Tuesday, July 29, 2014

When you have insomnia you're never really asleep, and you're never really awake. - Ed Norton "Fight Club"


What is up kids?

i'll tell you what's up, i'm MAAAAAD tired today.  This working stuff is crazy, being unemployed was way easier!  i think i just might be too old to work anymore, i should probably retire.  i just need someone to pay all of my bills and buy me and my girl everything we want to do and/or have.  Any takers?  i'm down for anything.  ANYTHING...

Except don't call me a hooker!  i'm a gold digger, and there's a difference!
Anyways, i'm mad beat as i write this but i'll be even more tired tomorrow.  Because the real reason i'm always tired lately is because i'm having so much trouble sleeping at night.  Is there anything worse then that?  Insomnia is RIDICULOUS.  The feeling of being SO f'n tired but not being able to go to sleep is maddening.  Like for real, what the F is up with you, brain?  Just tell my body what to do!  You KNOW that i'm exhausted, just turn off already so i can sleep and recharge for my next day of work!  Why am i daydreaming about sleep when i'm exhausted i and can be normal asleep dreaming about sleep!  And how awesome was that last sentence?  And how am i supposed to get through the day???  Oh, i know, i'll get those glasses that make me look like i'm awake when i'm really asleep.  That's the MONEY idea!!!
Or not, i don't know.  Maybe there's too much going on in the world right now to get any sleep.  i mean look what's happening over in Russia, and in the Middle East!  There's so much turmoil, we could be at the threat of war at any minute!  Maybe that's why i can't get any sleep these days.  Well it's either that or it's the fact that i've done ZERO homework for any of my fantasy football leagues this season.  ZERO.  i'm doomeD!  But yeah it's either World war or football, one of those.
But yeah whatever it is i need to get this no sleeping stuff over with now and get to the nonsense because i'm for real about to pass out.  And not the fake passing out i pretended to do when i came up with today's title, i mean i need to be up in 4 hours so it is definitely my bedtime!  But despite all of these hardships i face i still somehow manage to provide you, the reader with free and hilarious comedy each and ever week.  And for THAT, i am a true hero!  Or maybe i'm just dreaming...


- Before i start the nonsense, is there anything that anyone would like to see me do more of on this blog?  Besides be funny i mean.  Because i know i have a decent amount of readers, but most of you cats never tell me what you like or dislike so i just kind of assume you like everything.

Although one person who asked for something was our old pal Johnny Lats, and he specifically asked for more Kate Upton.  So here ya go buddy, ask and you shall receive!
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - i love the idea that people believe the water cup used during beer pong does a thorough enough job of cleaning the balls. "HAHA cleaning the balls!"  Yeah yeah, we get it.  Grow up!  Although for once yes, that is what she said.

But it's funny that a disgusting, never-changed water cup is thought of as the perfect way to clean off dirt and mud and vomit and probably worse.  And i feel like i should say something, but it seems as though everyone playing beer pong is okay with this so whatever, i'm down too.  Gotta love peer pressure!

- That was my old bit, and apparently somebody out there reads this blog because they've now invented "Beer Pong Wet Wipes" which you can get at WipeYourBalls.com  And no i'm not making this up!  Everyone needs to grow up.  For reals.

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - So i saw the coolest thing EVER last week and for some reason i keep forgetting to tell you all about it.  Until now!  No joke, this thing is the GREATEST GAME EVER!  And if someone (*cough JEWELL *cough*) wants to spearhead a campaign and take up a collection from all of the readers of this blog in order to buy this game for me as a token of appreciation for all of the free comedy i give to you, well let me just say that would be the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me and i thank you in advance.  "But what's the game miguel jose???" i know that's what you're asking, and i'm going to tell you.  Actually, i'll show it to you first...

It's a beer pong Arcade game!  Obviously they don't fill the cups up with beer, you'll have to have your own beer in hand to drink while you play.  But they set up a line you have to stand behind, and as you hit the cups it turns off the light inside so you know that cup is done and they also show it on the screen above for you as well.  And it has an automatic ball return so you never have to do anything!   Can someone just buy this for me so i could just play it forever and drink nonstop Natty lights until i throw up on the arcade game and ruin it and then kill myself please?!?!  You'd be my most best friend ever!!!

