Friday, February 8, 2013

Me encante cuando me llames Grande Papi. Lanzar tus manos en el aire, si youse un jugador verdadero - Gran Pequeno

Sorry Marco Rubio, Biggie is better then Tupac!


Hola ninos y ninas!

Como se llama?  Donde esta el bano?  Tengo una gato in mis pantalones.  miguel jose.

Okay that is officially all the Spanish that i know.  But how the heck is everyone doing?  Hopefully you are all prepared for the winter money shot we're about to take to the face this weekend.  Although can ANYONE tell me how many inches of snow we're gonna get?  So far i hear it's in the 3 to 38 inches range which really doesn't help me out all that much.  All i know is that i f'n HATE shoveling snow.  It is the gddamn WORST!  i don't know if it's because i'm lazy, because i'm Mexican and i'd rather be mowing lawns or if it's both.  But i'd rather do anything then shovel the snow.  "Besides diet you mean!"  Thanks d!ckface, way to take the easy joke every time.  But yeah when it comes to shoveling i always try to follow Calvin's advice...


That's a hilarious strip but as far as the snow goes that is about all me and Calvin have in common.  "You mean because he is funny and famous and well known and you are none of those?"  Jeebus Christmas what is your problem today?  Can i just get through writing this blog and prepare for this storm without you being an annoying a$$hole?  Anyways...

But yeah for once i can understand why everyone is in an extreme panic over a storm.  After that Sandy debacle and everyone losing power for weeks at a time i can see why people get a little nutty around here every time the news goes into a full panic over the snow.  And i'll admit, this nonsense is even getting to me this time.  In fact, as soon as i'm done with this blog i'm going to go fill up my gas tank, get a 30 pack of natty light and a couple bottles of vodka and club and i'm going to try and settle in nicely before we are all covered in Mother Nature's spooge.

And whatever, my rants have been running a little long lately anyway. Although i can't help it, i have so much great information in my dome and it'd be a shame if i didn't share it with the world.  But for today how does everyone feel about me just getting to the "Random Nonsense" already?  "We'd feel GREAT about it ahole!  Your rants are too long anyway, who has the attention span for your amazing and insightful writing these days!  We just want to get to the ha ha's already!"  Well since you asked so nicely, and because i'm hungover and tired i'll just end this here today.  Although can anyone believe that assault weapons and 30 round magazines for semi automatic guns are still legal???  How is marijuana an illegal substance yet you can buy a gun at Walmart for..

HEY MEXICAN SHUT UP AND GET TO THE NONSENSE ALREADY!!!!!!

Ok.

RANDOM NONSENSE


 "OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - So i've never been any one's "first" when it comes to sex.   i mean i've done some "firsts" kinds of things with girls, but i never took any girls' virginity.  And yeah yeah i know what you're thinking, "Stop dating Whores!"  And i'll just tell you, i'm trying!  Why do you think i'm so into younger girls??  i want them fresh!!  Haha i'm just kidding, everything since that virginity line was all made up to be funny. But yeah i've never taken anyone's virginity and at this point i guess i'm not going to. Although that would be a f*cked up thing to have on your bucket list.  i have trouble imagining Morgan Freedman and Jack Nicholson trolling around the local high school during that movie i never watched.  Although i will give some advice to the next girl who is lucky enough to sleep with me, or even any girl that feels like lying to their man, tell him he's your first!  Guys would LOVE to hear that, even if it's not true.  Actually, especially if it's not true!  i don't care if when i speak into your vagina i hear an echo, if you want to lie to me that i'm your first i am totally totally fine fine with with that that!!  Is it that hard to just lie to me? Who wants the truth?  The truth f*cking sucks ass.  "Well the truth is i got with this one black guy in college so now i barely feel anything when i have sex with any guy."  Um, can you lie and tell me you're a virgin please?!??!


