Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man -- living in the sky -- who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time! But He loves you... He loves you and he needs money! - George Carlin


What is up kids?

It's blog number TWO HUNDRED AND NINETY NINE, and you're gddamn right i'm feeling motherf*ckin fine!
Can anyone believe i'm at 299 blogs?  "No, we can't!  We still can't believe you lasted more then a week at this!  Especially when all you ever do is get fired up about starting something and then you lose interest immediately and then you never end up getting anywhere, in your projects and/or in your life!"  Wait, was that you trying to say "congratulations?"   Oh well, i'll take it.  Thank you!!!
But accomplishments aside, i did feel the need to start today off with that RUTHLESS quote about religion by George Carlin, even though Easter is this Sunday and Passover is right now.
Although speaking of holidays, does everyone realize that Easter is on 4/20 this year?  Of course you do, mostly because the Interwebs have made it so that it's impossible to make a point and/o joke that hasn't been made by somebody, ANYBODY else on social media already...
But yeah i guess if you grew up Catholic or at least believing in God a quote like Carlin's is kind of hard to swallow, i'm guessing because it goes against EVERYTHING that you believe in.  And i'm not ready to say what i personally do or don't believe in right now, mostly because i'm not positive what that is.  Because i'll be honest kids, religion is a subject that i ponder about CONSTANTLY.

But that Carlin quote above? It was "jokes" like this that made me really start to question everything as a child.  Because i couldn't believe what he was saying!!  When i grew up you were NEVER allowed to say anything about religion, and just the act of asking a question seemed blasphemous.  Questioning religion??  That was a first class ticket to hell as far as most people were concerned!

And i always hated that, and i honestly believe the way they tried to stop us from having questions made me who i am today.  Because i know for most people who are religious the idea of having "faith" is enough for them.  And while i would never try to take someones faith away from them, it just was never enough for me to believe something just because someone was telling me to do so.  i don't care if was about God or even just questioning my bed time as a child, it was a real hard sell to get me to believe anything.  ESPECIALLY when i wasn't allowed to ask all the questions that i wanted to ask!
And while that picture above is really a little Jay John questioning religion and not myself it still makes my point.  And my point is that i think we should be able to question EVERYTHING on this planet, and anyone who stops you from doing so has no clue what this life is all about.  i never want my mind to become lazy and not think about and question everything that comes into my brain.  If something seems crazy to me, like following traditions that people came up with over 2000 years ago, you can bet your ass i'm going to question it!  And anything that won't let me do so will always seem a little shady in my eyes, if not a lot shady.

And all i ask is that you don't judge me for doing so.  If you believe strongly in religion and don't feel the need to question anything, fine.  But don't look down on me or judge me because i want to question life.  Gaining knowledge and expanding our minds is TRULY what being a human is all about, that and surrounding yourself with love.  And if you need religion to do this so be it, but don't judge others just because their path is a different one then yours.  You don't have to agree with what i believe in or how i live my life, all i'm saying is be open to ideas that may seem scary and "offensive" to you.

Although speaking of offensive, get ready for this Sunday at 4:20 because that will be my EPIC 4/20 blog which will also be blog 300.  And it doesn't matter if you believe in God or not ,because the fact that i'll have been doing this blog for over 3 years and written 300 mostly masterpieces is a miracle in itself!  Hallelujah!


- So can i tell a quick awful story that i've never told anyone before?  Of course i can, it's my gddamn blog!  Anyways, when i was a Sophomore at Ramapo college (my last actual semester at that school before i kinda got kicked out) i lived in a dorm with my roommate Billy and we shared a bathroom with two other random dudes that we never saw and didn't know.  But the worst thing about sharing this bathroom was that there was ALWAYS pubes all over our toilet bowl every time we went in our bathroom.  And it was HORRIFIC! How dare these aholes be so f'n repugnant right?

