Tuesday, March 19, 2013

I figured out years ago that the human species is totally f*cked and has been for a long time. I also know that the sick, media-consumer culture in America continues to make this so-called problem worse. But the trick, folks, is not to give a f*ck. Like me. I really don't care. I stopped worrying about all this temporal bull$hit a long time ago. It's meaningless. - George Carlin

THE 200TH BLOG


What is up kids???

Well i done did it.  200 Motherf*cking blogs for "Here Comes the Money..." bitches!!!

And i'm not gonna lie, i don't think i EVER thought i would have made it this far when i started this blog.  "Are you kidding me you lazy Mexican?  We thought you'd give up the first week!"  First of all, i'm Mexican and Dominican.  Secondly, you make a fantastic point.  Mostly because i give up on things pretty easily, whether it be trying to diet and/or work out or even find a new job.  And to be honest i don't know if i've ever stuck with anything this long, let alone a blog that is basically the length of a college essay two times a week.  i wrote my first blog on March 23rd, 2011.  And now, almost two years later to the day i'm writing blog 200.  That's pretty impressive kids!!!
But after all this time, after all these rants, after all of my nonsense, does anyone even know why i do this?  For real kids, 200 blogs is NONE joke.  i've checked out some other blogs on the Interwebs and no one writes the kind quality filled blog that i do, and/or as often as i do it.  But the truth is i write these because i have to write them.  i obviously don't write them because i get paid or anything.  Lord knows i have yet to figure out how to make a ducket on any of my genius.  Which is okay for now, i'll continue to work on my craft and pay my invisible dues until i figure out that next step.  Which hopefully comes soon because let's face it, after 200 borderline MASTERPIECES i know how to write the money blog!


But regardless, today isn't the day to look into my future.  It's about celebrating how far i've come!  And what better way to do that then to re-post the first rant i ever did.  Back on blog # 1 almost two years ago, when i just started writing this "thing" and i had no idea why...


-So i'm writing my first blog, i feel like this is a lot of pressure for something that maybe if i'm lucky 2-3 people including myself will read...

But i've realized i have too much going on in my dome (or mind grapes as Tracy Jordan would put it) to not be writing anymore.  If there's one thing i miss about being in high school, besides being able to bang high school girls legally of course, is the fact that during school i would write all gddamn day.  Songs, poems, rants, jokes... that's all I would do all day is f'n write.  And i miss it terribly. 

But i've been told that i should write a blog so i'm joining that bandwagon now.  Yeah i know i'm late, i'm always late for everything.  i actually just signed up for something called "The Myspace" which is apparently the hip website the kids are on these days.  But now everyone tells me i should be on "Friendbook" instead, or whatever it's called.  Maybe i'll find out about that one eventually...

Yes i'm kidding.  i'm almost always kidding.  i pretty much never lie, but i also never say anything without 98% of it being sarcasm.  So until they come up w/ a "sarcasm" font, you're just gonna have to get it people who are not even reading this. 

But yeah that's about enough for my first rant i guess.  It's just the gddamn introduction for the love of Pete.  My plan is to rant a bit on something each day, and then post a few thoughts i gots after called "Random Nonsense."  It's kind of like George Carlin's "Brain Droppings" or Aaron Karo's "Ruminations" but you know, my ideas.  But yeah when you just need to waste time on the Interwebs, and no one's posting anything good on Facebook and you can't think of anything to look up on Wikipedia,  hopefully you'll waste a few minutes on my blog because Lord only knows i need the attention...- miguel josé

And now i'm here 200 blogs later, and if anything all i want is MORE attention.  But to all of you that have made this worth it to me, from my family who hasn't disowned me yet, to my beautiful girlfriend Jen, and to Stefanie and to Keller and Rob and Kohl and Jay John and Erin and Jewell and Yady and Johnny Lats and to even my #1 fan who keeps this blog interesting, thank you SO much for keeping me going.  And thanks to rest of you as well, because without you i'd just have all this money knowledge to myself with no one to drop it on!!!!  So to all of you from the bottom of my heart, thank you for supporting my insanity!!!  Now on to today's Nonsense!!!