-So when i buy eggs at the store i never check my eggs to see if any of them are broken.  Is that what everybody does?  It seems like it would make sense to just give them a quick once over and make sure that none of the eggs you bought are broken already.  And i know that's the smart thing to do and that i should do it every time.  But instead i've decided that i'll just take the chance and hope for the best because i'm too lazy to take that 2-3 seconds to open the carton.  Am i the only one this lazy?  i don't even really have a bit here, i'm just wondering.

ONE HITTERS: So i'm 6 episodes into Season one of "Homeland" but can anyone tell me when this show starts to get any good???




-So if you watch UFC then you know that Frankie Edgar just lost a title bout with Jose Aldo for the Featherweight championship.  Featherweights weighing between 136 and 145 pounds.  This is a brand new division, as the UFC used to only go as low as lightweight which is 155.  But now they also have Bantamweight which is 135 pounds and how much i weighed in 2nd grade.  And they also have Flyweight at 125 pounds which is how big the deuce was that i dropped the day after the Superbowl.  Anyways, i'm all for these tiny monsters being able to fight in the UFC.  But when is Dana White going to add HEAVIER weight classes?  i mean right now they have the limit for Heavyweight at a whopping 265 pounds.  But why not make a SUPER Heavyweight class for 300 pounds, or a Megaweight class at a 350 limit!  Let's just have these hugemongous monsters go out at it for 3 rounds and see who doesn't die of a heart attack!  C'mon Dana, do it already!



"Hey miguel, you just want those weight classes so your fat ass could actually compete in those things. Although you'd better come up with a weight class higher then 350 you fat f*ck!"  

Now if i write that joke so that my "biggest fan" doesn't have to try and post it in my comments, will she still post it anyway?  i'm guessing yeah...

Fast Food Tips - So if i didn't tell you already (and i'm pretty sure i did but i forget things) i f*cking HATE commercials.  Not just fast forward through them on my DVR kind of hate, i mean i think about looking up some of these actors in these commercials and following them to their home and then beating them up in front of their children.  That kind of hate.  However, every once in a while i catch a commercial i do like, and like Dante says you always gotta give credit where credit is due.  No, not Dante from Dante's "Inferno" Jewell, Dante from "Clerks"!   Man you are a silly goose sometimes.

Anyways, the fact that i find this commercial funny is even more amazing considering that this commercial is about a dad and his child, two of the most boring things on the planet.  But this commercial is from Taco Bell, and if there is one thing Taco Bell is good at it's selling dog and horse meat under the guise that it is "beef" to all of white America who loves Mexican food!  But if T Bell is good at two things, it's also having funny commercials.  This ad is sweet and to the point, but the entire bit is a dad walking down the street with his baby strapped to his chest as the dad eats tacos listening to the Spanish version of "Big Poppa" by the Notorious B.I.G.   GdDAMN that is some funny $hit!  And oh yeah i'm pretty sure they are selling the new Steak Cantina burrito but i'm not positive because i was too busy laughing.  But without further ado, here is "Grande Papi!"


"MOMbook posters"- And while i'm showing videos, a "friend" of mine sent me a Youtube video that she thought would be great for "Mombook".  And by thought would be great i mean she sent it to me knowing i would want to kill her for sending it to me and then kill myself for seeing it.  Why do moms think they are funny???  And to any guy who has eaten recently you might want to wait a bit before watching this because it is sure to make you through up.  So for that i apologize in advance.  But ladies and gentlemen, here is the "i'm sexy and i know it" remix entitled, "i'm pregnant and i know it"  God help you all..

1,823,086 views and counting.  We live in the worst country in the world.

Did anyone make it through more then 40 seconds of that?  So far that is the limit.  Although speaking of my limit good LORD that is it for me today.  And if the storm really is that bad today and that video is the last bit i ever did for my blog before i die in a snowy blizzard, then i will die in shame and i will deserve it.  But if and when i don't die, i'll be back next Tuesday with another f*cking FANTASTIC blog.  So if any of you make it through this storm as well i hope to see you back here on Tuesday!!

Adios!  @migueljose_85

1 comment:

  1. thanks for making me smile cause lord knows I am currently miserable while sitting at work lol =(

    ReplyDelete