Tuesday, November 25, 2014

i come with that ol' loco style from my vocal, couldn't peep it with a pair of bi-focals. i'm no joker! Play me as a joker. Be on you like a house on fire, smoke ya! Crews be actin like they gangs anyway, be like, "Warriors! Come out and playiyay!" - Old Dirty Bastard "Shame on a Nigga"


What is up kids?

So is everyone ready for the big holiday this week?  And no i'm not talking about Thanksgiving, because i know no one cares about that holiday. i'm talking about "Black Friday," the biggest and greatest shopping day of the year!

And just in case you've never read this blog before or my sarcasm isn't coming off the way i'm hoping it is, i f*cking HATE Black Friday and everything it stands for.  Because first of all it's extremely racist, as everyone should be calling it "African American Friday" and not Black Friday.  But besides that, the idea of standing outside in the freezing cold for hours on end with other miserable angry ahole Americans just to get a cheaper game system or television instead of spending time with your family or even just to be alone in your warm bed is f*cking INSANITY to me.
And dont' get me wrong, i love me a good deal.  For instance i always go shopping in the "Clearance" racks at stores and don't think i have ever paid full price for an article of clothing ever.  But as much as i love a good sale, you will NEVER find me out in the crowd during  Black Friday.  Mostly because people are insane, uncaring maniacs who will stampede over you just to get a cheap toy and/or gadget.  And i must admit, i actually enjoy the fact that people get hurt during these Black Friday sales.  Mostly because i'm hoping that if enough people get hurt then maybe Americans will  finally start to understand how f'n stupid it is to "celebrate" this moronic holiday and learn that buying crap we don't need isn't the best way to say i love you. 
But whatever, i know what i'm saying is falling on deaf ears.   Most of you can't wait until Black Friday and will have no problem leaving Thanksgiving dinner early to go spend your holiday at any of the bull$hit stores that are open.  You know, the ones where the owners of the Corporations will be with their families getting richer while the rest of us are either working or in line for garbage products.  So yeah my point here isn't to change anyone's mind because i know i won't. i just want you to be aware of how stupid you are being and to let you know that as far as the game of life goes you are losing badly if this Thursday and Friday revolve around spending money on uselss crap.  So now that you know this we can get to the nonsense already!


- They say that Christmas is the time of miracles but apparently they are starting early this year when Odell Beckham Jr made the GREATEST football catch of all time Sunday night!  If you haven't seen it yet you are blowing it in life but you can redeem yourself by watching it here now!

And yeah the Giants still lost the game to the Cowgirls, and yeah the David Tyree catch happened in the Super Bowl so it might be better.  All i know is Odell Beckham Jr is the gddamn man, and the fact that is nickname is "ODB" is the best $hit ever!  And if the Giants organization was smart they would play "Shimmy Shimmy Ya" or "Got Your Money" every single time he scores!  Do it Big Blue!

-  So i have an admission that i need to make to the ladies, and i'm doing this even though every guy will hate me for doing so.  But i write this blog to drop as much knowledge and laughter as i possibly can for everyone, and there is something that i think all of the women out there need to know.  And that's that all of us guys pee their pants.  ALL of us.  Every single day.  And no it's not on purpose!  It's just that when we're done taking a pee at a urinal, no matter how much we shake our best friend out, once we put him back in our pants we almost always end up with a little wet spot on our crotch.  Which may sound gross i guess, but there is literally nothing we can do about it.  Because even if we wait until we're completely done draining the lizard, no matter how hard and fast we shake our own personal trouser snake before we put him back in the cage we still have a little wet spot right in the crotchal region on our khakis every single time.
And speaking of khakis, they are the WORST pants to wear when pissing at a urinal!  Especially the super light tan ones, because then the world can see every single drop of urine as clear as day.  In fact, most of us have even perfected the art of washing our hands and splashing water on our crotch, so this way instead of it looking like we have urine drops on our pants we can just be like, "hey, it's the water from washing our hands!  It is DEFINITELY not urine that you're looking at!"  And this is also the reason we love jeans so much, because pee barely shows up on them if at all.  And i feel like most girls had no clue about this little tidbit, and i bet if you ask your man he will deny it to his grave.  But you can trust me your humble narrator when i tell you that all guys pee their pants whether they will admit it or not, i'm just the one who is brave enough to admit it to the world! And stupid and gross enough to do so as well i guess...