So we did what any passive aggressive aholes would do, we left a note saying "Hey jerkoffs!  Stop leaving your disgusting sweathy hairy pubes all over the bathroom every time you use it you gross f*cks!"  Which totally solved the problem, right?  WRONG!  Because imagine our surprise when the kid left us his own personal note where he said, "Look, i'm sorry for the mess in the bathroom.  i am going through Chemo right now and i'm losing more of my hair then i expected to..." So yeah that happened to me in my life.  Man i'm an ahole!  Way to go you sophomoric bag of douche.
- Speaking of cool things you learn on the Interwebs, did everyone else see this meme on social media this week?  It's not the craziest thing ever by any means but that doesn't mean it's still not pretty cool! 
- So i wanted to write about "The MTV Movie Awards" this week but then i remembered i'm an old man and that i haven't watched MTV since 1969.  Haha 69.  Anyways rumor has it Kate Upton was there, and i guess she's in a new movie with some broads that aren't nearly as attractive as her.  And since i didn't see her on the awards show i'm going to just have to take a guess at what she was wearing and this is what i came up with in my head, hopefully it's pretty accurate...
-Did everyone see last week's EPIC episode of "VHS Breakdown" where we reviewed "Back to the Future?"  You DIDN'T?????  Then watch it now if you haven't forgotten the face of your father!

Pretty fantastic right?  Well part DOS premiers on Thursday, in our first ever sequel to one of our episodes.  Make sure you tune in to see the amazing conclusion!!

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE -  Never, EVER ask a girl "Are you mad at me?"  Unless you never want to sleep with said girl ever.  Girls HATE insecurity more then anything.  Case in point, do you nice guys want to know why girls date a$$holes? Guys like to think it's because they treat their girls like $hit, which is only true in the case of Italian girls.  But girls date a$$holes because they are mad confident, and confidence is EXTREMELY sexy to a woman.   So again, never, EVER, ask a girl "Are you mad at me?"

Or you can not listen to what i say and then do ask her that, i just hope you enjoy your night alone pleasuring yourself in the shower crying in loneliness like this other Mexican/Dominican guy with somewhat the same build as me did last weekend.  No not me jerks, his name is Manuel Jose and he DEFINITELY does not write a blog...

- So i absolutely HATE the NY Rangers and i hope they lose every game in the playoffs by an average of 5 goals.  But regardless i do want to say Congratulations to my friend Jackie who just had a beautiful baby girl!  She's the money and she deserves all the happiness in the world that doesn't involve hockey, so congrats to my friend and good luck!  And i hope Alexa never sees a Rangers cup in her life!!

Fast Food Tips - So i finally tried the Taco Bell breakfast and i have to say it was everything i dreamed of!  Not so much a delicious tasting meal, as it definitely wasn't that and that's not what i was dreaming of in the first place.  What i imagined was an "after party" in my stomach from eating Taco Bell so early in the morning, and what came next was a natural event in my bowels that would put the Polar Vortex to shame.  Forget last night's eclipse, there was a "blood moon" in my very own bathroom as the New Orleans type levies in by butt cheeks burst open and ravaged what was left of "toilet town." So basically what i'm saying is Taco Bell's breakfast gave me the $hits.  Guess there's no point in being subtle about it.
And that's it for me today kids!  Don't forget, there's no new blog this Friday as i'll be putting up BLOG 300 this Sunday at 4/20!  My annual 4/20 blog is always a special one, and it only makes sense that i'm hitting this major milestone on such a special occasion.

But don't forget to watch an all new episode of "VHS Breakdown" this Thursday at 4/20, and then come back here on Easter for my 300th 4/20 blog spectacular!   What an epic gddamn week!!!

Cya at Blog #300 on 4/20!  @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Friday, April 11, 2014

It doesn't seem to matter what the facts are. It used to be everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. - Stephen Colbert


What is up kids?

i'll tell you what's barely up, and that's your oh so humble narrator who had a ROUGH night yesterday.  After putting up a brand new and our most EPIC episode of "VHS Breakdown" ever at 4:20 on Blip the co-creator and i decided to celebrate the achievement with a couple games of beer pong as well as a bacon Sicilian pizza from our favorite pizza place "Turvinos."  Sounds like a great plan right!  WRONG!!
i am SO hurt up today, and for real i have zero clue how i'm even going to write this blog.  And it's not even so much because i'm hungover right now, which i am. It's more the fact that i spent all last night puking and deucing myself to no end, to the point where i had to peek my head out of the bath while taking a shower and throw up in the toilet from there because my stomach hurt so bad.  And i know what some of my loyal readers are thinking, "Why didn't you just get on all fours in the shower and throw up down the drain like you used to in your old blogs?" 

