Tuesday, January 29, 2013

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be. - Steve Martin



What is up kids?

So i normally don't make apologies for anything i put in my blog really.  And by normally i mean i don't think i have ever apologized for anything that i've written in my blog ever.  And it's not because i don't think i've ever written anything offensive, because i understand that apparently i'm not everybody's cup of tea, And by cup of tea i mean some people think i'm a real a$$hole and can't wait to read each blog to tell me how much they hate me and all the bad things they wish upon me.  But i don't apologize for any of that.  Besides the fact that i'm a comedian and walking the line of funny and offensive is what i do, more importantly if i'm not heating somebody up by what i'm writing then i'm obviously not trying hard enough.

Because it's fun to say outrageous things.  It's fun to not be boring, and just stay stupid f*cked up $hit that you don't believe in but say anyway just to get a rise out of people who don't get it.  The people who do get it laugh and think it's funny, and those are the only people i care about making laugh anyway.  Normally.

But in the few years that i've done this blog there was only one time i ever kinda felt bad for something i wrote, and that was when i attacked the Quibids girl, D'arcy Fellona.  i definitely didn't realize how ruthless it was at first, one because i kinda half assed the joke when i wrote it.  But also because it never occurred to me that someone might actually be offended by what i wrote.  So to be honest the bigger crime then even the offensive things i said in that bit that became so controversial was the fact that it really wasn't written that well and i barely tried to advance the real idea behind it at all.  "Can't you say that about all of you bits miguel?"  Sure you could say that, and you'd be right.  But the more important thing is shut up and i hate you.

Anyways, if you want to read the original bit you can go look it up, but i'm not posting it again.  Not just because it's awful and it's embarrassing, but because i posted it twice already and the second time was blog 150 i think.  i won't take it down as a reminder of what lazy writing looks like, and no matter what i write i never have any regrets because that's the only way i'll learn to get funnier is by trying new things.  But if there was one bit i would take down or at least change the wording it would be that one.

Does everyone remember her yet?  Here's a picture if you don't which i'm guessing is the case

Except i think that's an old pic.  Here is one from her personal website at http://www.darcykatefellona.com/


Ridiculous, right?  Blondes are the best.  And even better...


Lord have mercy...

Anyways, if i had been a better writer, and by now it's clear to say that i'm not, i would have made sure to stress the most important aspect of that bit.  And that was the fact that D'arcy Fellona is super hot and she is the only reason that Quibids commercial is even bearable.  i hate the idea of that product and website, and the song they play is totally cheesy and stupid.  But every time that commercial comes on television, D'arcy Fellona's smile and personality make that 30 seconds worthwhile.  Which goes to show she's not just a pretty face, in order to save that horrific commercial she must have some charisma as well.  Which i actually just got to see first hand when i saw her on an episode of "30 Rock" last Thursday on NBC!

That's right kids, i was sitting there watching the second to last episode of 30 Rock ever and out of nowhere D'Arcy is in a scene interviewing Tracy and Jenna.  And for real, D'arcy is looking better then ever!  And it made me happy because it made me realize i was right.  There was something about her in that commercial, and obviously someone else saw that too because now she made it into one of the final episodes of 30 Rock.  Which is f'n awesome because she seems like a really nice person and she's been working hard and she deserves it.

So honestly, for the first time ever i'd like to publicly apologize for that bit i did on her.  The idea behind the bit was solid, but like many things i was lazy and just talked about how i wanted to bang her and took the easy way out.  And it's crazy but i think that experience made me a better writer, and at the very least i feel more responsible about what i write even when i'm joking now.  Although let me be clear, any of the other stuff that has happened because of this blog doesn't bother me one bit.  i am happier and feel more refreshed in my life then i have been in over a decade.  Which coincidentally, if you double that amount of time then you can guess the year my ex-girlfriend was born in.

But for the first time ever, without any sarcasm or humor, i do apologize for being a total dick with that original post.  i have no problem going after people who deserve it, but i think D'Arcy is the money and i wish her the best of luck in her career.  Which i don't think she needs because she's got a bunch of stuff lined up including a new movie with Paul Rudd called "They Came Together," as well as few television pilots and other film roles as well.  So for the record, if anyone asks you then you can tell them that "Here Comes the Money" and yours truly miguel jose is officially a HUGE fan of D'Arcy Fellona and i can't wait to watch this talented girl's career take off!

RANDOM NONSENSE

-So is it that bad when i show my true self for once on this blog, and that i don't act like a complete pretentious misogynistic bag of douche just to get some cheap laughs?  It is?  Well okay then.  It's not like i do this often, because everyone should know that almost everything i say in this blog is an exaggeration and about 80% of the nonsense i say is just that.  i mean for real, this entire section is called "Random Nonsense" for crying out loud!  But now that i have gotten that one regret off of my chest let's get back to the real Random Nonsense.  For real this time!!