- So i'm thinking about going gluten free, because it sounds fun and trendy and you know i love doing whatever fad the American public is currently into! And i think i've figured out what foods i'm allowed to eat but i did have one question.  If i was a gay man which i am DEFINTIELY NOT!  Would i be allowed to go down on a guy who wasn't gluten free?  Like if i got romantic with a guy who just ate a dozen bagels and ate an entire pie filled with cream, would i also then be swallowing gluten down my throat when he gave me his own personal cream pie in my mouth?  And please, before you get offended or shocked by this image please just know this is a hypothetical and i'm just curious about the best way to stay off of gluten.  Because the last thing i would want would be to stay away from gluten in foods but then ruin it all be enjoying the creamy sauce of a man whose favorite food is pasta! 

Was that last bit too much?  Oh well, you only get one blog this week because of the holiday so i gotta make it count!

Fast Food Tips - Now i repost this next bit every Thanksgiving which means i know you all want me to keep the tradition going!  And yes it also means that i'm super lazy and this bit is super funny and delicious so i'm going to give it to you again.  So enjoy!

What if i told you there was a way you could combine White Castle with the best holiday of the year?  "Holy S miguel i'd crap my pants in glee!"  Well you're in luck my friends, because straight from White Castle's website i give you the recipe for "White Castle Turkey Stuffing!" 
So to all of you who have thought, "i enjoy Thanksgiving and i love taking a big steamy dump after all is said and done, but i kinda wish i could take bigger and longer deuces to make the holiday last even longer"  To those of you who thought that enjoy your White Castle stuffing and thank me later!  And oh yeah those of you who thought that... MAN do you have problems!  But you have come to the right blog.   And the best thing about this stuffing is that it's good for the kids as well!
And that's it for me today kids!  i hope everyone has a fantastic week, as i won't be returning until next Tuesday with an all new blog.  But for real, try to realize everything that you have to be thankful for in this life this Thursday.  Because if you really think about it we are the luckiest gddamn people on the entire planet.  Imagine being lucky enough to be born in America, with all of your limbs and fingers and toes with somewhat good health and access to all of the best television and comedy and food in the world.  i know it's easy to get caught up in all of life's bull$hit like bills and social status, but Thanksgiving is a great time to chill out and think about all of the stuff we do have because trust me it is a LOT.  Which is the main reason you don't need to end the holiday early to go out and get more stuff!

But whatever you do i hope you all have the best holiday, i hope you eat turkey until you f*cking explode stuffing all over your living room and if you're not in a food coma next Tuesday don't forget to read an all new blog!

Friday, November 21, 2014

People who see life as anything more then pure entertainment are missing the point - George Carlin


What is up kids?

Well it was the longest week in gddamn history, but lucky for us it's over and it's finally Friday!!  Hallef*ckinglluah!