RANDOM NONSENSE

-So we've known each other long enough that i finally feel comfortable enough to admit this to all of you... but yes i pee in the shower.  Not once in awhile, i'm talking every single gddamn time i take a shower.  Can you people deal with that????  Or is that too gddamn disgusting?? "OMG miguel!  We always knew you were a dirty Mexican but now you are finally proving it!!!"  Am i?  Am i really??  Because for real, i can't see anything wrong with it.  i'm in my own big soapy personal room filled with hot cleansing water that flushes everything down a drain.  What's the big f'n deal?  In fact, when i do pee in the toilet i sometimes get it on the seat and/or on the floor.  Mostly due to poor aim and being a LAZY, lazy man.  But when i pee in the shower none of it gets anywhere, except for being washed right down the drain covered in sweet smelling soap suds.  What is wrong with that exactly?  And i know there are two kinds of people reading this.  A few of you may actually be appalled and never look at me the same, and the rest of you are like "No f*cking $hit we pee in the shower!  It's the best place to do it!!"  Those of you with that answer i consider my friends.  My awesome, no pride having, pee smelling, drenched in yellow, urine covered friends!!!

-Before i go any further in blog Dos hundred, i feel like it'd be a shame if i didn't give a shout out to the new Pope, Pope Francis!!



And if you don't get that reference you are BLOWING IT!  Unless you are a girl and you are too young to get it, in which case that is SMOKING hot!!

-So is everyone fired up for the WBC Championship tonight?  No, not a Wendy's bacon cheeseburger Keller.  But i dig where your head's at.  What i'm talking about is the "World Baseball Classic," the tournament where the Dominican Republic is undefeated and just needs to beat Puerto Rico tonight for the second time in order to go undefeated and be the World champs!  And i know what you're thinking, "Who cares about baseball you a$$hole?  And now i want a JBC and a frosty from Wendy's!"  Of course you don't care about it, The Dominicans already whooped up on the classless Americans.  And they also whooped up on those sweaty, pizza grease smelling wife beater wearing Italians as well.  And now all they have to do is beat PR and we rule the world.  In baseball.  Kind of.  Whatever, i'm half Dominican so F you i wanna win this thing!!!


-One more Sports thing and then i'll get to funny band names, i promise!  The New Jersey Devils play the New York Rangers tonight, and if there is one thing i want you to learn after 200 blogs it's how much i f*cking HATE the Rangers.  i mean HAAAAAATE them.  Like if i had one wish in life, it would be that the Rangers would never win another hockey game ever.  And you'd be like, "Why didn't you wish for a billion dollars?  Or to be super famous and rich?  Or wish for a million more wishes??!?!?"  And i'd be like, "Because f*ck the Rangers!"  i don't want any of their fans to ever see another win in their life.   And i don't even mean win a Stanley cup, i mean ever see one more Ranger victory in their life.  i want every Ranger fan to die, living every day of their life knowing the Rangers couldn't win a game.  They would go a week, a month, a season, a lifetime without ever winning a single game.  Maybe some Overtime shoot out losses just to make it hurt more, but for the most part i would wish nothing but pain and misery for everyone in Madison Square Garden until this planet is no more.  And it's just hockey so get over it Albin.  It's not like i'm wishing bad upon you or your loved ones, in the scheme of things it could be worse.  But that'd be my wish, although my wish for tonight is for the Devils to beat those scumbag Rangers Gddamn f*cking a$$!!!!!!!

A Great Name for a Punk Band! "The Cheeky Monkeys"

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - - Now i realize most guys know nothing about women.  Mostly because i constantly see them blowing it and making horrible decisions.  But here's a tip for you fellas, NEVER tell a girl she looks tired.  They f'n HATE it!  They are already super insecure about everything from their weight to their height, to their hair color, etc.  There is no need to make it worse by making yourself sound like a total jerk off Don Juan.  Because what you are really saying when you tell a girl she looks tired is "Wow! You look TERRIBLE!!" Nice compliment deek!


- So i feel like it's been awhile since i've told you all how much i HATE the New York Rangers.  Has it been that long?  i guess it has, although that's crazy because it's all i can think about since the Devils get to play them tonight.  Oh well, here's another reminder...



Since it's blog 200, i'll give you all a treat and drop another band name for your laughing pleasure.  One that i've been thinking about a lot recently.  It's for a Mexican Boy Band, tell me what you think...

A Great Name for a Mexican Boy Band!

And now it's time again for
"OLD SCHOOL" Tips for Video Games:

Fast Food FACTSHere's the most disturbing headline ever...


Taco Bell’s Disgusting New Tacos Are Saving the U.S. 
Economy

Sound like bull$hit?  Well it's kinda not.  If you want to read the full article you can go HERE, but basically it just says how the Doritos Locos Taco is responsible for creating 15,000 jobs at Taco Bell last year in the U.S. and how they have plans to open at least 2000 more "restaurants" in 2013.  And all of this data comes before the release of the "Cool Ranch Doritos Locos" Tacos that already has people filling the front of their shorts with sour cream and warm nacho cheese.  But i have yet to try this horrificness, because like i told you in the past i gave up fast food in 2013.  And i also gave up bagels too, yet i'm still a fat f*ck.  Why?  Because of gddamn pizza places and Italian deli's.  We may have beat you in the WBC but you Italians will always have the last laugh at my big gut!!!