That's a very astute observation, and i must say i'm impressed that you would even ask that.  But the truth is that normally when i'm hungover it's usually the next day that i'm throwing up bile and my stomach lining and any other "fluids" that i have in my system.  And normally i have zero problem getting on all fours like a dog and throwing up down the drain while i'm taking a shower and i'm praying and begging for mercy from all of the old and new Gods that are or ever were.
But like i said before, we had ordered a Sicilian bacon pie from Turvinos, a pizza that we went to TOWN on. So i couldn't lay down in the shower and throw up in the drain after that, it would be filled with pizza chunks!  And there's nothing more depressing then feeling gross and disgusting in the shower while trying to push bits of bacon pizza down the drain after just throwing up in the shower. It's undignified and to be honest i don't want people to think i'm not classy.
But after a miserable sweaty night of awful sleep and stomach pains and a crushing headache that i can still feel lingering in my dome i made it to today which is Friday.  And that's REALLY what life is all about!  My hope is that even after reading this you will learn NOTHING from my words, and that you will still go to happy hour after work or some kind of bar or restaurant and treat yourself to a cocktail or two or 9.  Don't let the fact that i'm a pu$$y who can't handle beer anymore stop you from partying tonight!  You've worked hard all week, you deserve to enjoy yourself even if it's only for one night.  And Friday after work is the longest possible time before you have to go to work again so make the most of it!  Just try to avoid the situation i woke up to and you should be okay!


So this is blog 298, which means i'm only TWO AWAY from 300!  And yes i did that math for you, you're welcome!  And yes i am very well aware that after almost 3 years and 300 blogs that i'm still writing rants about being a hungover disaster who wakes up in his own filth.
 But i just want to give you all the heads up now that i'm writing one new blog on Tuesday and then i'm writing blog number 300 on 4/20 for my annual super special 4/20 blog that i do every year.  Except that even though i never have blogs on Sunday this time i'll be posting it at 4:20 on 4/20!  And yes i know it's Easter Sunday but whatever, you'll be so sick of church and hanging with your family and eating until you need to unbutton your pants that it will be nice to read something funny.   So yeah come back here on Tuesday for an all new blog, but don't forget the next one will be on 4/20 at 4:20!!
- So have you watched my review of "Back to the Future" yet?  You HAVEN'T??? What the F is your problem?  i watched it this morning and that's after i spent all night in a passionate make out session with my toilet bowl.

Well lucky for you i'm going to put it here so you can watch it now.  So go watch it already, it's super funny!

- So if you haven't heard the news (which is impossible if you are on any sort of social media) Stephen Colbert is taking over "The Late Show" with David Letterman.  And while that news is definitely awesome, it does kind of suck that he will have to stop "The Colbert Report."  Because NO ONE shows how ridiculous the media and Conservatives and Liberals are better then Colbert, NO ONE.  And while his show is a comedy show it's also very important in defending us sane individuals who have normal ideas on what this country can be from the loud mouth uneducated nut jobs who end up having the largest voice in this country.  Mostly because the media gives them the microphone in order to get higher ratings and not report any news.

And i obviously wish him well and if i do watch a late night talk show i will definitely pick Colbert over Fallon, because besides being extremely likable and talented at impersonating famous people i don't particularly find Jimmy that funny.  But Colbert is the gddamn man as was Letterman, and while i will definitely miss "The Colbert Report" hopefully someone else can pick up his reigns in the fight against the insanity that is this nations government.  Hopefully.
And oh yeah, if there is one thing that makes me SUPER happy about Colbert taking over the Late Show it's big fat drug addicted hate mongers like Rush Limbaugh getting all mad about him being picked to replace Dave.  This one tweet alone already makes everything worth it!!

