Tuesday, December 4, 2012
That's the thing about goals. They become the thing you talk about instead of the thing you do. - Rose Mcgowan "Planet Terror"
What is up kids?
FINALLY a "Planet Terror" quote to start my blog! i know Jewell has been waiting for one forever. Who's this "Jewell" miguel is always talking about? Does he really know that snaggle toothed Alaskan singer who lived in her car? No you silly geese, Jewell's my boy from college and for some reason i spend most of my time writing this blog hoping i impress him. Probably because he's kind, gentle, blond, and has eyes as blue as the iceberg that sunk the Titanic. Much like my heart was sunk when he told me "NO!" with those same fateful eyes many moons ago. But that was college, that was a different time. A time where two men could have an amazing experience but years later only one of them doesn't ignore the feelings once shared. He's married now, and has two beautiful children and an incredible wife. And he made it clear that i should move on no matter what mixed messages i get from some of his late night texts might tell me...
But yeah that shady gay story i just unfolded is a great way to postpone the fact that i have nothing to rant on today. AGAIN. Which is both a good and bad thing i guess. Bad, because i think my best rants are the one where i feel passionate and go off on how much i love or hate something. And i have reason to believe those are my best rants because the consequences of my words sometimes have some CRAZY reactions from people, i can definitely tell you that much...
But a lot of the reason i haven't been super fired up to write about anything in particular lately is because i'm in a really great place right now in my life and there's nothing really firing me up at the moment. i mean what is there to complain about? i mean obviously i have the same money issues and bills and loans and all that same kind of crap i always have going on. But that's just life, and i've pretty much gotten used to the fact that i'm never going to be totally rolling in dough unless my friends finally agree to break into the Cinnabon factory like i've been saying we should do for years!
And it's too early to get into this year's Christmas rant, even though i did watch "Elf" this weekend on t.v. and to me that is the official start of Christmas season when i finally watch that movie. Hahaha i don't care how many times i see that movie it f'n kills me, it's the best Christmas movie ever. "i'm in a store and i'm SINGING!!!" Yeah that part doesn't kill me every time. Although i still think the funniest line in that entire movie is "This place reminds me of Santa's workshop! Except it smells like mushrooms and everyone looks like they want to hurt me." MAN that's great comedy!
And yeah the election is over so i don't need to get into that garbage again for awhile. Because i know my readers LOVE my take on politics and can't wait to hear my opinion on other history movies after my INCREDIBLE "Lincoln" movie review. And i know people want my take on this whole fake Benghazi scandal and what a joke it is for the Republicans to try and stop Susan Rice being confirmed as the next secretary of state! i mean, who doesn't want to hear about that? Except for people looking for comedy i mean.
i feel like i lose half of my readers whenever i start talking about politics. Does that sound about right? It's funny, because i think half the people stop reading because they hate hearing about politics in general and the other half stop reading because they disagree with my "liberal" views and every time i talk about Obama they just want my Muslim Kenyan a$$ to shut the f*ck up already. Although by that math that means i lose two halves of my audience which means i lose everybody. So stop talking about politics? Got it.
i guess that's all the procrastination i can do in one blog for now. How about i make it up to you and on Friday i tell you my story of when i got super drunk in high school when i was 15 and was dumped by my girlfriend? That story should win you all back! It has everything you need in a story. Heartbreak, a hot teen blond, lots of alcohol, a party, my best friends, and of course the entire thing ends with puke. Sound like a story you'd be into? It should be, so come back on Friday to read that disastrous memory of mine!
Finally, let's get to the nonsense!
