Wednesday, October 1, 2014

South of the border, down Mexico way. That's where I fell in love, when the stars above came out to play. And now as I wander, my thoughts ever stray. South of the border, down Mexico way - Frank Sinatra


THE BLOG WHERE i GO DOWN.  SOUTH.

What is up kids?


So i'm sorry i'm posting this a day late, i got caught up for a hot minute.  And by "caught up" i mean i was too tired the other night to finish this and then i had work early in morning so i just couldn't write it.  And oh yeah, LAY OFF ME I'M STARVING!
 
Anyways... i probably should have told this story i'm about to tell you over the summer when it was hot out and people were still taking vacations.  But whatever, lucky for you you're gonna hear it now!  But this story is really for all of the people who live in the tri-state area and have ever made the drive to Florida in their car.  Has anyone else made this HORRIFIC nightmare of a car ride?  i can remember the first and last time i drove it, and by drive it i mean i was 11 years old and i made the trip in the back seat of my dad's station wagon with me and my little sister Rachael and brother Tomas jammed in the back seat.
 
Now if you're too young to know what a station wagon is just picture the nice big SUV that your family has now.  You know, the one where everyone in the family has plenty of room and you also have a television in the back so that you can play DVD's so that the kids can watch a movie instead of going crazy for a 24 hour ride?  Now go ahead and picture the exact OPPOSITE of that! Goodness gracious riding in those cars was the worst!  And riding with your siblings stacked on top of you made it even more unbearable!  You literally have more room sitting Coach in the middle seat between two fat guys on a US airways flight to Atlanta.  "Hey tons of fun!  Are YOU one of the fat guys that you're referring too in this example?  Because trust me, it's definitely no fun being next to you on a plane, a bus, a car, or any form of transportation for that matter!" 

You may have a point, but i'm not talking about me as i am now.  i'm talking about when i was a skinny little Mexican jumping bean riding in the back of a station wagon with my little brother and sister.  And i don't remember much from that ride, but i do remember that it was terrible, and that it was so f*cking BORING.  Holy $hitballs is that a boring drive!  In fact, the only excitement to be had on a trip to Florida is reading all of the "South of the Border" billboards that you start seeing about 500 miles before you even get to the North/South Carolina border.  

For real, is there a more brain washing advertising technique in all of human history?  If you are driving to Florida it is IMPOSSIBLE not to stop at South of the Border!  Forget for the kids, even as an adult you're reading a new sign for this place every two minutes and are convinced that you need to go there.  It doesn't matter if all of the kids are sleeping when you finally get there, because after those billboards fill your head with South of the Border nonsense for 11 hours straight you're going to motherf*cking stop there!

And the funniest thing about all of it is that South of the Border sucks!  i literally don't remember one fun thing about that place, unless you count me getting sick when eating at whatever restaurant we went too there.  But yeah you can call South of the Border the "prom" of places to go because there is ALL of this insane build up to it and the payoff literally sucks ass.  Although when you do finally get sucked into going there, make sure you get a "South of the Border" bumper sticker so that anyone who sees your car knows that you also got roped into that awful destination and went through that hell together.  Because it sure is nice to know that we're ALL dicks! 

