Friday, December 7, 2012

Of course it's horrible. It's suffering and it's pain and it's... You know, you lose weight and then you put back on weight, and then you, you know, you call them a bunch of times and you try and email, and then they move or they change their email, but that's just love. - Paul Rudd "The 40 Year Old Virgin"

What is up kids?

It's Friday so hopefully everyone's in a fantastic mood!  i know it's kinda tough cause it's December and it's cold and and miserable and grey outside.  But who cares, all that matters is the weekend is here and there is no reason to be depressed at all!  Unless of course you're going through a break up or something, then you might have a reason to be down. Although speaking of break ups, that reminds me of a story from high school that i'd like to share with you now.

Um that HAS to be the worst segue you have ever had in your life, you horrifically untalented writer!  And why is segue spelled like that and not "segway" like it sounds?

 i don't know kids, i just don't know.  But one thing i do know about is heartbreak, and today's story is one of my first stories of it back in high school.  No, not the one i wrote 3 blogs about for blog 100, this was another high school break up story.  Although don't get me wrong.  i've dealt with heartbreak my entire life, starting with my first crush ever in 1st grade.  Do any of you remember how old you were when you had your first crush? i definitely do, and in fact i can probably tell you every crush i've had since that first one.  And by probably i mean i can definitely do it but i won't.

But that's all little kid love.  Which i think is real don't get me wrong.  But i don't think true heartbreak starts until you are able to drink your sorrows away, and for me that was sophomore year in high school.  She was one of my first girlfriends and holy $hitballs she was hot!!  Like i said i was a sophomore, but this girl was a smoking hot freshman who for some reason was into me for two whole weeks.  And i know, of course she was a freshman.  My infatuation with baby girls has been going on a LONG time my friends.  Starting when i was in 5th grade and dated that first grader.

Anyways, she dumped me over the phone and i was CRUSHED.  My world was collapsing, i couldn't breathe, and all i wanted to do was get bombed.  And lucky for me my parents were out for the night and i had the house to myself.  So what did i do?  Go right to my father's liquor cabinet of course!  Although i didn't want to be an idiot and drink a whole bottle of something, because then my dad would notice right? That's why genius me decided i would only take one or two shots from each bottle, because if i drank a little from each bottle my dad wouldn't notice the levels going down.  i am the smartest man alive!

That's when i proceeded to drink 2 shots each of gin, scotch, vodka, and whiskey... all in a row!  Ugh, just writing that now is making my stomach churn.  And after i did all 8 shots in a row i realized i kinda felt drunk but i wasn't as drunk as i wanted to be.  Mostly because i was a kid and didn't realize all i had to do was WAIT FIVE MINUTES FOR THE LIQUOR TO KICK IN!   But yeah since i didn't know that i instead took one more shot each of all four liquors for a total of 12 shots in about 10 minutes, maybe less...

How could this story not possibly end well?  i don't know but i guess you'll have to come back on Tuesday to find out.  This rant is already a novel so i guess i'll finish the rest of this next week.  But for now let's just get to the nonsense!!


RANDOM NONSENSE

-If you work at job that you think you're going to get fired at, a classy move is to bring in and to keep a big heavy weight at your desk and/or in your locker.  Like a nice 50 pound iron kettle bell or something.  This way if you do get fired, your job will have to mail your stuff to you which means they will also have to pay the expensive costs for shipping that ginormous weight back to you.  And legally they have to do it!  It's your property, and they are required by law to get you your stuff back.  Now doing this won't change the fact that you were fired or anything, but it's definitely a nice "F*ck you" to your former employer.  And no matter how down you are for losing your job, when that weight gets sent to your house i guarantee you'll have a smile on your face when you pay for that package.

So i realized i haven't done any "shout outs" for a long time now, but there are a few people and events that definitely deserve them.  And like Dante says in "Clerks" i gots to give credit when credit is due.  So after a long hiatus it's time to bring back one of my favorite bits, the money shout out of the week!


The Money $hout-outs of the Week-



Money $hout-out #1  First of all, a big shout out to New Jersey who opened it's first ever Marijuana dispensary called the "Greenleaf Compassion Center" in Montclair this week.  We've always been known as the "garden"state, and with this rule our state got even more greener!  i know this is just a baby step, because the fact that weed is illegal in this country at all is an embarrassing shame and just one more example of how much further this country still needs to go.  But with a black president, weed being decriminalized in Colorado and Washington, and gay marriage becoming legal all over the country America has REALLY been stepping it up lately.  But way to go New Jersey!  Your shore is ruined and the Turnpike still smells and our Governor REALLY hates teachers.  But it's nice to know all i need to do is get a serious disease and i can smoke all the legal weed i want!