So yeah like i've said A MILLION TIMES i'm super duper tired.  But that doesn't mean i'm too tired for a new bit!  This one's called, "C'mon, Jewell!" which are just things that i think are funny that remind me of my boy Jewell.  Hopefully you find it funny too!  And if you don't, you need to get smarter at life.

But anyways, here's the first installment of:

C'mon, JEWELL!!
Fast Food Tips -  If the only thing you're missing out on this summer is an explosive case of fast food diarrhea then you're in luck!  Sonic has just released it's "Cheesy Bacon Pretzel Hot Dog" and it's fantastic if you love Hershey's! No, not kisses, Hershey squirts!  In your pants!  Their website describes it as "a real beef hot dog made with 100% pure beef and topped with delicious bacon and melty cheddar cheese served in a soft, warm pretzel bun."  i describe it as a a tasty treat that you will regret for 2 to 3 days after as you drop a soft, warm present into your toilet bowl out of your own personal pretzel buns.  You're welcome for that image!
Great Ceasar's ghost was that a tough blog to write!  i can't believe i finished it, and i can't believe how hilarious it is!   But what i can believe is that it's bedtime, so to you i will bid good night!  Or at least cya later, because most of you are reading this during the day, probably on the toilet.  And if you're on the toilet after eating a Sonic cheesy bacon pretzel hot dog well then you might as well go and read the past few blogs you missed because it's going to be awhile.

But it's not going to be awhile until my next blog, because that'll be on Friday.  So have a great rest of the week and i'll see you then my friends!

Friday, July 25, 2014

In fact, its why all our ancestors originally came to this country and were themselves originally unwelcome. Because that's the story of America. From Ben Franklin's worry that Germans were ruining Pennsylvania, to our 19th century 60 year ban on the Chinese Immigrants who had just finished building our rail system, to our very "real and justifiable" concerns about the Irish, and their insatiable applying for jobs. We have always been a nation of immigrants who hate the newer immigrants. - Jon Stewart


What is up kids?

Speaking of kids, do all of the people SCREAMING to send back all of the "illegal" immigrants that are coming to this country realize that these are CHILDREN that we are talking about?  Children that are fleeing all of the violence and brutal atrocities that are happening in their home countries?  These aren't adults that are sneaking into America to steal all of your jobs and use all of our resources that YOUR tax dollars pay for, although if you read up on any actual facts you would know that's not the case either.

But these are f*cking KIDS you maniacs!  Poor, scared, innocent kids who don't even know what's happening to them.  There isn't a part of you that forgets about being a Republican or Democrat for two seconds and puts politics aside to realize that these are children that are being sent here?  And forget the fact that they are being sent here to America and that you are an "American."  It doesn't matter that it's people from another country trying to find safety in OUR country, these are little kids!  And they are HUMANS!  Forget being American, don't we have the obligation as a race of humans to look out for the most vulnerable and innocent creatures out of all of us?

No, of course not.  This is OUR land and this is OUR country and if you don't like it you can get out!  These are the same people that BEG you to adopt your pets from a shelter and not buy them from a store becasue puppies and kittens are so innocent, we need to everything we can to save them!  But whatever you do don't send any actual human babies to America or we will kick them out immediately!  Get off of our land, go back to your country!  What do you think you are, a puppy?
i wish it didn't make me so sick and make me feel so angry thinking about some of these uneducated, uninformed a$$holes who spread so much hate and human indecency but i gotta be honest it's hard to take.  ESPECIALLY from people who think they are religious, because if you love God and believe in Jesus yet you think either one of them would turn away frightened kids who just want to be safe and be with their families then you are either reading the wrong Bible or have a f*cked up way and looking at faith and love.  Because the Jesus i know wouldn't turn away anyone, and by standing in the streets to yell at buses full of scared children to go home to a violent country where they might end up being killed for no reason then you couldn't be farther away from Jesus' teachings if you tried.
And i know after reading this rant that it's not going to change anyone's mind.  If you get SO angry at the fact that innocent children are trying to find safety in America nothing that i wrote today is going to change that.  So i didn't really write this to try and convince any of you how wrong  you are, i really wrote this because i feel sad for you.  Because in a country where the corrupt rules everything, and the rich do none of the work and pay none of the taxes while the rest of us struggle in the middle class or worse, working 40 or more hours a week if we're lucky just to live paycheck to paycheck and pay off all of the bills that will never be fully paid off, while politicians are trying to take away the rights of women and minorities and are constantly doing things only for the lobbies that pay them and not for the people who elect them, you are choosing THIS issue to get so mad about and say something.