And i hope you all have great plans for the weekend!  And by "great" i mean i hope they involve a ton of alcohol and/or the safe but illegal substances of your choice.  Just no pills though, because none of you should trust anything made in a lab, including meth!  And don't do cocaine or most other powders, because besides doing nothing to expand your mind it'll just turn you into a nonstop talking a$$hole and no one will want to be around you.  And also don't do anything you have to inject, because if you need a needle to get you high then you have some serious problems and should seek help.  Speaking of which, none of you out of ANY circumstances should do heroin, EVER!  i don't care how great you think it makes you feel, it's f'n total garbage and ruins everyone's life who uses it.  i mean seriously, can anyone name the one success story about someone who used heroin?  At least with meth i can name one person whose life became better because of it!
So yeah basically i'm telling you to either drink alcohol or smoke weed, or do them both if you've got nothing to do tomorrow.  And it shouldn't be "shocking" that i'm saying this because for real, can't we all just be grown ups and admit that there's nothing wrong with smoking weed?  And i don't  mean just in Amsterdam, or Colorado, or Oregon and Washington State/D.C. where it's legal.  Because even in New York it's totally legal to carry around a big bag of weed these days!  Just as long as you don't smoke it or roll it into a joint, because then you will get arrested.  Now this may sound pretty silly and about that you are correct, which is why If you have the time now you should watch the SNL skit which explains this new NY law about weed perfectly and hilariously...
So yeah, do whatever you want this weekend as far as booze and marijuana goes, even though i'm totally talking about this subject despite the fact that i CLEARLY know nothing about "taking the pot" personally.  i mean Mary Jane, do i look like someone who would smoke marijuana?  Smokers are jokers! 
But whatever your drug of choice is as long as it's one of the two aforementioned ones i just talked about then i hope you drink and smoke and chug and blaze whatever you wish.  Because it's Friday, you ain't got no job, and you ain't got $hit to do!  Except for read my nonsense of course!


- So hopefully everyone is going out to a happy hour or a party or doing SOMETHING tonight, but if you aren't then you should make sure to watch Joe Rogan's new stand up comedy special "Rocky Mountain High" on Comedy Central tonight at midnight!
It's a brand new hour of comedy so if you've never seen his stand up before or only know Rogan from Fear Factor and/or the UFC you should definitely check it out.  Because Rogan is the gddamn MONEY and is literally one of the most interesting people on the face of the Earth.  "Really miguel?  You're telling me the guy who made people eat animal penises for money is a funny stand up comic?" Yes, that's exactly what i'm telling you.  And besides his special tonight you should also listen to his podcast, "The Joe Rogan Experience" because it is something that has changed my life and if you're a cool person and open to new ideas it might change yours as well.  Plus me and Rogan are great friends, so do me a favor and what my buddy's comedy special tonight!
 - Can we please make a store that ONLY sells cigarettes and lottery tickets? This way when i stop to get a quick coffee and/or bagel on my way to the office i don't have to wait an extra 45 minutes while these pathetic lowlifes go through all of their losing lottery tickets only to spend the $3 they do end up winning on more lottery tickets, and i also won't have to sit and watch these unhealthy guys who want to slowly kill themselves with cigarettes explain for an hour their specific brand of cancer sticks that the clerk can never seem to find.  My transaction should only take about 20 seconds tops, but instead i have to wait for these broke ass hopefuls and uneducated suicidal maniacs purchase their vices and make me late for work.  And honestly, i don't care if you go broke wasting your money on scratch offs or die a horrible cancer filled death while your lungs and heart turn black and your rotted teeth fall out of your disgusting mouth, just hurry the f*ck up already!!!
- Speaking of getting coffee, i think it's totally ghetto that Dunkin Donuts has those "one napkin at a time" dispensers that only let's you take one napkin at a time.  C'mon jerks!  My entire house used to be filled with Dunkin Donuts napkins because i used to take all of them every time i went there, and now i can't do that because you changed it to those one at a time dispensers!  Help a brother out!  And yes i realize people like me are the reason you had to change your napkin dispensers.  But whatever, i'm sending 3 dollars on a stupid coffee i think i'm entitled to as many free napkins as i want!  And until you put your sugar packets in a "one packet at a time" dispenser i'm taking all of them $hits too!

A Great Name for a Punk Band!  "Projectile Volume"  That one was from Rob, and one of the few bands names ever that wasn't penis related which is why i'm using it. 