 Money $hout-out # DOS


-Shout out number Dos goes to the Chi Omega sorority at Penn State University, a college that never fails to disappoint with entertaining headlines.  They may disappoint when it comes to putting the safety of their students and just the general welfare of children's lives first, but hey you can't have it all.  Anyways, Penn State is in the news again because apparently the sorority Chi Omega had a "Mexican" themed college party where all the girls wore ponchos and sombreros and fake mustaches and held signs that said "Will Mow Lawn for Weed and Beer" and "I Don't Cut Grass I Smoke it."  This photo has caused quite the stir because people find it very offensive, but as a Mexican i don't see what the big deal is.  i'd mow a lawn for weed and beer, so what's the big deal?  Plus i always like to think that deep inside every girl wants to bang a dirty illegal Mexican, and this picture just proves my theory.  And if you're wondering if i'm okay with this just because it's young tight college sorority girls, and if this was a fraternity that took this picture would i be offended the answer is "yes."  Because if white guys did this then they are racist meathead a$$holes and they would be no different then Sandusky or even those Duke lacrosse players that raped that stripper.  But this isn't white guys, these are beautiful baby girls wishing they were Hispanic.  And for that reason i find nothing wrong with this, and in addition i think they deserve this shout out.  In fact, if any of these young ladies would really like to know what it's like to be a Mexican, i would gladly wrap their naked bodies up in the sheets on my bed like a burrito.  Then i'll cover their faces in queso and fill any other of their openings with my own personal sour cream as i squeeze my chorizo deep inside their tuna taco.  And then i'll mow their lawns and hang out at Home Depot.  i'll do whatever you want you hot racist b!tches!  Just let me know you're down and i'll hit up each one of you until you're saying "No Mas!" That means "Don't use a condom" in Spanish.


Money $hout-out #3
- This shout out and thank you goes to the Victoria Secret models for their poptastic show they put on last Tuesday night, giving girls all over the country even more shame and self doubt then they already had. And if you don't know what poptastic means, it's the explosion you get in your pants when watching those beauties and your penis just goes POP!  These Goddesses are pretty flawless, even though to be honest some of their faces are B plus at best.  Their bodies however are fantastic, the type of female bodies that make atheists believe in God.  The hour long extravaganza was pretty fantastic, even the performances by Rihanna.  Justin Bieber also performed, and i think he deserves the Academy award for "Best Acting" as he tried to portray a metrosexual young teen who ISN'T gay.  Although i'll be honest, that "Beauty and a Beat" song is straight up money.  And how tall is Bruno Mars, 4 foot 3?  He seems like an okay guy but i heard a story that he got arrested at the airport with cocaine so that makes me dig him a little more.  But F those three, the Victoria Secret Angels are getting the shout out so thank you for some great Tuesday night viewing!  i gotta say i hate to watch you go, but i love to watch you leave...



Facebook etiquette"- Speaking of Victoria Secret, i definitely dig it when hot girls claim Victoria Secret offers on Facebook.  And thank you Facebook for posting that, because when it's a girl i want to picture in their lingerie who claims those offers my penis goes from 6 to noon before you can say "boooWHIP!"  So keep claiming those offers my sexy female friends!  And what a coincidence, it looks like i need to buy some new underwear as well now....


MAN that was a great blog today!  It's almost a shame it has to end.  But fear not kids, i'll be back Tuesday with the second part of this rant as well as some more comedy gold to brighten up your day.  So have a great weekend and i'll see you kids next week!!

Although before i get out of here, i gots one more shout out.  Some of you may know i mention my friend Jim a lot. He's the one who does his own online comic at Happy Hour and The Brewery, two fantastic comics about alcohol that you should definitely check out.  Anyways little Jimmy got engaged recently to a fantastic girl so i just want to say congrats to both of them.  i don't know if she realizes what she's getting herself into but nonetheless it's a great move for Jim and i wish them both a ton of luck!  She's gonna need it with that fool haha.

See you kids on Tuesday!
- miguel jo$e

2 comments:

  1. Yeah, she definitely doesn't know what a maniac I am.

    Classy move ending that story at the halfway point.

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  2. i'm glad i did. Apparently i saw Rob later in the night which i never knew and he filled me in on some other details to this story. Good times

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