Friday, November 22, 2013

Fame, fortune, power, t!tt!es. People say these are the most crucial things in life, but you can have a pocket full o' gold and it doesn't mean sh*t if you don't have someone to share that gold with. Seems simple, yet it's an important lesson to learn. Even lone wolves run in packs sometimes. - Kenny Powers

THE BLOG WHERE i REALIZE THAT I'M ALREADY PRETTY GDDAMN RUTHLESS...

What is up kids?

So i realized that while i've been debating getting more ruthless in this blog the truth is i've already done so in the past.  No joke, do any of you remember my "push present" rant?  Probably not, which is why i have no problem being lazy and re-posting it to get me through another rant on a Friday that i'm completely hungover and my head feels like a two year old kid and a teething puppy are running loose through my dome.  Although speaking of kids...

     "Although speaking of kids... have you guys ever heard of a "push" present??  Does everyone know what that is? i bet all the girls do, but if you're anything like me then you had no idea.  Until last week i mean, cause i just found out what it is.  And Men, before you hate me for this blog i promise the money football blog is coming soon so please bear with me through this awfulness... 

A push present is the present a man gives to his baby's mama after she gives birth to his child.  Yes, apparently that "present" you gave her 9 months ago is not enough, now she needs jewelry just because she did something countless other women have done before.  What i don't get is how can giving birth be special if so many people have done it?  i feel like dunking a basketball is a lot more "special" then having a kid, because i don't know too many people who can dunk a basketball, but i know TONS that have had kids!
Haha relax mommies, i'm only kidding . Yeah yeah having kids is special and i can't wait to have them. And i'm a huge fan of the act of having a child!  Well the beginning part i mean, i'm not so much a fan of the the fertilizing the egg part.  Mostly because i'm more of a finish on the stomach and/or back/ass kind of guy then i am a fertilizer.

"JEEBUS CHRISTMAS mIGUEL!!! What a dirty gddamn blog for a Friday!"  Whatever, the summer is almost over and it's depressing and i don't give an F right now.  Plus sometimes i forget that this is the best part of having a blog, and that's that i can write about whatever the F i want.  "And you choose a push present?  Way to go dick!"  Whatever ahole, why do you still read my blog person who's been interrupting me from day one??!!  You obviously hate it and you always mock me!

But yeah to be honest i don't really care if "push presents" are what society decided is okay.  If guys are supposed to get the woman a present after she gives birth so be it i guess.  I mean it makes sense, "Honey, look at our beautiful baby!" Way to go darling, here's an Ipod!

So whatever, i will be fine with this tradition as long as my girl is fine with my tradition of getting wrecked and playing pong and her being the designated driver the entire 9 months she is pregnant.  "Honey, do you think KFC is still open?""

And now that i just re-post this rant today i realize what a different place i am in my life now then when i wrote this originally.  If not only because i actually do have a girl and i'm pretty sure she wouldn't be happy if i was playing pong when she was giving birth.  Even if i was winning!!  But these are the kinds of blogs i'm going to be writing in the future so i hope you're all on board because i think they're pretty funny.  So funny that i have zero problems giving them to you twice!!


RANDOM NONSENSE

-So while i'm on the topic of push presents and being a mom, it seems fitting that i should talk about "Here Comes the Money" Hall of Famer Miss Kate Upton!

If you've noticed i haven't talked about Kate much lately, and yes part of it is because she's 21 years old and now.  Because i'll be honest, now that she's legally allowed to drink i feel as though she's lost some of her luster.  But most of it is because she's got some new dopey boyfriend, and until she drops that guy like the deuce that he is i just don't feel the need to pay that much attention to her i guess.

Except for ONE more picture.  And then that's it!!!
A Great Name for a Punk Band!- "The Reach Arounds"

Ugh, can you guys tell when Rob is the one who gives me these band names?  If you haven't noticed already anytime a band name has a penile reference in it then it probably came from Rob, and by probably i mean definitely.

And did you know that besides being the directorial and editorial genius behind "VHS Breakdown" Rob is also in a Rock cover band?  No joke, he plays the bass and the name of his band is "Toy Canon."  Get it?  Because that's ANOTHER band name that involves a penis!  So whatever you do don't accuse Rob of not practicing what he preaches.  Oh and speaking of penises his band Toy Canon are playing at "The Orange Lantern" in Paramus, NJ on Black Friday next week, so if any of you are around you should most definitely come.  And make sure to make fun of Rob for loving schlong!
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE- Does anyone else get embarrassed by the words that come up when you use "Spell check?"  Like when you're writing an email, or letter, or even say a blog?  Because honestly i've already accepted the fact that i cannot spell "defineitely" or "Wedenesday", but i kinda get embarrassed when i spell a word so wrong that even Spell check can't tell me what i'm trying to write.  Like when even the computer is like "i thought Spanish was the language you couldn't speak?  But that can't be the case beause i'm guessing the word you just wrote had to be in Spanish because there is no WAY that was supossed to be English!"   Whatever Spell check, lick my balleens.  Most of you should have noticed by now but i honestly don't care too much about grammar and/or spelling, mostly because i'd rather get my point across then get an "A" for punctuation.  So relax with the English lesson and just enjoy my jokes already!!!

"Hey ahole, did you just use an old rant AND reuse something from "Random Nonsense" in the same blog?  You are one fat lazy piece of $hit my friend."

Fast Food TRILOGY: Part Dos - Speaking of being one fat and lazy piece of $hit, Burger King has just released it's "Big King" sandwich which is basically the BK version of the McDonalds Big Mac. And i gotta say they knocked it out of the park!  This sandwich is fantastic and i'd rather eat one of these over a Big Mac any day of the week.  It even has it's own "special sauce" and no i'm not talking about the sauce at the front of my pants when looking at those Kate Upton pics from before.

If you haven't had one of these Big King burgers yet my advice is to go to Burger King and get two of them.  That's because right now they are running a promotion when you can get two sandwiches for 5 beans, and for that price you'd be losing money not to get two of them.  So be a responsible shopper and go get two of these burgers immediately!!
And that's it for me today kids, let's keep it short and sweet on this rainy Friday so we can all go start our weekend already.  And don't forget next week i'm only doing a Tuesday blog, because no one is going to read a blog after Thanksgiving and on Black Friday.  Although speaking of Black Friday i have a rant to write about that on Tuesday about how much that stupid "holiday" INFURIATES me...

But that's for next week.  Enjoy your weekend and i'll see you back here on Tuesday for some more free ha ha's in your life!!!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter


1 comment:

  1. BK's new sandwhich is awesome, but it's actually part of a new meal to compete with
    McDonalds and Sonic's new line up. Now you can get your Big King with Anne Frankfries.

    From the press release: "We used potatoes from all over europe to make these special fries. After picking, they were packed into freight trains, shipped non-stop to our facilities, given a quick shower, and then oven fried. They are so good we're experimenting with the medical benefits of eating these fries."

    ReplyDelete