Last day on the planet and how am i going out? With Britney bitch! Although i'm little depressed that i'm quoting a song from "Femme Fatale" and not "Circus" which is my favorite Britney album but what can you do. This song was tailor made to use as my quote for my end of the world blog. Although "Gimme More" on the album "Blackout" is one of my favorite songs too and i wish i could have used that. Oh well, if the world doesn't end i'll use that next year!
"Is the first sign of the Apocalypse that you are coming out of the closet? Because if that's true then the world should have ended years ago because we all know you like the back door action." So just because a guy likes Britney that means he's a homosexual? Next thing you know you're going to tell me that liking the show "Sex and the City" makes me gay too. Even though i stopped liking that show as soon as
Carrie dumped Aidan. i mean what is her f'n problem??? Aidan was such a sweetheart and totally treated her the way she deserved. And she leaves him for that ahole Big who always cheated on her and was even engaged to that model? And Carrie wouldn't wear Aidan's ring on her finger?!? F*ck you bitch, i couldn't have been happier when you saw Aidan in the street and he was with his child. That could have been you if you weren't such an empty soulless b!tch. And no i don't care that her and Aidan kissed in the second movie. The movies are bull$hit and i don't count them with the show no matter what anyone says.
"Wow miguel, you aren't just coming out of the closet right now you are Hussain Bolt SPRINTING out of that thing! This is really how you want to go out with the impending end of the world?" Wow, so a guy really can't just be a fan of Britney and the show "Sex and the City?" For real? i mean honestly it's 2012 kids. We have a black President, whites are becoming the minority and gay marriage is legal in more places then ever and even weed has been decriminalized in two states. But with all of that going on i will still be looked down upon just because i watch "Keeping up with the Kardashians?" C'mon everyone, you're better then that. Just like Kris Jenner is better then canceling Bruce's credit cards so he can't but that helicopter that he wants to get. The guy has one hobby!!! It hurts no one!!! And he's won gold medals for our gddamn country! Let the man enjoy his helicopters, have you seen how happy he is when he 's playing with them? We'd all be so lucky to have one thing in our lives that we enjoy that much!
"Alright now that we've decided you are gay who are you gay with? Is it Duffy? No, that's too easy. Maybe that guy Rob that you always dork out with and listen to music with in his car in a romantic way? Or maybe that kid Jay John? You steal all the jokes that he puts on his Facebook, maybe you're just doing that because he stole your heart! And what about that Jim Kohl kid who does that comic? My guess is that he's played around with your doodles for awhile." See, this is the part where i can say that those are all fantastic points. But i'm not gay! Why do you think i'm so into these super young girls? You think it's because i'm gay? i LOVE baby girls! Especially those really petite young ones in their teens, the ones that are built like 8 year old boys...
MAN i hope today isn't the end of the world! This would be the roughest blog to go out on ever. But i'm guessing nothing will happen, and if so i'll have a chance to redeem myself next week with the last blog of the year. Just a heads up it's gonna be on Thursday because i'm not doing a blog on Tuesday during Jesus's birthday party and no one will read my blog Friday before their big weekend. So no blog Tuesday and my next blog will be next Thursday, probably a wrap up of "Here Comes the Money" for 2012. "So you're going to make your last two blogs of 2012 about how you come out of the closet and the other a "best of" where you basically copy all your old stuff and write no new jokes?" That's exactly what i'm doing, merry Christmas aholes!
-So it's that time of year again! No not Christmas you silly geese, i mean the time of year where i get f*cking "shocked" by EVERYTHING i touch! Does anyone else go through this? Every car door, anytime i come into my house or open the door to go downstairs or to the bathroom. Every gddamn time i touch anything that has even the slightest bit of metal in it i get a huge f*cking shock and i light up like a gddamn Christmas tree. And i f''n hate it! Do you know how bad i feel that every time i go to my car in the winter i have to open the door like a pansy because i'm so scared of the shock i'm going to receive? Because that's what men do, that's what my dad who is a Marine and married a Marine woman who they have 5 children together with does when he opens the car door. He just sits there and kind of bats it like a kitten playing with a ball of string, careful to not get shocked so bad that he yells out a womanly "OW!" once his finger hits that metal. Oh wait, that's not my dad. That's right, he's a real man who isn't afraid of heights. i was thinking of me, because i'm a big sandy vagina who watches "Sex and the City" and deserves a beat down. That's who i was thinking of.
