Tuesday, February 5, 2013

I think pro-athletes should be forced to use steroids. I think we as fans deserve the greatest athletes science can create! Lets go! Anything that will make you run faster, jump higher! I have High-Definition TV! I want my athletes like my video games! Lets go! I could care less if you die at 40. You hate life after sports anyways. I'm doing you a favor. - Daniel Tosh

What is up kids?

How's everyone feeling today?  Hopefully you are getting over your Superbowl Monday hangover, holy $hitballs that day needs to be declared a National holiday already!  i don't see why it's not, literally everybody in the country watches this game.  "Not me miguel!  Me and a bunch of my girlfriends had our own party where we rented "The Notebook" and "Magic Mike" and it was great because it was just us girls and we had the best time ever!"

Wow, that is so awesome!  But hey can you do me a favor?  Could you please stop reading my blog from now on?  Not because i don't need more readers, but because people like you make me sick and just hearing that story makes me wish that the spinach and artichoke dip you spent all day making went bad and that all of the lovely ladies that you spent the day with ate a bunch of it and are still on the toilet today with HORRIFIC stomach pains and diarrhea.  And hopefully while you're stuck on the bowl, realizing you forgot to get toilet paper when you were at the store getting ready for your stupid girls party, that maybe you take some time to ponder the awful decisions you made in your life that brought you to where you are.  Good thing you didn't just go to a Superbowl party like everyone else on the planet and just watch for the commercials and for Beyonce like all decent American women!

Speaking of Beyonce, was your favorite part of the halftime show when Beyonce was performing with  Destiny's Child but then threw them off stage mid-song so she could embarrass them in front of the world for actually thinking they belonged on stage with her?  Yeah me too...



But anyways, Happy Black history month everybody!  i guess i probably should have said that in my first blog of the month but whatever, i blew it.  Lucky for me the NFL decided the best way to celebrate this month is to have a "black" out at the Superbowl, in honor of all the black athletes that dominate pro sports!

That black out was kinda crazy though huh? If you were like most people your first thought was probably wondering if it was some kind of terrorist attack, because it's kinda hard not to be on edge living in the post 9/11 era.  Unfortunately for us we can no longer take for granted that nothing bad will ever happen to us in this country, and the threat of an attack is always somewhere in the back of our minds.  Although to be honest that's not what i was thinking.  What i was thinking about is all the dad's that were "allowed" to go to a Superbowl party while their wives stayed at home with the kids.  And all those dads "promising" that they will go home as soon as the game is over, but then the blackout happened so they got an extra 40 minutes to drink and eat their faces off more.  So congrats to all of you men that were allowed to stay and hang out a little longer then you thought you would!  i know those fun times away from your family are few and far between, so i hope you enjoyed it while you could!  You know, before you came home to those crying disasters you call your children and an angry wife who hates it anytime you have fun without her.  Which is the only time you ever have fun now that you think about it...

But yeah overall i had a pretty fantastic Superbowl.  i gotta say it's a very different experience when the Giants aren't in it.  Instead of just anxiously drinking my face off and paying attention to every second of the game, knowing the future happiness of the rest of my life depends on the outcome.  Instead i was able to drink casually and eat everything in sight and just enjoy the whole thing.  Which is i guess how every Jets fan watches the Superbowl, since they will never know what it's like to win an AFC championship game let alone get past one.  But regardless, either way the Superbowl is the end of the football season which can only mean one thing.  Well two things i guess, if you count the fact that i can  no longer use the "Football is on!" excuse anytime my girlfriend asks me to do something on a Sunday.

But the other thing it means is that i can finally pay attention to hockey and my Eastern Conference champs New Jersey Devils again!  Let's go Devils!!!!




RANDOM NONSENSE

-Speaking of the Devils, who did they beat in the playoffs to win the Eastern Conference last year?  Oh, that's right.  The New York Rangers.  The team that has not won a cup since 1994, which coincidentally is the year my ex girlfriend was born.  The Rangers play in the biggest city in the world, in the most famous arena in the world, and they have passionate fans who love them more then anything and will sell out that arena year after year even though this team is apparently allergic to winning Stanley cups.  Everyone including the media hypes this team up, and it's only us classy intelligent Devils fans who knows that this team is complete garbage and will never, EVER win a cup again.  The last time they won a cup before 1994 was 1940, which goes to show why everyone calls the Rangers last title run "the Fluke of 94."  Alright fine, no one but me calls it that.  But they should! Anyways i didn't talk about hockey during the lockout because it just got me angry.  But now that hockey is back i can enjoy the memory of the last time the Rangers played the Devils, which was when the Devils knocked the Rangers out of the playoffs when Adam Henrique scored that Overtime goal.  Do you guys remember that?  If not i can show you...

"i'm over here dicks!"

The "Real" King Henrique

The Champions Celebrating

"i don't know what happened!  Apparently being a classless bag of douche doesn't equal cups"

MSG as it should be...

God those were great times.  And it starts again tonight when the Rangers play the Devils for the first time since that game.  So bring it you over hyped, overpaid aholes so we can end your season yet again!!!