And if while being f*cked so badly by the people in charge that you instead need to turn your anger on children who are just looking for safety then you could not possibly be losing more at this game called life.  And when you do finally meet your maker you're going to have a lot of trouble trying to explain yourself.  And you're also going to have a lot of trouble beating Jesus in beer pong, because for real that man has SKILLS!  Enjoy your weekend everyone!


- So some of you will probably hate me for saying this but i do not like hammocks, AT ALL!  And i know some people love hammocks more then life itself, and nothing makes them happier then to relax on a hammock outside taking a nap on a beautiful summer day...

But i'm just too big and fat for a hammock.  And  they are so awkward to get into!  i have to just jump in like a lard ass and then start swinging around like a fat idiot. And then when i finally do get settled and try to nap i realize i forgot my cell phone inside or my drink in the kitchen or that i have to go to the bathroom, and that's when the REAL fun starts!  Because if you are overweight and you are trying to get out of a hammock you end up looking like a beached whale who's only option ends up being laying in the same spot on the beach and dying there.  And sure your friends might help you get out, but not before they point and laugh at you trying to do it yourself.  So enjoy your hammock skinny people!  i'll take a nap inside on my soft queen size bed and Egyptian cotton sheets where there are way less annoying bugs biting me all over my entire fat body.

And yes that is just a picture of a fat guy and not a fat guy on a hammock but i saw this picture on Google and it made me laugh so i hope it made you laugh too!  Unless that is a picture of you of course...
- In honor of "National Tequila Day," otherwise known as "Bad Decision Day" here is one of my favorite episodes of VHS Breakdown where we review Tim Burton's directorial debut, "Pee Wee's Big Adventure."  i love this episode because we finally show how dark and F'D up this movie is, and if you didn't know Tim Burton makes a cameo in this film well then you do now!

And oh yeah, don't forget to watch the last part after the credits where i almost killed myself doing the "Big Shoe Dance" on my kitchen counter.  i almost dropped my own personal, LATER DICKS!

A Great Name for a Punk Band! "The Fancy Ticklers"  i honestly don't know if any of you will realize just how genius and funny this one is.  But i do, and that's really what's important isn't it?  It isn't?  Oh well.

Fast Food Tips - 7/11 is the perfect place to make bad late night choices, but even they might have just topped themselves with their new "Doritos Loaded" line!  Apparently they are Doritos with cheese in them, which sounds like it could be money until you try them and find out they are disgusting.  If i had to say one good thing about them it would be that they are mad cheap, so you don't have to take my word for it you can go buy some of them on your own and only be out like a $1.79 or something.  i tried them while drunk and i still thought they were horrific but don't believe me go get some now!  And when these are firing out of your mouth and/or a$$hole i hope you will think about me then as well!
And that's it for me today kids!  i hope everyone enjoyed this masterpiece, and if you didn't it's probably because you hate minorities and kids.  But despite that i hope you all have a great weekend, we're still in July and it's supposed to be beautiful summer weather till Monday so go out and enjoy it!  And share this blog if you know what's good for you, because it's good luck!  Maybe not for you but it is for me!  See you kids on Tuesday!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Friday, July 18, 2014