RANDOM NONSENSE

-  So i never really understood the phrase, "i wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy!" Because OF COURSE i would wish that on my worst enemy!  What kind of "worst" enemies do you guys have that you actually feel bad for them?  i wish all sorts of $hit on my worst enemy.  Cancer, car wrecks, Ebola, massive diarrhea attacks, you name it.  Now don't get me wrong, i don't wish that stuff on most people.  But my worst enemy?  You'd better hope i don't find a genie in a bottle, because my first wish is going to be ass cancer on you!  And yes my second wish will be for infinite more wishes, i understand how this process works!
The Guy Who F*CKED Me In Fantasy Football This Week...  When i had the third overall pick in my fantasy football draft i thought i had lucked out by getting Lesean McCoy.  But for real, McCoy is straight up McMURDERING me!  And the worst thing about it is that i f'n hate the Eagles with a passion.  So not only do i have to root for someone on one of my most hated teams, but then i get double F'd when he puts up zero points and i lose to the tallest and sexiest Jewish guy in my fantasy league.  So F you to the Eagles and F you to McCoy for McF*cking in the McAss left and right in fantasy football.  And F you to every Philly sport team too while i'm at it, that is a miserable town with awful fans and i'm using my third wish on massive diarrhea attacks for all of you! 
Fast Food Tips - After finally realizing their coffee is second rate at best, Dunkin Donuts is actually trying to get my business by introducing their new "Dark" roast coffee. And no, that doesn't mean this coffee is for minorities only.  It means that DD finally realizes their weak ass brew isn't good enough for those of us who actually need to wake up in the morning and they will now be selling a dark brew to give me the cocaine like jolt i need to be awake and aware at my desk at 9 a.m.  They were actually giving free samples of it away Monday, but if you missed out on that they are also selling Medium Dark Roasts for 99 cents for most of October.  i've had two of these dark brews already i must admit they are pretty money, and that's coming from a Starbucks snob!  So if you're forced to go to Dunkin make sure you pick up one of these and you will not be sorry!  Except for the runs you will get for drinking dark coffee, because America gets the runs from Dunkin!
And that's it for me today kids! Again my apologies for posting this a day late, my access to computers is limited these days but hopefully this doesn't become a problem going forward.  But one thing that isn't limited is the free ha-ha's i put out for all of you twice a week, so while i am sorry i blew it with posting this on time at least it didn't cost you anything.  Except for the 99 cent medium dark roast coffee you spilled all over yourself from laughing so hard!

But have a great hump day and i'll see you kids on Friday with an all new blog!  Hopefully!

Cya Friday, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Friday, September 26, 2014

Who am i, what and why? 'Cause all i have left is my memories of yesterday. Oh these sour times... 'Cause nobody loves me, it's true. Not like you do. - Portishead "Sour Times"

LATER DEREK!

What is up kids?

So did everyone see that AMAZING game last night?!?  i mean holy cow what an incredible ending, it literally couldn't have been more perfect!  But what else can you expect from such a classy World Champion?  i mean we all knew Eli would lead the Giants to a victory against those racist Washington Redskins because Eli is a TRUE New York sports hero!  Oh wait, what game did you think i was talking about?  A baseball game?  Who watches baseball anymore?  i was watching my G-Men smack Jewell's Redskins around. Although i will say i sure do dig their new logo...
C'mon, JEWELL!!
Haha just kidding.  Of course i'm talking about Derek Jeter's last game in the Bronx!  i only wrote that to make every single Yankee fan get angry for a second.  But i'm not one of those bitter Met fans that hate Derek Jeter.  i'm one of those bitter met fans that think Jeter is the epitome of class and one of the greatest sports icons of all time!  For real, it doesn't get any classier then Derek Jeter!  And by "classy" i mean he always gives an autographed baseball to any of the random whorebags he bangs and then kicks out of his house.  Now THAT is classy!

And to you Yankee fans who want to shed a tear now that your baseball idol is gone, do not fret!  There are much bigger things to worry about in life, like the fact that no one cares about baseball anymore!  Or what about the fact that our country is in another war right now and we STILL let that walking pile of dog $hit Dick Cheney tell us what we should do even after he got EVERYTHING wrong with the first war he took us into?  Or how about the fact that many people believe in the bible, which for some reason says NOTHING about all of the other millions of planets and stars and galaxies there are in the universe and only talks about our small floating blue and green rock?  And oh yeah, when i said "millions" i really meant infinite!
But yeah anyways good for Jeets for going out on a high note, although for those of you calling it a "perfect" ending let's not forget the fact that this over $200 million payroll team didn't even make the playoffs for only the second time in Jeter's career.  You would think a "perfect" ending would involve a World Series game of some sort.  Let's just say last night was a "happy" ending for Jeter!  And i'm glad that all you Yankee fans got to give it to him!

