Friday, November 16, 2012
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately - George Carlin
What is up kids?
Did i tell you guys that my nickname in college was "El Nino"?
"OMG miguel, stop posting your blog so late!" Sorry kids, but you need to remember doing this blog is not my job. As much as i love this document of my insanity i unfortunately do not get paid for it. Although now that i'm on this subject, i just remembered that other huge thing i needed to tell you about that happened while i was gone those two weeks. Although by now it's old news and no one wants to hear about it anymore. But i guess i should still probably mention it so here goes... How f'n crazy was that storm a few weeks ago?!?!
And i say this as someone who while i don't live by the beach at all, and while i didn't get hit NEARLY as bad as those families that live in Atlantic City, or down the shore or in Staten Island or whatever. But a week after the storm hit that Monday i was still without power, and i wanted that hurricane to lick my smooth Mexican jumping beans in the candlelight till i finally got my power back later that night. And while most people are suffering way worse then i am, here are a few observations about Hurricane Sandy that i would like to share with you now that the worst is (hopefully) over.
First of all, as i just told you i totally understood that people had it worse then me. But that being said, i do not need to be told by people that i can't complain about not having power. So to everyone who tells me i can't complain about not having power... GO F YOURSELF! i mean seriously? i'm not allowed to complain because someone has it worse then me? If that really was the case then people should never be allowed to complain EVER, especially in this country. For every Sandy or Katrina like storm that crushes America, there are parts of the world that NEVER has electricity or running water or medicine or hospitals or whatever. So by your rationale NO ONE in this country should complain about anything because somewhere else on the planet has it worse.
But that doesn't seem right, because i'm pretty sure EVERYONE i know complains about something. Even me! i LITERALLY just wrote a complaint! But people complain on Facebook about their job, their gym being closed, the store not having that shirt they wanted at the mall, you rented that movie from the Redbox but the DVD wouldn't play on your player. People complain about EVERYTHING. ALL THE TIME! So if i want to complain about not having power then i'm going to. You don't need to tell me to be thankful because some people lost their homes, or some people lost family members, or any other sad nonsense like that. i get it. And i'm selfish, and i only care about me. And miguel doesn't have power so he's going to complain about it. Get over it. If everyone in America decides we are not going to complain anymore on a whole then i'll be down, but until then i'll be a whiny bitch when i feel like it, and i feel like it now.
But yeah man not having power for a week f'n sucked. And the absolute WORST part of it was not having a t.v. Honestly, if i just had a working television i could have made it through that power outage with no problem. i would have watched "Dexter season 1", or maybe "Mr. Show, season 4", or just anything to help with how BORING it is without power. i mean it was kinda cold but you could just dress warmer so i didn't mind that, and i had access to food and water so i was straight with that too. But no television was just the WORST, because what else is there to do when all you can do is lay around in bed all day and night? Nothing, that's what. Although i will say i did spend Thursday night taking a bath by candlelight, listening to the Thursday night football game on my shower radio. And it was romantic, and it was hot and steamy, and with all of those bubbles i was the cleanest dirty Mexican you had ever seen. i can see why you chicks dig these candlelight bubble baths so bad, they are pretty money. And that scene is a lot more pleasurable to hear about then me throwing up jalapeno poppers and but light all over my toilet this morning which actually happened. To be honest i forgot all about the poppers till i saw them again. And the funny thing about that is that since i also remembered them when i deuced, those poppers hurt me twice in the same morning but out of different holes.
So the moral of this story is that the next time there is a big storm coming i am going to spend all my money on a portable dvd player and get a ton of batteries for it. Who cares about candles and lanterns and D batteries and gasoline? Just give me any season of "Lost" and a bottle of red wine and i can handle any of these storms motherf*ckers!
-When i see all these text REDCROSS to 90999 to make a $10 donation to SANDY victims, am i a selfish ahole if i wonder if i'm entitled to any of that money? i mean true i didn't lose my home or have water damage. But all our beer in our beer fridge got skunked, that Rocky Road ice cream i was saving for my weekend binge got all melted, and my DVR didn't record ANY of my shows that week because it doesn't still work when there is no power. So is that disgusting of me to wonder if i can call FEMA and get some duckets for my pain and suffering? It is? And i am? Well what if i'm on hold right now on the FEMA hotline but now i just hung up. Does that make me a better person? It doesn't? Well f*ck you then. i'm the real victim.
-You would think that when the power goes out that food would be scarce and hence i would probably lose weight. But instead, the only food places open are Pizza parlors and Chinese food so i've literally been eating only that since Monday. So unless any of you are also maniacs like i am, then the only person getting fatter after this hurricane is me. Although to all of you people who love pizza and think " i can eat pizza everyday!" let me just tell you it's not as great as it seems. In fact, if i see another slice of pizza in front of me i'm going to vomit all over it can create a "miguel jose" speciality slice that should not be eaten by anyone. And oh yeah, if you ever want to know if you are in the midst of an "actual" crisis, just order food from a Chinese place. I ordered a number 6 combo and the lady told me "25 minutes" for a pick up. 25 minutes for Chinese food??? That $hit is usually ready as soon as you hang up your telephone. But yeah if your wait for Chinese food is ever more then 20 minutes, you KNOW the world is really coming to an end!
-Candles are the f*cking WORST! First of all, i'm not comfortable having open flames all over my room and throughout my house. What is this the 1800's? And if it is where is my quill pen and my own personal slave? Hey don't judge, that's historically accurate. Although technically since i'm Mexican i wouldn't have had any slaves because the white man wasn't sneaking us in the country yet to do all of their landscaping and wash all of their dishes and what not and then complaining that there were too many of us in this country. But yeah Jesus Christmas getting drunk on vodka alone in my room with open flames around me EVERYWHERE is the worst f'n idea. And i don't have those nice big candles that most ladies have. i had small dumb candles that last like 5 minutes and birthday candles lit all over my room. And i'm getting black out drunk and falling asleep inside this inferno which will soon be my fiery tombstone, and the best part is if i do wake up i can't call anyone because my phone died since i can't charge it with the stupid power being out. Candles are the f*cking WORST!
-The good thing about the power being out is that EVERY TIME i walk into a room in my house i go to flick on the lights like that will f*cking turn them on. But at least i learn from my mistakes because i still go to do it EVERY F*CKING TIME i walk into a room. Having no memory f*cking sucks sometimes.
Fast food tips - In honor of the Whopper's 55th anniversary, Burger King is releasing two new versions that already have toilet paper companies across the country dancing in the street with all the new business they are about to get. The first one is the "Wisconsin White Cheddar Whopper" that also comes with smoked bacon, and the other is the "Angry Whopper" that has melted habanero cheese, slices of jalapeno, spicy onion petals and angry sauce. i'm not sure what's in that angry sauce but i'm assuming it was named by an actual butthole of someone who ate that sandwich. So happy anniversary to the Whopper! i'll make sure to eat 55 of these new bad boys in your honor!
"Facebook etiquette"- Facebook now automatically marks messages written in ALL CAPS as "spam" and hides them. So if you regularly post in ALL CAPS then your posts are hidden and no one can see them. And oh yeah, in addition you are an A$$HOLE for doing that.
And that's it for me today kids. Was that not the worst recounting of a major storm ever or what? Whatever, let all the news people talk about the actual devastation. i just want to give the point of a view of a dumb funny ahole who was also without power.
But thanks for reading, i'll be back next Tuesday with more brand new ha ha's!