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - If you're a $hitty parent, would you really care if DYFUS came and took your children away?  i feel like if you were an awful parent that getting someone to take away your kids would seem like HEAVEN to you.

"So wait, so you're telling me that if i continue to abuse and neglect my children that the government will actually send people to come take my bratty ahole kids... and they'll do it for free?  i dont' get it, what's the catch?  There is none?? Where do i sign up?!?!  Although wait, you're also telling me that the worse i treat these little aholes the quicker you'll get these monsters out of here?  i'm grabbing a bottle of vodka and a belt and i'll see you in an hour!  Thank you for doing God's work!!"

And if you can't tell the answer is no, i don't have kids of my own.
And that's it for me today kids!  i'm barely hanging on so i'm going to punch out Maverick.  But i hope everyone has a good weekend, make sure to "like" and "Share" my "Back to the Future" Episode of "VHS Breakdown" for crying out loud and i'll see you guys here on Tuesday!

Cya!  @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

It's not easy being drunk all of the time. If it were easy everyone would do it. - Tyrion Lannister "Game of Thrones"


What is up kids?

So i hope everyone had a fantastic weekend!  Although i know it's Tuesday and the weekend feels like it was FOREVER ago.  Especially with all this grey and rainy weather we have to deal with nonstop.  Although speaking of "Grey", how about the return of Theon Greyjoy and the rest of the families on "Game of Thrones" last Sunday????

Alright two things. First, that was the WORST segue to a rant that i've ever done in my blog EVER.  And secondly, don't worry everyone (Chuck) because i'm not going to give away any spoilers for Game of Thrones in my blog.  So for those of you lagging behind and who are so 2000 and late and haven't seen it yet and who are BLOWING it in life you won't get punished for it here.  Although what do people do when they aren't current on these big shows?  Personally i find that if i am not up to date on a show like Thrones or "True Detective" on HBO and then end up on Twitter or Facebook that any kind of social media spoils EVERYTHING, and the only way to not have it ruined is to stay off the Interwebs all night, and then the next morning as well.

For example, i know that the True Detective season finale wasn't that great.  And i also know it's a great show with a very interesting idea that took a somewhat obvious yet uninteresting turn at the end of the season... and i never watched one episode!!  And i also know that "The How i Met Your Mother" finale was TERRIBLE, and that it basically made the last two seasons of that show into absolute BULL$HIT and the ending was predictable and frustrating and nobody was happy. i know this despite never watching this show either.  And oh yeah, there was no William Zabka in the finale!!
Anyways, the point of this half assed rant is really about how there is just too much gddamn good television on Sunday nights!  Why do they have to literally put on every single show that i watch on at the same time on the same night each week?  C'mon jerks!  This Sunday at 9 i had to choose between "Bar Rescue," "Game of Thrones," "Cosmos," AND "Wrestlemania!!!"  That's right, i still watch wrestling sometimes even though i'm not a pre-pubescent teen boy.  So Suck it!  You, not the hot young boy i was just talking about...
Speaking of Wrestlemania, every year on that day i go to some sort of all you can eat BBQ with my friends as our Wrestlemania tradition.  A tradition that we've held since 1999, which coincidentally is also the same year that Kate Upton was born.  Some of those years we went to the Brazilian Rodizio all you can eat BBQ, but lately we've switched it up to Korean BBQ.  If you don't know the difference between the two Brazilian is the one where you have the red and green stick on your table and when you have the green part up they bring you non stop meats on skewers and slice it up to your delight on your plate until you say no mas!
Korean BBQ on the other hand, you go up and select all the meats you want to eat and then you come back and get to throw them on the grill yourself, because at your table is your very own grill that you can cook and season the meats in any way you want!  Here's a picture of Jay John making himself a few steaks.
But i had an incredible weekend, and hopefully this week flies by so we can enjoy another one again soon!  Although before i get to my nonsense, i just want to give thanks to the fact that my mother had major surgery on her upper back yesterday and Thank God she came out okay.  Obviously any kind of major surgery is scary, but especially work on your spine and ESPECIALLY any work on my mother.  She probably has no clue how much she means to me and has meant to me my entire life.  But i honestly believe if there is any shred of goodness and decency in me it is all because of her.  The being an obnoxious loud mouth who always has to be the center of attention at parties i clearly get from my dad.  But my mother is one of those truly good people that always tries to do what is right, and anytime i do anything wrong or bad i can hear her voice inside my head telling me to stop.  i don't always listen, but at least i know that what i'm doing is wrong!!