But before we start this awesome weekend, i'd like to post an old bit i wrote about Jeter a year ago that just seems fitting to post again now.  It's the least i can do as a Mets fan to show my respect to one of the greatest New York baseball players of all time.  Happy Friday everyone!

- So it's very rare that i get to say goodbye to an "Icon" in these blogs, especially considering it feels like just yesterday that i did my best to give a "fond farewell" to  television "legend" Jay Leno.  But today i feel it is my "honor" to pay "tribute" to one of New York's most "amazing" athletes of our time.  Derek Jeter not only won 5 World Championship Rings playing for the team with the highest payroll of all time, but even more importantly then that he was able to never get married and stay a bachelor, lining up a bevy of beauties that only Leo and Clooney can compete with.  And oh yeah the Indian guy from "That 70's Show" has an amazing list too for some reason...
But if you didn't hear the news, this "greatest Yankee of all time" is calling it quits after this season, so lucky for us we get to watch ANOTHER season of teams kissing ass and giving presents to another Yankee after watching it game after game with Mariano last year.  Can someone please tell me when this trend started in baseball?  Since when do teams do that for retiring players?  Or is that something just the Yankees made up?  Oh, just the Yankees do this kind of nonsense?  Oh well, they have the most championships and highest payroll in all of sports so i guess they can do whatever they want.  The same way i can say "good bye" to Derek in any way that i want on this blog, and in a way that i find very fitting right now. And that is to say to Derek Jeter, from the bottom of my heart....
LATER DICK!


RANDOM NONSENSE

- Since Jeter is all anyone can talk about today i figured i'd continue my "tribute" of the Yankee legend by posting some other bits i've written about him throughout the years on this blog. Which is why i'm reposting this:

The Money $hout-out of the Week-  So for no other reason other then i want to post hot pictures of someone, this week's shout out goes to Minka Kelly!  i feel like no one talks about her anymore ever since she dumped Derek Jeter (and after she dumps him all of a sudden he breaks his ankle and is out for the rest of the Postseason.  Coincidence?) and it's a shame because this girl has got the face of an angel and her body makes me want to do devilish things.  And by devilish things i mean i want to put my P in her V and cover her F and S with my Q as i R her H until my NB is completely drained.  But in a blog filled with nothing but bitchy complaining and bathroom humor the least i could do is post pictures of this Goddess and give a breath of sweet fresh air into everyone's life...


Whoops, my bad. That wasn't a bit about Jeter, that was about his ex girlfriend Minka Kelly.  My apologies!  Let me repost this OTHER bit that is completely about Derek Jeter!

The Money $hot-out of the Week- This week's shout out goes to Minka Kelly, who besides being the hottest girl ever also made the smartest decision of her life when she dumped Derek Jeter.  She is WAY too hot for that guy!  Alright fine, maybe not the 1996-2000 Jeter when he was still young and fresh.  But an almost 40 year old Mr. 3000?  Sorry buddy, you're past your prime, or "Hit the Wall" as they say.  Or as i say anyways.  But yeah Minka is on the Charlie's Angels remake that is a new TV show in the fall, which makes perfect sense because she is as beautiful as an angel.  Holy S i should totally use that line when i meet her in person right?  i bet no one else will ever say that to her!  i gots mad game!




You're welcome for that fitting tribute Derek, you deserved it!

- So is it me or does every girl on the planet think that they have a fantastic singing voice? It seems like they all feel this way, which is funny because pretty much every girl's singing voice sounds exactly the same.  In fact, now that i think about it there are literally only 6 stand out woman singers ever.  Whitney, BeyoncĂ©, Mariah, Christina, Aretha Franklin, and the lead singer of Portishead.  END OF LIST!  So I apologize to all of you ladies who aren't one of those 5, but if you're not one of them then you all sound exactly the same to me.  Although if it makes all of you little cupcakes feel better I think you're all pretty decent! :)
Fast Food Tips - If this fall weather has you missing summer BBQ's then you're in luck, because Wendy's has found a way to get you to try and recreate them in the most ghetto way possible!  Wendy's is introducing their BBQ Pulled Pork Cheeseburger which is just their regular old ass cheeseburger with a slice of cheddar cheese, topped with what is sure to be nasty ass pulled pork and cole slaw as well as your choice of 3 BBQ sauces, sweet, smoky, and spicy.  Which is funny because those sauces were also my nicknames in high school Sophomore through Senior year. 
Anyways, I think this burger looks like garbage but my boy Bill H seems to be a huge fan of them so if you see him with bbq sauce all over his face then you'll know why!  Although that still won't explain why the sauce is all over his crotch...

