!  This has been an amazing year for me, and to be honest i can truly say it was one of the greatest years of my life.  Which is odd to say, because usually i end each year thinking "Later Dick!"  And i can't wait for the new year to start and hopefully have a good one.

And not that this year was perfect, not by far.  There were some awful an unexpected goodbyes that had to be said, and there were some changes that occurred that made sure our lives will never be the same again. But i'm old enough and wise enough now to appreciate all the love and friendship i have in my life, and this year i was lucky to be rich in both.  "Yeah no $hit you're old buddy.  Why do you think everyone thinks you're such a creep for being into young girls? And what's your deal with Kate Upton? She's basically half your age you creepy basterd!!"

Well first of all, age to me is just a number.  i believe that if two people meet, no matter how many years in age they are apart, that if true love is spawned in their souls then they must pursue their happiness relentlessly and forever follow their heart where their dreams will take them, especially when they have found light in a world filled with darkness.  And i also can't help digging hot young blondes with big boobs, sue me.  And since Kate is the hottest young blond with big real boobs she's a borderline miracle!!!

And speaking of miracles, like the Ramones or even Pearl Jam doing a cover i believe in them!!!  And that is because this past Monday night i went into my championship game of my fantasy football league with only one player going, and that was my IDP Navarro Bowman.  If you don't know who he is, he's the defensive player that completed this insane play with 1 minute left to go in the game...
DO ANY OF YOU UNDERSTAND HOW INSANE THAT WAS?!?!?!  No, you don't.  And honestly, even if i had the time to explain it i'm not a good enough writer to capture how impossible that play to win me the championship was.  Let's just say there was probably a better chance of me winning that Mega Millions jackpot a week or so ago that was like 680 million beans.  That's how unlikely it was for that play to happen, no joke. Especially considering it was set up by an Onside kick that Atlanta recovered.  i needed THAT miracle just to have a CHANCE at the miracle play above in order to only win by 3 f'n points.  Who could ever believe all of that could happen??!?!

Not me, and even after it happened i still don't believe in it.  Maybe when i'm holding the first place money as well as the league trophy i will finally start to believe it, but for now i'm still in shock with just how amazing my luck was and how incredible my life is.  Which brings this rant back to where it started, mostly because i'm a better writer then i give myself credit for!!!

And it is for that reason that i think now is the perfect time to take a look back at my money year, as well as print a Top 10 Random Nonsense bits of 2013!!  You're all welcome!!

TOP 10 RANDOM NONSENSE FOR 2013


-If i had to guess, i would think that once a couple announces that they are "having a baby!" that would also mean the man won't be able to get anal sex for awhile.  i mean obviously this depends on whether or not the girl was down for it in the first place, not every girl is in a "rush" to have a someone's Peter up their balloon knot.  i'm just saying if she is normally down and then she wants to gets pregnant, that hole is probably going to be off limits for awhile.

Was that one a little too rough?  If it was, grow up already!  We're all adults here.  And it's good to have your buttons pushed once in awhile.  You don't want to end up some pu$$y who gets so easily offended you need to write anonymous comments on the Interwebs every day!

-Has everyone heard of this "Paleo" diet?  i'm guessing you have at least heard of it.  In fact, if you know ANY women at all you have probably heard of EVERY diet.  Because apparently that is the only thing girls ever talk about, and Paleo is what new nonsense fad diet they are on now.
Anyways, this Paleo diet is a big hit with people who do "Crossfit," which is some sort of exercising cult that is obsessed with taking over the world.  It's called the "Paleo" diet because you can only eat what they ate in Caveman times, so basically you can eat meat, vegetables, eggs, and that's it.  Oh and fruit  too, but not all fruits because some are too high in sugar.  Did i mention that?  You can't eat sugar on this diet.  Or anything refined, which means you can't eat bread either.  Or any sort of dairy, whether it be cheese or milk or ice cream.  So yeah you can't eat bread, dairy, or sugar.  Which is funny because i'm pretty sure those are the only three kinds of food i ever eat.  "Maybe that's why you are such a fat ass you fat ass!!"

