Friday, December 14, 2012
The lights of Hannukah are shining. Their glow will brighten up the sky. Let these lights of love, tell the story of, a miracle of years gone byyyyy - Some Hanukkah song
What is up kids?
First i want to say thanks to my boy Jay John for putting today's image up on his Facebook page, as well as the other pictures he posted that i'm going to steal today for my blog. And i'd also like to thank him for the ones i've stole for past blogs, and will still for future blogs. It's a good thing one of us is funny or this blog would be the worst! Although it's funny, this does make me think about how amazing friendship can be, especially this time of year. Because when you have friends in your life as close and as real as my best friend Jay John, it really makes you believe that there is a bigger purpose to life then just...
"WILL YOU JUST FINISH THAT STORY YOU'VE BEEN TELLING FOR 3 BLOGS NOW BEFORE I KILL YOU PLEASE?!?!?!" Oh yeah that's right, the break up story that's lasted for 2 blogs that i haven't concluded yet. If you don't know what i'm talking about you need to read my last TWO blogs to catch up, or i could just do my best to try and sum it up quickly now. So here goes! My girlfriend dumped me in high school, i drank a total of 12 shots in 10 minutes, and then i walked almost 2 miles to my friend Duffy's house without getting arrested and he locked me in his room to hide me from his parents. Yup, that about sums it up.
So at this point i'm laying on Duffy's floor in the dark, and i honestly think if Duffy never came back that i would have just passed out and that'd be the end of this story. Which Duffy must have realized would have been an awful ending for my blog 17 years later, so luck for me he did in fact come back to get me... to bring me to a friend's party! That's right, my drunk ass wasn't going to ruin Duffy's Friday night that is for sure. So once again i made another trek town, this time to go to a high school party. And i'm not sure but i think we met up with some other people? i really don't remember, because at this point i was so drunk i only saw colors and shapes. What i do remember is that when we tried to get into this party that was being run by a bunch of seniors that we weren't allowed in. Haha remember that $hit? They literally wouldn't let underclassmen in to this party, it was like true class segregation going on with high school kids. i even remember this one Varsity letterman who showed us the Senior "V" on his jacket and going "Do you see this? It means not welcome!"
So after getting denied to that party, much like Rosa Parks was denied a front seat on the bus we decided to just go get pizza instead. Or Duffy did i guess, because again i don't remember anything until we get to the pizza place. And apparently we ran into Rob and Harrison on the way which Rob told me this week because he reads my blog like a good friend should. Which is hilarious because i've told this story a million times and never knew Rob was there. "Speaking of telling this story, f*cking finish it already!!!" Alright alright, i'm almost done.
So me, Duff and whoever else go in and sit down in the restaurant to eat pizza. It's Italian Connection in Dumont in case anyone is wondering about the place. The pizza isn't as good as Uncle Franks but the owners are a million times nicer, which isn't saying much because everyone knows Pete is a manic. But i remember sitting there eating while all my friends are hanging out, not even being really sure if i wanted it because i was starving but my stomach hurt. Mostly because i had 12 shots of hard liquor in me at the time. But that's when i finished my slice and then i knew one fact: i was going to throw up EVERYWHERE.
Thinking back i'm not sure why they let me eat that slice, but since they did the rest of this story is THEIR fault. But i remember eating that slice, it sitting in my stomach and knowing immediately that i was going to blow junks. And it hurt REALLY bad. i remember wanting to say something or to ask for help but the pain was so great that i couldn't move or say anything to anyone at all. i was too drunk and too sick and it was about to come up so i had to think FAST. i realized my only option was right in front of me, so i puked in the white paper plate that the pizza was given to me on. But it wasn't one of those projectile, explosive vomits where it sounds like my life is ending. i just leaned over and quietly puked PERFECTLY into the plate. Not on the table, not on the floor, not on anyone else. Just perfectly into the plate on the table. Crisis averted! It's a miracle!
Except that dumb ass drunk miguel decides, "Hey, i can just lift this plate of puke and throw it out in the garbage now! Problem solved!" However, the main issue with puke is that it's a liquid. So as soon as i lifted the paper plate of puke to throw it out it f*cking spilled EVERYWHERE! i remember as soon as i lifted it up and the puke spilled on me and on all over the floor thinking what a GDDAMN F'N IDIOT I WAS! And for once, i was right. Plus i felt so bad because first of all the people that run that place are the nicest people ever, and the look the guy gave me was just of horror and disgust. But then i remember everyone just told me to go outside, and all my friends had to clean up my mess so they were left cleaning up my puke in the middle of that restaurant. Ugh, that's the worst!
Although wait a second... i hate my friends! And they are the a$$holes that let me eat pizza, so this was really their fault! And because they did that they had to clean my mess, which was really THEIR mess if you think about it. So this story does have a happy ending after all! Another Christmas miracle! Or Hanukkah miracle if that's what you believe in. Hell, i don't care if it's gddamn Kwanza i'm just glad my friends had to clean up my vomit!