Oh wait now I get it, he was f*cking the sandwich!  I guess it DOES explain it!
And that's it for me this week friends!  i hope everyone has the best weekend, the weather is supposed to be super nice so make sure you go out and do something!  Or if you do stay inside go back and read some of my old blogs and/or watch both seasons of "VHS Breakdown" on Blip.tv.  Either way i'll see you kids back here on Tuesday with an all new blog!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Do you really think all of this is an accident ? That we, a group of strangers survived, many of us with just superficial injuries? Do you think we crashed on this place by coincidence -- especially, this place? We were brought here for a purpose, for a reason, all of us. Each one of us was brought here for a reason. - John Locke

THE BLOG WHERE LET'S GET LOST TONIGHT AND YOU CAN BE MY BLACK KATE MOSS TONIGHT

What is up kids?

So it was 10 years ago yesterday that Oceanic Flight 815 crashed on a mysterious island, and i have to say my life has never been the same since.  Well not literally 10 years ago for me, as i didn't start watching the show "LOST" until the beginning of the second season when my boy Tommy made me watch the show.  And out of all the misery and bad luck that Tommy has brough to all of his friends, family, and basically any one who knows him throughout his life, this one gesture was enough to bring validity to our friendship!

And i find there are really only 3 kinds of people when it comes to the show LOST, those who have never seen it, those who think it sucked after the second season, and those of us who realize that this is the greatest show of all time and an adventure that will never be repeated by another show in my life time.  And that's not to say there aren't shows that are good as LOST or even better, as "Breaking Bad" and "Game of Thrones" certainly might be the BEST shows i've ever seen.  But LOST is definitely my favorite, and i can't fathom another show  ever taking it's place. 
"Are you f*cking kidding me miguel? You mean the show with the black smoke monster and time travel and all of the questions that they never answered?  THAT is your favorite show of all time?  Everyone knows that show started off strong and then had nowhere to go because they didn't have an ending in mind.  And speaking of that ending, what did it even mean?!!"

Yeah yeah, i get it.  i know a lot of you feel that way about this show.  And it's okay to think that, because this show definitely isn't for everyone.  i mean if you're someone who enjoys watching "The Big Bang Theory" or "Real Housewives of Wherever" then LOST is probably not the show for you.  Because those of us who love LOST know that while there are supernatural elements that occur throughout the series that this isn't a show about science fiction, it's about people and relationships and second chances.  This isn't a show about perfect people who never do wrong, it's about flawed individuals how have made terrible choices in their past.  But on an island where no one knows who they are they have a fresh chance to start over, which is something we all probably have wished for in our lives.  And as these incredibly written characters search for their redemption they get faced with the same impossible decisions they faced before they ended up here, and just like in real life some people learn from their mistakes and others are destined to repeat them...
But again, i don't need to try and convince you that this the greatest show of all time.  Like i said before you've either never seen it, don't agree with me, or you spent last night watching the pilot episode of LOST like i did to celebrate the 10 year anniversary of the television program that changed my life.  And to those of you who've never seen or hate this show to each their own, but to the rest of us who love it and miss that it's gone what better way to relive the magic then to start watching from the beginning all over again!