But anyways, the surgery was successful and it seems like she already has more movement and strength then she had before and i just wanted to say i'm extremely grateful because i don't know what i would do without her.  And it's her birthday tomorrow so if you can make a comment on Facebook, either on this post or on my Facebook page saying "Happy Birthday Sandy!" That would be awesome because she definitely earned this one!! :)


- So is everyone enjoying this season of "VHS Breakdown?"  You should be, it's the gddamn money!  And i'm SUPER excited for this weeks episode, it just may be our most ambitious one to date.  And just in case you're curious about what movie we're going to review, i'll just say that where we're going, we don't need roads....

A Great Name for a Punk Band! - "The Jive Turkeys"  And yes i just saw "Semi-Pro" with Will Ferrell this weekend and that's what made me think of it.

- One last thing about Wrestlemania, if you didn't hear about it the Undertaker's EPIC 21-0 undefeated streak at Wrestlemania was finally ended by the monster Brock Lesnar.  Which is the biggest upset in wrestling and/or MMA history!  Except for the fact that the Undertaker just turned 49 YEARS OLD, and that Brock Lesnar is almost 15 years younger then him and the former UFC Heavyweight champion of the World.  So is it REALLY that surprising when you think about it?
All i know is that it was an incredible streak, a feat that will never be matched again.  But it's time to give a heartfelt goodbye to his undefeated record, and by heartfelt goodbye i mean it's time to say to that streak...


"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - Is there anything worse then walking into a public bathroom while you're chewing gum?  i mean not like you do it on purpose, you obviously don't think, "hey i'm walking into a disgusting mall bathroom filled with unshowered $hitting aholes (literally) that i don't know, i'd better pop in this piece of gum!"  Or maybe you are like that and you're a weirdo who probably shouldn't be reading my blog.

i just mean when you're chewing gum walking around the mall, you decide you gotta take a pee so you walk in the restroom and the next thing you know that sugary piece of rubber in your mouth starts to taste like every vile and disgusting smell going on in that room until you've basically got a mouthful of diarrhea.  It sounds pretty disgusting but i gotta believe i'm not the only who makes that mistake, and hopefully after reading this bit you know to spit that $hit out before discovering this fact for yourself!
Fast Food Tips -  Unless you've been living under a rock and/or not reading my blogs then you should know now that Taco Bell has been offering a new breakfast menu.  Because if there's a right way to start your day it's by eating a rice and bean and bacon breakfast taco and then crapping your brains out the rest of the day  But McDonalds knows all about Taco Bell's quest to claim the breakfast throne, and instead of trying to overtake them like the Stark family of Winterfell trying to reclaim the kingdom they have instead decided to give away free coffee at breakfast!  
That's right, during breakfast hours through April 13th everyone can get a free small coffee at McDonalds.  Which means if you are as smart as Tyrion Lannister you will still go to Taco Bell to try their new breakfast menu and THEN you will stop by McDonalds just to get their free coffee.  That is truly the honorable behavior of a king!!!
Holy S that is IT for me today kids!!  i hope everyone enjoyed today's blog, and if you did tell a friend or two about it that you know could use a laugh.  But i hope you all have a great week, and don't forget to go to Blip on Thursday at 4:20 for an all new episode of "VHS Breakdown!" This one just might be our biggest episode EVER!  And oh yeah come back here on Friday for an all new blog too!

