Friday, July 18, 2014

Let's go away for a while, you and I, to a strange and distant land. Where they speak no word of truth, but we don't understand anyway. Holiday, far away, to stay on a holiday! Far away, let's go today in a heartbeat! - Weezer "Holiday"

THE BLOG WHERE i HEAD DOWN THE JERSEY SHORE

What is up kids?

i'll tell you what's up, it's another Friday in July and i'm going down the Jersey shore bitches!  Well maybe not this second, right now i'm probably at my new job counting the seconds until i get to leave.  Although for once it's only because i'm excited to go on vacation, not like at my old job where i NEEDED to leave that place before i drove a pair of scissors into my jugular.  What a difference a year and a new job makes!
But yeah, work has been the MONEY both literally and figuratively and it truly makes me happy to say that.  But despite all of that i still needs to GO!  My girlfriend and her fam are down the shore already, and as soon as i'm out of here i'm going to join the party.  The pants party.  At least my girlfriend told me i was invited to a pants party...
Which is also why i'm going to tell you all now that i'm taking next Tuesday off and will be back next Friday with an all new blog.  i plan on partying my FACE off this weekend and with work on Monday i don't want to try and half ass another blog which is what i've been doing on my rants lately.  Hopefully you haven't noticed but whatever, i'm not gonna lie about it.  Especially when some of the reason has to do with the fact that i'm super happy lately and i don't feel the need to go MAD over nonsense.  Because life is too short, i want to have fun!  YOLO!  And oh yeah, seriously kill me for saying YOLO ...
But i'm out bitches!  Enjoy the weekend and your week my friends!  But before you do enjoy this nonsense, it's good for your brain and it's good for YOU!!

RANDOM NONSENSE

- So i'm not gonna lie, this still might be my favorite episode we've ever done.  I mean yeah "E.T." was our best one, and "Karate Kid II" was a MASTERPIECE.  And "Teen Wolf" might be the best all around episode we've ever done.  And "Look Who's Talking" was definitely our cutest episode.  And "Rocky IV" DEFINITELY had the craziest smash we've ever done...

But i've ALWAYS loved the movie "Real Genius" and i really think we knocked it out of the park with this one.  i tried to do it so that if you didn't know the movie that you would still enjoy our episode, but for real if you don't know this movie you are BLOWING it and need to watch it ASAP!  It's classic Val Kilmer at his funniest will William Atherton as the bad guy!  What else could you possibly want!  And it's some of my best writing, and Rob's best editing!  Whatever, i don't care what you kids say.  i give this episode an A plus!


- Speaking of YouTube videos that are hilarious, i saw this on a Tosh.O re-run last night and damn i can't stop laughing.  Now that i think about it this can also be a "OLD SCHOOL" Tips for Video Games:a bit that i rarely do anymore. Either way, i hope you all enjoy this comedic video that is only 7 seconds long, "Drunk Mario!"
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - ATTENTION EVERY BAGEL PLACE I GO TO EVER!  When i order a bacon egg and cheese on an everything bagel with salt and pepper, DO NOT AUTOMATICALLY PUT F*CKING KETCHUP ON THAT $HIT!!!!  GDDAMN i am so sick of this happening every f'n time!  And i don't know what else to do, because every time i order one and the dumb girl goes "Salt, Pepper, Ketchup?" And i say "For the love of God and everything that's holy, just salt and pepper please! NO ketchup!"  For some reason they only seem to hear...

  "Wait, ALL you want is ketchup?  You're saying i should slather the entire thing with disgusting ketchup all over it so that's all you taste?  Because i mean you ordered a bacon egg and cheese so i thought you might want to taste those flavors.  But instead you said you want me to douche the entire bagel with red awfulness so that's all you taste since that flavor is SO overpowering.  But whatever sir, you requested a half gallon of ketchup on your sandwich so that is what you're going to get!"

And oh yeah, my favorite part of this whole ordeal is that i never realize what happened till i get home and i'm totally f*cked.  i hate you ketchup.  i love you Johnny Lats.
"Facebook Etiquette"-
Fast Food Tips - So while i'm not a big chip person i am a fan of contests.  Which is why i'm proud to show all of you the "Flavor Finalists" in picking the next new flavor of Lays potato chips!  i give you Cappuccino, Kettle Cooked Wasabi Ginger, Cheddar Bacon Mac and Cheese and Wavy Mango Salsa!  Wait, why is Mango Salsa Wavy?  That sounds racist for some reason..
Now at first glance you are probably thinking it's going to be Cheddar Bacon Mac & Cheese, no contest.  But i think it won't win for that exact reason. People are going to expect it to taste as good as cheddar bacon mac and cheese and that's just impossible!  So i'm going to go with Cappuccino and finally be wrong.  But lucky for me, just for buying and eating each bag all by myself to give it the ultimate test i will be a winner either way!