RANDOM NONSENSE

-While we're on the subject of planes, does anyone remember the story about the US Airways "tweet" that got the airline in a lot of trouble?  If you didn't hear the story basically the airline was responding to a customer by answering them over Twitter.  Which shouldn't be a problem right?  Wrong!  Because somehow when they responded they added a picture that i'm guessing they didn't plan on adding...
i'll tell you one thing, i don't care if that plane shown in the picture above had Jack Sheppard and Locke on it because NO ONE is going to be able to escape THAT Smoke Monster! 
In one of the best "LATER DICKS!" moments of all time, a television reporter in Alaska chose a time while she was live on-air to let it be known the world that she was quitting.  Not only that, she dropped an F-bomb right before admitting that she was the owner of a Cannibas club in the city, and that she would spend the rest of her newfound time devoting “all of my energies to fighting for for freedom and fairness, which begins with legalizing marijuana here in Alaska.”

You can watch the video here now, but just know my hat is off to Charlo Greene for dropping my favorite... LATER DICKS!
A Great Name for a Punk Band! "The Loose Screws"
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - There's a move that fighters do in the "UFC" that is a finishing move that most people can't get out of.  It's called the "Rear Naked Choke" and it's basically when you take your opponents back and choke him out until he taps out or goes unconscious.  The move looks like this:

Now my question is, since this move is normally performed by huge sweaty dudes and not beautiful ladies like in the picture above, why did they have to add the word "Naked" to this move?  i mean why isn't it just called the "Rear Choke?"  Did they HAVE to throw the word naked in there?  In a sport where shirtless men are wrestling each other wearing nothing but speedos trapped in a cage, i would think you'd try not to make any of the moves you do sound gayer.  It'd be like calling an uppercut the "Flaming Homosexual Uppercut!" There are at least two words you could take out of that name to make it a tad less gay.  But whatever, i guess they are going to stick with the "Rear Naked Choke" so what can you do.  Although once they change the name of the move "Hammer fists" to "Silly Love Taps" i'm going to stop watching this sport! 

Fast Food Tips - Is everyone ready for the return of the McDonald's McRib?!?!?  Well you shouldn't be, because McDonalds is delaying the release until December now, the earliest.  Mostly because they are Nazi Sandusky loving aholes!!  And also because they want to push the release back to December to help their 4th quarter earnings.  So i guess Mitt Romney is right, Corporations ARE People!  This news is a swift kick to the balleens for those of us who love the McRib, and those of us who do love them are no class having bad food loving bags of douche.  But i will admit that no matter how God awful that disgusting fake meat is between those buns when it comes back around in December i'm going to stand in line and order two of them.  Just so that by the time i'm done eating the second sandwich i remember how disgusting this item is and then i'll never want to eat another one again!  Until it comes out again the following year of course...
"Facebook Etiquette"-
And that's it for me today kids!  And yeah i should have probably used that "Facebook Etiquette" on the blog where i wrote about "Fight Club" a week ago but whatever, better late then funny!

But i hope you all have a great week, i hope you all love the show LOST and even if you don't i hope you all come back here on Friday for an all new comedy blog!

Friday, September 19, 2014

Don't push me cause I'm close to the edge. I'm trying not to lose my head. It's like a jungle sometimes, it makes me wonder how I keep from goin' under. - Grandmaster Flash "The Message"

THE BLOG ABOUT GOING TO SHOWS AND WAITING IN LINE FOR THE iPHONE 6!

What is up kids?

So is anyone else besides me dying to go to a concert, or a football game, or even a Broadway play?  i haven't been to anything in FOREVER and i have to say i'm itching to go to something.  "Are you sure it's that miguel?  Maybe you're itching because you're a dirty Hispanic who never showers?  That would probably explain the smell too!" 