Fast Food Tips - So White Castle has 3 new desserts for only 99 cents, and coincidentally their names are exactly the same as the nicknames that i had in college!  And that's the "Fudge Dipped Brownie," "Fudge Dipped Cheesecake," and "Gooey Butter Cake."  Speaking of that last one, people used to say the same things about me that the tagline says about this dessert, and that's "Grab a Gooey Cake Before it's Gone!"   
And i'm a big fan of getting dessert at White Castle.  Not only because it's wonderfully delicious, but mainly because if you're eating White Castle you have already made the commitment to punish your stomach and/or butthole.  So why cheap out when it comes to dessert?  You owe it to your anus to finish the job!
And that's it for me today kids!  i'll be back on Tuesday with my only blog of the week, but until then have the best weekend, drink and smoke any drugs you wish as long you listen to my advice and don't forget to share this blog with people you love to make their life better with laughter!  It couldn't hurt to try, could it?

See you Tuesday!  @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

I believe you can joke about anything. It all depends on how you construct the joke. What the exaggeration is. Because every joke needs one exaggeration. Every joke needs one thing to be way out of proportion. Give you an example. Did you ever see a news story like this in the paper? Every now and then you run into a story, says, "some guy broke into a house, stole a lot of things, and while he was in there, he raped an 81 year old woman." And I'm thinking to myself, "WHY??? - George Carlin


What is up kids?

Well it's Tuesday, and it's freaking brizza to the rizza!   And that means "brick" to you white people, which means "cold" to the rest of you who just don't get it.  Although speaking of cold, has everyone heard the story about what's happening to the penguins on our planet these days?  Apparently there are seals in the Antarctic that are raping and forcing penguins into sex and sometimes killing them after they are done.  And no i'm not kidding, and yes this story is completely real.
And i bring up this up not to make a commentary on rape, nor am i here to do any hacky rape jokes.  Because while i do agree with the Carlin quote that i used to start off this blog, that anyone can joke about anything and that it all depends on how you construct the joke, i would also have to admit that many to most of the comedians today who try to do rape jokes are rarely funny.  And unless you have the most original take on it ever it's really not worth joking about, because it will probably come off as offensive and not funny anyway.  
But i wanted to bring up this story today just so you guys would actually have to ponder about this going on right now on planet Earth, and realize that maybe we should all realize that we don't have it as bad as we think we do.  Because while we sit and worry about our bills, and our car problems, and school loans, and long hours at work and teaching our children to be good people, there are penguins out there that are getting raped by seals.  And that's definitely not something you think about every day!
So i hope everyone has a great week, and i don't know how you can't when i gave you this tremendous fun fact that you can share with everyone you know.  But yeah sometimes i write about growing up, sometimes it's my disappointment in people who don't participate in the Democratic process and don't vote, and sometimes i just want to tell you about some penguins who certainly don't have Happy Feet.  Although speaking of happy, happy Tuesday everyone!


- Can someone tell me what is up with people who can't say "hi" when you walk right by them?  i mean honestly, are you really that much better then me as a human being that you can't just look up and smile or say a polite "hello?"  And normally i'm not someone who wants to interact with other people, nor am i big on all of the rules of etiquette that we're all supposed to follow.  i mean when it comes to which side of the plate the soup spoon goes on, or having to drink wine out of an actual wine glass and not a big red solo cup, those are rules that i just don't really care about following.  Even though i do understand the purpose of those societal norms, i find most of them boring and unnecessary and i don't find the need to partake in them.

But saying "hi" to someone when you're walking right by them isn't a societal norm or just a dumb rule to follow to me, it's being a decent enough person to acknowledge someones existence as they cross your path on the same little space we both occupy on this giant blue green ball we're floating around space on.  So either look up and say "hello" or "good morning" or at least give me an acknowledging smile or i will think you are a miserable angry C rag who makes the planet worse for everyone around you.  And oh yeah, you might not say hello but when you leave i'll have zero problem saying...