Fast Food Tips - Since it's Friday and i love you kids so much here's another great chip invention that you need to know of immediately. Unfortunately Canada is the only country cool enough to sell these right now but i present to you Doritos Roulette, a bag of Doritos where 75% of the bag are just regular Doritos but 25% of the chips are SUPER HOT!!!  i think this is a great idea, except i'd rather buy a bag that had 100% super hot Doritos.  Nonetheless, i know what pansies white people are about spicy stuff so i think it'd be hilarious to watch a bunch of dumb drunk people play this game and watch someone get done up.  Probably because i'm a sick f*ck.  But you are too so good for us!
One last thing on chips, and it has to do with Doritos!  If you read my comment section on my blog and as long as they are not comments by Johnny Lats you should, you probably missed Jay John's amazing edition with this little gem:  "My new move at 7-11 these days is to buy cool ranch Doritos and load free chili and cheese into the bag. It's the right move." - Jay John

Well played Boy Dayrit, well played.

That's it for me kids!  And speaking of good moves i'm about to go on vacation!  And i hope everyone has a great weekend, just not as great as weekend as i have planned because for once i'm going to be selfish and hog all of the fun.  And by hog all of the fun i mean eat a bacon egg and cheese on a bagel WITHOUT ketchup!

But fine, i won't hog all of the fun to myself. So i hope you all have an awesome of a weekend as i have planned and i will see you kids next Friday with an all new blog!

Cya Next Friday!  @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Hold tight, wait till the party's over. Hold tight, we're in for nasty weather. There has got to be a way, Burning down the house. - Talking Heads "Burning Down the House"

THE BLOG ABOUT IT GETTING HOT IN HERRE

What is up kids?

So today is already a DISASTER, which sucks because as of now it's only 9 am.  It's such a bad day that i was definitely debating not putting out a new blog today, but i figured i would at least half ass one for you guys since i love you so much.  One because my ass is so big that even half of it is enough for a full blog.  And two because i got some pretty loyal readers, and even when i'm 15 or so minutes late putting my blog up i hear about it immediately.  Yes i'm talking about you Johnny Lats!!  i have a job now, you need to cut me some slack on my posting time!  And oh yeah, congrats to you on Germany winning the World Cup!  It's nice to see Germans finally dominate the World like you always hoped they would.
Although to be honest, i will always think that the World Cup is bull$hit unless Mexico wins it.  i mean it's Mexico for crying out loud!  All they do is play soccer!  That and eat rice and beans.  But seriously, how did we lose to an f'n team like the Netherlands?  They are as white as can be!  Something is wrong with this world!
And i know what you're thinking.  "Of course you were rooting for Mexico you dirty Mexican!  Maybe if you spent more time playing soccer instead of mowing lawns and washing dishes and hanging outside of Home Depot you would have won the game!"  First of all, F you you racist f*ck!  Secondly, i didn't think Mexico was going to win just because i'm Mexican.  It's also because they had the best goalie in the world.  i mean for real, i still can't figure out how anyone got any goals by him!
But Mexico not winning the World Cup isn't the reason today sucks so bad.  The reason today is HORRIFIC is because my air conditioner broke last night and i literally want to cry.  It's now doing some thing where it turns on for like a minute and then shuts off by itself, and it keeps doing that for awhile until it just shuts off completely.  And if there is ANYTHING that you should have learned about me by now reading this blog it's that i truly believe air conditioning is the greatest invention ever, and add to the fact that a "slightly" overweight large man who sweats profusely whenever it's the least bit humid out i cannot live with AC.  So even though i was exhausted after working late last night i ended up having to sleep naked with some awful fan blowing on me (What was his name?), lying in a puddle of what i can only describe as "Taco Sweat."  i was sweating more then a guy on Molly wearing a parka at the Equator!
So yeah i'm in a pretty awful and irritable mood today which is why i'm gonna cut this rant short right now.  i need to figure out what i'm going to do about this because i definitely can't afford a new AC at the moment and this fan bull$hit is NOT going to work!  So enjoy the ha ha's that i give you today, and if any one's got any ideas on how to cool down please let me know!

