Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Success without honor is an unseasoned dish; it will satisfy your hunger but it won't taste good. - Joe Paterno


What is up kids?

How was everyone's Labor Day weekend?  Mine was the MONEY!  So money in fact, that as a "special" treat i'm reusing an old rant that i posted after Labor Day two years ago!  Aren't you lucky?
And no, i wasn't going to just post it and try to play it off like none of you would remember it.  Because my guess is that at least one, to one and a half people would have realized/remembered it.  But i'm always open and honest with you, my loyal readers.  And if i'm going to be ghetto i'm going to be upfront and admit it!
So i'm reusing an old blog today, but in my defense i been SO gddamn busy with work and moving in to live with my beautiful girlfriend that it's been ridiculously tough to find time to write these blogs.  Plus it was a holiday weekend!  You gotta give me a break on that, right?  No?  Well okay then, you're still getting it.

And it also happens to be perfect because it's a rant about going back to school and Labor day and everything else that i'm too tired to write about right now.  And since that is totally freaking topical right now i hope you enjoy my previously hilarious comedy my friends!

What is up kids?

It is too gddamn HOT for a penguin to just be walking around!  For real, i know it's September and i know the summer is over and all but can it please cool off for just a hot second please??!?!  Honestly, the constant heat sucks but i can handle it i guess.  This nonstop humidity however, is f*cking RELENTLESS!  i already sweat enough by being a slightly overweight sexy basterd.  i don't need to also sweat just by being outside!
But once again we've made it to September.  Is everybody looking forward to the weekend already?  i know the teachers are, you can't wait to get through this first week!  Because then it's only a few short months and then it'll be Christmas break, and then a few more months and it'll be summertime!  This entire year will fly by before you know it!

Alright probably not.  But either way, everyone's back to school and ready to start the new year.  So for today i'd like to talk about my first day of college, because that was a nutty experience that i can easily stretch out into another rant because i got nothing else on my dome today!

The first day of college for me was a pretty memorable one.  Actually, it has to be memorable because it is one of the few memories i still have floating around my noggin besides both Giants Superbowl victories.  But i remember my parents driving me up to Pine hall, which was the Freshman dorm at Ramapo college back in 1964.  Alright fine, it wasn't that long ago but it's been awhile.  Anyways, i was in suite 530 i believe and i remember that because i was on the top floor with the last room room down the hallway. Which is what i'm pretty sure they do to all minorities at every school, because i know all my white friends were lamping on the second floor while me and all the aholes i lived with couldn't live farther away from the entrance unless they put us on the roof of the building.  It was racist!
But after the debacle of having my parents help me bring in all my stuff and the stereotypical "goodbye" to them as i was now ready to become a man, i remember the next thing i did was talk to my new roommate and finding out he had a bottle of Vodka which lead to us making drinks, getting all fired up, and deciding to walk around the entire dorm meeting new people and talking to girls and stuff.
So yeah, i can say my first day of college was the MONEY, and it started me off on a path that would have me kicked out of that school only a year and a half later.   Yup, you heard that right.  And when i look back on it now, joining a fraternity my first semester probably wasn't the best idea.  Because i obviously couldn't handle partying and taking classes at the same time let alone partying, taking classes AND pledging a fraternity.

But like most things in my life i don't regret that i did it.  i made some money friends, and i definitely drank and partied my face off for a year and a half straight that's for sure.  And by a year and a half straight i mean i am still living that lifestyle to this day.  But it's not my fault, i wasn't ready for college!  Think of how i act now.  It was literally just this past weekend that i was on the bowl deucing and throwing up into my sink at the same time in a blacked out haze after drinking beer and wine and doing fireball shots!  Do you think when i first got out of high school and my body could actually handle that punishment that i was any better?  None chance.

But yeah nothing beats the first day of school at college.  i obviously must have loved going to college because it only took me 8 years or so to graduate.  In my defense, i took off about 3 of those years to work.  But still, that is a LONG gddamn time to go to college and not come out with a doctorate. And a lot of people are surprised when i say i joined a Fraternity, mostly because i have a ton of friends in real life so why did i have to go "buy" friends in college?  And that's a really fantastic question, why did i do that?  To be honest i'm still not really sure why i did it, and when i tell you what i did during pledging you will REALLY wonder what the F i was thinking in order to pledge a Fraternity!  But i will save my pledging story for another blog, because this rant is over and it's time to get back to work, and back to school!