RANDOM NONSENSE 
FOR REAL THIS TIME !!

-So what's the deal with deodorant now?  This stuff is supposedly bad for you???  When did this f*cking happen??  "Don't act like you care miguel.  We all know you're a smelly Mexican and Dominican guy who's fantastic at giving oral and who obviously doesn't use the stuff.  What are you going to complain about next?  Eating salad and running on the treadmill?"  Oh lazy racist fat jokes.  So funny, yet so lazy.  But anyways i am serious, has anyone else heard about how the aluminum in deodorant is bad for you?  Or did anyone even know there was aluminum in what we put under our arms each day?  i had no idea, and i also found out that is why some people "go green" and don't use the stuff.  Holy $hitballs kids, i don't know if this is true or not but if i had to guess i'd say we are all f*cked.  Or at least i'm f*cked, i'm all about deodorant.  i'm a large man and things like "humidity" and "breathing" tend to make me sweat.  i wish i never heard about this and just went about my life being ignorant to the fact and then just started dying a slow or sudden death later in life instead of knowing the truth.  Whoever said "Knowledge is Power" is a complete pretentious misogynistic bag of douche.

ONE HITTERS: i don't know, nor do i care what "Etsy" is.


"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - How come Gatorade doesn't mix well with vodka?  For real i don't get it.  If you have flavored vodka and flavored Gatorade, and then mix the two together you get a taste that is a combination of hangover and ass.  Do any chemists read my blog that can explain why these two do not go together?  "Chemists???  Half of your readers aren't even literate!  And most of them just come for your "Fast Food Tips" and the occasional new Kate Upton pic you put up!"  Really?  Well let it never be said that i don't give the crowd what they want.  So here's a pic of Kate Upton from a website that puts up daily pics of Kate called http://www.dailykateupton.com



Fast Food Tips - If you love the holiday "Groundhog Day," and if you're like me you're an overweight Hispanic who still manages to be a sexy beast, then you're gonna love the deal Sonic is having on this bull$hit celebration.  All day on Groundhog's day you get 1/2 off foot long hot dogs.  Sounds terrific right?  What can be better then spending February 2nd eating foot long Sonic hot dogs drenched in chili and cheese that are sure to burn through your insides like drinking a hot bottle of Drano.  This may be a good day to see that if instead of curbside service Sonic will actually do "bowlside" service and bring the dogs right to you as you sit on the bowl!




"Facebook etiquette"- Alright for reals, the next person who tries to get me to "ADD MY BIRTHDAY!' is getting a slap to the face and a swift kick to the shins by a football player.  And i don't mean American football, i'm talking a Pepe le Wepe futbol type player.  Stupid Facebook lets met know it's your birthday the day of motherf*cker, i don't need any more advanced warning then that.  Unless you are my girlfriend or my family members.  In which case i would need 2 days warning.



Holy S Balls that was a fantastic blog!  And it was on purpose, because i'm trying to step my writing game up now.  It's time to start being taken seriously as a writer and getting my name out there, and i'm only going to do it if i'm hilarious and if i am the money.  So get ready kids! The next step in this adventure is coming soon...

And oh yeah, if you haven't yet you can "like" my Facebook page or join my email subscription list by clicking on the links to the right.  And if you don't follow me on Twitter yet you are BLOWING it because i'm pretty f'n hilarious on that as well.

Cya on Friday!  @migueljose_85

6 comments:

  1. If you really want to apologize for something, how about apologizing for dancing in a grass skirt and weraking a coconut bra.

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  2. Deodorant is okay, it's anti-perspirant that contains aluminum.
    Also, "Bowlside Service" should be the name of your comedy album.

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    1. Well i'm not giving up anti-perspirant either, i'm a big sweaty motherf*cker

      That is a pretty ridiculous phrase, i wouldn't have thought that till you pointed it out though. Glad you realize when i'm being a genius because sometimes i don't even notice

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  3. "i'm a large man and things like "humidity" and "breathing" tend to make me sweat. i wish i never heard about this and just went about my life being ignorant to the fact and then just started dying a slow or sudden death later in life instead of knowing the truth. Whoever said "Knowledge is Power" is a complete pretentious misogynistic bag of douche."

    hahaha breathing...literally crying from laughing so hard...and yeah I totally prefer "Ignorance is Bliss" over "Knowledge is Power"...f that noise!

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    1. Good thing i live in NJ which has ridiculous humidity, it wouldn't make sense to move somewhere where it was easier to breathe and i didn't sweat profusely just by being outside!

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