-So does everyone know what "Nutella" is? If you don't i'll tell you. Nutella is this delicious hazelnut spread with skim milk and cocoa that has no artificial color or preservatives. It almost sounds like a healthy kind of chocolate doesn't it? Well it's not, because apparently the only serving size this stuff comes in is the entire bottle which is what you end up eating every time you have some. Because it's soooo f*cking good! And of course you rationalize that it's kind of healthy for you so it's okay to eat the entire container. So yeah this stuff could be healthy if you could eat less then a jug a day, but since you can't you're better off just leaving this for the holidays so you don't end up having a basketball for a stomach and nameless people hate you.
-If you find a person's wallet or purse somewhere, like say they leave it at the bar or you find one in a cab or something, isn't it just assumed that whatever cash is in there is the reward for returning the bag? Like does everyone know this, because i feel like they should. i mean obviously you don't want to be a dirtbag so you want to send back the ID's and credit and debit cards and God forbid keys if they leave those behind as well. But the cash that's in the wallet? They can just say "Later Dicks!" to those duckets because they know they are never seeing them again. i wouldn't even explain that to the person, i'd just assume they knew i took it. And if someone found my wallet and didn't take the cash i'd almost be insulted. And i'd be scared, because what kind of weirdo wouldn't even take the cash? Are there people in this world that are that good and honest? If there are those kinds of people i don't want to meet them!
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE- Why don't people use their turn signals when making a turn while driving? Besides the fact that people are selfish reckless aholes who deserve to die in a horrific car accident i mean. i guess this mostly happens in New Jersey but i gotta assume these c0cksuckers are all over the country. Do you realize how f'n easy it is to use your signal? And what a big difference it makes to the other drivers on the road? Of course you don't, because your a self absorbed bag of douche and when someone crashes into your car hard from behind because you are too much of a piece of $hit to use your blinker i hope you get paralyzed. And i hope you're on your cell phone with your family at the time so that when this happens they can hear you scream in agony as your spinal cord is crushed and your body becomes a useless sack of $hit because you couldn't use your turn signal or shut your f'n yapper while driving. And when your spouse leaves you to be with someone who can satisfy them sexually which you obviously can't do anymore i hope there is one part of you that realizes "hey, maybe if i just used my blinker when making that turn, and maybe if i could drive 5 minutes without having to talk on the stupid phone and run my stupid mouth about nothing i wouldn't be where i am today." And then i hope you have a painful heart attack and die. Seasons Greetings! :)
Fast Food Tips - If you're like me and i know i am, when the world ends i am hoping it happens when my butt cheeks are sitting on a toilet bowl. That's why i couldn't have been happier when i heard that Taco Bell just released a new item called the "Loaded Grillers!" But miguel what could these items be filled with besides imitation meat and cheese, as well as being filled with pain and regret? Well it's a good thing you asked because i'm going to tell you! The beefy nacho griller is filled with their seasoned beef, warm nacho cheese and red chips wrapped in a tortilla. There's also the spicy buffalo chicken loaded griller that has spicy chicken and sour cream and finally the loaded potato griller that has crispy potato bites and bacon and cheese and goodness. And the best thing about them is that they are only 99 cents each, so you can buy all three twice and have an end of the world volcanic eruption in your pants! Personally i can't wait to try them but that's because i'm Mexican and it's racist if i don't. But you should try these out too!
And that's it for me today kids. And i mean ever because if the Mayans said the world is going to end today then it's gonna happen! Although i think by end of the world they mean everyone on Facebook and Twitter would be posting NONSTOP end of the world jokes with 2 to 3% of them being funny. And no i'm not counting my blog. But have a great end of the world everyone, have an even better Christmas and i'll see you kids next THURSDAY for my Here Comes the Money 2012 recap!
Adios dicks, miguel jo$e