-i'd be the worst lifeline EVER on one of those game shows where you could phone a friend. i would panic immediately! First of all, i never have my phone ringer on that would be the first problem. They'd never be able to reach mean and since i pretty much only answer texts they'd have to text me first to tell me they were calling. And then when they did call i wouldn't pick up because it would probably come up as "unavailable" on my phone and i never answer those calls! Although let's forget about that aspect of it for now, and let's pretend we live in a perfect world where i actually would answer that call right when they called me. That is still the only best case scenario, because no matter what question they asked me i'd be an anxious mess and would be no help at all! i'm the biggest Simpsons fan EVER, but no matter what they asked me i would still f'n blow it. Okay miguel, you have 30 seconds! Name one of the children in the television show, "The Simpsons". OMG 30 Seconds?? Did the time start when you started reading the question or after that? After that? Wait, you mean it started already??? How much time to i have left now? 13 seconds?? And what's the question again? Oh wait i remember, the Simpsons. You need to know a Simpsons kid?? Right now??? How about Jessica?? No wait, OJ!!! Ugh, i would totally blow it and it would totally be your fault. Way to lose that million dollars ahole, i blame you for putting your faith in me. That'll learn ya
-The positive of being a woman who works in office, especially if your manager happens to be a man, is that you can always leave to go home at ANY time as long as you tell them you are having "feminine problems." Because what guy manager would ever call that out? Um, Mr. Jose? Is it okay if i leave early? i need to go to the doctor, i'm having a "woman's issue" Oh yeah? Like what? A sore vagina? Your Fallopian tubes fell out? Swollen ovaries? Is there blood everywhere? Because yeah i'm pretty sure no guy manager is ever going to say that. A woman manager might get annoying and actually ask, and be like "So what's wrong? MEH MEH MEH MEH" or whatever it is girls like to nag about. However, if a guy has the option of either asking questions about his employee's womanhood, or just letting her go home early he'll take option dos every time. And if i was a manager d be the same way. Without fail, as soon as a woman employee brings up her Fallopian tubes to me i'd just be like LATER DICK!
A Great Name for a Punk Band! "The Dope Aids"
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - Whenever i'm at a supermarket or a restaurant or fast food place, and when they are ringing me up and go "do you want to donate $1 to cancer?" or whatever else they want me to donate to, i always just donate the stupid dollar. i can't imagine not doing it, i would feel like a real lowlife. It's like "One dollar??!? No f'n way! i mean i'm down to spend 10 bucks on 10 different things at a dollar menu at McDonald's but i will not spend one whole extra dollar to help out cancer research! What do you think i'm made of money?!?!?" Oh and another thing, whenever i do donate money i'm not naive enough to think it actually goes towards the actual "cause" it is collecting for. Whether it be the McDonald's fund, or the $1 for Chilli's things towards cancer, or those stupid cans they have at stores collecting money for beating children or f'd up dogs and cats and what not. When i donate i'm not thinking "i'm saving the world!" What i'm really thinking is "man i wonder who ends up with all this money?" Because i'm guessing it never gets to where it should go, which is really just the cynic in me i guess. But the reason i still donate is because it makes me feel better about myself, if the money doesn't get where it should it's not my fault, my intentions were good. Plus when i get to heaven and Peter is weighing my pros and cons it won't be held against me if the money didn't get where it should, all it will say on my resume is "donated the extra $1 for cancer at Wendys." So hopefully if i do that enough that will get me in. As long as he doesn't look at the other stuff i guess...
ONE HITTERS: If you want to ride a 10 speed you need to be dedicated enough to wear spandex
Fast Food Tips - The Whopper has been around for 55 years, which means toilet paper companies from Angel Soft to Charmin have been watching there stocks soar for over half a decade! And to celebrate this milestone BK has a deal from December 6 through December 9th that if you buy one Whopper you get a second for only $0.55! Which is basically buy one get one free, but really it's worse because you still have to throw in $0.55 more. i guess that's a pretty good deal but who the hell can eat two Whoppers? i think they are assuming people have friends that they can bring miguel. Not everyone is a fat loser that just assumes the deal is for disgusting people who want to eat two Whoppers. And while we're at it you have a thick peni$ that really satisfies me and it leaves me wanting more every time. Alright you saved yourself at the end there, But yeah i guess this deal wasn't made for just one person.... unless you take it home and save it for later! So i have a nice johnson and i'm super smart! Point, miguel.
And that's it for me today kids. And i'm exhausted because i just finished blog 172! Not really a milestone but boy are my mind grapes tired. But i hope everyone has a great week. Christmas will be here before you know it, and the next thing you know we'll be getting ready for dumb a$$ New Year's eve. Or maybe we won't because the world is ending soon. Does anyone talk about that Mayan calendar nonsense anymore? i thought December 21st 2012 was the end of the world? That's what John Cusack told me anyways. But yeah have a great week and i'll see you on Friday if we're still here!