-  So i know everyone hates that the summer is basically over.  But if there is one good thing about September being here is that it's time for some football!  And not just any football, Fantasy Football!  Which is really the ultimate measure of any man, as Fantasy Football is the greatest game ever created after beer pong.  And yeah yeah Fantasy football is kinda like real life role play, or "LARPING" if you will.  But whatever, i guarantee none of those Larping dorks ever drank as many beers and/or did as many funnels as i did at my Fantasy Football drafts this past weekend!
-So this Sunday marks the "real" return of football.  But more importantly, Sunday marks the return of THE GREATEST CHANNEL EVER IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION!  That's right kids, NFL Redzone returns this Sunday!  "But miguel, what is the Redzone channel?  And haven't you posted this bit a hundred times already?"  Great questions, hot girl who is too busy being beautiful and keeping it tight to watch and/or understand/like football.  The Redzone channel is a channel that shows every scoring play for every NFL single game, which basically means it is heroin for Fantasy football fans.
Although to be honest, the Redzone channel might be a little more addictive then heroin, because this channel has it ALL!  Anytime any team gets inside the 20-yard line or the "Redzone" as it's called (see, this is where this channel gets it's name!) this network automatically switches to that game so the viewer can watch any scoring chances live while it's happening.  And if there are 2 or more games going on in the Redzone at the same time, sometimes they will show a split screen and show all the games at once, or they will show the most important game and then show the other highlights immediately after they occur.  So when you're sitting home watching T.V. for Fantasy football stats, there is no other channel that you need other then the Redzone channel.

And the funny thing is i haven't even mentoined the best part of it yet... THERE ARE NO COMMERCIALS EVER!!  If the game they are showing goes to a commercial they immediately switch to another game so you never have to watch any at all.  And if it's halftime for all the games, or if by some chance all the games are on a commercial at the same time, then they will show the Redzone host who will give highlights of the other games and go over news and notes in the league until a game starts up again.  But they will NEVER show commercials!   So hooray for football being back, but an extra double hooray hooray for the NFL Redzone channel which is probably in my top 5 all time best things ever in life after blow jobs, rocky road ice cream, family, and God.  Probably not in that order though.

mIGUEL'S MONEY MOVIE REVIEW!! So did all of you hear how they are redoing a bunch of DC comics, and in the new version they are making the Green Lantern a Muslim?  Holy S!  i don't read comics anymore but that is crazy news!  Or not really, because who cares if he's Muslim?  i sure don't, as long as he fights crime i don't care what he is.  If i needed help and the only person who can help me is a Muslim then for the love of Jeebus please help me now!!  Or should it be for the love of Allah?  i don't know, and i don't care.  Good for DC though, it's about time they started making more realistic Comic book heroes.  Next thing you know they'll make a gay Green Lantern.  "They already did that miguel!"  Thanks dork who reads that comic, but i think i knew they had a gay Green Lantern once they cast Ryan Reynolds in that movie.  WHOOPS!  So yeah a Muslim and Gay Green Lantern don't impress me at all.  Maybe i, miguel jose should be the next Green Lantern?  A sexy yet slightly overweight Mexican Dominican Green Lantern with the power to make girls who are out of my league fall in love with my magic ring.  Hey don't laugh, it could happen...
And that's it for me today kids! i hope you liked it short and sweet, because that's all i gots for you all today. Just like you i'm easing back into work and/or school after this holiday weekend/short summer season, so if this is all the energy i have you should feel privileged to get these free laughs!  Or not, but either way thanks for reading and i'll see you kids back here on Friday with an all new blog!

And oh yeah, hey summer...


Tuesday, August 26, 2014

I never apologize Lisa. I'm sorry but that's just the way I am. - Homer Simpson


What is up kids?

