Friday, December 28, 2012

i should know better then to count on the future. All you can ever believe in is now, this moment. Because in a blink, everything could change. - Dexter Morgan




What is up kids?

So i hope everyone had a fantastic Xmas!  "C'mon miguel, put the "Santa" back in X-mas!"  And i know i did, although it helps when you really don't want or ask for anything.  Remember being a kid and writing your Christmas wish list?  i've written final thesis papers for college that weren't as long as my wish list for presents when i was just little miguelito jose.  A super skinny little Mexican Dominican boy with a huge afro and a tiny mustache.  i looked a brown Q-tip!



But now i'm older and my fro is now a 3 inch fade.  And after years of tacos and chicken and rice my stomach is now as big as those soccer balls every other country besides ours seems to enjoy playing with so much.   And i find i just don't want and/or need as much as i did when i was a child, mostly because the older i get the more i realize what is truly important to me and that all that other garbage doesn't seem to matter.

And as "Dos Doce" is about to come to a close, for once i can look back on a year and say a LOT of changes have occurred.  Most years i try to get through this life as low key as possible, surrounding myself with people i love and doing the bare minimum to get me the possessions i want and do the partying that i need.  But through my own actions and by the will of God a new life has been presented before me and it's time to take that next step.  And yeah i said "God" Burns.  Deal with it!

And i guess as much as i hate it, maybe it's time that i become an "adult." Even though i feel like i've tried to fight growing up since... well since they took that picture of me above strumming that guitar.  i've just never wanted to do it, and trust me kids i have fought as long as hard as i could have to try and stop it.  Because who wants to grow up?  Well besides girls i mean.  Once they are done with college and party for a couple of years they are ready for their career and for kids and a family and everything else that i can't stand, hence the reason that to me it's always been the younger the better!  All that stuff is so FINAL, and for some reason i never dealt with that idea well.  Like my job that i had for so many years that my biggest fan likes to keep bringing up.  Obviously i hated that job and i'm glad that it's over, but even if things didn't turn out the way they did i never saw that as my "career".  One way or the other i wasn't going to grow old and die in that place, and even if the way i left wasn't really planned i'm happy that i can now look to do something i really love and get a job that i would be proud to do the rest of my life.  Or at least something that doesn't make me write 3 entire blogs on how miserable i am haha.



And this having kids nonsense?  i'm still having trouble with that one.  Because do i really want to give up playing beer pong on Tuesday nights and sleeping till 3 p.m. on a Saturday?  Am i really ready to give up all my hopes and dreams and just focus EVERYTHING on someone that isn't me?  Or let's not even go that far, am i even ready for marriage yet?  That's the true first step, and one that i never even looked at seriously until now.  Because for real am i mature enough to handle a "real" relationship like that?  i've ruined so many in the past being an immature dumbass who refuses to grow up or put others before myself.  Is 2013 the year that i stop being so selfish?  Is this the year that i finally do all these things that i've been putting off for as long as i could my entire life?

i don't know yet, so i guess you'll have to tune in next year to my blog to find out!  Because this blog isn't about the new year,  this blog is a look back at some of my favorite bits of 2012.  This is my 89th and final blog of 2012, and i've written 179 now in total.  Is that some gddamn f*cking insanity or what?  i can't wait until i'm in a courtroom and i'm having some judge read all of this back to me and i try to get off on reason of insanity.  Because if you have read all of these blogs and i know i haven't, if there's one thing you can conclude it's that i'm a gddamn maniac.  But if there's another thing that i have learned through all of this it's that maybe all my readers aren't that much different.  In fact some of you make me look like a choir boy because a lot of your ideas are a lot more f*cked up then mine!  And i don't judge you for that, it's nice to know all of us are lunatics.  i'm just the one crazy enough to write my nonsense down on paper and admit it to the world.

So thank you all for coming on this ride with me.  It's been a long time since i started "Here Comes the Money..." on March 23, 2011.  And in only a few months i will reach 200 blogs and will have been at this blog writing thing for 2 gddamn years!  When i look at it that way i can hardly believe it, but it also makes me feel better for doing a "Best of" on this blog because i think i've already posted enough ha ha's for this year, haha.  So enjoy these tired jokes one more time, or maybe for the first time if you didn't think they were funny to begin with!