So let's be honest, that was pretty epic for a 200th blog.  Don't you agree?  No??  Well eat me because it's all you're gonna get!!!  And also because you're wrong.  i mean that Carlin quote i used to start off today's blog?  Straight up money.  And that Calvin and Hobbes comic i posted immediately after?  That basically explains my entire theory on life.  And oh yeah, Juan Direction????  i guarantee that's the funniest thing you hear today.  So stop setting the bar so high for me.  i know i hit and exceed it every time, but there's no need to take advantage of how money i am week in and week out.

But honestly, from the bottom of my heart, thanks to everyone for sticking with me all this time.  Or even being a new reader for that matter.  i'd like to lie and say i'd still be doing this if no one was reading this, but after 2 years and 200 blogs that'd just be a big fat lie.

But it's also got me thinking that it is time to start getting going on my comedy career, for reals this time. Which is why i'm taking this Friday off from my blog, and next week i'm only doing a Tuesday blog as well.  i have a few things in the works as far as stand up comedy goes, as well as a new comedy show i'm gonna put out on my Youtube channel hopefully by the end of Spring.  Speaking of which can you believe Spring starts tomorrow?  Holy $hitballs this life thing flies by fast!!  It's a good thing i don't get caught up with what people think is "important," and/or give a f*ck about any of that meaningless temporal bull$hit.  All i care about is making people laugh, and for those of you who are with me for blog 200 and beyond and who are down for some more nonsense i can't thank you all enough!!!

Cya next Tuesday! @migueljose_85

Oh, and one last thing...


18 comments:

  1. Congrats on 200! The first rant ever was a great throwback. LETS GO RANGERS!!!!

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    1. Today i will celebrate blog 200 and tonight i hopefully celebrate the Dominican Republic winning the WBC. But i'd trade it all for a shut out victory against you aholes tonight...

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  2. Congrats on your 200th post! And Juan Direction is so fucking money. Shit is epic.

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    1. Thanks Mandy! And for real, your passion and love of writing is an inspiration to me. So thanks for being the money!! :)

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  3. Keep on Truckin', Miguel! I have to say that I admire you because you really put yourself out there and are passionate about this blog. 200 entries is major! Humor is one of the most pleasant aspects of the human experience. It entertains,
    relaxes, and brings joy. Human beings love to laugh. It’s always refreshing to see someone that doesn’t take themselves too seriously. We need more passionate people who aren't afraid to put themselves out there and stand up for what they think, popular or not. Thank-you for always providing a fresh perspective here (even if some people don’t like it!)

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    1. Thank you! i always try to be brutally honest, and i try to do it with no fear. Because when it comes down to it, who cares?? All i'm doing is describing the human experience, there is no need to sugarcoat it. Plus i always figure that even though most people would never admit it out loud that many people do and feel the same way about things as i do.

      But i can't tell you how much i appreciate your comment and i promise to keep it real for as long as i can! ;)

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  4. 200 blogs! I'm so proud of you! and I'm so honored to have had my facebook statuses stolen and so many of our conversations be part of it! You know I think you're hysterical! Can't wait to watch you do standup!

    Here's to another 200!!!

    - Stef :)

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    1. Thanks kiddo! And no matter how big or small my audience ever gets at least i know i'll always have at least one super fan :)

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  5. Congrats on 200. What do you say? Lets let bygones be bygones?

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    1. I'm serious. Waving the white flag.

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  6. Congrats on 200. Now knock this nonsense off
    Jewell

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    1. But if i didn't keep this blog up who else would you talk to about Kim Kardashian being a bounty hunter and Lord Disdick throwing a party and then realizing how much he misses his family. Unless you're not caught up on Sunday's episode yet...

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    2. haha. vag smelling contest. wouldn't miss it.

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  7. Many congrats on 200! Exciting and very impressive. Keep this thing going, you never know what might happen.

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  8. Celebrating by not posting Friday? For shame...

    Seriously though, congrats. Its a great achievement. And Pope Francis is funnier than Juan Direction.

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    1. 2 years and 200 blogs and i can't take a Friday off? C'mon DUDE! Although you are obviously racist if you thought Pope Francis was funnier then Juan Direction. You racist

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