THE BLOG ABOUT THE TURKEY HOLOCAUST
What is up kids?
So is everyone ready for the big holiday this week? And no i'm not talking about Thanksgiving, because i know no one cares about that holiday. i'm talking about "Black Friday," the biggest and greatest shopping day of the year!
And just in case you've never read this blog before or my sarcasm isn't coming off the way i'm hoping it is, i f*cking HATE Black Friday and everything it stands for. Because first of all it's extremely racist, as everyone should be calling it "African American Friday" and not Black Friday. But besides that, the idea of standing outside in the freezing cold for hours on end with other miserable angry ahole Americans just to get a cheaper game system or television instead of spending time with your family or even just to be alone in your warm bed is f*cking INSANITY to me.
And dont' get me wrong, i love me a good deal. For instance i always go shopping in the "Clearance" racks at stores and don't think i have ever paid full price for an article of clothing ever. But as much as i love a good sale, you will NEVER find me out in the crowd during Black Friday. Mostly because people are insane, uncaring maniacs who will stampede over you just to get a cheap toy and/or gadget. And i must admit, i actually enjoy the fact that people get hurt during these Black Friday sales. Mostly because i'm hoping that if enough people get hurt then maybe Americans will finally start to understand how f'n stupid it is to "celebrate" this moronic holiday and learn that buying crap we don't need isn't the best way to say i love you.
But whatever, i know what i'm saying is falling on deaf ears. Most of you can't wait until Black Friday and will have no problem leaving Thanksgiving dinner early to go spend your holiday at any of the bull$hit stores that are open. You know, the ones where the owners of the Corporations will be with their families getting richer while the rest of us are either working or in line for garbage products. So yeah my point here isn't to change anyone's mind because i know i won't. i just want you to be aware of how stupid you are being and to let you know that as far as the game of life goes you are losing badly if this Thursday and Friday revolve around spending money on uselss crap. So now that you know this we can get to the nonsense already!
- They say that Christmas is the time of miracles but apparently they are starting early this year when Odell Beckham Jr made the GREATEST football catch of all time Sunday night! If you haven't seen it yet you are blowing it in life but you can redeem yourself by watching it here now!
And yeah the Giants still lost the game to the Cowgirls, and yeah the David Tyree catch happened in the Super Bowl so it might be better. All i know is Odell Beckham Jr is the gddamn man, and the fact that is nickname is "ODB" is the best $hit ever! And if the Giants organization was smart they would play "Shimmy Shimmy Ya" or "Got Your Money" every single time he scores! Do it Big Blue!
- So i have an admission that i need to make to the ladies, and i'm doing this even though every guy will hate me for doing so. But i write this blog to drop as much knowledge and laughter as i possibly can for everyone, and there is something that i think all of the women out there need to know. And that's that all of us guys pee their pants. ALL of us. Every single day. And no it's not on purpose! It's just that when we're done taking a pee at a urinal, no matter how much we shake our best friend out, once we put him back in our pants we almost always end up with a little wet spot on our crotch. Which may sound gross i guess, but there is literally nothing we can do about it. Because even if we wait until we're completely done draining the lizard, no matter how hard and fast we shake our own personal trouser snake before we put him back in the cage we still have a little wet spot right in the crotchal region on our khakis every single time.
And speaking of khakis, they are the WORST pants to wear when pissing at a urinal! Especially the super light tan ones, because then the world can see every single drop of urine as clear as day. In fact, most of us have even perfected the art of washing our hands and splashing water on our crotch, so this way instead of it looking like we have urine drops on our pants we can just be like, "hey, it's the water from washing our hands! It is DEFINITELY not urine that you're looking at!" And this is also the reason we love jeans so much, because pee barely shows up on them if at all. And i feel like most girls had no clue about this little tidbit, and i bet if you ask your man he will deny it to his grave. But you can trust me your humble narrator when i tell you that all guys pee their pants whether they will admit it or not, i'm just the one who is brave enough to admit it to the world! And stupid and gross enough to do so as well i guess...
- So i'm thinking about going gluten free, because it sounds fun and trendy and you know i love doing whatever fad the American public is currently into! And i think i've figured out what foods i'm allowed to eat but i did have one question. If i was a gay man which i am DEFINTIELY NOT! Would i be allowed to go down on a guy who wasn't gluten free? Like if i got romantic with a guy who just ate a dozen bagels and ate an entire pie filled with cream, would i also then be swallowing gluten down my throat when he gave me his own personal cream pie in my mouth? And please, before you get offended or shocked by this image please just know this is a hypothetical and i'm just curious about the best way to stay off of gluten. Because the last thing i would want would be to stay away from gluten in foods but then ruin it all be enjoying the creamy sauce of a man whose favorite food is pasta!
Was that last bit too much? Oh well, you only get one blog this week because of the holiday so i gotta make it count!
Fast Food Tips - Now i repost this next bit every Thanksgiving which means i know you all want me to keep the tradition going! And yes it also means that i'm super lazy and this bit is super funny and delicious so i'm going to give it to you again. So enjoy!
What if i told you there was a way you could combine White Castle with the best holiday of the year? "Holy S miguel i'd crap my pants in glee!" Well you're in luck my friends, because straight from White Castle's website i give you the recipe for "White Castle Turkey Stuffing!"
So to all of you who have thought, "i enjoy Thanksgiving and i love taking a big steamy dump after all is said and done, but i kinda wish i could take bigger and longer deuces to make the holiday last even longer" To those of you who thought that enjoy your White Castle stuffing and thank me later! And oh yeah those of you who thought that... MAN do you have problems! But you have come to the right blog. And the best thing about this stuffing is that it's good for the kids as well!
And that's it for me today kids! i hope everyone has a fantastic week, as i won't be returning until next Tuesday with an all new blog. But for real, try to realize everything that you have to be thankful for in this life this Thursday. Because if you really think about it we are the luckiest gddamn people on the entire planet. Imagine being lucky enough to be born in America, with all of your limbs and fingers and toes with somewhat good health and access to all of the best television and comedy and food in the world. i know it's easy to get caught up in all of life's bull$hit like bills and social status, but Thanksgiving is a great time to chill out and think about all of the stuff we do have because trust me it is a LOT. Which is the main reason you don't need to end the holiday early to go out and get more stuff!
But whatever you do i hope you all have the best holiday, i hope you eat turkey until you f*cking explode stuffing all over your living room and if you're not in a food coma next Tuesday don't forget to read an all new blog!