- Hey people who wear ipod buds in their ears while driving a car, can you f*cking stop that dangerous and unnecessary $hit already please?  NO ONE is a good enough driver that they don't need to be able to hear their surroundings.  Don't people realize how much crazy bull$hit that can happen out there on the road, especially out of NOWHERE?  But no, you won't notice any of that because you're caught up in your own little world of Taylor Swift and Mumford and Sons. Oh well, that'll be a great soundtrack to your screaming fire filled death while you're texting and listening to awful music! 

"Facebook Etiquette"- We already missed it but if you didn't know yesterday was "National Unfriend Day." Which is apparently a holiday that Jimmy Kimmel made up but makes a LOT of sense, because we ALL have a bunch of people that we are friends with on Facebook that we have no idea why we are.  You know, the kind of people that your friends on Facebook with but if you ever saw in person you would turn and walk the other way before you would ever bother saying hello.  Or those friends on Facebook that you don't even care enough to write "Happy Birthday" on their wall.  These are the kinds of people you should unfriend on this holiday, along with moms who only post pictures of their kids and the hard right wing conservative who believes guns are the only right people should have in this country.  
Although speaking of unfriending, you'd better all go "Like" and become friends with me on my "Here Comes the Money..." Facebook page!  Go like it and enjoy even more free humor NOW!
Click here or above to like my page and show what a huge fan you are of my blog!  Or because you like the ruthless humor Jay John posts on there on all the time.

A Great Name for a Punk Band!  "The Fatty Boombalaties"   Is that an actual band name already?  i'm too lazy to Google it so someone else do it and get back to me.

Fast Food Tips -  Do you guys know how to tell if eggs are fresh or not?  i had a conversation recently about fresh eggs because i'm a stupid grown up now and that's what stupid grown ups do.  But i was intrigued to hear how amazing super fresh eggs taste and now i'm kind of obsessed with them.  Anyways if you are obsessed with fresh eggs now too here is a helpful chart to help increase your insanity!

"Here’s another question I have: how come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelet? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden?" 
- George Carlin

And yeah i know i've posted that egg bit before, but this was fun and innovative way to start my blog with a Carlin rape joke and end it with a Carlin abortion joke.  And again, i didn't do it to make a social commentary, i did it because this is America and we have freedom of speech!  Stop acting like the right to bear arms is the only God given right in this country, i should be able write and talk about  whatever i want and today that's what i did.

So i hope you enjoyed it but even if you didn't you should come back on Friday for an all new blog just because.  So i'll see you all on Friday!

Cya, follow @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Friday, November 14, 2014

Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt! It is so big. She looks like one of those rap guys' girlfriends. They only talk to her because she looks like a total prostitute, 'kay? I mean her butt is just so big. I can't believe it's just so round, it's like, out there. I mean— gross. Look! She's just so... black! - "Baby Got Back"


What is up kids?

"i'll tell you what's up you silly Hispanic comedy blogger, did you see that picture of Kim Kardashian's ass that's going around the interwebs?!? OMG miguel look at that butt!"
Yeah yeah i saw it.  And i will definitely admit it is one nice photo shopped ass, especially for a woman who is a new mother!  Although i know most of my white readers can't handle a heiney that big.  On the flip side however, every minority male that saw that picture went from 6 to 12 in their pants IMMEDIATELY!
And to be honest the debate on liking big asses bores me, as we all know big asses are the best thing EVER and to think otherwise is nonsense.  i mean they didn't come up with phrase "more cushin for the pushin" because guys DON'T like big asses!  And even if big asses intimidate you it's okay you silly white people.  Just find a petite girl who is nothing but bones and do your best with your tiny penis to make her happy!
All jokes aside though, there is one thing that bothers me about this whole "ordeal" with these Kim Kardashian pictures, and that's how f'n CRAZY social media is going over this.  i mean for real, it's just a big ass people!  F'n RELAX!!!  Plus i really have to wonder if everyone on all of the talk radio shows and news outlets and TMZ type programs realize that Kim Kardashian already has a bunch of other nude pictures out there on the interwebs.  And oh yeah, she also already has a gddamn SEX TAPE!!!  One in which she gets banged every which way in the majority of her body cavities and ends up leaving with a gorgeous pearl necklace.  In fact, shes' been plucked more times then the Rose of Tralee, biggest whore on Fifth avenue i'm told!  Props to anyone but Rob who gets that reference.
But seriously, can everyone in the media and/or the American public in general PLEASE stop being so gddamn lame?  Why is there so much attention dedicated to the Kardashians anyway, do people really give a f*ck about that family?  i swear, i'll never understand it, just as much as i'll never understand these people who HATE celebrities like Kim Kardashian and Justin Bieber.  Why would you waste your time bothering to hate these people you've never met?  If anything it would make sense to me if you hated all of the people who put these talentless fools on a pedestal, rather then hating the actual celebrity themselves.  It's the brain dead public that feeds into their awfulness and buys their products and goes to their shows that make these people so famous, and without the American public and without the media blowing smoke up their apparently GIGANTIC asses all of these "famous" people would be nothing.  So again, wouldn't it make sense more to hate the people that make these "stars" famous and rich instead of hating the "stars" themselves?  That would make more sense to me.