RANDOM NONSENSE

- If you don't know what FXX is then you obviously don't watch as much quality television as you should.  And by "quality" i mean that channel has the new seasons of "It's Always Sunny" and that's about it i think.

But they are getting "The Simpsons" next month and to celebrate the show coming to their channel they are going to have a marathon where they show EVERY SIMPSONS EPISODE EVER!!  Starting on August 21st they will have a 12 day, 522 episode marathon where they will show every Simpsons episode starting from the beginning.  And to answer your next two questions yes i have already asked to take those 12 days off from work, and yes i've ordered adult diapers that i can wear so i never even have to leave my bed.  Best summer ever!!!
- Speaking of animation, has everyone been enjoying the new "Angry Birds" game that has just come out?  So far i can't even get past level one...
That was a joke posted by my good pal Bill H who had a birthday yesterday so i'd like to say  Happy birthday buddy!  And thank you for letting me steal your humor for my blog!  Especially because i always just do it and never ask!

And happy birthday to my younger brother Tomas, who is just about as awesome of a person on this planet that there is.  He's super nice, he's got a great sense of humor, an incredible work ethic, and has as amazing wife and child that i also love dearly.  And good for Tomas, because he deserves it more then anyone i know.  And i love him so much and even though he's my younger brother i am totally the one looking up to him my entire life.  So i hope it was a good one hermano!  We will celebrate next time i see you!
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - Is there anything better then walking into the bathroom at work in the morning and all of the lights turning on when you walk in?  Some of you have zero clue what i'm talking about, but others are saying "Yes i know!!  That's the best feeling ever!"  Well it's the latter people i'm talking to, because they understand the fantastic feeling of walking into the bathroom and realizing you're the first person to be in there.  Because normally using the bathroom at work is the bad combo of interacting with people you are trying to avoid all day, combined with them either having their junk in their hand or their pants around their ankles as they leave a Katrina like disaster in the stall next to you.  And i won't even include the horrificness of the smells you have to endure after your lovely co-worker makes a pitstop after eating that horrible smelling lunch that stunk up the entire office and leaves a smell that is a cross between raw fish and curry covered in bad cheese.

But none of that matters when you walk into the bathroom and the lights go on, because not only does that mean you have the bathroom to yourself but you also get the pleasure of not sitting on a seat that is still warm from the disgusting butt cheeks that were only on it only a few seconds ago.  This may sound like a simple joy, but it's the simple pleasures in life that make me happy.  You may say i'm a dreamer, but i'm not the only guy...

"MOMbook posters"-
C'mon mom's, really?  That's all you got for me?  i get it, you're a mom.  Either do something besides tell me about your kid or get off of Facebook and get on Mombook.  Unless you're my brothers wife Heather and you're posting pictures of my nephew/Godson, he's the cutest ever and i can't get enough!!!
Fast Food Tips - So this is an old one but still a tip worth repeating.  Which is also how i hope my girlfriend feels about my penis.  Anyways, after the release of Dunkin Donuts mouth watering and crotch wettening "donut" bacon and egg breakfast sandwich, fast food places everywhere are trying to come up with the next big life threatening food item.  That's why it's no surprise that some restaurant called "Chicken Charlie's" has invented the Krispy Kreme Sloppy Joe sandwich!


This monstrosity puts savory sloppy joe drenched in tomato sauce and cheese on a ridiculously addicting Krispy Kreme donut, the perfect way to eat an unhealthy breakfast/lunch that will be sure to keep your cheeks on the bowl for hours making your own personal sloppy joes.  And it also makes you the exact person that i hope i don't sit next to me in the stall at work at lunchtime.  Either way eating this pile of delicious nonsense sounds like a plan to me!!

Fast Food FACTSNow before you read that last fast food tip and start a downward eating spiral into fast food shame that will only be stopped by diabetes and obesity, here is a chart to let you know just how much wood pulp is being put into your fast food.  And yes you heard me right, f'n wood pulp in your food!  Maybe it's time to hit up Trader Joes or Whole Foods instead...