Let's go away for a while, you and I, to a strange and distant land. Where they speak no word of truth, but we don't understand anyway. Holiday, far away, to stay on a holiday! Far away, let's go today in a heartbeat! - Weezer "Holiday"


What is up kids?

i'll tell you what's up, it's another Friday in July and i'm going down the Jersey shore bitches!  Well maybe not this second, right now i'm probably at my new job counting the seconds until i get to leave.  Although for once it's only because i'm excited to go on vacation, not like at my old job where i NEEDED to leave that place before i drove a pair of scissors into my jugular.  What a difference a year and a new job makes!
But yeah, work has been the MONEY both literally and figuratively and it truly makes me happy to say that.  But despite all of that i still needs to GO!  My girlfriend and her fam are down the shore already, and as soon as i'm out of here i'm going to join the party.  The pants party.  At least my girlfriend told me i was invited to a pants party...
Which is also why i'm going to tell you all now that i'm taking next Tuesday off and will be back next Friday with an all new blog.  i plan on partying my FACE off this weekend and with work on Monday i don't want to try and half ass another blog which is what i've been doing on my rants lately.  Hopefully you haven't noticed but whatever, i'm not gonna lie about it.  Especially when some of the reason has to do with the fact that i'm super happy lately and i don't feel the need to go MAD over nonsense.  Because life is too short, i want to have fun!  YOLO!  And oh yeah, seriously kill me for saying YOLO ...
But i'm out bitches!  Enjoy the weekend and your week my friends!  But before you do enjoy this nonsense, it's good for your brain and it's good for YOU!!


- So i'm not gonna lie, this still might be my favorite episode we've ever done.  I mean yeah "E.T." was our best one, and "Karate Kid II" was a MASTERPIECE.  And "Teen Wolf" might be the best all around episode we've ever done.  And "Look Who's Talking" was definitely our cutest episode.  And "Rocky IV" DEFINITELY had the craziest smash we've ever done...

But i've ALWAYS loved the movie "Real Genius" and i really think we knocked it out of the park with this one.  i tried to do it so that if you didn't know the movie that you would still enjoy our episode, but for real if you don't know this movie you are BLOWING it and need to watch it ASAP!  It's classic Val Kilmer at his funniest will William Atherton as the bad guy!  What else could you possibly want!  And it's some of my best writing, and Rob's best editing!  Whatever, i don't care what you kids say.  i give this episode an A plus!

- Speaking of YouTube videos that are hilarious, i saw this on a Tosh.O re-run last night and damn i can't stop laughing.  Now that i think about it this can also be a "OLD SCHOOL" Tips for Video Games:a bit that i rarely do anymore. Either way, i hope you all enjoy this comedic video that is only 7 seconds long, "Drunk Mario!"
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - ATTENTION EVERY BAGEL PLACE I GO TO EVER!  When i order a bacon egg and cheese on an everything bagel with salt and pepper, DO NOT AUTOMATICALLY PUT F*CKING KETCHUP ON THAT $HIT!!!!  GDDAMN i am so sick of this happening every f'n time!  And i don't know what else to do, because every time i order one and the dumb girl goes "Salt, Pepper, Ketchup?" And i say "For the love of God and everything that's holy, just salt and pepper please! NO ketchup!"  For some reason they only seem to hear...

  "Wait, ALL you want is ketchup?  You're saying i should slather the entire thing with disgusting ketchup all over it so that's all you taste?  Because i mean you ordered a bacon egg and cheese so i thought you might want to taste those flavors.  But instead you said you want me to douche the entire bagel with red awfulness so that's all you taste since that flavor is SO overpowering.  But whatever sir, you requested a half gallon of ketchup on your sandwich so that is what you're going to get!"