It's the last blog i write until after Labor Day!  Although i have to ask you all one really important question, what the hell are you doing reading this?  Why aren't you watching the Simpsons marathon that's going on right now on FXX?  Wait, what do you mean you don't have a clue what i'm talking about?!?!  Right now on FXX they are showing, in order, EVERY. SIMPSONS. EVER.
And watching this marathon has been the best thing ever for a lot of reasons, if not only to cement the fact that this is the greatest show of all time.  i mean yeah yeah "Breaking Bad" was the money.  But how many episodes did they even have of that show? 62?  That would have only gotten you into the beginning of Season 4 of the Simpsons for crying out loud!
And yeah yeah, i've been talking about this marathon NON STOP for the last few months as well as every day that it's been on.  But what the hell else am i going to watch on television, the VMA's?  Who f'n watches that garbage anymore?  i mean here's all you need to know about the music industry, they gave Best Rock video to Lorde for crying out loud.  And i'm not saying Lorde ain't money because she's definitely very talented.  But best Rock video?  i haven't seen a travesty that bad since Aerosmith's "Janie's Got a Gun" lost Best Video to Sinead O'Connor's "Nothing Compares to You!"  And sure Sinead's song is incredible and it makes me cry when i hear it.  But the video was terrible!  It was nothing but her bald face crying at the camera!  Aerosmith's "Janie's Got a Gun" was a mini movie for crying out loud!  And a pretty good one! And yes i realize none of you have a clue what i'm talking about, i'm an old man for goodness sake!
But anyways, despite everything i've said already about this Simpsons marathon i still can't express enough how fun it's been to watch it and remember where i was the first time i watched these episodes.  i mean this show has been on television since 1989!  And while none of the characters ever aged on this show, my entire childhood was spent growing up with the Simpsons.  A joy i get to relive as i get to see my nephew grow up watching this show as well.  So in addition to all of the old memories and nostalgia i already feel, i can now enjoy talking about it to my nephew who is also a HUGE fan of the Simpsons!  Which means i also get to watch a new generation of my family fall in love with this show, and i have to say this is one of the moneyest things EVER.

And it's also why i will continue to say that the Simpsons is the greatest show of all time.  And whether you've watched as many episodes as humanly possibly like i have during this marathon or you haven't seen a second of it yet, now is the time to go put it on and enjoy the greatest comedy that humans have ever created.  Or you can not watch it and keep blowing it in life, but my advice to you is to stop blowing it and start watching already!!!


- So i know none of my teacher friends want to hear this and to be honest it hurts me to say it, but school is right around the corner!  i know, i know, i'm sorry i said it!  But if there is one good thing about going back to school is that now is the perfect time to re-watch the 3rd Episode of the second greatest show of all time "VHS Breakdown" where we review the Rodney Dangerfield classic, "Back to School!"

And it's funny because out of all the people who've watched it there was only one YouTube viewer who noticed that i gave the wrong year at the beginning of the episode and as far as i know that's the only time we've made that mistake on our show.  But i'll tell you all the same thing i told that random YouTube commentator, that was an ACTUAL power hour that i did before filming this episode so give me a break!  And enjoy our breakdown of "Back to School!"
Speaking of "VHS Breakdown" we are currently on hiatus at the moment.  But we have some BIG plans and we'll be back soon with a brand new website, and all new PODCAST, and of course Season Three of VHS Breakdown!
A Great Name for a Punk Band! "The Lack Lusters"

That one was from Rob, and probably one of my favorite band names of all time.  If you think you could do better i'd like to see you try!

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - So i talk to myself.  Like, a LOT.  Not like crazy person a lot but definitely borderline that much, and i can definitely see it's getting worse as i get older.  "You're already old!"  Shut up person blowing up my spot right after my birthday!  Although i guess admitting i talk to myself like a nutjob isn't helping anything.  For real, i talk to myself at home, in the car, in public... wow i guess i kinda do it all of the time.  i probably got this trait from my dad, he does it a decent amount as well.  Although you would too if you had 5 kids!
But whatever, i've been thinking about it and i've finally realized yesterday that i'm okay with talking to myself  Why wouldn't i be? i talk to plenty of aholes and dumbasses during the day that aren't nearly as smart or as funny as i am, let alone who are as attractive and/or have as nice a penis!  And anyways, when i talk to myself i'm at least talking to someone who will get my jokes.  And plus figure if i'm going to grow increasingly insane i might as well embrace it.  And all of you should embrace my insanity too, unless you want me to murder you in your sleep of course.  HAHAHAHA I'M JUST KIDDING!!! :) !!  haha...

"OLD SCHOOL" Tips for Video Games: i don't really have any tips for this game other then to say it helps if you are EXTREMELY racist...

Thanks to Jay John for that picture because all that kid does is post ruthless pics on Facebook all day like a lunatic.

