Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Nonsense wakes up the brain cells. And it helps develop a sense of humor, which is awfully important in this day and age. Humor has a tremendous place in this sordid world. It's more than just a matter of laughing. If you can see things out of whack, then you can see how things can be in whack. - Dr Seuss

Thanks to Stephanie K for the picture! :)


Happy New Years Kids!

And i'm saying that knowing it's been Dos Trece for a hot one already.  But whatever, this is my first blog of the New Year and i'm ready to start things off with a positive note!  Although this email advertisement i got from Amazon the other day "suggesting" that i buy some new items for the new year didn't help anything...


Alright you aholes!  i'll start f'n running and getting in shape again!  And honestly thank you.  It's not like i feel bad enough already feeling like a no exercising disgusting food eating fat disaster already.  Now i have Amazon sending me not so subtle hints to start working out?  i thought sending me that Lawnmower ad was some racist $hit but i'll be honest this one hurts a little more...

But no negativity today!  Today we are talking about a fresh start, a clean slate, a new year!  i know plenty of people who aren't impressed with New Year's resolutions, and to them the idea that it's now 2013 doesn't really mean anything.  But i disagree, i like any chance to make a fresh start.  Like starting a diet on Sunday so you can cheat on Friday and Saturday night!  And then cheating on Sunday so you have to start Monday.  Which still counts because Monday is when you start your week so if you start then that's totally fine!  Except that i had those leftovers from the weekend because i didn't have money to spend at lunch so i guess it'll have to start NEXT Monday!   Or maybe next month...

NO!  Enough with the negativity! You're gonna start that diet, you're gonna get on that treadmill, and you're going to lose weight and have a fresh start.  Just do it already!  Or don't, i don't really care to be honest.  All i care is that you fools come back to read my blog, and if you're reading this i did my job!

And maybe for this New Year i won't write rants that are forever long just for sake anymore.  i mean don't get me wrong, when i'm fired up and want to go off i'm gonna f'n go OFF.  But when i'm just bull$hitting like i am now and just want to get to the ha ha's, how about i just do it already?  Because this year i don't want to just talk about things, i want to do them.  Like Kate Upton for example, i'm sick of just talking about her...


That image is from DailyKateUpton.com which is apparently a real site and will be my 2013 New Year's gift to all of you.  Because let's be honest, this is a site for both the guys and the gals to enjoy!

But i hope everyone is having a fantastic year so far.  i have so much new stuff planned for you kids and i'm pretty excited to bring it to you all.  From a new look of the site to some brand new bits, as well as... alright fine that's it.  But with my blog coming back and hockey ending their stupid lockout i finally have something to watch now that the Giants are out of the playoffs.  Which sucks but whatever, we won the Superbowl last year so what can you do.  We can't all be lucky enough to play in that pathetic AFC East division, some of us have to play real football teams.  And besides, i've got two more years to ride that wave of euphoria of that Super Bowl win so everyone else can suck it!

Except don't, because i'm being positive this year!  And speaking of positive i'm positively sure* you guys will love these new bits so let me just get to them already!

*i'm not positive

RANDOM NONSENSE

-So did you guys hear about that paparazzi guy who got killed trying to take a picture of Justin Bieber? And am i bad person because i don't care?  Because for real, if that's the way i died, trying to take a picture of that adorable little lesbian, i would kinda feel like maybe i deserved it.  Like maybe deep inside i would know in my heart that taking all of these pictures, especially of little kids is really no way to live.  And right when i thought i had that perfect pic of the Beebs and then i saw a car about to hit me, i feel like in that second i'd be like, "yep, i deserve this!"  But yeah that guy is  caught and the picture he was trying to get of him either smoking a Justin Joint or a Bieber Blunt was taken by TMZ anyways so i guess you could really say it wasn't worth it.  Oh well.

Girly Stuff! :) So i won't say how or why, but i saw some of that "Millionaire Matchmaker" show on Bravo and i have to say i don't hate it.  i mean as far as shows guys are forced to watch sometimes for whatever reason i guess i wouldn't put a bullet in my head if i had to watch it again.  And that girl Patti Stanger isn't attractive at all and she's pretty much a bitch and i usually hate one if not both of the millionaires the show is about.  But whatever, i guess there are worse things in life then sitting through this awfulness, just my two cents.



For the record, the other option i was going to use for the name of this new bit was Sandy Vagina!   but i went with "Girly Stuff" instead.