Friday, April 4, 2014

People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it? - Jim Gaffigan "Dad is Fat"


What is up kids?

Happy Friday everyone!  The day that everyone looks forward to all week is finally HERE!
 And yeah of course it's grey and rainy and miserable out, at least here in Bergen County.  But that doesn't change the fact that most of you will be done with work for the weekend in a few hours, and tonight you can finally do whatever you wanted to do all week!  Which i'm sure means drink a bottle or two of wine and pass out watching television at 9 o'clock which is earlier then you've been to bed all week, never getting to do anything that you want to do. 
But who cares, it's Friday!  Although before i go any further i gots to get one thing off my chest, and it's about how i am truly offended by "The Boomer and Carton Show" which is a morning "sports" talk show on WFAN.   They are supposedly a mix of comedy and sports talk but this week they really made some rough comments.

If you haven't heard the comments yet you can read about their comments HERE, but to try and sum it up basically they were making a comment on the New York Mets baseball player Daniel Murphy who took 3 days off at the start of the baseball season to be with his wife who was having her first child.  And that made Boomer and Carton so angry!  He's a professional baseball player, he needs to get back to his team immediately!  And there were no complications with the birth so why does he need to be there anyway?  It's not like he's breastfeeding or anything, why does he need to stay with his wife when his first child is born when he has games to play??

And before i go any further, i have to admit i used to agree with them. When i was younger and even stupider i definitely had a very Alpha  Male mentality that would look down on men who showed any actual "feelings."  What kind of pu$$y shows feelings?  Pu$$ies that's who!
Except now that i'm older and perhaps a little more wiser i realize that is the DUMBEST way to look at things, and that maybe this whole macho era of male bull$hit is something that we as a nation finally need to get over.  It's immature testosterone driven nonsense!  What is so "tough" about not crying or never showing emotion?  The letting it build up inside of you until you hit your wife and/or kids?  Or maybe it's the extreme RAGE you get while driving?  And i get why little kids think and act this way, because most dads try to instill this way of thinking in them.  "Don't play with girls toys!"  "You're a man, men don't cry!"  "Talking about your emotions is girly stuff, never do it!!"

And yeah, i always used to agree and believe with all of that stuff.  But now that i've been on this planet for a little while and i've seen some of the extreme highs and horrible lows that come with being a human on this planet i just cannot care about limiting boys and girls to any kind of behavior.  Why would we do that?  Why should boys not be able to wear pink, or girls wear a suit and tie if they want?  We have a limitless world of beauty and color and experiences that we all get to enjoy, why would want to limit any of that for anyone ever?

i just don't get it kids, but i'm done playing by everyone else's rules.  It's peer pressure, nothing else.  If you're a guy and you want to watch "Twilight" or any of the "Real Housewives" then i say go ahead and watch them! They are terrible and you will get nothing good out of watching them but if you like this crap then  f*cking watch them if you want!  And no, the point of this entire blog isn't just about me trying to explain to you all that i want to watch "Real Housewives," i f'n hate that $hit! Although it is bull$hit how everyone is turning on Lisa Vanderpump in Beverly Hills, Brandi was lucky that she even let her be her friend for crying out loud!!!
My point is who cares what people like and what they are into?  Stop all of this macho peer pressuring that has no place in any mature minds life!  You know how stupid it looks for children to fall to peer pressure when you are looking at it from an adults eyes?  This is no different, except that adults like to be blind to it because they are adults.  Well my eyes are wide open jerks, and it's about time the rest of you grew up as well.

What's worse is that Boomer and Carton are both parents, and for them to say the father doesn't need to be around for a few days when their wife just had their first child makes me feel bad for their wives, and for any women in their lives in general.  If you don't get that you need to be around for love and support for you wife, let alone your gddamn newborn you are a basically an animal in my eyes, or at least someone who doesn't understand what this life is truly all about.  You think a baseball game is more important?  And a METS game at that???