And that's it for me today kids!  Hopefully they're aren't too many spelling and/or grammar mistakes or at least more then usual.  Because like i said i'm writing this in my room right now and there is NO GDDAMN AIR CONDITIONING!!!  But i suffered through this because i love you all, so show me your appreciation by sharing this blog with your friends and/or enemies or maybe even dropping some love in the comments section here and/or on Facebook.  Or don't and it won't matter because it's too hot for me to check and/or get angry anyway.

But i hope you are all having a better day then me, keep cool and i will talk to you kids Friday with an all new blog!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter









Friday, July 11, 2014

Here it is, the groove slightly transformed. Just a bit of a break from the norm. Just a little somethin' to break the monotony of all that hardcore dance that has gotten to be a little bit out of control, it's cool to dance. But what about the groove that soothes that moves romance? - Will Smith - "Summertime"

THE BLOG ABOUT ENJOYING A BEAUTIFUL GDDAMN SUMMER WEEKEND!!!

What is up kids?

i'll tell you what's up, it's a motherf*cking beautiful summer Friday in July and it's time to start the weekend!  What else could you possibly want in your life?  For real, all year people talk nonstop about how they CAN'T WAIT UNTIL THE SUMMER!!!  And now it's here!  And the weather is beautiful!  And we're about to start the weekend!  All of you should be so happy and excited for this weekend right now that you're about to pop in your pants!! The crotch part of your pants should literally be covered in pop right now!!!
Personally though, i'm not the biggest fan of Summer.  Mostly because i'm a large man who sweats when it's not humid out, let alone when it's more humid outside then a Turkish bath house in Miami.  That's the problem for most of us large people, we're sweaty disgusting disasters in the summer and if it wasn't for air conditioning i probably would have died a long time ago.
But to the rest of you summer lovers i hope you are enjoying every second of this.  And i really mean it too, because a lot of people spend all year waiting and hoping for this fantastic summer weather and then it gets here and you don't do anything and instead just complain when it's over.  Go to a happy hour tonight!  Go to the beach tomorrow!  Plan a picnic!  Go to a ball game!  Do all the things that you dream about all year during those miserable cold months and enjoy your life to the fullest this weekend!  Stop putting things off for tomorrow or next week, especially when you know the summer will be over before you know it!
And yeah maybe i'm telling you all to do this and i'm writing about this today because i'm hungover and didn't know what else to write about anyway.  But the truth is i don't think people allow themselves to be as happy as they should be.  Everyone gets so caught up with their jobs and bills and personal drama that sometimes they forget that this life we get is a gift and one that we should be happy and thankful for.  Even when things seem completely horrible, never forget that at least you're alive to know those feelings and that one day these bad times will pass.  Sure it doesn't feel like it now, but the problems you had a year ago or two years ago are not the same problems you have today.  So no matter what you're going through now trust me, it will eventually get better.  i mean look at me!  Just a month ago i was an unemployed lazy Mexican with no jobs.  And now i'm a FULLY employed lazy Mexcian with a full time job!   Who would have thunk it??

Well the truth is i would have thunk it, because i believe in the power of a positive mind.  That's why all of the people i hang out with are good, fun positive people.  Is there anything worse then hanging out with that one friend who is ALWAYS complaining and always miserable about something?  Or being around people that don't get joy out of your happiness, and instead choose to point fingers and judge everyone and talk about how horrible everything is and never let themselves have any fun?  For real, don't be those people!  Be someone who enjoys being alive, who realizes we only have a limited amount of time on this beautiful blue green rock that's floating around the sun and enjoy this life as much as you can!  And if you haven't been doing that lately then there is no better time then right now to start doing so.  Because like i said to start this blog,  it's a motherf*cking beautiful summer Friday in July and it's time to start the weekend!

RANDOM NONSENSE

- Speaking of being too big to enjoy the summer weather, did any of you know that i used to play baseball?  And did any of you know that i was on the cover of this month's ESPN's magazine? They asked me to be on it because even though i'm a large man they know that i'm completely comfortable with my body and also because i can hit a mean long ball with my thick bat.  And also because i'm pretty good at baseball!  But yeah just in case you missed it here i am in all of my glory!
- Can someone please tell me why this is the least watched episode we've ever done of "VHS Breakdown?"  i mean it's "Better Off Dead" for crying out loud!!!  Do you people really not remember this movie?  And by "you people" i mean uncultured aholes, or at least baby girls under 30 years old.