But alright fine, some of you may have noticed i haven't done this video game tip bit in a while.  So it'd probably be cool if i had an actual tip for this bit.  So here ya go, the new Super Mario Brothers game is coming out soon!
Alright fine, the real "tip" here is for all of you no life having nerds to stop playing video games and start hitting on hot broads who will hopefully play with your own personal joystick one day!

Fast Food Tips - So hopefully you'll be at a BBQ with your friends and/or family this Labor Day weekend and the last place you'll end up is a Quick Chek.  But if you are a poor pathetic loser and you end up there then you're in luck because they are having a Labor Day Sub Spectacular from August 29th to September 1st where all 6 inch subs are $1.99!  So have fun at your BBQ's you popular people, my lonely ass will be going to town on cheap good sandwiches!
And that's it for me this week kids!  And i would apologize for only putting out one blog last week on my birthday and only putting out one blog the week before a long holiday weekend but if you read my quote to start this blog you realize i NEVER apologize!  So have a great end of August everyone, party it up as much as possible, don't end up at Quick Check the way i plan on doing and i'll see you kids in September!

Friday, August 22, 2014

Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart. No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet, death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it, and that is how it should be, because death is very likely the single best invention of life. It's life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. - Steve Jobs


What is up kids?

"Hey A$$hole, don't give us "What is up kids?"!?!"  Where the f*ck were you on Tuesday with an all new blog?  You never even told us you were taking off!"  Why no, no i didn't.  And for that i do apologize to my faithful readers, because after over 3 1/2 years of writing these over 325 blogs i finally got ghetto and just didn't put one up.  But it wasn't my fault!  i had started my birthday blog and had planned to have it ready, but then i ran into some computer issues and unfortunately i wasn't able to post it on Tuesday. But i hope you can forgive me! Plus  i was too busy partying on my birthday to post a new blog!
"Whoo hoo birthday boy!"  Yeah yeah Tuesday was my birthday.  Whoever took the under on whether i would make it to this age alive go f yourself, you lost!  i don't blame you for taking that bet though, the odds were heavily in your favor...

Hey, wait a minute.  That's the joke i started off my blog with the only time i posted a blog on my actual birthday back in 2011.  And while i'm a big fan of reusing my old material i think my loyal readers deserve a brand new opening for this brand new birthday blog!  So here goes...

What is up kids?

Well i can tell you one thing that's up, and that's me in age.  And that's because today's my birthday!

"Whoo hoo birthday boy!  Now you're not just fat, you're fat AND old!  And unfunny!  i mean really, "up in age?"  Did you really think we'd let you get off with such a lame joke just because it's your birthday?"  Why yes, yes i did.  But the fact that you expect more from me even in my advanced years makes me feel good.  In fact, it makes me feel great!  Because it's a beautiful day to be alive my friends, and what's better then spending my birthday with my family and my girl and my friends?  Nothing, that's what.  Days like this is what's life is all about, and i'm going to enjoy every second of it!  Even the hours that i'm spending at work today!

Yup, you heard me right. i'm actually at work on my birthday.  Which is really a rookie mistake to make, because who wants to be at work on their birthday?  Psychos, that's who.   Although a veteran will tell you that you should never take off from work on the day of your birthday.  You take the day AFTER off so you can go to work, get all the birthday attention showered on you that you deserve, and then party all night and spend the day after your birthday recovering!  Although since i didn't take the day after my birthday off either i really am straight up BLOWING it this year.  Next thing you know i won't even get to post this blog today!  Which is kind of sad, because you would figure after being on this planet for 52 years i would finally start to figure out SOMETHING...
But no i haven't learned a thing, and apparently i'm know smarter then i was when i first popped into this world kicking and streaming.  Although i'm not really sure if i was brought in kicking and screaming on my first birthday.  i mean my memory of that day is foggy at best.  i remember there being a lot of light, and me being covered in blood and goo and there were a lot of people staring at me in masks.  Which is funny, because that is LITERALLY the exact same way i celebrated my birthday party last Saturday night, completely covered in goo!
But that was last weekend, and now my birthday suit has been rinsed and scrubbed and i'm smelling great and feeling fresh!   And i know what you're thinking, and you're welcome for me putting this image in your head!  Although speaking of keeping things fresh, since it is my birthday and i believe that i've earned the right to post a blog late AND be lazy and post old stuff, i'm going to leave you off with a rant i wrote for another birthday blog.  It's one that still makes me laugh, so hopefully it does for you too.  And if it doesn't oh well, just pretend it does and it can be one last birthday present for me!  Thanks so much everyone!

