Friday, August 30, 2013

I do kind of aspire to do comedy that appeals to a wide range of audiences and doesn't divide people. I never want to do material that makes people laugh at the expense of making other people feel bad. Not to say I'm not guilty of that at times. ... I try and make humor out of the really important issues of the day, like Hot Pockets and elevators and not wanting to get out of bed. - Jim Gaffigan

THE LABOR DAY WEEKEND BLOG

What is up kids??

i'll tell you what's up, it's almost time to start a three day holiday weekend!!  Aren't those the best?  For some reason just having Monday off makes a WORLD of difference.  Probably because it's the only time you can actually enjoy your Sunday.  Every other week Sunday is just spent counting the seconds and minutes until you have to get up for work on Monday which basically makes that entire day useless.

But not this Sunday!!  Sunday you can stay up as late as you want to watch new episodes of "Dexter" and "Breaking Bad," but this time when you fall asleep during them you can just wake up the next morning and try again!!  Instead of your normal routine of falling asleep during the show and then being the ahole who goes to work and yells at everyone "Don't talk about Breaking Bad yet i didn't see it!"  Which is still a way better angle then Chuck's "i don't watch the show until the entire season is on Netflix!"bull$hit...
But anyways i hope everyone has fantastic plans this weekend.  i myself have two more Fantasy Football drafts left making it a total of 4 leagues that i'm in this year.  Personally i think 3 is the perfect amount of leagues to be in, but i was asked to be in another league with a bunch of aholes who aren't good at fantasy football so i'm hoping to make some quick cash on a bunch of morons.  i don't know if any of those fools read my blog, i'm guessing not because most of them seem illiterate.  But i'd like to tell them now thanks for letting me in your league, and i hope you are saying goodbye to your money now because i plan on putting it into my wallet shortly.  And oh yeah, suck it!!
But yeah Labor day weekend is not just about fantasy football and dropping "Suck it's!"  It's also about BBQ's and boozing and laying around doing nothing, literally all of my favorite things.  And sure i do that every weekend and really every day when i think about it.  But there's something fun about doing it on a holiday weekend when hopefully all of you can join me in relaxing.  It's your one chance to live the way i do every day of my life, so i really hope you all appreciate this extra time that you have.  Like it says below, Labor Day is a great opportunity to reflect on things!!
But i'm going to keep this blog short and sweet today because i know everyone is already checked out. As you should be, because the Friday before a long 3 day weekend is BULL$HIT!  At this point whatever work you have to do or mistakes you have to fix can wait until Tuesday, because Lord knows you ain't doing $HIT today!!  Your boss is lucky that you're even wearing pants in the office for crying out loud.

So enjoy your holiday everyone!  Make every day of this long weekend count because once Tuesday comes the summer is officially OVER!  Well not officially, i guess that would be on September 22nd when Fall begins.  But for most of us the start of the school year means that the summer is over.  But again, you still have 3 days left so let's go make the best of it even if it's by doing absolutely nothing!!!

RANDOM NONSENSE

-Are there people who don't only buy clothes when they are on sale?  Honestly, as soon as i walk into the store i head right for the "Clearance" section and then i go to town on anything 65% off or higher.  Out of season, out of fashion, i don't give a f*ck.  All i care about is that i'm buying the item for 1/10th of it's original price.  i kind of assumed that's what everyone else does as well, but then i realized there are entire RACKS that have nothing but clothes at regular price.  Do people really buy from there?? i mean yeah i'm assuming people like Kanye West and Jay Z and Beyonce and the President do so, but only because they are super rich and don't have to worry about pinching pennies the way i do.  But what i'm wondering is do like regular normal every day people buy non sale clothing items as well?  It seems crazy to me, but all of those stores sell clothes like that so i'm guessing rich people aren't the only ones who buy them.  Sometimes i just don't understand people.

-So did all of you know that Gold Bond now has a new powder spray?  This tip is just for the fellas, because i really don't think there are too many girls out there that use Gold Bond powder.  Mostly because it's just for us smelly, stinky, sweaty dudes.  Personally i'm a HUGE fan of taking some Gold Bond powder, lifting my nutsack and powdering my taint HEAVILY before i start my day.  Not just for the crisp cooling burning feeling of the powder on my balleens, but also because it prevents chafing and it really does a fantastic job of preventing the normal swamp ass i get during these hot and humid Jersey summers.

Anyways, they now have released a powder "spray" which is just fantastic news.  Because as much as i enjoy the nice feeling of Gold Bond on my cojones, it's a real pain to apply it if i'm going to be honest about it.  i look like i'm visiting the Gynecologist the way i have to sit with both of my feet spread eagle in the air above my head when applying this powder right below miguel jr., all i'm missing are the stirrups and a doctor with EXTREMELY cold hands.  But i'm guessing this spray will make the process much easier, so i have to say this news makes me happy.    And oh yeah, if you're a dude and you don't use Gold Bond on your personal change purse you are BLOWING it because it feels tremendous!  Stop missing out on one of life's greatest treasures and go buy some.


A Great Name for a Punk Band!  "The Nit-Pickers."  Have i used this one before?  Is ANYONE keeping track??  Because Lord knows i'm not...

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE- Have you ever received the silent treatment from a girl?  Yes i know it's heaven, but every once in a while you kinda want her to stop it.  Alright fine, no guy ever wants his girl to stop giving him the silent treatment ever.  It's fantastic when a woman will just shut her pie hole for 2 seconds.

However, if by some one in a million chance you do want her to stop giving you the silent treatment there is a surefire way to get her to stop.  Just give her the silent treatment back.  But don't just do it, TELL HER that you're doing it.  For example, if she's been giving you the silent treatment all morning just go "That's it! i'm giving you the silent treatment!"  IMMEDIATELY  you will hear "WHAT?!?!  You're giving ME the silent treatment?!?  No f'n way, i'm the one giving YOU the silent treatment!!  How dare you do this and how dare you do that and meh meh meh meh meh...."  Because girls do enjoy giving guys the silent treatment, but they LOVE running there yapper even more.  But like i said, what guy wants the silent treatment to end?  Guys who are not smart, that's who.  Although if you do follow my advice she will most likely end the relationship to go along with ending the silent treatment..

Fast Food Tips - Since my goal is to try and kill you all this Labor Day weekend, i'd like to tell you all about the 2 for 1 Big Mac deal that McDonalds has going on all weekend.  That's right kids, who needs a freshly made delicious burger made of meat off of a grill at a friend's BBQ when you could have McDonalds give you not 1 but TWO semi-meat patties made with pink slime and so many unnatural ingredients that is barely classifies as food?  i don't know about you but the thought of that sure makes my mouth water!  It also makes my soul cry inside and it makes my anus want to commit suicide.  But that's not the point, the point is that it's 2 for 1 Big Mac's and that's how i want to end my summer!!!
And that's it for me today kids!  i hope you all have a great weekend, but also make sure you come back here on Tuesday for an all new blog!  Next week i'm going to talk about going "Back to School" as well as my take on Fantasy Football drafts so you won't want to miss out.

Speaking of not missing out, make sure you go to our "VHS Breakdown" page on Blip.tv and become a follower of our show!  It's not about YouTube anymore, all of the views and likes and shares we get on Blip.tv is HUGE for us!

If you can take the time to do so you would make my life, so before you start your weekend make sure you go HERE or here  www.blip.tv/VHSBreakdown and become a follower of my show on Blip.  Thanks!!

CYA on Tuesday!  @migueljose_85 on Twitter


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