But for real, it has the moneyest opening we've ever done, all of the jokes are about teen suicide in 80's comedies, and it even has a Molotov cocktail for crying out loud!   What more do you people want??  i mean yeah i'm not at my funniest by any means and it definitely wasn't my best performance and/or writing.  But other then that this episode is funny!  i think so anyway...

- Well i don't like to talk politics on Friday especially during the summer.  But this quote kind of nails it...

"Facebook Etiquette"-

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - So do you guys think it is f'd up how funny i think it is to scare my dog with the vacuum cleaner?  Man do i get a kick out of that!  He's a pretty big dog too, you would think he'd get mad or something.  But instead he turns into an immediate pansy whenever he sees the vacuum come out.  i don't even have to turn it on!  Once he sees that "scary" machine he takes off up the stairs IMMEDIATELY.  And i have to admit, sometimes i take the vacuum out just to scare him because i can. Does that make me some kind of ahole?  Well i don't care, it's not my dog it's my roommate's.  Does that make me any less of a douche bag?  No?  Oh well.  i'm not going to change my behavior, i was just wondering.
"It's nice to hear about you vacuuming!  That's what dirty Mexicans like you should be doing!  Although to be honest, i'd much rather have you mow my lawn, this way you wouldn't have to come inside my house.  We kind of have a rule about having your kind in here!"  Wow.  i'd probably be offended at your racism if Hispanics weren't taking over this country.  Keep making those immigration laws more lax my friends!  We were already coming over in droves when we weren't allowed in this country anyway.  This just makes it all the easier to conquer you.  Viva Los Estados Unidos!

You don't like it?? You can get out!!

Fast Food Tips - It's 7/11's birthday, and to celebrate they are giving away free small Slurpees today from.... wait for it... 7 to 11!  Which totally makes sense, but does anyone else find it funny that any 7/11 that is NOT open for 24 hours is a ghetto one?  i mean every 7/11 should be open 24 hours.  That's the whole point of the store, is to head in there late night when you're bombed and everything else is closed and then to make bad decisions like buying their disgusting hot dogs and frozen White Castle burgers that you heat up and eat and throw up when you get home.  Which makes any 7/11 that is only open from 7 to 11 a useless one, because if it's 11 o'clock and there are other things open you might as well go there!

But yeah free Slurpees today so enjoy!
And that's it for me today kids!  Although speaking of birthdays it is one of my special readers birthdays today and that's Stefanie who used to read my blog all the time but i don't know if she does anymore.  But even if she doesn't she was a huge fan in the beginning when i felt no one else was reading it so for that i want to thank her and say happy birthday!! :)

And even if it's not your birthday today it's still a summer Friday in July so you might as well act like it is.  Drink your face off, forget your diet and eat whatever you want, go to Colorado where weed is legal and smoke your gddamn balleens off until you're on another planet, and even if it's not your birthday you should party so hard that you wake up in some unknown place in your birthday suit.  You only live once kids, so go out and do it up this weekend and i'll see you on Tuesday with an all new blog!

And oh yeah, to anyone that was thinking "YOLO" when i said you only live once you are an immature silly basterd!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter


Monday, July 7, 2014

Most people seem to have been indoctrinated to believe that bull$hit only comes from certain places, certain sources: advertising, politics, salesmen – not true. Bull$hit is everywhere. Bull$hit is rampant. Parents are full of $hit, teachers are full of $hit, clergymen are full of $hit, and law enforcement people are full...of...$hit. - George Carlin "You Are All Diseased"


This entire country is completely full of $hit, and always has been. From the Declaration of Independence to the Constitution to the Star-Spangled Banner, it's still nothing more than one big steaming pile of red, white and blue, all-American bull$hit. Because, think of how we started. Think of that. This country was founded by a group of slave-owners who told us all men are created equal. Oh yeah, all men, except for Indians and n*ggers and women, right? - George Carlin

THE BLOG ABOUT WHY i'M NOT A DEMOCRAT OR EVEN A LIBERAL

What is up kids?