This is true, but i'm the gddamn happiest fat ass you'll ever see!  So good luck eating trees and grass my healthy friends!  i'm working on inventing this chocolate cheese bread idea i've had for awhile that is guaranteed to take off a decade of my life.  But it'll probably be the last ten years of my life, and considering the daily punishment i give my liver and colon and lungs who wants to be alive for that?

A Great Name for a Punk Band! "The Peachy Keens"

Alright i'll be honest, that's my favorite band name i've come up with since "The Bees Knees."  i dare any of you to try and do better.  i DARE YOU...

A Great Name for a Mexican Boy Band!

"Facebook etiquette"- Alright, i have HAD it!  ENOUGH already!!  For real, they HAVE to make a new Facebook for Mom's already called "Mombook."  It has to happen.  i could explain what i mean by writing how i really feel about this subject, but it's probably easier to just post pictures and status updates of mom's on Facebook to show you what i'm talking about.   Some of you already have an idea what i mean, and some of you already hate this bit more then i do.  And i don't blame you, this is my first time doing it and i already HATE it.  But these moms brought this on themselves so this has to be done.  So without further ado, here is the first installment of...

"MOMbook posters"-

C'mon mom's, really?  That's all you got for me?  i get it, you're a mom.  Either do something besides tell me about your kid or get off of Facebook and get on Mombook.  GOD i hate this new bit...

-So did everyone go subscribe to my VHS Breakdown Youtube channel yet??  If you like one or even all three of our episodes please go do so and i'll be your best friend!  Although to be honest i'm a $hitty best friend who will yell at you during beer pong and call you garbage in front of everyone if i lose.  Oh and i'm also a bully.  But seriously kids, i'm super proud of our show.  And the fact that we started it with a "William Zabka trilogy" is the funniest thing to me EVER.  We've been the hugest fan of that guy since the 80's so it's an honor to pay such homage to him!!
Oh and just in case you haven't seen episode 3 yet, go check it out now!!

"Hey a$$hole can you stop promoting your dumb show for two seconds and work on making your blog funnier?  Is that possible?" Yes, it is possible. But it's not going to happen so suck a d!ck buddy.

-If you're a $hitty parent, would you really care if DYFUS came and took your children away?  i feel like if you were an awful parent that would seem like heaven to you.  "Wait, so you're telling me that if i continue to abuse and neglect my children the way i have been doing and just do whatever i want that the government will actually send people to come take my bratty ahole kids... and they'll do it for free?  i dont' get it, what's the catch?  There is none?? Where do i sign up?!?!  And the worse i treat them the quicker you'll get these monsters out of here?  i'll see you in an hour!  Thank you for doing God's work!!"

And if you can't tell the answer is no, i don't have kids of my own.

FAST FOOD FACTS : One fast food hamburger may contain meat from up to as many as 100 different cows.  i'm guessing three to many of those cows probably had some sort of disgusting cow disease.  Enjoy!
Back in the day i used to go to lunch with my friends every week.  We called it "Fast Food Friday" and we'd normally hit up White Castle but sometimes we'd do BK, Wendy's, etc.  Now i'm putting out bits like this on Fridays.  What a hypocritical bag of douche i am.

And that's it for me this year kids!  i'm taking off next week for New Year's Eve and the inevitable 5 day hangover i'll have afterwards but i'll be back here with an all new blog on January 7th, 2014!!  Thanks to all of you for sticking with me through another year, i can't tell you how much all of my readers mean to me.  Although when i was talking about all of the love and friendship i have in my life earlier i was talking about all of my faithful readers as well!!

And speaking of love, go back and re-read the quote i used to start today's blog.  This was something i heard a long time ago, and it's actually one of the few rules i live my life by.  Too many people don't take the time to relax and enjoy life once in awhile, but if you live by that quote and actually do give yourself one unplanned present a day you'll find yourself a million times happier, i promise you.

So be good to yourself and others, try and have as much fun as possible on this planet because love and happiness is what this life is all about and i'll see all of you kids next year!!!  And thank you all again so much for reading "Here Comes the Money!!!!!"

Cya in 2014!! @migueljose_85 on Twitter

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