i'll tell you what's up, we are only one day away from the premier of "VHS Breakdown"!!! And i gotta say i'm pretty fired up, if only because i've been working hard on this show for weeks and weeks now. Although that's kind of a lie, because i don't really consider what i'm doing as "work." Basically all i had to do was look pretty and be funny, which is what i already do every single day! "Yeah sure pal, just not on your blog apparently!" Exactly! Just not on my... HEY!!!
But yeah one of my best friends and also my arch enemy for life Rob Miceli is an amazing director/editor, and if i had to be honest i'd say he's the funniest person i've ever met in my life. But since i don't have to be honest i'll just say he occasionally makes me laugh and i don't get jealous at all with how easily comedy comes to him.
But after decades of doing nothing with our brilliant comedy minds we finally teamed up and created this new show that i think everybody will love. Or at least smart and cool people that know what's funny will love. Although i'm pretty sure even the people not on that list will find something they really like about it!
The premise of the show is simple enough. i have this huge movie collection that unfortunately because i'm 85 years old they are all on VHS tapes. And right now VHS tapes have this awesome quality where no one wants them or uses them anymore, yet enough people still have enough of them that they are not worth anything and i can't sell them. So basically they just take up a lot of space at my house, and by my house i mean my parents have been telling me for YEARS to "get these tapes the hell out of our house already!"
And that's when i had an idea. Even though no one has any use for VHS tapes anymore that doesn't mean i don't still love the movies and the nostalgia i feel when looking at my collection. So why not give these movies the farewell they deserve? Which is where i came up with the plan to watch each one of these movies one last time, do a movie review on each one, and then smash the living bejesus out of them!
So that's what i did. And with Rob's amazing editing skills we somehow turned it into a comedy show that i'm very proud of, and a show that i can't wait for all of you to see tomorrow!! i don't want to give too much away on what movies we are reviewing this season, but you may want to "Wax on, Wax off" some of your old 80's movies and start watching them again. And maybe clean your house a little beforehand. You know, sweep the floor, "sweep the leg," that kind of stuff. And i'm not saying that this show is going to be "the best around," but i do know if you don't watch my new show "points or no points, you're dead meat!"
Alright fine we're doing "The Karate Kid" for our first episode, are you happy? Jesus Burns i keep trying to give you subtle hints but you're obviously not getting them!
And i promise my blog isn't going to turn into some big promotion of my show every time, but with the premier being tomorrow i think i'm allowed to be excited for it and write about it today. And oh yeah it's my blog and i do what i want so suck it. But before you do suck it make sure you check out my Youtube channel at VHS Breakdown Youtube page tomorrow for the first episode. There will be a new one every Wednesday at 4:20, but please, PLEASE subscribe to our channel and then you won't have to remember anything! Oh and don't forget to share the video with eveyrone you know and/or love, as well as the people you can't stand. Either way, make sure you tune in tomorrow for our big premier, i guarantee you'll be glad that you did!!!*
-A HUGE special thanks to Jim Kohl from Happy Hour Comic for the amazing logo!
-i'm not proud that the only thing i eat comes in pizza boxes, but could they make garbage cans "square" instead of round so i can more easily throw them out for crying out loud? These square boxes get stuck in these cans ALL THE TIME, and if my garbage man decides to come at me bro and punch me in the face i won't blame him. What does everybody else do about this problem? "Well we eat things like salad and fruit and vegetables, all of which fits safely in our regular garbage can!" Do you really think you're better then me? i'm not saying that you're not because you definitely are, i'm just wondering if you think that.
And whoever brings up that i'm supposed to be eating healthy yet here i am talking about how everything i eat comes in a pizza box well then shut up already.
-Do you want to hear the scariest thing ever? Well this might not be that but it's disturbing and it gave me nightmares. But apparently over in Australia they have found hundreds of these huge pink slugs that have been around for thousands of years. i'm not kidding, they are huge florescent pink slugs that if i saw in person i would $hit so many bricks i'd be able to build a wall to hide behind. If you don't believe me have a look!
That thing is horrific!! Although this slug does look just like that time i had nothing but cotton candy, air heads and red Gatorade for three days straight and then something like this appeared in my toilet bowl, minus the antenna. Actually no, it did have antenna...
NO! Not those airheads Jewell, i'm talking about the chewy candy! Man you're ridiculous sometimes...
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - So personally i think the best thing about white people is the restaurant, "Cracker Barrel." Holy S BALLS that is the best place ever! There aren't any that close to me, which is a good thing because i would literally go there every day and eat my weight in pancakes and bacon. For anyone that loves breakfast this is by far the best place to go. And don't even tell me IHOP, IHOP is straight ghetto compared to Cracker Barrel. The IHOP 5 star breakfast is what the Cracker Barrel serves as their "Seniors with heart trouble" special. The version of the "lumberjack" breakfast at Cracker Barrel can literally only be finished by an actual lumberjack. And have you tried their biscuits with gravy? They make my penis go, "boooooWHIP!" Just the thought of them make me fill my own pants with biscuits and gravy! But yeah anyways i feel like i bash white people a lot and deservedly so, but it would only be fair to let you know when you kids do something good. So well played honkeys! Your breakfast place is delicious!
Fast Food Tips - Do you enjoy being obese but can't stand the messiness that comes with it? Well then Burger King has your answer with the new "Hands Free Whopper!"
That's right kids. FINALLY all the joy of being able to eat a whopper safely while driving, playing the guitar, or while holding your baby! This way you can raise your cholesterol and blood pressure, all while leaving your hands free to do other important stuff like play games on your phone or read a book! Haha just kidding, obviously if you use one of these you can't read. But you could if you wanted to!!
And i think i might have done this bit already in Fast Food Tips but i don't really give a f*ck because it's still funny.
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE CON'T... So did my earlier bit convince any of you to go to Cracker Barrel? i don't feel like it did, and that's a shame because they sincerely have the sickest breakfast food ever. i called it the "lumberjack" earlier but it's really called the "The Cracker Barrel Country Boy" Breakfast meal. This delicious monstrosity has: Country Ham, Pork Chops or Steak grilled to order, Three eggs, cooked to order served with Fried Apples, Hash brown Casserole, Grits, Sawmill Gravy and Homemade Buttermilk Biscuits along with real butter and the best Preserves, Jam n' Apple Butter available. And everything they serve is HUGE, from the bacon to their delicious biscuits that are so good i create my own homemade buttermilk in my shorts. "Enough already, you're ruining it!" i know, i have a bad habit of that. i'll try to save this bit with a picture of their breakfast...
And that's it for me today kids. i've got a lot of promoting to do for tomorrows premier, and i hope my faithful readers can help me out! You can subscribe to my channel at www.youtube.com/VHSBreakdown, "Like" our Facebook page at VHS Breakdown Facebook page, or follow us on Twitter at @VHSBreakdown. This should be a really fun journey so i hope you guys hop on board now at the beginning. i mean everyone's going to be on this bandwagon eventually, but why not be cool and be the person who has been with me from the start?!
Cya Friday for a new blog, but TOMORROW for the VHS Breakdown premier!!! - @migueljose_85
*Not a guarantee