- Can we as a nation stop being so "outraged" at everything for once?  Case in point, there was a lot of controversy over the Godaddy.com add where Bar Refaeli makes out with some dorky kid and i'm trying to figure out why.  Because two people were making out?  Are we that sexually suppressed as a nation that we can't even see two people kissing on television?   For the love of Pete everybody needs to gddamn grow up already.  Oh and speaking of growing up, let's not all pretend that Bar Refaeli is even that hot anymore.  For real, when they said a nerd was kissing a model i wasn't sure which one was which at first.  We really need to better define the term "Supermodel" because it's getting thrown around a little too loosely these days.  That girl is a "former" Supermodel at best.  Plus she's 27 years old which means she already hit "the Wall" two years ago for crying out loud.  i mean yeah she was hot back in the day, even Leonardo DiCaprio dated her "pre-wall."  But Leo broke up with her in 2009, which can only mean she has been losing her looks since then.  Because Leo only dates the hottest girls ever and deservedly so.  Anyone that can act that well and has those boyish good looks topped with eyes so blue you could swim to heaven in them deserves to date only tens!  If he jumps i jump!


"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE: So if you watched the Superbowl, and if you didn't you're not a true American, you must have learned that NCIS is the #1 watched program in America.  Personally i don't watch NCIS, mostly because i'm not a dad.  Apparently if you are a father, NCIS is just the best gddamn show ever.  But i will admit i got sucked into a marathon of it recently.  It's so hard not too!  i dare any of you to watch the first 5 minutes of an episode, any episode.  After five minutes you're like "Oh i wonder what happens!" and then the next thing you know it's an hour later and the episode ends, and you catch the first 5 minutes of the next episode, any episode, and after five minutes you're like "OOOOOH I WONDER WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?!?   And then the next thing you know it's the #1 show in the country.  But yeah it's definitely a pretty good show even though it's not the best ever or anything.  But it's pretty smart and funny and you should probably watch it i guess and new episodes are on every Tuesday at 8 and ALRIGHT FINE GDDAMN IT i LOVE NCIS and ITS THE BEST SHOW EVER!!!!!  No it's not.  But it's good.




"OLD SCHOOL" Tips for Video Games:


So this isn't as much of a "tip" as it is me just straight up bragging about how money i am, but i am straight up MONEY at the game "Hoop Jones" that they have on the "MegaTouch" video games that they have at bars.  And if you're wondering the answer is yes, "MegaTouch"was also Jerry Sandusky's nickname in college.  Anyways "Hoop Jones" is always on these machines and it's a basketball game that looks like this:

Well it looks a little different these days but it's all basically the same $hit.  Anyways, i dominate this game everywhere i go and it's about time i bragged about it to the world so i'm doing so now on my blog.  It probably would be better if i had a better talent, like being able to hit a baseball or throw a football or even hit a basket in real life.  Hell, i'd be happy if i were just a better writer!  But we don't choose our talents, they choose us.  i don't have an "official" high score because i always just beat the game of the bar i'm at and then go back to drinking.  But the picture below was taken at the "Orange Lantern" in Paramus, NJ if anyone thinks they can beat it which i know you can't.  So yeah, if i were you i wouldn't try to beat me either...





Fast Food FACTSWhen it comes to calling a coin toss everybody has the same decision to make.  Do you go with "tails never fails" or do you look her in the eye and say "Give me head!"  Well like i always do i went with the latter, which is the reason i won a free pizza from Papa Johns!

That's right, the cheap ass owner of Papa Johns who is the same guy who said he would have to raise the price on his HORRIFIC pizza 12 cents in order to offer his employees health insurance because of Obamacare also decided that he had zero problem with giving away millions of free pizzas at halftime. So yeah this guy doesn't have the money to make sure his employees have healthcare, but when it comes to spending a ridiculous amount of money to promote with the NFL during the Superbowl and hire Peyton Manning as his spokesperson no amount is too high to spend money on that!   So while i totally think "Papa" is a big bag of douche and that his pizza tastes the same way, that doesn't mean i'm above winning his stupid contests and taking money out of his pocket.  So congrats to me on my free pizza!  i wonder if for a topping i could choose a different, better type of pizza?  Probably not.

And that's it for me today kids!  i gotta say i'm a little out of it still, mostly because i've been on a drinking bender since last Friday and my liver is about to commit suicide.  Good thing i rested yesterday because tonight it starts all over again with a power hour before the Rangers/Devils game.  If there is no new blog on Friday it's probably because i'm the hospital due to alcohol/food poisoning but if that happens don't worry about me, it was worth it!  Unless the Devils lose of course...

See you kids on Friday!  @migueljose_85

5 comments:

  1. There's one person in America who owns your ass in Hoop Jones

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You son of a bitch... Meet me at the Tin Alley Grill the next time the Devils and Rangers play. And bring your A game!

      Delete
  2. Beyonce kicking them off mid song was such a dick move...rumor has it she also had their microphones turned down...such a bitch

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i'm glad you didn't notice that i stole that joke from your Facebook status haha :)

      Delete
    2. lol ofcourse I noticed...just didn't want to call you out on it =)

      Delete