But the truth is i know why people hate these "celebrities" so much, and it's because people LOVE to judge others, ESPECIALLY famous people. There is nothing better for most people then to sit on their couch like a fat ass and watch all of these "Access Hollywood" or "E news daily" shows and then either laugh at them or get mad at whatever these famous people are up to now.  And i'll never understand why it gives so many so much pleasure to hate on people that they have never met, but the sad truth is that they love to do it and it's only getting worse.
But if i have any advice to those of you that get SO UPSET at what these celebrities are up to or what "scandalous" pictures they are posting now, it would be to just f*cking relax and finally think to yourself, who gives a f*cking $hit about these people?  And for real, shame on you for getting SO mad at someone like Kim Kardashian or Justin Bieber instead of realizing that being a "celebrity" is all nonsense anyway and has no importance on real life.  So why hate on Kim Kardashian?  Because she's rich without having any talent?  i get that it's annoying to someone who works hard like most of us to see someone make a sex tape and then be filthy rich the rest of her life but whatever, worry about yourself instead of caring who gets rich by being lucky.  Or getting lucky in Kim's case.

And while i'm at it, why hate on Justin Bieber? Because he's an arrogant a$$hole teenager who makes poor decisions and gets a ton of chicks?  i've got news for you, we were ALL annoying ahole teenagers.  Most of us just weren't lucky enough to be filthy rich while being one.  So instead of getting SO angry at people like Kim and Justin, why not instead just realize WHO GIVES A F*CKING $HIT and just worry about yourself and your family and friends and loved ones and stop getting sucked into the NONSENSE the media tries to get you care about?  And oh yeah, don't give me any of that "they are role models" garbage.  If your kids look up to idiots like Bieber or these awful sports stars that are always getting in trouble then i got news for you, you're a $hitty parent and you need to teach your kids what real role models are supposed to be.
You people need to learn that it is an option to just not care about this bull$hit, i know that most people can't and don't realize this.  But me personally?  i've never heard the new Taylor Swift song "Shake it Off" nor have i ever heard the theme song from the movie "Frozen." How have i been lucky enough to avoid this you're asking?  By not giving a f*cking $hit!
And one last note before i get to my nonsense, and that's that people really need to stop and think about all of the stuff that gets them so upset.  Because if you're spending a lot of your days hating on famous people like the Kardashians and/or Justin Bieber then you are really wasting a lot of energy towards something that doesn't deserve or need it.  Never forget that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.  So if you "hate" these celebrities you are contributing to the problem more then you are helping it.  Me on the other hand, doesn't give a f*ck about any of this, and when i go to sleep at night i don't bother thinking about any of these ahole celebrities at all!  Except for maybe Kim because of this new picture of her gigantic sweet booty.  But you can't blame me, i like big butts and i cannot lie!