Wow, that's a pretty racist way to start off a Friday blog guy.  But back to my point, i love going to shows of any, kind but i haven't been able to recently because i've been a little broke lately.  And by "recently" i mean in the last couple of years or so, and by "lately" i mean i've been broke since 2007.  And while it's true that as i've gotten older i don't feel the same need to go to events as much anymore, mostly because i'd rather watch a football game or concert from the comfort of my own couch as i'm able to eat and drink as much alcohol as i want in my comfy sweat pants and even get to pause the t.v. for my several trips to the bathroom as i eat White Castle until my stomach and anus feel like they are going to explode.
What the hell was i talking about?  Oh yeah, going to shows.  i do miss going to shows, but one thing i definitely don't miss is holding the tickets for the event.  Isn't holding tickets for something THE WORST?!?  i NEVER want to do it! i get so much anxiety over whether i'm going to lose the tickets or not, and i LITERALLY have to grab them in my pants to make sure i have them every 3 seconds.  And yes by grab the tickets in my pants i mean my penis.  C'mon, grow up everyone!
But i hate holding tickets for any event, i don't care if it's a football game, a concert, or even a play.   "When the hell have you ever gone to a play miguel?  Do they make Broadway plays about beer pong and watching Comedy Central and being a lazy Mexican?  Because we all know you have zero culture and are a borderline lowlife."  First of all, i've been to plenty of plays.   Secondly, why are you so mean and racist today?  It's Friday, we should all be in a good mood!

So yeah i don't really have a point to all of this, although when you think about it i could pretty much say that about every rant i do.  But i do have some hilarious "Random Nonsense" for you today so why i don't just get to that already!  

RANDOM NONSENSE

- i cannot STAND the people who wait in long lines to be the first one to get the new Iphone 6, or any phone for that matter.  How empty and pointless is your life that you're willing to stand outside in a line with a bunch of other crazy people just to get a new phone?  You really need it that bad?  How brainwashed by society and Apple are you that you need to get the next new phone IMMEDIATELY!!!  i'm not sure, but all i know is that every time i see those lines i always wish for rain and snow and any sort of miserable weather to pour down upon you just so you realize how pathetic you really are.
And oh yeah i also wish for these aholes to drop these phones as soon as they open them, and lucky for me it not only happened but they caught it on camera as well!  Maybe there IS a God!
A Great Name for a Punk Band! "Goodness Gracious"

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE- What is it with white people and gay recreational sports?  "Whoo hoo Kickball! Dodgeball!  Flag Football early on Sunday mornings!  Co-ed Softball!"  Why do you white people always have to engage in this nonsense?  There must be some theory behind it but i'm too tired and not smart enough to figure it out right now.  When minorities want to play a game it's always just them calling their friends saying, "Want to play basketball tonight?"  or "Want to get a game going?"  White people are not happy unless there is a referee and they get to wear uniforms and come up with some stupid not funny team name and they have to pay some sort of bull$hit league fees.  "Everything must be organized!"  Oh yeah?  Have fun with that.  i'm not really sure why you find the need to play all of the games we played in grade school gym class as an adult but whatever, have fun against the Purple Cobras you Average Joes.  i'll be at the bar talking to women while you sprain your ankle again. 
"Facebook Etiquette"- In the funniest Facebook news i've heard in a long time, it's been learned that Grandmothers are having a hard time posting "Happy Birthday!" or other messages on their family's Facebook pages.  Not so much in writing the message, but apparently when they go to write "Love Grandma," as soon as start typing Grandma "Grandmaster Flash" pops up instead.  So all of these Grandma's are tagging the old school rap legend which i personally find funny as hell.

And mad props to my own mother, who even though she's a grandma she has been smart enough to avoid doing it so far!  But to the rest of all y'all nanas you don't have to tell me how it's a jungle sometimes, i already know that!
And that's it for me today kids!  Thanks to all of you who read my blog, especially lately because i've been getting a crazy about of views lately!  Either i'm getting funnier or... nope, i guess that's it.  i'm getting funnier!  So thanks for noticing, thanks for reading, and thanks for coming back here on Tuesday when i put out another all new hilarious comedy blog!

Cya Tuesday, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Kids are the only people in the world that you’re allowed to hit. Do you realize that? They’re the most vulnerable and they’re the most destroyed by being hit, but it’s totally okay to hit them. And they’re the only ones! If you hit a dog, they f*cking will put you in jail for that shit. You can’t hit a person unless you can prove that they were trying to kill you, but a little tiny person with a head this big that trusts you implicitly? F*ck them, who gives a $hit? - Louis C.K.



