Friday, December 13, 2013

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it. - Demetri Martin

THE BLOG WHERE I ARGUE AGAINST THE WEB OF LIES THAT IS SANTA AND ELF ON THE SHELF
What is up kids?

First off, thanks to Jim Kohl for making that incredible drawing of Jason murdering an elf with a candy cane that i'm sure he doesn't even know that i'm using!

And i'll tell you what's gddamn up people, it's beginning to look a lot like gddamn Christmas that's what's up.  At least to me it is, i'm sure some of you have been fired up for Christmas since before Thanksgiving. "OMG are you kidding???!?  i've had all my shopping done since Cyber Monday!  i did all of my shopping online and everything is all wrapped and ready to go and has been for weeks!!"

Oh really?  Eat me.  i'm so the ahole who waits until Christmas Eve and then runs into the mall buying last minute gifts for everyone.  And you want to know what?  Shopping on Christmas Eve is really not as bad as you would think.  i mean yeah it's packed and all, but most people are at home with their families having their annual "Christmas Eve" party with friends and relatives.  No one is dumb enough to have to go to mall to get presents!  Except me and a bunch of other dumb idiots of course.  And yeah it sucks and all, but i guarantee it's not as bad as Black Friday.  Not even close!

And besides, isn't this holiday supposed to be about the birth of Jesus anyway?  i mean even though anyone who studies religion knows his actual birthday is on April 6th, we've still decided to celebrate it on December 25th.  And isn't that what this holiday should be all about?  Instead of all of this Santa and Elf on the shelf garbage?

And speaking of Elf on the Shelf, i f'n hate Elf on the Shelf.  How many lies do you have to tell to these kids?  It's bad enough that you lie to them about Santa Claus only for them to grow up and learn about the awful web of lies they've been caught up in and forever doubt anything any adult ever tells them in the future, including religion.  And why wouldn't they?  Believing in both Santa and God are very similar things.  They are both bearded men who live in the sky who know everything that you do.  Why wouldn't you stop believing in God as soon as you learned Santa wasn't real?  It's not like you ever get to see either one of them.
So if and when i do have children, i don't think i'll be telling them about Santa, and i DEFINITELY won't be telling them about Elf on the Shelf.  If my wife wants to do it so be it, but i will only sit back and say nothing to the kids.  i won't be joining in on the lies.  Don't any of you remember the day you found out Santa wasn't real?  i remember that day like it was yesterday.  i was in the car with my mom when it suddenly dawned on me that Santa Claus couldn't possibly be real, and that my parents had to be lying to me.  i also put together the fact that the Easter Bunny couldn't be real either, probably because even as a toddler i was smart as f*ck.  But yeah figuring all of this out at the same time made it a real soul shattering day.
And i don't want to do that to Miguel jr.  No, i don't mean my penis.  That's Miguel SENIOR, aka Papa Grande.  i'm talking about the imaginary child i have in this situation who i am not going to lie about Santa Claus to.  i'll never do that to you my little Mexican jumping bean!   Because besides being your father i will also be your best friend, and that's what best friends do!
RANDOM NONSENSE

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE- Did you ever notice how much girls love the Disney movie "Aladdin".  "OMG miguel i love that movie!" Yeah yeah, i know.  And good, you should love that movie.  i mean don't get me wrong, it is a fine Disney flick and all.  But i don't care about any of that.  The real reason i'm glad girls love that movie so much is because if you're a girl and you love "Aladdin," basically you are saying you are into the idea of banging a dirty thieving minority just to make your parents mad.

And i dig that whole concept BAD.  Because let's be honest, most white girls know their parents wouldn't be happy if they brought home some dirty brown skinned thief, especially when they are from a well to do family in the nice part of town.  But that's why deep down, all you ladies have those secret feelings of having wild crazy sex with a dirty minority, and the fact that he's not good for you and the fact that he's poor and the fact that your parents would go nuts if they ever found out only makes it hotter.  So keep enjoying the movie "Aladdin" my female friends! Trust me, the message you are trying to send out is getting to me loud and clear. And for the record i look great in a vest and you can pet my monkey all you want!
-Has everyone been keeping track of the New York Rangers/New Jersey Devils series in hockey this year?  You should be, because the good guys are undefeated as the Devils are a CRISP 3-0 this season against those blue shirted dirtbags.  Although i will say the last game was a nightmare, as the Devils were winning in the final minutes of the game and the Rangers tied it up to go to Overtime which is where they of course lost. But they got a point for that, and i almost can't forgive the Devils for letting that happen.  Except i can forgive them, because they beat the Rangers and Ranger fans can go suck on that.
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE- Does anyone remember the magazine "Highlights" from when they were a kid?  "No miguel, i have no idea what you're talking about!"  i know you don't know what that is, you too young to get that reference hot baby girls who don't read my blog anyway.   i'm talking to the older broads who remember this kind of stuff.  But yeah "Highlights" is the money childrens' magazine that you can probably still find in every doctor and/or dentist office around.  They had a ton of fantastic articles such as "Hidden Pictures", "The Timbertoes" and especially "Goofus and Gallant!"  i used to love Goofus and Gallant, mostly because i loved what an ahole Goofus was.  i always kinda of felt bad for him in a way though.  i mean yeah he was a bad kid who made poor decisions, but i was also a bad kid who made poor decisions and now i'm an adult who does the same thing!

And what was the reasoning behind Goofus being such a shady dirtbag?  They never really explained it, you were just supposed to accept that he was a bad kid.  Personally i always thought he was a middle child the same as me, and all his bad behavior was just a cry out for attention which is what i still blame all my bad behavior for. i remember back in the day when me and my boy Harrison actually mailed in some drawings we did and some letters we wrote about God knows what to "Highlights" magazine, but to this day i can't remember if they ever posted what we sent them.  But he'll remember because he remembers EVERYTHING, so Harrison if we ever got anything printed in that awesome magazine let me know because i'm dying of curiosity!


-If you were looking for even better news today besides the fact that it's Friday well here it is.  Portlandia returns February 27th to IFC.  It's one of my favorite shows and if you've never seen it then check it out and catch up on Netflix and you can thank me later.  You're welcome!!
Fast Food Tips -  You should probably go eat at Carl's Jr, or Hardees, or Jack in the Box.  Go eat WHEREVER Kate Upton is eating in the picture below.  i couldn't see which Fast Food Chain this is for but to be honest i wasn't really looking.  So it's possible it may say it on there, but who cares.  Go eat wherever and check out this picture of Kate that'll make your penis go boooooooWHIP!!
And that's it for me today this Friday the 13th.  i hope everyone has a great weekend, and thanks so much for reading this blog week in and week out.  Feel free to share this with anyone you know has a good sense of humor, and even those who don't like super funny free blogs.  And stay warm this weekend because it sounds like we're gonna get douched with snow.  And if you do get snowed in don't forget to Netflix Portlandia like i told you to earlier.

Cya Tuesday!  @migueljose_85 on Twitter

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