- Speaking of going from 6 to 12 in your pants, can anyone else believe that the 80's sitcom "Growing Pains" got away with having a character named "Boner" on the show?  How did they get away with that?  And yeah i know his name was Richard "Stabone," so technically "Boner" could be just a fun nickname.  But c'mon folks, we all know what it meant!  And how funny is it that his first name was Richard? His name was literally "Dick Boner!"  Which now that i mention it would be a fantastic porn star name.  In fact, the only one that i know off hand that is better then that is my own personal porn star name, the one you get by using the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on.  Although if my girlfriend finds out about my secret past as "Sunshine Dakota" she might never forgive me! 
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE -  If it's your girlfriend's birthday, it's pretty ghetto to just give her a gift card as a present.  And it's even ghettoer to just give her straight up cash, like you can't throw a bunch of 20's in a card and be like "Happy birthday!" It's extremely impersonal and it's just a very tasteless gift.  But i have to say that really sucks, because even though it's ghetto it is also the BEST gift ever!  i mean who doesn't want gift cards and cash?  Everybody does!  Why would she want you buying her that lingerie that's not even her size, or that scarf you thought looked "cool!" but really isn't at all and she would never be caught dead wearing it in a million years?  Of course she doesn't want that garbage, just give her the cash!

 But you can't do that, because if her parents or family ask her "What did he get you for your birthday?" and she tells them "A Victoria Secret giftcard and $120 in twenties!" She and her family will think you're a real creepo and a big bag of douche.  But that's the worst because again, cash is the best gift and also it's the EASIEST one to get her!!  It's win win for everyone!  Except for the boyfriend that everyone hates of course.
A Great Name for a Punk Band! "The Where With Alls"   i know, i know, i'm pushing it with that one.  Here's a way better name...

A Great Name for a Punk Band! "The Tough Cookies" 
 See?  i told you!

- Before when i was looking for a funny "Frozen" pic this meme came up and it made me laugh so i'm posting it hoping it will do the same for you.  i know it will!

 Fast Food Tips -  How many times have you been eating Doritos and drinking Mountain Dew and have thought, "You know, i love this food and this beverage but i really wish that i could consume them both at the same time because i'm a psychopath!"  Yeah i know, too many times to count.  Well count no longer because your chance to finally live your dream is here NOW!
And by "dream" i mean nightmare, because Mountain Dew is garbage and adding Doritos to them will only make them taste worse and make me $hit faster.  But at least i'll have all the energy i need to blast the Dew out my butt cheeks with all of the sugar and calories from this monstrosity!  And on a side note, this country needs to relax with their "new" ideas for food already.  For REAL!
And that's it for me today kids!  i hope everyone enjoyed today's blog, i had some computer problems before and it was hard for me to get this up.  "That's wha..." Don't.  Just don't.  

But anyways i hope everyone has the money weekend, enjoy this freezing cold weather and i'll see you kids on Tuesday for an all new blog!

Cya Tuesday, Follow @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

It's so cool, it's so hip, it's alright, It's so groovy, it's outta sight. You can touch it, smell it, taste it so sweet, But it makes no difference cause it knocks you off your feet - Faith No More "Epic"


You want it all but you can't have it.
It's in your face but you can't grab it...

What is up kids?