THE BLOG ABOUT PARENTS BEATING LITTLE CHILDREN

What is up kids?

So i'm guessing all of you heard the story about the NFL running back Adrian Peterson by now, but if you haven't he is the star player who was suspended for apparently beating and leaving a mark on his 4 year old son using a stick this past summer. Peterson was indicted and released from police custody this weekend, and as of now he has been suspended by his team and was unable to play football this past Sunday.  Which i'm sure if you have him on your fantasy football team you were probably heated to find this little tidbit out...

And people are kinda on both sides of the fence of this one, with Liberals of course being OUTRAGED that a parent would ever hit a child!  And then there's everyone else (including Peterson) who believe that what he did wasn't really THAT wrong because that's how he was raised growing up in Texas.  And even though he regrets that he may have seriously hurt his child, Petersen and many others believe that hitting children is how you discipline them with most people even having the same argument.  "That's how i was raised!" 

And to me, this has to be the WORST reasoning for ever doing anything.  i mean first of all, do you really think that your parents are/were perfect?  Do you not realize that parenting is an inexact science, and that literally NO ONE has all of the answers on the correct way to raise a child?  How would such a thing be even possible?  EVERY child is different in what is effective and not effective in raising them, and any parent will tell you that what works for one child almost certainly won't work the same way with another child.  And that's even in the same family with the same two parents!  And why is that so?  i have no idea, and if i did know why then i'd have the secret to parenting, and you could bet your sweet a$$ that'd i'd be getting paid MAD loot for my knowledge and not giving away free ha ha's twice a week on this blog.

And besides every child being different, why do people think that just because THEY happened to be raised a certain way that it HAS to be the correct and only way?  Everyone is so happy with how they turned out in this life, despite the fact that most people are clueless ignorant aholes who only believe what they are told.  So the first thing people need to do is get over themselves and realize that they aren't that great.  But secondly and even more importantly, they need to be open to the fact that their parents were not perfect in raising them, and that they like everyone else who becomes parents must realize that all they can do is try to do the best job that they can and hope for the best.  Because that's all you can really do as a parent, love and care for you child while trying to provide for them.

Personally i think it's crazy to hit your child.  If you can't think of a better way to "teach" your child other then with violence then you've probably got some other issues going on in your life and maybe you shouldn't take out that frustration on an infant who's probably too young to even understand what's going on.  And if you're a huge football player and you hit your child, even an apology like this doesn't help anything in my eyes:
I never wanted to be a distraction to the Vikings organization, the Minnesota community or to my teammates. I never imagined being in a position where the world is judging my parenting skills or calling me a child abuser because of the discipline I administered to my son. 
I voluntarily appeared before the grand jury several weeks ago to answer any and all questions they had. Before my grand jury appearance, I was interviewed by two different police agencies without an attorney. In each of these interviews I have said the same thing, and that is that I never ever intended to harm my son. I will say the same thing once I have my day in court. 
I have to live with the fact that when I disciplined my son the way I was disciplined as a child, I caused an injury that I never intended or thought would happen.  I know that many people disagree with the way I disciplined my child. I also understand after meeting with a psychologist that there are other alternative ways of disciplining a child that may be more appropriate.
I have learned a lot and have had to reevaluate how I discipline my son going forward. But deep in my heart I have always believed I could have been one of those kids that was lost in the streets without the discipline instilled in me by my parents and other relatives. I have always believed that the way my parents disciplined me has a great deal to do with the success I have enjoyed as a man.  I love my son and I will continue to become a better parent and learn from any mistakes I ever make. 
I am not a perfect son. I am not a perfect husband. I am not a perfect parent, but I am, without a doubt, not a child abuser. I am someone that disciplined his child and did not intend to cause him any injury. No one can understand the hurt that I feel for my son and for the harm I caused him. My goal is always to teach my son right from wrong and that’s what I tried to do that day. 
I accept the fact that people feel very strongly about this issue and what they think about my conduct. Regardless of what others think, however, I love my son very much and I will continue to try to become a better father and person. - Adrian Peterson
Nice speech buddy!  It would have been nicer if there wasn't a BRAND NEW story that just came out today saying that you physically beat another one of your children who was also 4 years old.  Apparently this well thought out apology that was written for you forgot to include the fact that this was not an isolated incident and that beating your kids is literally the only way you know how to parent.  And the only thing scarier then a huge beast of a man beating a 4 year old child are all of the parents who agree with his right to do so...