And oh yeah, my favorite part of this whole ordeal is that i never realize what happened till i get home and i'm totally f*cked.  i hate you ketchup.  i love you Johnny Lats.
"Facebook Etiquette"-
Fast Food Tips - So while i'm not a big chip person i am a fan of contests.  Which is why i'm proud to show all of you the "Flavor Finalists" in picking the next new flavor of Lays potato chips!  i give you Cappuccino, Kettle Cooked Wasabi Ginger, Cheddar Bacon Mac and Cheese and Wavy Mango Salsa!  Wait, why is Mango Salsa Wavy?  That sounds racist for some reason..
Now at first glance you are probably thinking it's going to be Cheddar Bacon Mac & Cheese, no contest.  But i think it won't win for that exact reason. People are going to expect it to taste as good as cheddar bacon mac and cheese and that's just impossible!  So i'm going to go with Cappuccino and finally be wrong.  But lucky for me, just for buying and eating each bag all by myself to give it the ultimate test i will be a winner either way!

Fast Food Tips - Since it's Friday and i love you kids so much here's another great chip invention that you need to know of immediately. Unfortunately Canada is the only country cool enough to sell these right now but i present to you Doritos Roulette, a bag of Doritos where 75% of the bag are just regular Doritos but 25% of the chips are SUPER HOT!!!  i think this is a great idea, except i'd rather buy a bag that had 100% super hot Doritos.  Nonetheless, i know what pansies white people are about spicy stuff so i think it'd be hilarious to watch a bunch of dumb drunk people play this game and watch someone get done up.  Probably because i'm a sick f*ck.  But you are too so good for us!
One last thing on chips, and it has to do with Doritos!  If you read my comment section on my blog and as long as they are not comments by Johnny Lats you should, you probably missed Jay John's amazing edition with this little gem:  "My new move at 7-11 these days is to buy cool ranch Doritos and load free chili and cheese into the bag. It's the right move." - Jay John

Well played Boy Dayrit, well played.

That's it for me kids!  And speaking of good moves i'm about to go on vacation!  And i hope everyone has a great weekend, just not as great as weekend as i have planned because for once i'm going to be selfish and hog all of the fun.  And by hog all of the fun i mean eat a bacon egg and cheese on a bagel WITHOUT ketchup!

But fine, i won't hog all of the fun to myself. So i hope you all have an awesome of a weekend as i have planned and i will see you kids next Friday with an all new blog!

Cya Next Friday!  @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Hold tight, wait till the party's over. Hold tight, we're in for nasty weather. There has got to be a way, Burning down the house. - Talking Heads "Burning Down the House"


What is up kids?

So today is already a DISASTER, which sucks because as of now it's only 9 am.  It's such a bad day that i was definitely debating not putting out a new blog today, but i figured i would at least half ass one for you guys since i love you so much.  One because my ass is so big that even half of it is enough for a full blog.  And two because i got some pretty loyal readers, and even when i'm 15 or so minutes late putting my blog up i hear about it immediately.  Yes i'm talking about you Johnny Lats!!  i have a job now, you need to cut me some slack on my posting time!  And oh yeah, congrats to you on Germany winning the World Cup!  It's nice to see Germans finally dominate the World like you always hoped they would.
Although to be honest, i will always think that the World Cup is bull$hit unless Mexico wins it.  i mean it's Mexico for crying out loud!  All they do is play soccer!  That and eat rice and beans.  But seriously, how did we lose to an f'n team like the Netherlands?  They are as white as can be!  Something is wrong with this world!
And i know what you're thinking.  "Of course you were rooting for Mexico you dirty Mexican!  Maybe if you spent more time playing soccer instead of mowing lawns and washing dishes and hanging outside of Home Depot you would have won the game!"  First of all, F you you racist f*ck!  Secondly, i didn't think Mexico was going to win just because i'm Mexican.  It's also because they had the best goalie in the world.  i mean for real, i still can't figure out how anyone got any goals by him!
But Mexico not winning the World Cup isn't the reason today sucks so bad.  The reason today is HORRIFIC is because my air conditioner broke last night and i literally want to cry.  It's now doing some thing where it turns on for like a minute and then shuts off by itself, and it keeps doing that for awhile until it just shuts off completely.  And if there is ANYTHING that you should have learned about me by now reading this blog it's that i truly believe air conditioning is the greatest invention ever, and add to the fact that a "slightly" overweight large man who sweats profusely whenever it's the least bit humid out i cannot live with AC.  So even though i was exhausted after working late last night i ended up having to sleep naked with some awful fan blowing on me (What was his name?), lying in a puddle of what i can only describe as "Taco Sweat."  i was sweating more then a guy on Molly wearing a parka at the Equator!
So yeah i'm in a pretty awful and irritable mood today which is why i'm gonna cut this rant short right now.  i need to figure out what i'm going to do about this because i definitely can't afford a new AC at the moment and this fan bull$hit is NOT going to work!  So enjoy the ha ha's that i give you today, and if any one's got any ideas on how to cool down please let me know!