How was everyone's 4th of July weekend?  i hope it was good as mine, because mine was the MONEY!  Spending July 4th in Cape Cod with my family and the love of my life? Doesn't get much better then that!  It was literally almost the perfect weekend!  Minus me being a drunken ahole Saturday night and being super hungover for my drive home Sunday and for the SEVEN HOURS it took to drive back home because I-95 is the worst gddamn highway on the planet!!! If that road was an actual person i would slit it's parents throats in front of him before sexually violating his kids with a New York Subway toilet plunger and then using his face and throat as a toilet after a late night binge of whiskey and spicy Indian food and White Castle.
"OMG miguel how can you talk that way?? Violating kids and using someone's face as a toilet?  That's disgusting and wrong, you are a terrible human being!"  Um, you do realize i was making hypothetical jokes about doing this to a highway that i am pretending was a human for this bit right?  Are you really getting offended by these thoughts about an imaginary street made of gravel and cement and pot holes and what i would do to it?  Because if you are maybe you should take a look at yourself in the mirror and figure out what you are doing so wrong in your life.
But yeah other then the hell that is I-95 and the worst state in our country Connecticut i had one of the best weekends ever, despite the fact that it was over before i even blinked!  But overall i'm in a super fantastic mood, even though before we get to the nonsense i just want to clear up one thing about my Hobby Lobby rant that i did last week.  Especially because they just opened a new store in New Jersey for all of the people who hate women to shop in!  Because i'll tell you now i'm not going to take anything back that i said.  If you are a woman and you shop and/or work at Hobby Lobby and are fine with Corporations and the Government telling you what you are allowed to do with your body well then i feel bad for you.  Because you should take a look at yourself in the mirror and figure out what you are doing so wrong in your life.
But ANYWAYS the thing i wanted to clear up is that while i told every woman, minority, and middle class and/or poor person that they'd be CRAZY to ever vote for a Republican when they openly make laws to hurt and take away all of your rights i by no means want you to think that i'm a Democrat.  Or a Liberal.  Or ANYTHING that i would let you label me!  Are you kidding?  Why would i play such a stupid game as trying to join some sort of political "team" instead of just standing up for what i believe in and doing what i want. That's one of the things that is so wrong with this country, everyone just wants to link up to a group like it's a gang and battle other gangs like this is "The Warriors."
But don't you fret my faithful readers.  While i'm smart enough to realize what maniacs and uncaring aholes Republicans are there's no way i would ever blindly vote for a Democrat or even call myself one.  i won't join your silly reindeer games, i'm just going to watch and point and laugh and sometimes cry.  And while i will participate by voting and paying intention to your insanity, but don't ever for one second think i'll play by your rules.  Because when it comes to teams i'm on the corner of my friends and family and my love first no matter what label they use.  Unless of course you are a big fan of the NRA and the Tea Party, because if you truly believe in those groups then you should take a look at yourself in the mirror and figure out what you are doing so wrong in your life.  Enjoy the nonsense!

RANDOM NONSENSE


- In the greatest news ever category, apparently there is going to be a new George Carlin album coming out comprised of all previous unreleased material.  So just like Biggie Smalls, Carlin is going to be "Born Again" and i couldn't be happier!  i don't know if it's newer stuff or older stuff, but when it comes to new Carlin could you possibly care less?  All i want is more teachings from the master!
- So it feels funny that it's Summer and there are no new episodes of "VHS Breakdown" out right now. But that doesn't mean you can't enjoy this blast from the past, our director and WWE Network Producer Rob Miceli proudly states this is his FAVORITE episode and movie ever.  So why not do him a favor and relive the masterpiece that is "Just One of the Guys!"

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE- Does anyone else ever watch a movie or T.V. show and see a courtroom scene and always think the same thing as me, and that is "Holy $hitballs i would be the worst guy EVER on the witness stand in a courtroom!"  For real, i can't remember people's names that i just met two seconds ago!  Now i'm supposed to remember what i did some random Saturday night 6 months ago when i was totally $hitfaced?  i mean hopefully i'm never in this situation, although i am a minority so the chances of me being in a courtroom in my life are between definitely and 100 percent.

But anyways, i for real have the WORST memory, i would seem like the biggest liar ever!  "Um Mr. Jose, can you tell me where you were the night of the crime?"  Um.... no?  "Well then, can you tell us where you were last evening?" Um.... no?  My house probably?  Or maybe at my parents, i don't know.  What day is this?  i don't know where i am!!!   "Mr Jose, can you PLEASE tell us what you had for lunch today?  And remember, YOU ARE UNDER OATH!" Um...food?  NO! i'm lying!  i only had beers!!  Or maybe i blazed too, i don't remember!  i'm not on trial, this whole system is on trial!!  i can't handle the truth!!!  "As you can see this witness is clearly a liar.  I rest my case your honor.  Oh wait, and he's a dirty spic!"  Cased Closed.
Fast Food Tips - Nobody goes to TGIFridays anymore, but in a blatant attempt to win people back they are now offering "Endless Apps" for 10 beans.  Which basically means you can order an app and get all you can eat of that one app for $10.  Which for a fat F like me sounds like a great deal, and i for one won't mind getting a chance to punish that franchise for being aholes.