What is up kids?

Blog 149 and i'm feeling fine... plus it's my birthday weekend!  Alright fine who am i kidding, it's my birthday month and i haven't stopped partying once!  Because i'll be honest my friends, i am a HUGE fan of my birthday.  i mean don't get me wrong, yeah i'm getting kind of sick of this whole getting older thing.  But whatever, sleeping with an 18 year old girl is legal in this country whether i am 24 or i'm 54.  So who cares how old i'm getting?  i follow the laws of this country, of AMERICA.  And if banging an 18 year old teen is legal, and as long as i obey the laws of this great nation i consider myself a patriot and a great American.  US and A!  US and A!  US and A!


-- If there's one thing i dig about getting older it's not having to do my laundry at a laundromat anymore.  Isn't that the WORST??? i actually have less respect for people who have never had to do their laundry at a laundromat, because they don't know the struggle the rest of us have had to deal with.  Like for example, the fact that every Laundromat is THE SHADIEST PLACE ON EARTH! 

There are always nothing but the ugliest and creepiest people ever around, you always put your laundry in and then leave and when you come back there are no dryers available, and you're always pretty sure someone tries on your underwear when you're not around.  And i don't mean after it's clean!  And of course these machines don't take debit cards and you have to go looking for quarters like you're a teenager in the 80's playing video games.  And the best thing is when you're finally done and get home and then you realize you forgot to empty your hamper and now you have to go back again.  But yeah getting old sucks my balleens but never having to go to the laundromat is the moneyest thing ever!  Although can anyone explain to me why it's spelled laundromat and not "laundrymat?" i just can't figure it out...
- So besides reading my blog and letting me get away with not posting on on Tuesday, and also letting me reuse a ton of old material for today's blog i do want to ask you all for ONE more present.  And that's to watch the Season Finale of "VHS Breakdown" Season One, "Revenge of the Nerds" one more time! This episode has WAY less views then it should, especially considering it's one of the most EPIC shows we've ever done.  It's one of my favorite movies ever, we literally wrap up our entire first season in amazing fashion and the ending is so touching that i literally shed a tear every time i watch it.  Now if i could only shed some pounds as well my life would be perfect!

"Facebook Etiquette"-

- i know i've mentioned it one or 85 times or so but in case you didn't know FXX is now showing a marathon of every, Simpsons, EVER!!!
If you don't think i'm going to try and spend every possibly second watching as much of this marathon that i can then you are insane in the old membrane because i f'n LOVE the Simpsons.  In fact, if we had only one thing that we could send future generations to show them how amazingly funny and smart and gifted we were as a human race i would send them a copy of this marathon and that's it.  And don't give me that $hit about this show not being funny after the 4th season.  i'd put seasons 5-12 against ANY other shows and it'd be right in the conversation of funniest show ever, no contest!  And if you don't agree with me on this that's fine, because opinions are like a$$holes and if you don't think the Simpsons are the moneyest show ever then you're an a$$hole!

A Great Name for a Punk Band! The Jack A Ninnies

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE- Speaking of birthdays, while i do love my birthday and all, and while i personally have my birthday "month" where i basically do whatever i want all of August, i absolutely HATE surprise parties.  Not because i hate parties, but because the idea of a "surprise" party is so f*cked up!!  So let me get this straight, ALL of my closest friends and even my family members are going to get together and go behind my back so they can come up with some HUGE lie that they are going to tell me right to my face???  i'll tell you right now, i am NOT comfortable with that knowledge!!  