- If you don't know what FXX is then you obviously don't watch as much quality television as you should.  And by "quality" i mean that channel has the new seasons of "It's Always Sunny" and that's about it i think.

But they are getting "The Simpsons" next month and to celebrate the show coming to their channel they are going to have a marathon where they show EVERY SIMPSONS EPISODE EVER!!  Starting on August 21st they will have a 12 day, 522 episode marathon where they will show every Simpsons episode starting from the beginning.  And to answer your next two questions yes i have already asked to take those 12 days off from work, and yes i've ordered adult diapers that i can wear so i never even have to leave my bed.  Best summer ever!!!
- Speaking of animation, has everyone been enjoying the new "Angry Birds" game that has just come out?  So far i can't even get past level one...
That was a joke posted by my good pal Bill H who had a birthday yesterday so i'd like to say  Happy birthday buddy!  And thank you for letting me steal your humor for my blog!  Especially because i always just do it and never ask!

And happy birthday to my younger brother Tomas, who is just about as awesome of a person on this planet that there is.  He's super nice, he's got a great sense of humor, an incredible work ethic, and has as amazing wife and child that i also love dearly.  And good for Tomas, because he deserves it more then anyone i know.  And i love him so much and even though he's my younger brother i am totally the one looking up to him my entire life.  So i hope it was a good one hermano!  We will celebrate next time i see you!
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - Is there anything better then walking into the bathroom at work in the morning and all of the lights turning on when you walk in?  Some of you have zero clue what i'm talking about, but others are saying "Yes i know!!  That's the best feeling ever!"  Well it's the latter people i'm talking to, because they understand the fantastic feeling of walking into the bathroom and realizing you're the first person to be in there.  Because normally using the bathroom at work is the bad combo of interacting with people you are trying to avoid all day, combined with them either having their junk in their hand or their pants around their ankles as they leave a Katrina like disaster in the stall next to you.  And i won't even include the horrificness of the smells you have to endure after your lovely co-worker makes a pitstop after eating that horrible smelling lunch that stunk up the entire office and leaves a smell that is a cross between raw fish and curry covered in bad cheese.

But none of that matters when you walk into the bathroom and the lights go on, because not only does that mean you have the bathroom to yourself but you also get the pleasure of not sitting on a seat that is still warm from the disgusting butt cheeks that were only on it only a few seconds ago.  This may sound like a simple joy, but it's the simple pleasures in life that make me happy.  You may say i'm a dreamer, but i'm not the only guy...

"MOMbook posters"-
C'mon mom's, really?  That's all you got for me?  i get it, you're a mom.  Either do something besides tell me about your kid or get off of Facebook and get on Mombook.  Unless you're my brothers wife Heather and you're posting pictures of my nephew/Godson, he's the cutest ever and i can't get enough!!!
Fast Food Tips - So this is an old one but still a tip worth repeating.  Which is also how i hope my girlfriend feels about my penis.  Anyways, after the release of Dunkin Donuts mouth watering and crotch wettening "donut" bacon and egg breakfast sandwich, fast food places everywhere are trying to come up with the next big life threatening food item.  That's why it's no surprise that some restaurant called "Chicken Charlie's" has invented the Krispy Kreme Sloppy Joe sandwich!

This monstrosity puts savory sloppy joe drenched in tomato sauce and cheese on a ridiculously addicting Krispy Kreme donut, the perfect way to eat an unhealthy breakfast/lunch that will be sure to keep your cheeks on the bowl for hours making your own personal sloppy joes.  And it also makes you the exact person that i hope i don't sit next to me in the stall at work at lunchtime.  Either way eating this pile of delicious nonsense sounds like a plan to me!!

Fast Food FACTSNow before you read that last fast food tip and start a downward eating spiral into fast food shame that will only be stopped by diabetes and obesity, here is a chart to let you know just how much wood pulp is being put into your fast food.  And yes you heard me right, f'n wood pulp in your food!  Maybe it's time to hit up Trader Joes or Whole Foods instead...

And that's it for me today kids!  Hopefully they're aren't too many spelling and/or grammar mistakes or at least more then usual.  Because like i said i'm writing this in my room right now and there is NO GDDAMN AIR CONDITIONING!!!  But i suffered through this because i love you all, so show me your appreciation by sharing this blog with your friends and/or enemies or maybe even dropping some love in the comments section here and/or on Facebook.  Or don't and it won't matter because it's too hot for me to check and/or get angry anyway.

But i hope you are all having a better day then me, keep cool and i will talk to you kids Friday with an all new blog!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Friday, July 11, 2014

Here it is, the groove slightly transformed. Just a bit of a break from the norm. Just a little somethin' to break the monotony of all that hardcore dance that has gotten to be a little bit out of control, it's cool to dance. But what about the groove that soothes that moves romance? - Will Smith - "Summertime"


What is up kids?

i'll tell you what's up, it's a motherf*cking beautiful summer Friday in July and it's time to start the weekend!  What else could you possibly want in your life?  For real, all year people talk nonstop about how they CAN'T WAIT UNTIL THE SUMMER!!!  And now it's here!  And the weather is beautiful!  And we're about to start the weekend!  All of you should be so happy and excited for this weekend right now that you're about to pop in your pants!! The crotch part of your pants should literally be covered in pop right now!!!
Personally though, i'm not the biggest fan of Summer.  Mostly because i'm a large man who sweats when it's not humid out, let alone when it's more humid outside then a Turkish bath house in Miami.  That's the problem for most of us large people, we're sweaty disgusting disasters in the summer and if it wasn't for air conditioning i probably would have died a long time ago.
But to the rest of you summer lovers i hope you are enjoying every second of this.  And i really mean it too, because a lot of people spend all year waiting and hoping for this fantastic summer weather and then it gets here and you don't do anything and instead just complain when it's over.  Go to a happy hour tonight!  Go to the beach tomorrow!  Plan a picnic!  Go to a ball game!  Do all the things that you dream about all year during those miserable cold months and enjoy your life to the fullest this weekend!  Stop putting things off for tomorrow or next week, especially when you know the summer will be over before you know it!
And yeah maybe i'm telling you all to do this and i'm writing about this today because i'm hungover and didn't know what else to write about anyway.  But the truth is i don't think people allow themselves to be as happy as they should be.  Everyone gets so caught up with their jobs and bills and personal drama that sometimes they forget that this life we get is a gift and one that we should be happy and thankful for.  Even when things seem completely horrible, never forget that at least you're alive to know those feelings and that one day these bad times will pass.  Sure it doesn't feel like it now, but the problems you had a year ago or two years ago are not the same problems you have today.  So no matter what you're going through now trust me, it will eventually get better.  i mean look at me!  Just a month ago i was an unemployed lazy Mexican with no jobs.  And now i'm a FULLY employed lazy Mexcian with a full time job!   Who would have thunk it??

Well the truth is i would have thunk it, because i believe in the power of a positive mind.  That's why all of the people i hang out with are good, fun positive people.  Is there anything worse then hanging out with that one friend who is ALWAYS complaining and always miserable about something?  Or being around people that don't get joy out of your happiness, and instead choose to point fingers and judge everyone and talk about how horrible everything is and never let themselves have any fun?  For real, don't be those people!  Be someone who enjoys being alive, who realizes we only have a limited amount of time on this beautiful blue green rock that's floating around the sun and enjoy this life as much as you can!  And if you haven't been doing that lately then there is no better time then right now to start doing so.  Because like i said to start this blog,  it's a motherf*cking beautiful summer Friday in July and it's time to start the weekend!