-How awesome was that 12/12/12 benefit concert? Although if you are a girl and you saw that and didn't recognize any of the bands on stage that means you are too young to watch that show but the perfect age to hang out with me tomorrow night. And it'll be fun too, i've got Zima and Skittles and a ton of Lady Goo Goo records! "Wait, what's "ZIMA"?" Alright fine, forget it. Anyways i want to say the most impressive part of that show was Eddie Vedder singing "Comfortably Numb" with Pink Floyd which was one of the sickest performances i've ever seen. But no, the most impressive member in the lineup by far was Bruce Springsteen's package. Way to represent Jersey my man! Although i guess when you wears jeans that are so tight they cut the circulation to your thighs anything might end up looking hugemongous. For real, he must have got into those jeans the way girls did back in the day, by lying down and and having a friend pull up the zipper with pliers. All i know is that if everyone made a donation as big as Bruce's package was on screen then New Jersey and New York will be fine!!
Although i do have to point out two other funny observations on the Bruce performance that'd it be a shame not to mention. One is that i went to find a picture of it Online so i could post it here, but apparently if you look up "Bruce's Springsteen's package 12/12/12" nothing comes up. Although i am glad that is part of my search history now. The other funny thing i learned is that Bruce is also currently on tour with his band right now. And do you want to know what the name of Bruce's current tour is? It's the "Wrecking Ball Tour". Which makes me feel better because when seeing him on stage i figured his nuts had to be killing him. But apparently it's just the one!
-Hey people who call out "sick" from work, when you come in the next day you don't have to do that awful acting job of pretending like you're still really sick to convince us. We didn't believe you when you called out yesterday and we certainly don't believe you today. And trust us, no one gives a $hit anyway. We all saw you post that Facebook status saying "At the mall for Christmas shopping!" Or when you tagged yourself at that movie with your friend. Or when you tweeted "What a great day to have off!" We all know this and we all don't care, they are your sick days so do with them what you wish. But when you come in the next day like Meryl Streep on her death bed, coughing and wheezing and having to tell EVERYONE the same story about your stomach bug and how you couldn't move and stop throwing up and how you almost went to the doctor, THAT is when we all hate you. So just leave out the part the next day when you attempt to win that Academy award and everyone will be fine.
-Sometimes i get emails from people i have never met who say that they have "an embarrassing photo of me" Online, and they conveniently share a link so i can go see it. But the joke's on them, because when i click on the link i don't get any photos, only a computer virus! Haha that guy definitely was mistaken because he obviously doesn't know who i am! And besides that, i knew those pics i took in college would never get out...
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE -How come the people who ring you up at the register at stores ask you SO MANY F'N QUESTIONS??! "What's your zip code? What's your phone number? Would you like to join our club? What's your email? Do you want to be on our mailing list? Do you want to receive offers by email or phone? Did you know you can save 20% if you become a special awards member? Would you like to..." Hey lady, i'm buying a "Claires" gift card for my 13 year old niece, does it look i want to join your stupid club? And are you asking for my phone number and address because you want to report a shady older Hispanic guy who's been walking around this tween store for the past 20 minutes like an a$$hole because he has NO clue what his niece wants? Because if that's why you're asking that would make sense. Otherwise no, i will not give you any of that personal information. Although if you MUST have some of my personal info i left you a sperm sample over in the corner by that Selena Gomez section...
-So i use the "Swype" function on my Droid because i'm a pretentious douchebag who only texts people. What am i going to do, pick up the phone and have a conversation with you? Get the f*ck out of here. Anyways i use that feature a lot (thanks to Albin!) but a lot of times i use words that the App doesn't know and i have to "add it to my dictionary." But the other day my friend was asking me how much money i could win for fantasy football leagues and i said i wasn't sure but it was a lot of "duckets," and my phone asked me if it should add that word. Are you kidding me Swype? Is duckets not really a real word? i use that word ALL the time, i don't think i ever stopped to think if it's an actual word or not. It may not be a word to white people but minorities use that word all the time, trust me. Next thing you know my phone is going to tell me "BooWHIP!" isn't a recognizable word. Stupid old technology. It's like we're living in the gddamn 1800's.
Fast Food Tips - For people who can't WAIT for the movie "The Hobbit," which basically means everyone but my boy Rob who apparently hates Tolkien as well as the Lord of the Rings movies since he didn't want to the midnight showing of it with me last night like any REAL fan would, Denny's is doing the money promotion for that movie right now. They are offering a "Second Breakfast" which if you're a fan of the books you will recognize the phrase immediately, although if you are not a nerd and have actually had sex once in your life then you probably have no idea what i'm talking about. But in support of the film Denny's is offering "Gandalf's Gobble Melt", "The Ring Burger", "Bilbo's Berry Smoothie," and of course "Frodo's Pot Roast" Plus they have Pumpkin patch pancakes, "Shire" sausage and Seed cake french toast! The only thing that's missing is a bit of Gandalf's pipeweed but apparently they make you supply that part yourself....
"Wow what an incredibly amazing and fun story! i'm so glad you spent three blogs just so we can hear about how you puked! Oh and by the way, is there any chance that for Christmas you can give us the time we spent in our lives reading your awfulness back? i'd like to spend that time doing something more productive, like picking my nose or masturbating int he shower."
Can you feel it kids? Everyone's full of that great Christmas cheer! But for real i hope you dug this story that was supposed to be one blog but turned into three. i always thought it was funny anyways. But my big Christmas rant is coming next week so i hope you don your gayest apparel and i will see you fools on Tuesday!