Friday, January 25, 2013

The food was great last night and it was even better when i was throwing up all over my backyard at 2 am. Nothing like deucing yourself unholy in the morning then cleaning up frozen puke with a shovel. - Text from a friend



What is up kids?

"OMG miguel when are you going to start telling stories again about boozing too much and throwing up while you're on all fours in the shower and then have to push your puke chunks through the drain??"  That's a great question person who definitely didn't ask about that.  And it's funny you didn't, because today is a ROUGH morning.  i thought i threw up enough last night that i wouldn't be a hungover mess today, but after throwing up for the 5th time it's safe to say that i ain't over nothing.  Although i think the storm has calmed enough for now for me to finish this rant, although once Hurricane miguel starts up again i expect heavy thunder clouds of deuce to hit the bowl with a tornado of vomit to soon follow.

"OMG miguel when are you going to stop writing about such disgusting things?!?!  That last paragraph was horrible!!!"  i'm not gonna lie, you make a fantastic point everyone that was thinking that.  But i feel like i haven't phoned in any rants for awhile so i'm gonna use that card today because i have no other options.  My head is spinning, i keep taking Advil but then vomit immediately so i don't know if i'm even letting it get in my system, but i finally got one piece of bread down and i'm about to get a greasy taylor ham bacon egg and cheese on and everything bagel with salt pepper and mayo, and then wash that all down with a gallon of ginger ale.  If there's a better way to cure a hangover then i don't know what it is!

"OMG miguel how about you learn to drink now that you're 57 years old?  Oh and maybe stop drinking to the point of making yourself sick when you are CLEARLY not in college anymore and are basically just embarrassing yourself with this sad behavior.  How's that for an idea?" Well i guess i could do that everybody that's judging me, and to be honest i really don't do this too much anymore.  Not because i don't enjoy drinking, but because i just get TOO gddamn hungover every time i do.  And yeah it's probably because i pregame by drinking almost an entire bottle of vodka before i go out, but i do that because i'm broke and it saves money to do it that way.  At least in theory, that's always my plan and somehow i still always wake up the next day spending $100 more then i planned.  But oh well, maybe one day i'll learn how to handle myself with this whole alcohol situation.   i'm just not there which can only mean one thing... i need more practice!!

"OMG miguel can we please stop talking about puking and drinking you acting the age of the girls you are into and finally get to some jokes on this freezing cold Friday already???"  Yes, yes we can.  Happy Friday everyone!

RANDOM NONSENSE

-Is there a conversation more boring on the planet then talking about the weather?  Okay fine, hearing someone else describe a dream is worse.  But in general, anytime someone starts talking about the weather my mind is already drifting off to whens the next time i get to whack my balleen bag.  God that has to be the most original conversation ever, other then when you meet someone who haven't seen in awhile and go through that "so what have you been up to?" bull$hit we all go through that nobody cares about.  And no, i'm not going to bother to tell people to stop talking about the weather because i know they won't.  i just wanted to point out what unoriginal f*cks everyone seems to be.



-Has anyone ever heard the "theory" about how a guy is never supposed to buy his woman a pair of shoes?  And no, i don't mean because he's a homo and/or because the guy would never pick out the right pair of shoes let alone the correct size.  i'm talking about how if a guy buys his girl a pair of shoes that he is symbolically telling her it's okay to walk out of his life.  Has anyone else ever heard about that but me?  i feel like it's something my mother taught me but my memory sucks so i might be making that up.  Either way, i will never buy a girl a pair of shoes for that very reason even though now that i think about it it sounds pretty crazy.  Speaking of my mother, she also taught me that you should always walk with the girl on the inside of you when you are walking on the sidewalk.  This way if a car jumps a curb or something you can push her out of the way and take the hit for her.  Has anyone else ever heard of that either?  Of course not, i'm a classy f*ck with a $hitload of good manners but no one ever f*cking notices.  Oh well.

THINGS THAT GUYS NEVER WANT TO HEAR AT A URINAL: "You okay buddy? i'm pretty sure there shouldn't be blood..."

How many of you missed that bit?  All of you?  That's what i thought, you're welcome!

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - Do all of you know what catnip is?  Maybe you don't, i mean i know i just found out.  And do all of you know how much i hate cats?  i f'n HATE them, with a passion.  There has only been one cat ever that i liked and it's because it's a kitten and apparently kittens aren't the worst.  She's actually kind of fun, but gddamn it i hate to admit it.  Anyways i'm learning all these things about cats and one of them is they LOVE f'n catnip.  It's like kitty crack for them, no joke.  Seriously, it's like heroin, crack and cocaine all rolled into one.  And it looks like weed, that's the funny part. It looks like a big bag of  cat weed.  Anyways they don't even eat it or nothing, it just drives them f'n nuts.  It's actually pretty funny to watch.  And oh yeah, did you know when a cat gives birth they can give birth from up to 1 to 8 kittens in a litter, and they can have 2-3 litters per year?  And that just born kittens are called cubs not kittens?  And did you know i still f'n hate cats?  Okay then.

A Great Name for a Punk Band! "The Numb Skulls"


Fast Food Tips - Do you remember the last time you ate a steak and egg burrito from McDonalds for breakfast, and then the next thing you knew you were throwing up and deucing in the bathroom and you said to yourself, "man i wish i ate TWO of those bad boys!"  Well just like that bathroom urine luck!  Because McDonalds has the money deal of 2 steak and egg burritos for $3 beans*.  Now when you're emptying your lungs into the bowl before you have a diarrhea disaster going on down the throne you will say to yourself, "man i am SO glad i ate two of those bad boys!"




* When i say "beans" i mean dollars, not beans in the burrito.

"Facebook etiquette"-


Thanks to Amanda for posting this on Facebook and letting me steal this without asking! :) 

And that is gddamn it for me today kids!  Holy S balls this was a rough one.  i'm glad i wrote all of my "Random Nonsense" yesterday, but to do that rant and to proofread and make sure all of this made sense was a struggle let me tell you.  "OMG miguel you actually do proofread this garbage?"  Hey f*ck you buddy, it takes a while to put out these masterpieces.  "OMG miguel i'm sorry!  i didn't mean to offend you.  You're so funny and sexy and your penis is so great, come hang out with me and my 22 year old friends and watch us get wasted and then take us home so we can ravage you!"  

NOW we're f'n talking!  Have a great weekend everyone!

- @migueljose_85

8 comments:

  1. "Urine luck", haha. NAILED IT!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ur supposed to let the girl walk on the inside bc back in the day ppl used to throw garbage out their windows into the street. That way u take the garbage to the face. Not the chick. Useless info.
    JJ

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Forget it, i'm not letting girls stay on the inside anymore. You convinced me

      Delete
  3. If you actually went to the gym your facebook would probably crash.

    ReplyDelete
  4. OH MY GOD...that first paragraph was brutal to read while attempting to eat lunch.

    never heard that guys shouldn't buy shoes for a woman but defintely have heard about the girl walking on the inside of the street because of a car and I know a lot of guys who do that too.

    love the blog!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You would think i just made up the shoe bit just to get out of ever buying a girl shoes but it's actually a "real" thing i learned at some point growing up. Haha like i ever grow up

      Delete