So i know my birthday a few months ago but i finally have to admit it, i really think i'm starting to grow up.  Like for real, i'm a borderline adult these days and i don't know how i feel about it.  And i mean yeah i kinda new it was gonna happen eventually, and i know it's something that EVERYONE has to do apparently.  But for the longest time i never thought it would catch up with me, mostly because i thought i'd be dead by now!
And before any of you think this is about to start turning into a lame "Mommy" blog from now on you can f'n relax.  Because i still love boozing heavily, and when i do i still love drinking when it's in "game" form. And by that i mean i love playing beer pong, doing shot guns, pounding funnels, doing power hours, basically anything that turns drinking into a game.  i mean yeah don't get me wrong, i have no problem just sitting on the couch in my boxers and casually drinking Natty lights until i wake up in a pile of my own puke and bodily fluids.  Or at least i think that's my own pile...
But i find it WAY more fun to be drinking while doing an activity, because then i get all fired up for a competition and i get all loud and rowdy and become way more fun!  And by "fun" i mean obnoxious and angry and annoying to be around, which is probably the reason i've made the switch to drinking wine instead of beer and/or Red Bul and Vodka.  Because now instead of being a classless dirtbag who drinks cheap 30 packs of light beer for $13 i can now drink $8 wine like a classy f*ck! 
Although if there is one drawback to drinking wine for me it's that i'm just now learning that it's definitely tougher to play drinking games when you're drinking wine, because for some reason wine is just too hard to do funnels of and/or pound in general.  "Probably because you're a big sweaty vagina and can't handle drinking fermented grapes because it makes your pu$$y hurt!  Did you ever think that might be the reason that it's harder to play drinking games with wine?"  To be honest the answer is yes, yes i did think that is the reason

So yeah the sand in my vagina is definitely one reason i can't pound wine the way i pound beers, but like i said before it also might be because i'm finally growing up.  i don't find the need to get blackout drunk anymore, i don't find the need to pound brews until i'm fighting with my friends and throwing up at puke park across the street, and i don't find the need to go to happy hour every week because i just don't care anymore.  And yeah maybe i don't really have a point to this rant, other then to admit to you all that i drink wine now.  And i guess i also just wanted to admit that despite my lameness these days inside i'll forever be a frat boy meathead who wants to drink Natty light in a beer pong tournament until i'm on all 4's puking into my shower drain trying to push the chunks of White Castle pieces that i ate at 4 in the morning through the drain. So don't let my adult body and clothes and responsibilities fool you, i may look an act like an adult these days but i'm still just a big gddamn kid! 


-  Want to try a fun and interesting experiment?  Just take the date of your birth, and/or anyone else's birthday for that matter, and go back exactly 9 months from when you were born to check out what songs were #1 at the time of your conception.  This way you'll have a better idea as to what music was playing when you were conceived!  And by conceived i mean that your daddy dropped his love juice inside your mommy.  And oh yeah, before when i said this experiment was "fun" and "interesting" i really meant it was "disgusting" and "day ruining."  That's my bad, i'm not great with words sometimes. Which is a huge reason why i call everything the "Money!"  That and the movie "Swingers" is still one of my favorites of all time
A Great Name for a Punk Band! "The High Horses"

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE- How can Republicans be so against abortion yet also be against free health care for people?  Is life sacred or not?  You can't only care about a person's life when they are in the womb, and then stop caring as soon as they are born.  And how can Republicans also be so against gay marriage?  How can they say marriage is sacred in a country where over 50% of them end up in divorce, plus you have shows like "The Bachelorette" and "Who wants to Marry a Millionaire?"  i'll tell you how, because they only care about their agenda and they don't really care about people's lives.  If you did care about people you would want them to have free health care and you would support people who loved each other getting married.  And don't get me wrong, i think Democrats are big pu$$y douchebags too.  But at least they fought for health care and fight for gays to have the right the marry.  Everyone else needs to get out of other peoples business and grow up already.
- Have all of you heard of a "cronut" before?  If you haven't it's a cross between a donut and a croissant, which means it's a donut that surrenders at the first sign of trouble.  Haha do you get it?  It's because a croissant is french!

Anyways, apparently Dunkin Donuts is getting in on this fad and have now released their own version of a croissant donut, which is the exactly the same thing as a cronut except Dunkin Donuts is trying to be all fancy and cool and not call it that and just call it a croissant donut.  From what i hear people are big fans of it but i haven't tried it yet because i don't care what American runs on.  My ass runs on Starbucks!  So i'll try it when i can and get back to you all but for now i just wanted to give you the heads up!
And that's it for me today kids!  i hope everyone has a great week and i'll see you kids back here on Friday for an all new blog!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter