Friday, February 27, 2015

I know this is a horrible thing to say, but I do not believe that the president loves America. He doesn't love you. And he doesn't love me. He wasn't brought up the way you were brought up and I was brought up through love of this country. - Former NY Mayor Rudolph Giuliani


What is up kids?

Now was that an inspiring quote to start off today's blog or what?  Nothing like supreme ignorance and a Fox News type mentality to start off your weekend. Especially from a Mayor who witnessed one of the worst attacks on this country of all time first hand and who should know better then to say such uncivil and terrible rhetoric.  Although i guess i wouldn't say 9/11 was the worst attack of all time, because the 1%'s attack on everyone who isn't a billionaire is probably the worst.  Or the Republican parties OBSESSION with denying a woman the right to make decisions on her own body, that attack is pretty horrific too.  And that slavery thing our Founding Fathers used to "participate" in wasn't one of our country's highlights either... 

But i digress, because today we are talking about the insane comments of New York's former mayor Rudolph Giuliani, someone you would think would act with a little more class and intelligence but apparently dirty politics wins over any semblance of human decency when it comes to out black President.  And that's not to say that people don't normally bash whoever's President, i'm just saying this particular type of bashing is racist as F*CK and would never be said about a white president.

i mean look at George W. Bush.  He is easily one of our worst presidents of all time, yet even with all of the criticism he received no one ever said that he doesn't love America.  i mean he was called an idiot, moron, dumb a$$, war mongerer, a$$hole, a complete failure at life and an illiterate bag of douche, but no one ever thought he didn't love America.  We just all thought that W was a completely unqualified to be President of a baseball team let alone the country, and we bashed him for all of his terrible moves accordingly
But this saying Obama doesn't love America rhetoric is clearly just because certain people will never accept our black President, and to think otherwise is just foolish.  Again, i'm not saying making fun of or criticising our President is the thing that's racist!  It's the saying that he doesn't love America and that the he wasn't brought up the way you and i were brought up bullshit that is ignorant and racist and should be openly called out by the other members of his party.  But instead, of you have other people in the party like that dumb piece of $hit like Indiana Governor Bobby Jindal saying that he agrees with what Rudy said.  Which is funny because he's an Indian, and if Bobby Jindal actually knew what the racist members of his Conservative party thought about his minority ass he might not be so quick to join in their racist games.  Or who knows, maybe he would because there's a lot of dumb racist aholes in this country and there always will be.  Oh well, on to the nonsense! 


ONE WEEK FROM TODAY i hope that any of you that are in the North Jersey area who can make it will come out to the Orange Lantern bar in Paramus, NJ to see "Toy Canon."  They are a FANTASTIC rock cover band that plays hits from every decade!  And yeah Rob is the also the bass player, but that doesn't matter because i'm not asking you to go watch him.  He's easily the least talented member that they have!  

But combined they are the MONEY, and if you're into cheap booze and awesome live music and more importantly hanging out with me then you should definitely come out and say hi next Friday March 6th at the Orange Lantern!  DO IT!

A Great Name for a Punk Band!  "Dollars to Donuts"  

On my last blog i kinda went off on the whole "Lent" nonsense, especially the part about it being ridiculous to be judged for you faith by what your diet consists of.  And if i offended anyone i'm sorry, although i'm not sorry as in i didn't mean everything i said.  i just mean that i write this blog to make people laugh as well as think, and i know some of you are sensitive Sally's anytime anyone brings up religion.  So if jokes about God aren't your cup of tea well i apologize because it's really not my intention to exclude you from my weekly ha ha's. 
So to make up for my blasphemous behavior today, i'd like to pay tribute to one of The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME! and it's one that should make all of you God fearing people smile ear to ear.  Because there are 3 special ladies who love Jesus more then most, so much so that they offer both their spirit and their bodies to their Lord and savior through the magic of song.  And it is with this wonderful compilation that i present to you The Faith Tones and their album, "Jesus Use Me."  Which is a phrase that our very own Jay John and Johnny Lats use every single day!
Fast Food Tips -  So i'm sure you've seen the commercials for this next item lately, and if you're like me just the thought of shoving all of this meat down your disgusting throat gets the front of your pants soaking wet.  

Mmmmm, doesn't that look delicious?  i can already tell you're going from 6 to 12 in your pants just looking at this picture!  But if any of you recall this isn't the first time i'm writing about Taco Bell's Triple Steak Stack, and for those of you who are smart enough to listen to my advice you will remember to NEVER order this item!  i mean quality meat is not Taco Bell's strong point, so to think that they all of sudden figured out how to make delicious low quality cheap steak then you're out of your mind.  This sloppy soggy disaster will have you running for the border and the emergency room while making several murderous bathroom stops on the way.  So ignore the commercials, ignore this awful sandwich, and make sure to send a thank you from you stomach and butt hole to me later!

And that's it for me today kids!  i hope everyone has a great week, i hope everyone agrees that the gddamn dress was white and gold and i'll cya all here next Friday with an all new blog!

Cya Friday, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Friday, February 20, 2015

I want you to know, when it comes to believing in god, I really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a god who created each one of us in his own image and likeness, loves us very much and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize...something is F*CKED-UP. Something is WRONG here. - George Carlin "You Are All Diseased"

War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is NOT good work. If this is the best god can do, I am NOT impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. This is the kind of $hit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently run universe, this guy would have been out on his all-powerful-ass a long time ago. - George Carlin from "You Are All Diseased"


What is up kids?

Well by the disgusting dirty thumbprints on everyone's head lately i'm guessing that Ash Wednesday started this week.  Either that or i can expect a return of the Chapelle show very soon!
And to be honest i have mixed emotions about this "holiday." Because while i do think it's a good thing that people give up something to try and better themselves, i also think that getting made to feel guilty to the point of having to give up something in order to pay for your "sins" is downright ridiculous. 
Doesn't it seem like we deal with enough awfulness each and every day that we shouldn't have to put ourselves through such a self punishing act?  i don't know how religion does it but they do a great job of making people feel like they aren't good enough and that we actually deserve to put ourselves through self imposed pain and suffering.  i mean for real, what's with this not eating meat stuff?  Why does my diet come into account when figuring out if i'm a good person or not?  It never made sense to me.

However, if you are one of those people who don't eat meat during lent well you're in luck.  Because all the Fast Food restaurants are very well aware of this fact, which is why ALL fast food chains are offering disgusting fish specials so you can still eat unhealthy and worship god at the same time.  It's win win!  Enjoy the next 40 days everyone! 


 - So i feel like i make fun of white people a lot on this blog, and if i'm being honest i'm not always "joking."  i mean argue if you wish, but there are a decent amount of white people that are lame crackers that have no rhythm, can't dance, and they smell like wet dog when they come in from the rain.

This following artist breaks these molds however, as he proves that it's not the color of your skin that determines just how "funky" you are but what you do in that pasty white skin.  So without further Apu, i'm very happy to show to you one of  The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME! by the man who taught George Clinton about funk,  Tom Pease and "Boogie! Boogie! Boogie!"
 "OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE -  So can i tell a quick awful story that i've never told anyone before? Except for the time i previously wrote this on my blog of course.  Oh, who am i kidding, of course i can,!  It's my gddamn blog!  

Anyways, when i was a Sophomore at Ramapo college (my last actual semester at that school before i kinda got kicked out) i lived in a dorm with my roommate Billy and we shared a bathroom with two other random dudes that we never saw and didn't know.  But the worst thing about sharing this bathroom was that there was ALWAYS pubes all over our toilet bowl every time we went in our bathroom.  And it was HORRIFIC! How dare these aholes be so f'n repugnant right?

So we did what any passive aggressive aholes would do, we left a note saying "Hey jerkoffs!  Stop leaving your disgusting sweaty hairy pubes all over the bathroom every time you use it you gross f*cks!"  Which totally solved the problem, right?  WRONG!  Because imagine our surprise when the kid left us his own personal note where he said, "Look, i'm sorry for the mess in the bathroom.  i am going through Chemo right now and i'm losing more of my hair then i expected to..." So yeah that happened to me in my life.  Man i'm an ahole!  Way to go you sophomoric bag of douche.

A Great Name for a Punk Band!- "The Doggone Its"

Fast Food Tips -  If you kids remember, i recently told you about how KFC has created the new fast food item of the decade with it's KFC Double Dog, a horrific monstrosity created by putting a cheese covered hot dog in a bun made of fried chicken instead of bread.  And i know a lot of you became very excited when i told you about this fast food tip, so much so that when you heard about the Double Dog the front of your pants became finger lickin' good!
But in an effort to put that final nail in your extremely obese coffin as well as send all of you Lent following Catholics straight to hell, i have another contender for Greatest New Fast Food Item of the Decade.  And that "food" is the Little Caesars "Bacon Wrapped Deep Dish pizza." Which is their regular deep dish pepperoni pizza that now contains 3 feet of bacon wrapped around the crust, with even more bacon sprinkled on top!  Pizza pizza?  More like bacon bacon!
Terrible jokes aside, a SINGLE slice of this pizza contains 25 grams of fat and 450 calories which means when i order one and eat an entire pie by myself i will also be able to use that greasy disgusting pizza box as my tombstone.  This pizza pretty much proves everything that is wrong with this country, and i can't wait to be a true American and shove this obnoxiously delicious monster down my stupid throat until i have a heart attack and die.  U S and A!  U S and A!
And that's it for me today kids!  i hope you all have a great weekend, and i hope you are all digging this one blog a week pace i'm at now because it is SO much better for me.  And if it's not you can always go back and read my old ones because Lord knows i've written enough of these hilarious masterpieces!

But yeah i hope you party it all up, enjoy the EXTREMELY white Oscars on Sunday and i'll see you kids here next Friday with an all new blog!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Friday, February 13, 2015

How could this love ever turning, never turn its eye on me? How could this love ever changing, never change the way I feel? - Beck "Lonesome Tears"


What is up kids?

i'll tell you what's up, it's Valentines Day weekend and i started today's blog off with the most DEPRESSING Beck song lyrics ever!  Go ahead, i dare to listen to "Lonesome Tears" off of Sea Change and not draw frowny faces on your wrists with a butcher knife.  In fact, i DOUBLE dare you not to do it!

Lonesome tears, I can't cry them anymore
I can't think of what they're for.  Oh they ruin me, every time.
But I'll try, to leave behind some days.
These tears just can't erase, I don't need them anymore

Although speaking of Double Dare, to make this blog even more depressing i just found out that Marc Summers the old host of Double Dare now has cancer.  Man, this blog just keeps getting happier and happier!  
The funny thing though is that despite all of this depressing nonsense i'm actually in a fantastic mood.  Beck is finally getting the credit he's deserved his entire career, it's Friday and i'm about to start a fantastic weekend.  And while i normally hate Valentine's Day because it seems like a made up Hallmark holiday which they invented along with local restaurants so that they could get away with charging $65 for a prix fixe dinner not including alcohol all while jamming you both into a small space along with all of the other loving couples i'm actually excited for it this year.  Mostly because i don't care what i do, as long as i'm with my girl i'm having the best time ever.

"Whoo hoo you're in love and you're talking about it on your Valentine's Day blog!  You know how i know you're gay?  You're d!ck tastes like $hit!""

Wow, c'mon DOOD.  This is my Valentine's Day blog and you're ruining it with your filthy and immature mouth!  Although to be honest i don't think i've done the inner monologue bit for a hot second so welcome back, it's nice to hear from you.  "Thanks, it's so nice to be back!  Speaking of back, you love back sides because you're gay!" 

This rant really fell apart at the end there didn't it?  Oh well.  On to the nonsense! 


- Now i know this next bit of advice probably won't help anyone now with Valentine's Day being tomorrow and all.  But it may come in handy for another occasion or at the very least you'll know better for Valentine's Day next year.  But if you ever go to order flowers from one of those sites like Proflowers or whatever and you're all set to make your purchase, right before you're about to end the order and hit "confirm" just exit out of the website and wait a hot second.  Because if you do that, Proflowers will send you an email with "A Special 10% Off Coupon to Finish Your Order."  Same thing with Shari's Berries and probably a million types of services like this
 Forget something? 
Check out now for an additional 10% off.
Which means all you have to do is not finish your order and leave the website and you'll save an extra 10% off of whatever deals you are already using.  And with how much shipping and handling costs at these stupid gddamn places i say take any extra savings you can get!  And yes i'm Jewish and my new name is now Miguel Jose Bagelwitz
A Great Name for a Punk Band! "The Freaky Deekys"

And now for the most romantic Fast Food Tip ever....
Valentine's Day Fast Food Tips -  If you didn't already know about this next deal (and if that's the crave case then shame on you,) White Castle has a special Valentines day dinner at their restaurants to make today the most romantic day ever!  White Castle is just oozing with so much love and fat and grease that they even have two different promotions to push how romantic a night at White Castle can be.  My only question is which ad is the MOST romantic?  Is it this one?
Mmmmm the steam, the passion, the hot, little BUNS!  i feel like i'm reading "Romeo and Juliet" because that might be the most romantic thing i've ever heard!  At least until i saw this ad....
Holy cow!!  Am i watching, "The Notebook?"  Make this Valentine's day "hot and steamy?"  Are they talking about at their restaurant, or are they describing what your bathroom will feel and smell like once you get home?

Either way, whether you're going out to eat at White Castle or spending hundreds of dollars at an expensive restaurant all that matters is that you do it with the person you love.  And i spent so many years being alone that it's nice to not only have someone but be with the one person on the planet that i'm supposed to be with.  So even if you're depressed and lonely today, just know that it is possible to find the person you love and when you do you'll be able to post silly and sappy romance stuff on your blog the way i do now!!
The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME!  Speaking of "Hot and Steamy," this next album cover is not only perfect for White Castle but also perfect for Valentine's Day!  There's not too much explanation needed here, so please enjoy Millie Jackson and "Back to the $hit!"
And on that romantic note i'd like to say i hope you all have a fantastic Valentine's Day weekend!  Especially my love who is the best thing that's ever happened to me.  It was almost Jay John for a little while but then i remembered that he's Filipino so he's out.  But while this holiday can normally be annoying and more trouble then it's worth, i've spent enough lonely holidays in my lifetime to appreciate every single day i get to spend with my girl so i can't wait for this weekend to start! 
So have a great week, and have fun with your significant other but don't any of you forget to tell your mother that you love her tomorrow as well because she was your original Valentine.  And i'll be back here next Friday with an all new blog so i'll see you all then my loves!

Friday, February 6, 2015

Pancakes definitely make you lower your expectations. You’re like, “Well, looks like I’m not showering today.” - Jim Gaffigan


What is up kids?

So now that i'm only writing one blog a week i have found that it has given me much more time to ponder life's biggest mysteries.  From why is Kim Kardashian famous, to what is the point to all of the life on our planet.  And even what kind of dumb motherf*cker would pass the ball on the 1 yard line when you have the BEAST Marshawn Lynch on your team and instead you basically just give the Superbowl away to a bunch of cheaters and it's literally all of your fault for calling the WORST play in football of all time so what the f*ck were you f*cking thinking?!?!  But yeah my point is i've been thinking about a lot of different stuff lately.
My favorite thing to think about though are the relationships between men and women, because throughout time there has been NOTHING that has been harder to figure out then that.  i mean yeah we've figured out how to make electricity, send a person to the moon, use pancakes for bread in a breakfast sandwich and we all have little computers on us at all times that we can use to talk to anyone anywhere on the planet as well as find ANY information about anything that we want!  Well except how to figure out the deal between guys and girls, because NO ONE has figured that out yet.  Not Albert Einstein, not Neil DeGrasse Tyson, not even your not so humble narrator! 
But again, now that i have the time to think about it i've realized that the biggest difference between men and women has to be the word "cute."  Women are apparently OBSESSED with the term, as almost all of the words that come out of their mouths seem to revolve around just how "cute" someone or something is.  Women love this word so much that they usually jump and clap their hands in glee when they exclaim "OMG that is so CUUUUUUTE!" And they literally plan every aspect of their day and their lives from what they are wearing to work, to the pictures that they put up on the walls around the house to the decorations they put up at their wedding.  Women are ALWAYS trying to make everything around them more cute!
And the thing is, most times us guys actually agree with women when they say something is cute.  We just don't happen to give a f*ck how cute something is.  And it's not because we don't know what cute is, because when you ladies show us something cute and go "OMG isn't that so cuuuuuuuute?!?!" We actually mean it when we agree with you and say "yes, yes it is cute."  The big difference though is that we don't care, because something being cute is nice to us for about 2 seconds and then we are already over it, because being cute doesn't really mean anything to us.

Look at it his way ladies, you know how we know you don't watch football, but when one of our fantasy football players scores an amazing touchdown on Monday night and it gives us the win in our league and we show and tell you about the crazy play that just happened even though we know you don't like or understand football?  And you kind of just look at the screen not getting it but you pretend to act happy because your man is happy but inside you really don't give a $hit?  THAT'S how we feel every time you show us something cute.  The only difference is that you only have to pretend to not care on Sundays and Monday nights, we have to pretend to care all of the time!  But it's okay, because we love you and we just can't resist your cute face!


- So it's nice to see everyone in the news and social media KILLING Brian Williams over the lie he told during his reporting of the Iraq war.  But it would be even nicer if everyone was held to the same standards and we called out EVERYONE in the news that lied, especially those that lie to our face EVERY GDDAMN SINGLE DAY.  This fake "outrage" by everyone in the media going after Brian Williams is ridiculous, especially considering Fox News Morning Show "Fox and Friends" just did an inspirational story about how the King of Jordan took to the skies himself in an army jet to personally get revenge against his people getting killed by ISIS.  Because the morons on Fox and Friends couldn't WAIT to say what an amazing man and leader the King of Jordan is, and how he makes our president look like a weakling!
Only problem is that the story never happened, and these morning show dunces were making a false point about our President over a fake news story.  Care to guess how they apologized?  If you guessed by not giving one you are the winner!  So yeah, Brian Williams lied and he sucks for that.  But again, stop with the fake outrage over his untruth until all of you lying a$$holes come clean and are held responsible as well.

The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME!  Back when i was in grade school i used to play the French Horn.  i don't know how many of you know that little miguel jose tidbit but it's true.  And the sad thing is i didn't want to play the French Horn, i wanted to play the saxophone.  But so did EVERYONE else, and by the time they got to me to ask what instrument i wanted to play the music teacher was like "why don't you try the french horn, i think you'd be great at it!" and i was like "Okay!" and then i got it and it was alright i guess but i always really wished i learned the saxophone.  

It is with that sad tale that i'd like to show you the next best album cover i've ever seen with the 2013 masterpiece, Wasnatch - "Front to Back"

Kind of makes me want to take up the french horn again...

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - Is there a reason on the planet that you would not order everything you need to buy on Amazon?  And i'm not spokesperson for or anything, i'm just willing to admit it's the greatest website on the planet that does not involve pornography.

Anyways, are there people that still drive to stores and walk around with other a$$holes and wait in line and buy things?  Because if there are people like that then they are blowing it in life and need to wake up and smell the "Prime" already.  Have you all tried "Amazon Prime" yet?  Ugh, my groin gets wet just thinking about the Prime.  It's a service that costs 85 beans or so for the year,but you get Free 2 day shipping on almost everything on Amazon.  Plus you get a ton of movies you can watch for free and you can read all sorts of books on Kindle.  Which now that i explained everything you get with Prime you realize it's totally worth it and totally understandable now why i would talk about my moist upper inner thighs.  But i'll stop now because i love you guys.  

"Facebook Etiquette"- 

Fast Food Tips - So i really shouldn't be telling you about this next fast food tip.  Mostly because none of you are fat enough to actually be able to take advantage of it, but more importantly it is a "deal" that is IMPOSSIBLE to take advantage of.  i don't care if you're Adam Richman or a fat evil f*ck like Rush Limbaugh, today's fast food tip is a scam and you should never do it!

But just in case you are interested, IHOP is currently running their "All You Can Eat!" Pancake deal and once again i am pissed off about it.  And that's because how many gddamn pancakes can one person shove down their throat for breakfast?  3?  Maybe 4 before you go into a coma on your toilet bowl?  This isn't like all you can eat wings or all you can shrimp or steak or sushi, ALL of which i can eat my fat f*cking face off until i have to take off my belt and unbutton my pants just to be comfortable.  But these carb cakes are ridiculously filling and the thought of "All You Can Eat" pancakes sounds like a great idea until you realize how $hitty it is.  But enjoy! 
And that's it for me today kids!  i hope everyone has a great weekend despite it being butt cold out, and after you tell all of your friends about my blog and share it with everyone you know i'll see you all back here next Friday with an all new blog!  Won't that be CUUUUUUUUTE?

CYA NEXT FRIDAY! AND FOLLOW @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Friday, January 30, 2015

You've got a real type of thing goin' down, gettin' down, there's a whole lot of rhythm goin' round. You've got a real type of thing goin' down, gettin' down, there's a whole lot of rhythm goin' round. Oww, we want the funk, give up the funk! Oww, we need the funk, we gotta have that funk! - George Carlin and the Parliament Funkadelic "Give Up the Funk"


What is up kids?

So yeah i hate to start off my only blog of the week on a down note, especially when it's finally Friday!  But GdDAMN have things been f*cking strange as $hitballs so far in 2015. i won't say that they have been straight up terrible necessarily, but they most certainly ain't been not that great.  Everything just seems "off" and wrong lately, like there is a glitch in the Matrix.  And i for one am getting sick of it!
For real, i just can't seem to shake this funk that i am in.  And no amount of boozing and not exercising and/or not eating healthy seems to be helping anything.  And the worst part of it all is that i don't really know what it is that's so off, so i'm not 100% sure how i'm supposed to go about fixing it.  i mean if  i was in a fight with someone and i knew i needed to fix that i could work on it.  Or if my job was terrible and i would rather purposely get into an accident while driving on the way to work then go into the office then i could just do that.  And trust, me i have DEFINITELY had jobs where i seriously debated getting into that accident.  ANYTHING other then having to walk into my old job!
But again, whatever it is that has me in this funk is nothing that i can put my finger on.  i'm not even fired up for the Super Bowl for crying out loud, and i f'n love football more then life itself!  Although i am really excited to see who wins, whether the Seahawks can prove how money they are by becoming repeat champions or just to find out what kind of cheating the Pats plan on doing this Sunday.  Because when it comes to Brady they don't call it "Tom"Foolery for nothing!    Ugh, you see what i mean?  Where the hell did that awful joke just come from?  i'm off, OFF i tells ya!
And i guess i need to get more proactive instead of just hoping this feeling goes away, because it's almost February and i don't see a change in sight.  And i've been in this kind of funk before and it always eventually just went away.  But apparently my procrastination with everything in life has been a bull$hit approach to my future, and now i'm just reaping the punishment of my gluttonous and lazy life now.  And if i don't change things soon i'm going to end up being tortured by Kevin Spacy for a year as the slob i am and to be honest, i'll deserve it
But yeah i'm sorry to start this weekend off on a downer, especially when i know you all come to me each week to either laugh or learn or maybe both.  And i could have just lied and made this another "hangover" blog where i talked about partying and boozing and blazing and $hit like that.  But i honestly think my readers can tell when i just phone it in, and i just didn't have the energy to do that this time.  Jesus, i don't even have the energy to phone a blog in? How lazy can i f*cking be?  i've had it with this gddamn funk i'm in!  It's f*cking Friday and i'm done with this old funk.  So let's all try to snap out of it, let's get ready for this weekend and the big game, and if we're gonna still be in a funk then we might as well make it the machine gun funk motherf*ckers!  All i want is bitches, big booty bitches!


- Did you know that someone has created the perfect trap to catch white girls?  You DIDN'T?!?  Well lucky for you i'm here to teach as well as make you laugh, so study this next picture hard because it may very well help you catch your very own white girl one day!
And yeah i might have done that bit recently but i don't remember for sure and even more importantly i don't care, it's funny!

The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME!  So as smart as i am i will never figure out why schools torture EVERYBODY by having children play recorders.  Most of these rugrats  are barely potty trained and/or can speak complete sentences, but for some reason we feel it necessary to hand them the noisiest and most obnoxiously annoying instrument on the planet!  But not for Svetlana, a woman who has turned this terrible kids flute into a pole of beautiful music perfect for her soft lips. Which is why today i present to you, Svetlana Gruebbersolvik and "My Lips are for Blowing!"
- So is everyone enjoying Season Dos of "VHS Breakdown" now on YouTube?  You are?  Well isn't that Jim Dandy!  Anyways if you missed it we recently put up Episode 3, "Weird Science" which is one of my favorite 80's movies of all time yet it's not one of our most watched episodes.  What gives people?  Watch it now and tell me why you all hate it so gddamn much!!!

Fast Food Tips - Every decade or so there is a fast food innovation that rocks our world to it's greasy, unhealthy core.  At one point in our lives the McGriddle was born, and my arteries and colon were never the same during breakfast hours again. 
Not to be outdone KFC introduced the "Double Down," a bacon and cheese sandwich with two pieces of fried chicken for bread.  And to be honest i always thought "Double Down" was a perfect name, as you were truly doubling down on your bad decisions to eat one of these monstrosities. 
And now, here in 2015, i would like to present to you the "Double Down Dog," the newest creation from KFC that puts a hot dog covered in cheese inside a bun size piece of fried chicken.  Which is perfect for any of you that would eat a hot dog and think to yourself, "You know what this hot dog needs?  Fried Chicken!"  Which let's be honest, we've ALL thought that before!  Currently this item is only available in the Philippines which means that Jay John is the only person we know that has tried it yet.  But it's nice to know that whenever it gets to the States that we will all salute this new true American hero! 
And that's it for me today kids!  i'll be back here next Friday with an all new blog, and hopefully with an all new attitude as well.  i hope you guys are digging this once a week nonsense for now, i know it's half the goodness and ha ha's per week but it's really helping me out so i do appreciate it.

But have a great weekend, let's go Seahawks, and most importantly let's go all the unhealthy double down dogs i'm going to shove that my face hole all Super Bowl!  

Cya Friday!  Follow @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Friday, January 23, 2015

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired. - George Carlin


What is up kids?

i'll tell you what's up, it's gddamn FRIDAY!  And i'm so f'n happy it's here, thank God it's TGIF!   Although i do have to admit my Friday nights have changed a LOT since i first started this blog a few years ago.  Normally by the time most of you got around to reading this i would be at least 7 beers deep, eating fried appetizer specials at a happy hour hoping i'd end up at my place playing beer pong and ordering a late night pizza until i was passed out pantsless on my basement floor covered in puke and shame and stale Natty light using a greasy meat lover's Sicilian slice from Tommy Turvino's as my pillow.  You know, the good old days!
Unfortunately now i'm old as F*CK, plus i don't get out of work until 8 pm on Friday nights.  Which means by 9 i'm in my pajamas with a bottle of wine on the couch with my girl on the couch watching "The Soup" until i pass out before Midnight despite the fact that i'm off on Saturdays and i really SHOULD stay up partying because it's the only weekend night that i'm able to do so.  Although i guess it's good i go to bed early tonight since i have to go to Home Depot this Saturday.  And who knows, maybe i'll stop by Bed Bath and Beyond, but i don't know if i'll have enough time!  And by the way, this joke is really f'd up because i really did go to Home Depot last Saturday, and again yesterday!  Someone f'n kill me! 

Except don't kill me, because even though i'm an aging lame ass i'm still having the greatest time in this life ever. i mean i have to say that i've always fought the idea of "growing up," especially in my 20's. Okay fine and my 30's.  But i never wanted to stop partying just because i'm "supposed" to be more mature, and the idea of giving up drinking and boozing my face off to no end was something i hated. Now i have no problem spending a Friday night going to bed early, but when i was younger i used to not even shower to get ready to go out until 10, and then i'd hit the bar by 11 or midnight.  Then i'd make sure to stop by Wendy's at 4 am and then sleep until 3 pm on Saturday.  Whatever happened to that fun life?  When did i turn into a golden girl?
i don't know when this change happened, but i'm here to tell you that i'm okay with it.  The fact that it just gradually happened to me and i wasn't forced into it makes a huge difference, because once people tell me i HAVE to do something i will always fight that just because.  Call me John Locke because no one tells me what to do!  And whatever, if i'm going to be a Golden Girl i can always be that slutty one who bangs a lot and eats a ton of cheese cake cause that sounds money to me.  Thank you for being a friend! 


- So if you don't watch football i really feel bad for you, because that Seahawks/Packers game last Sunday was about as incredible of a game as you will ever see in your life, in any sport.  i mean fake field goals, onside kicks, and scoring 15 points in less then a minute?  That game was f*cking insanity!  Although i did see people giving $hit to the Seahawks fans who left the game early, because those non believers ended up missing what may be the greatest comeback of all time.
But i disagree.  Not with the comeback being the best but with people who make fun of those who left the game early.  Has anyone tried to get out of a parking lot after a football game?  It LITERALLY takes hours, and when your team just lost a playoff game that can turn to MURDEROUS hours quickly.  Who wants to be stuck in terrible traffic in a parking lot all night in rainy cold weather after your team just lost?  No one, that's who. 
 So yeah it would be nice to stay the entire time and watch your team come back an win, but if you're someone who hates losing and traffic as much as i do i can understand wanting to just get the f*ck out of there.  Besides, tailgating is the most important part of going to any football game so as long as you did that i consider your job done.  And you also just paid over a hundred beans for a ticket.  i say you can leave the stadium whenever the f*ck you want!

And oh yeah, before i go i just want to say, HEY PACKERS...
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - So like any decent human being i support gay rights, and i for one couldn't be happier to see all the rapid progress that their cause has achieved even in just these last few years.  i think it's absurd that gay marriage is not recognized in every state in America yet, and it's a disgrace that there are even less LGBT laws protecting gay people in the work place.  Being Gay is obviously how you are born and not a "choice," and it's about time everyone realized this and started acting that way.

That being said, toys like these for little kids can't help.  And i'm not saying it's a bad thing if you're a parent and you WANT your kid to be gay, i'm just saying there has to be more subtle ways then getting them toys like this...
A Great Name for a Punk Band! "The Smart Alecs"

The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME!  So i've gotten a pretty incredible reception from a LOT of people who are loving this brand new bit!  And by "a LOT" i mean my girlfriend said she thought it was pretty funny.  And by "new" i mean all you have to do is look up "Worst album covers of all time" on Google and pretty much figure out what covers i'm going to be making fun of next.

But lucky for me you're all too lazy to do that, so with that being said let's get to our next nominee for Greatest Album Cover of All Time!  This one goes out to Jay John, who must be getting pretty pissed that all of the nominees so far have been for "white" artists.  But much like the Academy Awards i'm going to claim that this was all just a coincidence, and also just like the Academy Awards i'm going to nominate one black person and consider myself redeemed!  Which is why today i present to you one of the most HARDCORE rappers of all time,  Devistatin' Dave the Turntable Slave and "ZIP ZAP RAP!"
Fast Food Tips - i don't know what's going on with chicken nuggets these days but apparently fast food restaurants can't get rid of these $hits fast enough.  From Burger King offering 10 nuggets for $1.49 or McDonalds offering 50 nuggets for $10 something fishy seems to be going on with these nuggets.  And by "fishy" i mean i think they are serving us rotten fish meat instead of actual chicken. 
But whatever, a good deal is a good deal and if i can shove a Hamilton worth of nuggets down my disgusting throat then i'm going to do it.  Besides, i hear they have this great new dipping sauce called "pink slime" that sounds amazing!  But rumor has it that most of us have tried it already and didn't even know...
And that's it for me today kids!  And i have to say i'm digging this once a week blogging stuff so i'll be back again next FRIDAY for an all new blog!  i don't know if i'm making this permanent yet but for now once a week is all you're gonna be lucky enough to have of me.  So enjoy you're weekend and i'll cya next Friday!

Cya, follow @migueljose_85 on Twitter and