Do you all remember that story about the Fridays in NJ?  Remember when they did that report about how all these TGIFridays were selling lower end liquor in high end bottles and screwing over most of the franchises in New Jersey?!  Way to go dicks!  i'm going to spend $10 and eat you out of house and home, and then like Jon Taffer says you are going to SHUT IT DOWN!!!
- So i used to be the biggest "Opie and Anthony" fan back in the day.  i f'n thought their W.O.W campaign was genius and hilarious and i thought they were WAY funnier then Howard Stern.  Maybe not early Stern, but Howard in his last years on terrestrial radio?  Ugh, all he did was bitch and complain about EVERYTHING like this annoying Mexican/Dominican guy i know who writes a blog.

Anyways, if you haven't heard the news Anthony Cumia has been fired from their Sirius show, mostly for a racist tirade that he had on twitter against a black girl and her black friends.  And even though she started it and hit him i for one am glad he was fired.  Not so much because i believe he should be fired for his tweets, but moreso because he is a racist basterd and he's also a right wing gun nut lunatic and i've had enough of his bull$hit.  And i'm not even saying it's right if he's fired, i'm just saying i'm glad it happened because i don't care.  And i would also never pay for satellite radio, and i could care less if he's gone since i don't listen to them now anyways.  But to Anthony Cumia, regardless of whether you deserve it or not for your racist tweets, it is still sure nice to drop a....
     LATER DICK!
 iAnd that's it for me today kids!  Once again i have started a new job so if there are more spelling and gramatical errors then usual it's because i gots a tad less time to make these as perfect as i want.  Lucky for you they are still f*cking HILARIOUS and informative and it's free to read this comedy as well!  So you don't have to thank me, but i will say "You're welcome!"

But i hope you have a great week, share this with your friends if you remember the face of your father and i'll see you kids on Friday!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, and Nationalism, etc. does nothing but teach you how to hate people you've never met. - Doug Stanhope

THE BLOG ABOUT THE HOLLY LOBBY CASE AND HOW YOU SHOULD FEEL ABOUT IT

What is up kids?

Well i'll tell you what's up, although to be honest you might not like it.  Because for real, i hate writing about a serious topic like this when i'm only doing one blog for the week.  And it's even worse to write about such an infuriating topic the week of July 4th, and right before i spend the weekend with my love and my family in Cape Cod for our annual vacation!  Good God i can't F'N WAIT!!!!
Although speaking of God, if you haven't heard about this Holly Lobby case and if you're a woman it's a shame if you haven't, basically the Supreme Court decided in a 5-4 vote that a corporation has the right to deny birth control coverage to women if they feel it is against their religious rights and freedoms.  Which is funny, because no one is saying that the people who own the corporation can't believe in anything they want.  All normal sane human beings are saying is that their bosses should not be the ones to decide whether or not their employees have access to birth control.  Who could possibly argue against that?  Oh yeah, conservative Republicans.

i mean for real, i do not understand how any woman would ever be or vote for a Republican, especially when that party treats you like lesser citizens, lesser Americans, and lesser human beings.  And for that matter i don't understand how any minority would ever be or vote for a Republican, or how any poor or middle class person would vote Republican either.  i mean yes i get that Obama is black and some of you are racist.  But the Republican party doesn't even pretend to care about minorities, gays, women, or the middle class.  i mean yeah i guess maybe they pretend a little, but is it really enough for all of you to fall for it?
i guess so.  And apparently there are some people who hear the phrase "Protection of our Religious Liberty" and actually believe that nonsense.  And even more unfortunately 5 of those idiots are on the Supreme Court believe in that as well.  Because i'm sorry, if you are a company and one of your employees wants to get birth control that should be none of your business.  And wait, i'm not sorry. . F*ck you you pieces of $hit!  You already make millions of dollars off of the hard work of people making nothing.  Now you get to decide their health care too?  What pathetic pretentious pu$$ies you are, especially the way you hide behind the word of God yet all of your actions prove you know nothing of his work.