RANDOM NONSENSE

- Does anyone ever wonder why i always use symbols while writing curses?  Like why i always write "F*ck you you motherf*cking a$$hole piece of $hit!"  It's not because i'm afraid of offending anyone, because clearly you can tell by most of the bits that i write that i don't give a F*CK and i'll write and/or say everything i gddman please.  It's my blog and i do what i want!  And if you don't like it you can get out!

But the reason i've always done this is because i used to work in a bull$hit corporate environment, and when you work at a place like that they do $hit like "flag" your emails looking for curse words and stuff.  So if you work in an awful place like that and you signed up to get my blog by email the way you can do on the right hand of this page then the email would get blocked and would not show up in your inbox.  And i definitely know all of you can't wait to wake up and find miguel jose in your inbox so i got around it by using those symbols.  See, i'm funny AND smart!  And sexy!  Let me get in your inbox!

The Guy Who F*CKED Me In Fantasy Football This Week...  If there is one guy that is absolutely MURDERING me so far this year it has to be the only Mexican on my team, Tony Romo the QB for the Dallas Cowgirls.  This motherf*cker has Dez Bryant who is one of the top 3 wide receivers in the league, a top tight end in Jason Witten, a money receiver in Terrance Williams, AND one of the top running backs in the NFL Delmarco Murray, yet he apparently still doesn't have enough weapons to score me more then 15 gddamn fantasy points.  It's definitely my fault for believing in the preseason hype once again and drafting his dumb ass, but it's more likely because i respect him so much for dating Jessica Simpson back when she was super hot.  Well played you big bag of douche, well played.
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - i feel like it'd be the money if some other country gave us a nice present, like the way France gave us the Statue of Liberty. i mean that's what the statue is, it was a gift. But i guess countries don't do that anymore?  That sucks, because that statue wasn't even built here and it's one of the most symbolic images that our country has. Although when i think about it, i don't know what gift any other country could give us. i mean i guess it could be ANOTHER statue, but it's kinda been done already. So what else could it be? Maybe like a big lake? i mean OBVIOUSLY they can't transport a lake from somewhere else over here.  But maybe if they sent over a bunch of people to come over and spend a few years digging out and creating this HUGE ginormous lake that'd be money. And maybe the country that gives us that gift could be Mexico, and we could have Mexicans come over and build this huge lake and then they get to stay here afterwards! And maybe the whole point of this bit is that i'm trying to think of ways to get my cousin and Auntie from Mexico over here and i've got zero ideas and this is the best i could do. So if anyone's got any other plans i can try i'm all ears!
-How come when you go fishing you have to go SO gddamn early?  Like 5 am and bull$hit like that?  i'd be totally down to go fishing if i didn't have to wake up so early.  But if my choices are to be on a boat before the sun comes up in the freezing cold, or passed out in my bed totally happy in dreamland i'll take my bed for $200 Alex! Do fish really not eat all day from 8 am through 5 pm?  For real, these fish are just never hungry or ever want to eat at those times?  i can't imagine that's true, like maybe if most fish didn't want to eat there would still be those fat f*ck fish that are down to eat all the time that you could still catch.  Do you think they have fat fish like we have fat people?  Because if they do have them i bet those obese aholes eat all gddamn day!  But yeah i'm sure there are all sorts of studies or actual facts to back up why i am wrong here but i still think i am right.
And that's it for me today kids!  Please forgive if there are more spelling mistakes then usual, i have to post this before work and i don't have time for my normal half ass proofreading.  But i hope everyone has a great week and i'll see you all here on Friday for an all new comedy blog!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter.  And follow VHS BREAKDOWN on Instagram!