RANDOM NONSENSE OF DOS DOCE


-My job is an absolute nightmare.  i mean this time of year is super busy so it's to be expected that it's worse then usual.  But for some reason every year i want to believe it's not going to be as bad as it ends up being.  But like that old saying goes, hope for the best and you can expect my job to make you want to buy a bottle of sleeping pills and vodka and take a nice eternal nap.  But for real, i feel like everyone wants to blame the government and Obama because the economy is down.  But has anyone ever stopped to think that maybe the people who are in charge of all these businesses are just not intelligent and they have no idea how to run them?  i mean honestly, how many of you work at job where you know the people in charge have no idea what work you ACTUALLY do?  These people know nothing about real life and only know the numbers they read on charts and reports.  If any of them would EVER take two seconds to actually ask the people that did all the work what the best way to do things was maybe all of these companies wouldn't be going out of business.  But that won't happen because people in power refuse to listen to people below them.  Way to go buddy, just enjoy all your control and do things your own way and your way only and never listen to anyone else for help or good ideas.  When your company goes out of business and you lose your job and all of your "power" maybe then you'll realize how f'n dumb you are.  Or maybe not because you are a moron.

"Whoo hoo my job sucks and i'm complaining about it!  i'm just like everyone else on the planet!  Did the doctor happen to check your vagina on your check up? Maybe he could take the sand out of your vag so you can stop being so moody!"  Alright i get it, i'll shut my trap about work.

Just a side note, that was my first "Random Nonsense" bit of 2012.  Kinda funny now, huh?

-i feel like the driving age and the legal age of consent for sex should be the same age.  All of you can debate what that age is, so feel free to do so. Personally i have my own opinion on what the legal age should be but we can put that part of the law up to debate for now.  But my point is, if a girl can legally drive to my house to feel my Hispanic Hammer then i feel like i should be legally allowed to have sexual intercourse with her.  How does this not already make sense to everybody?  If anything i think the driving age should be older then the age of consent.  For real you don't have to be that responsible to have sex, it's just a P in the V for crying out loud.  It happens all the time and it's happened since the beginning of time so it can't be that big of a deal.  And between contraception and my pattened move of pulling out i feel like i'm plenty responsible in the bedroom.  But anyways who cares, how responsible people are in the bedroom doesn't affect me at all.  Your dumb ass out on the roads behind the wheel of a large vehicle however, that on the other hand is a big responsibility.  And all i'm saying is that if you can handle the responsibility of driving a car then you should be able to handle my big beefy burrito.  Or at least try to...

"Facebook etiquette"- Hey aholes who check in everywhere on Facebook... no one gives a $hit where you are!  "Lisa just checked into work!"  Really Lisa? Because i know you have a job and i figure you go there 5 days a week.  Do you need to tell me every f'n time you get there?  "Courtney is in class" "Stephanie is at McDonalds getting a Rolo McFlurry"  "Odessa is at Dress Barn getting new shoes" "Jerry is in the bathroom taking a dump"  Awesome, thanks guys.  It was bad enough i had to ignore all of your useless status updates, now i also get to not care where you are currently at as well?  Unless you are one of those models from the Victoria Secret Fashion show i don't give a flying f*ck where you are!

"OLDSCHOOLTips for Video Games- If you want to play Legend of Zelda but you want to start on the second quest which is harder then the first, just enter the name "ZELDA" and you will automatically start on that second quest.  It's more or less the same as the first except it's harder and some items are in different places and more expensive in some of the stores.  Man this is my favorite bit!

-So i've heard there's some new thing where girls are trying to change the phrase "The Walk of Shame" and instead are starting to call it "The Stride of Pride."  Um, listen up whores... you can call your urinary tract infection the "Happy Fun Zone!" if you want to, but that's not gonna change the fact that you have an icky vagina! i've heard of some pretty bad euphemisms in my life but so far this one takes the cake.  And now i want cake.  But yeah call the "Walk of Shame" whatever you want ladies, it still means the same thing in the end!  Whoops, i meant in your end, sorry.

Fast Food Tips- When you order a bunch of chicken nuggets, or anything from a fast food joint that requires dipping sauces, always tell them EXACTLY how many sauces you want!  Be specific, don't bother telling them that you want honey mustard, ranch and BBQ because then that is exactly what you will get, one of each.  And who only uses one dipping sauce with your nuggets? If i'm ordering a 20 piece nuggets i literally want 20 different dipping sauces.  Stop being so stingy aholes!  We know you're a billion dollar corporation.  But when they ask i always say "i'd like 2 Buffalo sauces, 2 honey mustard, and 3 things of your "boowhip" sauce that i heard so much about.  So you can actually learn from this tip and be specific when you're ordering your sauces, or you can not listen and eat nuggets with ketchup which is the most awful thing ever.  My advice is to listen to me because i'm the money.