But like i said to start all of this off i'm very offended at both of them right now.  Not at anything they said, because it never surprises me when dumb jocks say stupid male macho garbage.  Because what else do they know?  What offends me is that Carton is on a sports talk show even though he CLEARLY knows little to nothing about sports, and that Boomer comes off as some great NFL Quarterback when he was average at best and he easily has the most childish and stupid nickname is sports.  "Whoo hoo i'm BOOMER!"  Oh yeah?  Boom these nuts buddy.  And the New York Rangers suck and haven't won a cup since 1994 and probably won't ever again either because they are as overrated as you are.  Have a nice day!


-Do you want to know a real douche way to get a free drink at a crowded bar?  Of course you do, why else do you read this blog?  Anyways, here's what you do.  It needs to be at a place that has more then one bartender and is preferably pretty packed.  A crowded bar in the city works perfect for this.  But what you do first is order just a club soda.  Or really any clear carbonated drink would work, like a Sprite for example.  Get it with a lime if you can, and if not grab a lime from the bar when they aren't looking and put it in your drink.  Then you go to the bartender you didn't order the drink from and go "Excuse me, i ordered a Vodka and club but they gave me a Vodka tonic."

And almost without fail the bartender will just pour out that drink and make you a new one, no questions asked.  Except maybe "what kind of Vodka?" which where if you are smart you will reply Grey goose.  Because who has time to check these things?  It's super busy and the bartender doesn't care, plus it's a simple enough mistake to make.  So it's a foolproof plan and when you get your free drink don't forget to thank me!  And also don't forget you are a creepo lowlife who should probably not go out to bars if you can't afford to drink at them.

- Did you all watch the third episode of my show "VHS Breakdown" yet?  If you didn't you should watch it now because i know you love that movie.  So here it is!!

- One last thing on the men leaving for "paternity" leave thing.  My friend Mark G. actually went on leave from his job when both his kids were born, and i remember a bunch of us ahole guys making fun of him like crazy.  "Whoo hoo, i guess you're going on MANternity!  Because you're a man but you're really a woman!"  And i said this because like i admitted before for the longest time i had a very immature outlook on things of this nature, and it was just easier to make fun of him for not being at his job when it's obvious it was his wife who did all of the work having the kid!  But now i look back and realize i was the one who was a f*cking idiot, and if this guy was smart enough to get out of work and be with his wife and family while they were first starting then i was a real bag of douche to ever make fun of him and now i feel bad so i'll say i'm sorry here even though he may never see this.   i'm not THAT sorry because i never really meant it meanly, it was just fun to make fun of him.  But that makes me part of the problem and no better then Boomer and Carton so that's the last time i'll ever do it, i promise!

But that only counts for making fun of him for paternity leave, i'll still make fun of him for being short and loving that terrible band "Phish" because he deserves to get made fun of for those things!!!

"OLD SCHOOL" Tips for Video Games:  i don't know who remembers the game "Mario Kart" but it's one of the greatest games ever and it more or less ended a few friendships in my life.  No joke, i'd play the 4 player version (back when i had 3 friends) and we would race every track, every cup, and we'd curse each other out and yell and scream and talk $hit and it'd get super heated and angry and it was just really the most fun time ever minus the punching and kicking.

But whatever this Wii U nonsense is they are releasing the newest version of this game, and even though i would never buy this new video game system i do wish i could play this game and i'd also like to have 3 close friends again because that was fun.  And since that last part doesn't look like it's happening you should check out this video of the new Kart game to see what i'm talking about because it looks fun and trippy as $hitballs!  In a good way!!

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - When applying for a new job, it's probably best if you don't use your regular email address.  Make up one that uses a combination of your first and last name, like mjose85@gmail, or something to that effect. Companies are much more likely to get back to you when you use that professional email address then if you used your normal one, RIDEZHERHARD69@YAHOO.COM

And that's it for me today kids!  i hope everyone has a fantastic weekend, and if anyone has any extra prayers to give out i could use some for my mother who has another surgery on Monday.  So wish her well and keep her in your thoughts because she could use them.

But thanks for reading, thanks for watching my show, and i'll see you guys back here on Tuesday with an all new blog!!