FAST FOOD FACTS :-The worst Fast Food salad you can get out there is the California Pizza Kitchen Waldorf Chicken salad with Blue cheese dressing.  At a whopping 1,561 calories and 1,821 mg of sodium, this monstrosity is guaranteed to destroy your New Years resolution in one single meal.  You'd literally be better off ordering one of their whole pizzas.  i'm not kidding, an entire pizza has less calories then this "salad".  And oh yeah thanks to Eat This Not That's Worst Foods in America for the info, that site is great to go to if you want to know what an ahole you are for eating garbage.   And i hope you like this new bit because i'm trying to give up fast food and i'm going to do it all the time now!!!

FAST FOOD TIPS : Alright my hungry hungry hippos, relax already.  i won't jerk you around and not do a fast food tip for you today.  i get that some of you are slim ad slender and sexy and can enjoy the occasional fast food treat and not turn into a ginormous fat $hit.  So i have no problem telling you about Sonic's new Ultimate grilled cheese sandwiches!  There's the Cheddar Bacon ranch grilled cheese sandwich, the BLT grilled cheese sandwich, and the Philly steak grilled cheese sandwich, which means you have 3 different ways of covering the front of your shorts with pop.  Because i'm not kidding, when you eat these sandwiches you will definitely POP!  Pop right in your pants!  Your crotch will be covered in pop!  But yeah these sound delicious so if anyone gets one let me know how it is.  Pop.



"Facebook etiquette"- Alright, i have HAD it!  ENOUGH already!!  For real, they HAVE to make a new Facebook for Mom's already called "Mombook."  It has to happen.  i could explain what i mean by writing how i really feel about this subject, but it's probably easier to just post pictures and status updates of mom's on Facebook to show you what i'm talking about.   Some of you already have an idea what i mean, and some of you already hate this bit more then i do.  And i don't blame you, this is my first time doing it and i already HATE it.  But these moms brought this on themselves so this has to be done.  So without further ado, here is the first installment of...


"MOMbook posters"-

C'mon mom's, really?  That's all you got for me?  i get it, you're a mom.  Either do something besides tell me about your kid or get off of Facebook and get on Mombook.  GOD i hate this new bit...

And that's it for me today kids!  i hope everyone digs the new look and the new bits so far.  And make sure to come back because i got a ton of more new bits to drop soon as well!  Or maybe like one or two more bits, probably more towards one.  Or one-ish.  But i think i'm 10 or so blogs from number 200 and it'll almost be two years since i started this silly thing so i hope you guys are ready for this next phase of our lives because it's coming on fast!

Cya Friday, miguel jo$e

10 comments:

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    1. It's my most favorite bit i ever stole

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  2. I thought all the exercise you get is bouncing around your imaginary basketball?

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    1. I wish this comment had a "Like" button. Because thats hilarious.

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  3. MOMBOOK should definitely exist!

    and I can't believe you're almost at 200 and 2 years! So exciting =)
    Keep up the good work!

    -Stef =)

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    1. Thanks kiddo :) Yeah Dos years and Dos hundred blogs? When the guys in white coats come to get me i guess i'll know why haha

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  4. Adorable little lesbian! That was money!
    My newsfeed looks like a fuckin' baby nursery! Somewhere during the past 15 or so years, it became very "special" to have kids, not just "the norm." People have been having kids for millenia but only recently has it become such a big deal to have reproduced. Everything is about kids today. All TV ads are about how to properly feed, clothe, overprotect, wash, disinfect, etc...your precious kids. We treat kids like little delicate porcelain dolls today. My favorite is when people post the EXACT SAME PICTURE of their kids over and over again. The only difference is maybe they have slightly less drool on their face. Pick one! That's all ya need! Worst part is that I am guilty as charged.
    Check out this site www.stfuparentsblog.com







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    1. That blog is hilarious. i thought i was pretty fed up but they straight up have devoted their life to mocking all of these mom's behavior haha. i am def going to recommend that site on my next blog and i'll add it to my favorite sites. These mom's can't go unpunished any longer... - miguel jose

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  5. What no mention of the Indian gang rape? I thought this was a comedy blog. Don't get soft on me in 2013. Seig WHOOOO!

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  6. Great, now you ruined the surprise for Friday's blog! Your goal should be to learn more patience in 2013. Take the time build up your brain power this year, not just your lats.

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