-Speaking of racist, do you all want to see the most RACIST $hit i have ever seen in my life??? And no, i am NOT kidding.  You know how Amazon sends you deals and stuff that they think you would like? Recommendations just for you and that kind of nonsense? Here is the ad that i opened up from Amazon in my email the other day, i KID YOU NOT!!


C'mon Amazon.  Really?  You're going to suggest these items just because my name is Miguel?  i buy blu-ray movies, Devils hats, glass pipes, and all sorts of other nonsense. And THIS is what you are gonna recommend to me? i've never bought ANYTHING like that on Amazon, i've never even bought the movie "The Lawnmower man" or  the "The Secret Garden" for crying out loud!   i don't know who exactly yet but i swear i'm suing somebody! Just like my black friends should sue Amazon for sending them recommendations on how to get KFC coupons..  And if any of you laughed when you saw that lawnmower picture or even when you heard that KFC joke that means you are racist and i'm suing you too!  i'm suing everybody gddamnit!!   "You mean like the homosexuals who are going to sue you for that last bit you did on gays?"  Motherf'n gays strike again...


"You know what's a really great movie, "Lawnmower 2!""  Shut up Jim Kohl.  Whoo hoo i like horror movies!  Just stick to your doodles already...

-Does anyone ever "pay" for APPS on their phone?  Or have you ever and/or would you ever "PAY" for a gddamn App on your phone?  Because i haven't, and i will never spend one gddamn cent on a gddamn app for my phone.  i don't care WHAT it is, once i see a price for the app i either look for the free version of it or i move on to the next App.  Because honestly, i f'n HATE all the commercials and ads you get on the non free apps.  But not enough to spend $0.99 to stop them!  Nope, no f*cking way.  Keep the ads and commercials coming because i'm not buying $hit.  For real, it doesn't matter WHAT the App is.  It could be an App that extends your life by 10 years.  TEN YEARS!!  And i'd be like "$0.99 to extend my life by 10 years?  Let me know when there's a free one that'll extend it for two and i'm in!"  Maybe this is because i'm a smart shopper.  Or maybe it's because i'm part Jewish, my full name is really "miguel jose bagelstein".  See, it's the first day back to school and you're learning things!

-Why do i watch movies on TBS when i own the DVD?  Oh i know why, because instead of watching the movie uninterrupted i'd rather watch it with nonstop commercials and all the cursing and nudity cut out of it.  You know, the good parts.!  And if i do start watching a movie on TBS or TNT that i have, how come once it goes to a commercial i don't just go to my collection, grab the movie and put it in so i can avoid all the awfulness of commercials and censorship?  Oh i know why, because i'm a lazy f*ck who would rather complain about things and write about it in my blog then actually do anything about it.  i'm the worst.

-Candles are the f*cking WORST!  First of all, i'm not comfortable having open flames all over my room and throughout my house.  What is this the 1800's?  And if it is where is my quill pen and my own personal slave?  Hey don't judge, that's historically accurate.  Although technically since i'm Mexican i wouldn't have had any slaves because the white man wasn't sneaking us in the country yet to do all of their landscaping and wash all of their dishes and what not and then complaining that there were too many of us in this country.  But yeah Jesus Christmas getting drunk on vodka alone in my room with open flames around me EVERYWHERE is the worst f'n idea.  And i don't have those nice big candles that most ladies have.  i had small dumb candles that last like 5 minutes and birthday candles lit all over my room.  And i'm getting black out drunk and falling asleep inside this inferno which will soon be my fiery tombstone, and the best part is if i do wake up i can't call anyone because my phone died since i can't charge it with the stupid power being out.  Candles are the f*cking WORST!

-Watching people order donuts is f*cking INFURIATING.  "Umm, i want, ummmm 2 chocolate, no wait.... 3 Chocolate.  And uhhhhhhhhh wait i mean no Chocolate.  And ok one Boston Creme (And only MORONS order one Boston Creme.  It's the gddamn best donut!  you should order 4 minimum.  Go ahead and test me, i guarantee if you buy a dozen donuts and 4 Boston Creme they will all be gone.  Or if they are not you work with morons) And oh yeah i want 3 pink sprinkly ones.  How many do i have left?  Okay and 4 bagels... wait, what? What do you mean bagels don't count???"  So yeah all that's going on while i sit there and just wait to get my medium turbo hot with cream and sugar to get me through the second half of my gddman work day.  And for some reason i hate and want to kill everybody i see, i just have no idea why!  Well kill everyone except for maybe my boy Jay John.  Oh speaking of him he dropped a money line the other day, i wanted to use it in my blog.