And who's the one who throws these surprise parties? It's always your best friend or your girlfriend or brother or your wife or sister or mother, whoever is closest to you in this life and has your most trust.  Because yeah that's awesome, it's good to know that i would actually take a bullet for you and there are secrets i know about you that i would take to my grave.  But you on the other hand, have NO PROBLEM gathering everyone i know behind my back in order to come up with a huge conspiracy of lies just to get me to show up at a random restaurant on a Friday night.  i'm tired of the lies, i'm tired of not being able to trust those closest to me, and i'm gddamn tired of surprise parties!!
And that's it for me today kids!  Thanks to everyone for all of your birthday wishes, and thanks for forgiving me for being too lazy to post a new blog on my birthday and still coming back to read me today.  i had one of the best birthdays ever, and i have to thank my parents and my sister Rachael (who's birthday is tomorrow!) and my friends who came to my party and most importantly my girlfriend who did everything to make sure i had the best day.  i've definitely got this getting older thing down now, so once i get the getting wiser part as well my life will be perfect.  But until then i'll just keep writing blogs until i get there i guess.  Starting with this one and the one i will put out this Tuesday.  i promise!

Cya on Tuesday, for reals this time! @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Friday, August 15, 2014

Happiness does not depend on outward things, but on the way we see them. - Leo Tolstoy


What is up kids?

i'm not sure, but can someone tell me why cops are shooting unarmed black kids like hotcakes these days?  Whether it be choke holds to a guy whose biggest crime is selling loose cigarettes, or shooting an unarmed teen in Walmart that is holding a BB gun that is sold at the store, and then never releasing the name of the cop who shot him and then sending armed men with machine guns and tanks to a protest of said shooting, cops sure don't look that great in the media these days.
That picture above DEFINITELY shows the correct response to a bunch of peaceful, unarmed protesters who are exercising their Constitutional rights to speak out against injustice!  It's a good thing these cops responded the same way when there was an armed white militia pointing guns at the Bundy ranch!  Oh wait, now i remember.  Cops were nowhere to be found at the Bundy ranch.  How convenient!  Although i guess it makes sense, you wouldn't want to send a bunch of cops dressed like this to a protest where white people have guns.  That might actually be dangerous!
And am i saying all cops are power hungry racist monsters?  No, of course not.  i know plenty of cops that are good people, and when most of them pull me over just for being a Hispanic driving a car in Bergen County they are very gentle with their cavity searches and even throw in a nice tickle to my taint here and there.  And to be honest even as i speak on these troubling issues i won't even pretend to know all of the facts of these cases and/or try to make a strong point either way on who's right and who is wrong.  Because i'm not going to sit here and pretend like i know everything that's going on just to fit my own personal narrative and then pass on said ignorance to my readers.  i mean yeah i do that with pretty much every other rant/bit that i do on this blog, but not with this one!
 But despite all that i will say there is definitely something wrong with the police culture in this country.  And while it just may be a few bad apples that are ruining the bunch something still needs to be done IMMEDIATELY.  Like first off, why don't the police have cameras with them all of the time?  Obviously they aren't doing anything illegal if they are cops, what would they possibly be afraid of having on videotape?  And to all you people that are so in favor of people on welfare having to take drug tests before they can get any money, don't you also believe police should film everything they do so that we can hold them accountable as well?  Or are you only concerned with poor black people spending money on alcohol and drugs, and not with the police being held responsible for their actions?  Seems just a tad hypocritical to me.
Although i don't know, filming the police seems like it would make WAY too much sense which means it'll probably never happen.  i mean yeah instead of just accepting the word of a man who's in uniform seems to work fine for them now, but if we filmed everything the cops were doing then maybe we could have an objective look at the facts instead of just taking a policeman's word for everything and assuming that cops would never lie.  For some reason that doesn't make sense to me...
But whatever, enough of this garbage for one day.  i feel lucky and privileged that i can comment and joke about these issues without personally being involved or affected, but the truth is two people that didn't need to die are now dead with one of them being a teenager.  A teenager that will never know what it feels like to turn 20 let alone 30, and that is a tragedy.

Although speaking of turning 30 my birthday is this Tuesday! Holy $hitballs everyone!  And to all of you taking bets that my obesity and sloth would have stopped my heart by now and that i would have never made it to this age well you can go suck it!  So enough with these tragedies for one day, and enough with the police brutality.   i'm just going to focus on my own happiness and the love that surrounds me and my family and my girl and my friends.  Because like we learned on the Series Finale of Wilfred that almost brought me to tears, happiness does not depend on outward things, but on the way we see them.