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

"I’m bored" is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say "I’m bored." - Louis C.K.


What is up kids?

Holy f'n $hitballs it's freaking April already??  What the F, why is time flying by so quickly?  Can someone please slow my life down for like a hot one already?  Or at the very least one hot minute?  i don't even have any time to try and catch my breath!
Although now that i think about it, maybe life isn't going by that quickly.  i mean it is only Tuesday, which means that it's definitely not Friday!  And that is a horrible fact indeed...
But it doesn't matter what day it is kids.  Time is relative and it doesn't mean anything!  Except for Thursdays at 4:20 of course, because that's when a new episode of VHS Breakdown comes on Blip.tv!  Speaking of new episodes, here is the movie that we will be breaking down this week, maybe you've heard of it...
And i'm excited for you all to see it!  i'll give you a little heads up on this episode that no one knows about, "Weird Science" was actually the the first episode we shot for Season Dos.  So if we both seem a little "rusty" on this one then i would blame it on that little truth nugget.  But i still think it's hilarious and it's easily our best looking episode of the season so it's got that going for us.  And Anthony Michael Hall is SO gddamn funny in this movie.  It's gonna be a good one!

And no, this isn't an April Fools prank.  That's really the movie we're going to review.  i don't play April Fool's jokes because it's just amateur hour for comedians, and i'd rather try to make you all look foolish on the other 364 days out of the year instead.  Although i will give props to the money Krissy G, who posted something about being pregnant today on Facebook and IMMEDIATELY was flooded with texts and calls and Facebook posts from people who couldn't believe it and wondered why she didn't tell everyone!  i'm guessing cause it's April 1st you fools!  Wow, that was kind of funny.  Maybe i should play a prank in my Random Nonsense today...


- Why don't we as a society talk more about toilet paper?  Besides air and water, toilet paper has to be the next natural element that is most vital to our survival, yet there is hardly a discussion about the very substance that is to be used on our oh so soft behinds.

Call me an old man, but i am past the point of being able to use poor toilet paper.  If i use anything 1 ply or less it rips my ass cheeks to shreds the way a zombie feasts on human flesh in a "Walking Dead" episode.  Except for the fact that rough toilet paper actually causes more blood.  And i'm not saying all of this to gross you all out, i just want to open the floor on a discussion to what the best toilet paper to use is.  My buns deserve nothing less then the finest of fabrics and yours should too!!
- Did you all see the "E.T" episode of my show "VHS Breakdown?" If you didn't see it yet you are BLOWING IT!  And in turn you should redeem yourself and go watch it here NOW:


"OLD SCHOOL" Tips for Video Games: Speaking of old school things, what if they combined Super Mario Brothers and He-Man and created a video game of that?  i'm guessing it would be the money!
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE Is it not a classy move when you are at Chilli's and get a margarita to just put a big straw in the jug it comes in instead of drinking it out of the margarita glass that everybody expects you to drink it out of?  What am i, the President?  Next thing you'll be telling me that i need to wear pants when i'm sitting inside the restaurant! 

But for real, why sip that stupid glass when i can get right to the source?  i'd like to get that goodness in me immediately please!  And don't judge me, i'm Mexican so if that's how i drink a margarita you don't get to tell me i'm wrong you honkeys!  Although if you are Hispanic and want to tell me what i'm doing is wrong please go ahead, i don't speak Spanish and i know that i'm an awful human being.  But only brown people are allowed to tell me that, not all those other crackers because that would be racist. 
"Facebook Etiquette"-

And that's it for me today kids! Oh wait, wasn't i supposed to make an April Fools joke by the end of the nonsense today?  i guess i forgot and didn't do it.  Oh wait, you were expecting one and i didn't give a joke to you?  April Fools!   Ugh, see how stupid this holiday is?  This is why i don't participate.  Hopefully you all enjoyed my regular jokes though cause that's all you're getting from me today! 

Alright enough of that.  Don't forget to watch me review "Weird Science" this Thursday at 4:20 on Blip,and i'll see you kids here on Friday with an all new blog!