"What is she 19?  i'd buy her alcohol".  JJ talking about Kate Upton

Does ANYONE get how into Kate Upton i am?  Really? No one?  Okay fine, i'll just have to keep trying to prove my point every blog i guess...

So i guess ending the year on a Kate Upton picture is the best possible way to go out.  And i don't even mean for the year, i mean in life.  If the last thing i see is that angel's face then i did something right!

But that's it for me this year kids.  Seriously though, thank you all for sticking with me and letting me keep doing this blog.  i said in the beginning that i didn't care if no one read it, and although that's kinda true it's also a big fat lie.  i'm glad that my friends and strangers and even people who hate me keep coming back to my blog, and to those of you who tell me you read this or send me emails and texts when you think i do something funny i cannot tell you how much i appreciate it.  

And i wasn't kidding about some changes coming up in 2013.  Besides in my own life i plan on giving a brand new look to the site as well as a bunch of plans for new bits that i can't wait to share with you all as well.  i'm going to take off next week because Tuesday is New Years and i don't want to start off Dos Trece on a Friday.  So have a great vacation kids, and get ready for the return of "Here Comes the Money..." on Tuesday, January 8th.  Although before i go though, i gots one thing left to say to 2012...

LATER DICK!!!!

Cya, miguel jo$e

11 comments:

  1. so happy one of the random nonsense highlights of 2012 was because of a conversation we had.

    love this blog and love you =)

    -Stef =)

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  2. Only one of them was from you? i thought i stole way more then that haha :)

    Thanks for always being my biggest fan! :)

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  3. Jeez, 189... that's some commitment. Congrats!

    2013 better see your return to the stage.

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    1. If buy "commitment" you mean i should committed that's a valid point.

      And thanks buddy, i have a feeling i am going to be back on stage real soon...

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  4. http://www.tacobell.com/careers/

    http://www.landscapingnetworx.com/landscapers/NJ/Dumont/

    http://www.carolinescomedyschool.com/

    Ayuda para el pedófilo sobrepeso. Feliz Año Nuevo.

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    1. i'm guessing you didn't know this but Me-o no speako the spanish-o. But thanks for reading my blog! i don't understand what your post says but i can only assume it means "i read your blog every time because you're so hilarious, and in fact it's so good i couldn't help but reply how great you are!" So again, thank you!! And buenos nachos and have a happy new year as well!

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    2. A fat, lazy Mexican. I would be shocked but I think that comes as your birthright.

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    3. Wow, a racist "anonymous" coward on the Internet. Your parents must be proud

      And i'm guessing you know this but i can change it so people can't leave "Anonymous" comments on my blog, or i could just delete any comments i don't like. The reason i don't is because i love knowing that you keep coming back to read this fantastic blog again and again!

      And for the record when you do leave these comments more people come back to read it. So please make sure you keep commenting in 2013! You can make it my Christmas present :)

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    4. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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    5. Alright i lied, i'm deleting all your cowardly posts for the rest of the year. You can start up again in 2013 though because we all know you love me and will keep coming back! :)

      Or if you want you can feel free to either comment with your real name or to email me personally at happyhourinc.migueljose85@gmail.com if you'd like to continue this conversation. Although i will say you are wrong about me being a pedophile misogynist, i only like girls who "look" illegal. There's a difference.

      And i have nothing against women, i just personally feel bad for miserable lonely mothers with an empty life and no sense of humor that try to hide their hatred of themselves and their awful decisions in life by posting on someone else's blog. i mean i get you regret the choices you made and that your life is so depressing that attacking me is the only thing that makes you feel better, i just don't get why you'd be such a coward about it. i'm guessing though it's because you don't want your awful kids to know what a pathetic lowlife their mother is. And that's probably a good guess.

      But yeah enough of this already, you've bored me enough for one year. i write this blog so that I'M the one who gets attention! Not nameless anonymous cowards with some sort of personal vendetta against me that i don't even care about. So i hope you enjoyed the small amount of attention you got from your posts but i'm done bringing all this "excitement" into your life for 2012. i'm sure if you find anything better to do with your sad life you won't be back, which means i can expect to see you bright and early when i come back Tuesday, January 8th!

      Later Dick

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  5. Please don't grow up...cuz then I'd be f*cked. Great blog

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