- So yeah forget my birthday this Tuesday, we're only 7 DAYS AWAY before FXX airs EVERY. SIMPSONS. EVER!
And if wondering what my all time favorite episode is, and unless you hate comedy and awesomeness of course you are, my favorite/best episode of the Simpsons ever is "i Love Lisa," the 15th episode of what most people consider the greatest season, Season 4.  If you haven't seen this one you are kinda blowing it in life, but it's the one where Lisa gives Ralph Wiggum a Valentine's day card because no one else did and she feels bad for him and then he falls in love with her.  From top to bottom this is best episode i've ever seen, and if anyone disagrees or thinks otherwise please let me know in the comments here and/or on Facebook!
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - So when i buy eggs at the store i never check my eggs first to see if any of them are broken.  Is that what everybody does?  It seems like it would make sense to just give them a quick once over and make sure that none of the eggs you bought are broken already.  And i know that's the smart thing to do and that i should do it every time.  But instead i've decided that i'll just take the chance and hope for the best because i'm too stupid to take that 2-3 seconds to open the carton.  Am i the only one this lazy?  i don't even really have a bit here, i'm just wondering.
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - Why do people only drink eggnog during the holidays?  I love egg nog, i think its delicious.  But other then Christmas and Easter i never let myself enjoy a glass.  Which is bull$hit because it's delicious!  So why do i wait for it once a year?  Same thing goes for deviled eggs.  i LOVE deviled eggs but besides Easter i pretty much never eat them except on the rare occasion somebody really awesome makes them.   And again i don't really have a bit here, it's just odd to me.  Two fantastic egg treats, and for some unknown reason i only enjoy them semi-annually.
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - i think Egg rolls are weird and disgusting.  i always give them a chance, mostly because they come free with whatever else i order and i sure do love free stuff.  But ugh, i just can't like them.  What are they anyway?  It's like fried cole slaw and Chinese onions are weird stuff like cat and whatever, or at least that's what they taste like to me anyways.  And i try to dip them in different sauces to make them better, but it is always still just kinda gross and i can't eat more then one or two bites before i'm finito. 

And it'd be nice if i could substitute another free thing when i order Chinese food instead of Egg rolls since i don't dig them.  Like i wish i could get boneless barbecue spare ribs instead or that garbage.  "But miguel they can't do that, that costs so much more!  They'd never do that switch!"  That's why i said "it'd be nice" ahole.  What am i not gonna wish for the best possible thing?  Please don't take away my dreams people.
Fast Food FACTS Do you guys know how to tell if eggs are fresh or not?  i had a conversation recently about fresh eggs because i'm a stupid grown up now and that's what stupid grown ups do.  But i was intrigued to hear how amazing super fresh eggs taste and now i'm kind of obsessed with them.  Anyways if you are obsessed with fresh eggs the way i am, here is a helpful chart to help increase your insanity!
Fast Food Tips - "Hey a$$hole!  That's enough bits about gddamn eggs!  And these are all old bits that you've done already, how about something new you lazy unfunny basterd?!?"  True, i guess those last few bits do smell a little, rotten.  But yeah i agree, enough about eggs.  How about chickens?!?  Because if you haven't heard Burger King has just brought back their "Chicken Fries," which i'm guessing they're doing because those lowfat garbage "Satisfries" they tried pushing on us a while ago were terrible and yet another marketing blunder by corporate douchebags who don't understand the product they sell which is unhealthy awfulness.
BK describes them as "premium white meat chicken, coated in a light crispy breading seasoned with savory spices and herbs." i describe them as unknown mystery meat coated in carby nonsense that in no way should be described using the words "savory" or "spices" or "herbs" or "chicken."  But lucky for Burger King and all fast food places there is zero truth in advertising.  So enjoy your "premium" white meat chicken, which is obviously what America prefers over a healthier alternative.  

And oh yeah, here's one last message to Burger King's "healthy" Satisfries...


"Here’s another question I have: how come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelet? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden?" 
- George Carlin

And that's it for me today kids!  i hope everyone has a great weekend and if you're around my house this Saturday i hope you stop by for my epic birthday party!  And by "epic" i mean i'm going to get really drunk and angry and probably pass out by 8:30 because i'm an old f*ck who can't hold his liquor and never could.

But thanks for reading my blog, i hope i made you think and/or laugh at least once and please feel free to share with others that like doing those things as well.  It can be an early birthday present for me!  Although speaking of my birthday, i'll see you guys next Tuesday when it actually IS my birthday!

Cya Tuesday, @migueljose_85 on Twitter