And yes, i know some of you are bored to tears right now.  But i'm not gonna stop ranting on this so get used to it!
But whatever, i guess i will stop ranting on it because that's all i'm going to write about right now.  What is there more to say?  There are 5 dumb a$$holes on the Supreme Court and any decent man or woman that works at Holly Lobby should think about getting another job.  So f*ck anyone on the Supreme Court who voted for Holly Lobby, f*ck Anthony Scalia just because he's the biggest piece of $hit out of any of them, and anyone who agrees that an employer should have the right to tell a woman how she should treat her body really needs to take a good look at themselves and realize that in this game called life you are really f*cking blowing it with some of your dumb ass opinions and you need to grow up.  Case Closed.

RANDOM NONSENSE

- Wow, that was pretty deep for my fun "4th of July i'm about to go on the best vacation ever only blog of the week" blog so for that i apologize.  Actually wait, no i don't.  It's my blog and i do what i want!

But to honor America, to honor the country that i love, and to honor my faithful readers here are a few images of our amazing Red White and Blue colors that will NEVER run!        U S A!  U S A!
"Hey you sexist a$$hole!  Did you really just write a pretentious rant about supporting women and then go ahead and objectify them by posting almost nudie pics and blasphemous images of our Old Glory??"  Why yes, yes i did.  And i did that because Kate Upton is a true American that chose to take these pictures because she has the freedom to do so, just like she should have the freedom to use birth control if she wishes and not have it be decided on by her employer. 

So i not only support that decision, but i support any decision a true patriot like Kate Upton decides to make in the land of the free.  God Bless America!!!!
- So forget "Blurred Lines" or even "Call Me Maybe," my good friend Madi Di's single "Inside His Eyes" is the summer song you've been waiting for!  Please check out her new video made possible by Kickstarter, and also by her amazing talent and all of her hard work.  Maria is the MONEY and even though she doesn't need it i wish her all the luck and success in the world!

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE UNO- Speaking of summer songs, Robin Thicke's song "Blurred Lines" was apparently the song of the summer last year.  And i will admit it's kind of a catchy tune, even if the lyrics are a little "rapey."  Although personally i have no problem taking a young innocent girl and singing "i know you want it..." to her.  But as catchy as this song is, it's nothing compared to the "Growing Pains" theme song written by his father, Alan Thicke.  It's crazy but that song's lyrics still hold up today, and it's hard to listen to them without getting a little tear in my eye and a slight cramp in my balls.  Although that last part has more to do with me thinking of Leo DiCaprio's role on that show. Remember that S?  Because i sure do!  And just like the song says, when it comes to my readers and to Leonardo DiCaprio we've got each other, sharing the laughter and love...
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE DOS - Does anyone remember that cars used to have bumpers on the front and back of them?  i don't mean the plastic garbage that we have now, these bumpers that crack in half as soon as you gently tap another car in the parking lot yesterday.  i'm talking about big rubber bumpers on the front and back that protected you in case you got into a little fender bender.  Whatever happened to them?  i'm guessing car companies got rid of them because they were safer and because people used to be able to bump into each other and not have to call the cops and go through insurance and spend hundreds of dollars at the auto shop every gddamn time...

But no, instead now we have zero bumpers.  And if you hit someone you always crack the plastic and then you're totally f'd and have to spend a ton of money to fix it.  So thanks for getting rid of those safe rubber bumpers car companies!  And thanks for making it more dangerous and costly to drive.  Especially you General Motors!
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE TRES - You know who i never felt bad for?  The Doozers in Fraggle Rock. What the F were they figuring? You're making an entire city out of delicious sugar sticks?  No wonder the Fraggles would destroy your entire infrastructure everytime you were building something! Although now i'm wondering maybe that was the Doozers' plan.  "Enjoy the sugar now you ahole Fraggles, i hope you get diabetes!  It'll be a lot harder to chase us once you lose your foot you Muppet Show rejects!" Well played Doozers.  Well played.

And i should probably do an "Oldschool Nonsense CUATRO" in honor of July 4th but i'm tired and ready for bed and like i keep saying this is my blog and i do what i WANT!!

But i hope everyone has a great holiday weekend, i hope everyone eats special brats and hot dogs and burgers and blows up fire works until they are a puking and deucing disaster like all real Americans should be and i will see you all here next Tuesday after July 4th.  Happy birthday America!