- Speaking of being too big to enjoy the summer weather, did any of you know that i used to play baseball?  And did any of you know that i was on the cover of this month's ESPN's magazine? They asked me to be on it because even though i'm a large man they know that i'm completely comfortable with my body and also because i can hit a mean long ball with my thick bat.  And also because i'm pretty good at baseball!  But yeah just in case you missed it here i am in all of my glory!
- Can someone please tell me why this is the least watched episode we've ever done of "VHS Breakdown?"  i mean it's "Better Off Dead" for crying out loud!!!  Do you people really not remember this movie?  And by "you people" i mean uncultured aholes, or at least baby girls under 30 years old.

But for real, it has the moneyest opening we've ever done, all of the jokes are about teen suicide in 80's comedies, and it even has a Molotov cocktail for crying out loud!   What more do you people want??  i mean yeah i'm not at my funniest by any means and it definitely wasn't my best performance and/or writing.  But other then that this episode is funny!  i think so anyway...

- Well i don't like to talk politics on Friday especially during the summer.  But this quote kind of nails it...

"Facebook Etiquette"-

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - So do you guys think it is f'd up how funny i think it is to scare my dog with the vacuum cleaner?  Man do i get a kick out of that!  He's a pretty big dog too, you would think he'd get mad or something.  But instead he turns into an immediate pansy whenever he sees the vacuum come out.  i don't even have to turn it on!  Once he sees that "scary" machine he takes off up the stairs IMMEDIATELY.  And i have to admit, sometimes i take the vacuum out just to scare him because i can. Does that make me some kind of ahole?  Well i don't care, it's not my dog it's my roommate's.  Does that make me any less of a douche bag?  No?  Oh well.  i'm not going to change my behavior, i was just wondering.
"It's nice to hear about you vacuuming!  That's what dirty Mexicans like you should be doing!  Although to be honest, i'd much rather have you mow my lawn, this way you wouldn't have to come inside my house.  We kind of have a rule about having your kind in here!"  Wow.  i'd probably be offended at your racism if Hispanics weren't taking over this country.  Keep making those immigration laws more lax my friends!  We were already coming over in droves when we weren't allowed in this country anyway.  This just makes it all the easier to conquer you.  Viva Los Estados Unidos!

You don't like it?? You can get out!!

Fast Food Tips - It's 7/11's birthday, and to celebrate they are giving away free small Slurpees today from.... wait for it... 7 to 11!  Which totally makes sense, but does anyone else find it funny that any 7/11 that is NOT open for 24 hours is a ghetto one?  i mean every 7/11 should be open 24 hours.  That's the whole point of the store, is to head in there late night when you're bombed and everything else is closed and then to make bad decisions like buying their disgusting hot dogs and frozen White Castle burgers that you heat up and eat and throw up when you get home.  Which makes any 7/11 that is only open from 7 to 11 a useless one, because if it's 11 o'clock and there are other things open you might as well go there!

But yeah free Slurpees today so enjoy!
And that's it for me today kids!  Although speaking of birthdays it is one of my special readers birthdays today and that's Stefanie who used to read my blog all the time but i don't know if she does anymore.  But even if she doesn't she was a huge fan in the beginning when i felt no one else was reading it so for that i want to thank her and say happy birthday!! :)

And even if it's not your birthday today it's still a summer Friday in July so you might as well act like it is.  Drink your face off, forget your diet and eat whatever you want, go to Colorado where weed is legal and smoke your gddamn balleens off until you're on another planet, and even if it's not your birthday you should party so hard that you wake up in some unknown place in your birthday suit.  You only live once kids, so go out and do it up this weekend and i'll see you on Tuesday with an all new blog!

And oh yeah, to anyone that was thinking "YOLO" when i said you only live once you are an immature silly basterd!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter