Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Man, it's the same bull$hit they tried to pull in my day. If it ain't that piece of paper, there's some other choice they're gonna try and make for you. You gotta do what Randall Pink Floyd wants to do man. Let me tell you this, the older you do get the more rules they're gonna try to get you to follow. You just gotta keep livin' man, L-I-V-I-N. - Academy Award Winner Matthew McConaughey


What is up kids?

So does everyone have their Halloween costume ready for this Friday or what?  Actually now that i think about it if you're still young and cool and fun you've probably already worn your costume to a bar and/or party this past weekend.  Because that's what young, cool and fun party people do, they celebrate Halloween as much as possible!  i mean why wouldn't they, Halloween is like Comic Con for every person in the country, except this time it's not just for the nerds!
And i don't know if it's because i'm getting old, or if it's that my priorities in life have changed these days but i'm just not that excited for Halloween this year.  Except of course for the party i'm going to in Cape Cod this weekend to celebrate my Nephew/Godson's first birthday party!  Now THAT is something i'm excited for!
But you see, that's just it.  These days i'm more excited to see my 1 year old nephew and be with my family and my girl at a fun get together then i am to go out to a loud and crowded bar surrounded by young girls dressed in slutty costumes while everybody is completely drunk and there's free candy everywhere.  i mean for real, what the hell is wrong with me?  Why don't i want those things anymore?!?!  When did i become one of these moms that i can't stand on Facebook?!?!?
And i know some of you must be getting sick reading this, especially my married guy friends who look to yours truly to hear crazy stories of me doing a power hour of Natty light before eating an entire bacon Sicilian pizza pie from Turvinos by myself before ending up on my bathroom floor with my pants around my ankles covered in puke and shame.  i mean wasn't that the reason i started this blog in the first place, to tell stories like that?  Now i'm talking about not going to bars or celebrating Halloween and instead hanging out with 1 year old babies?  i mean what is this world coming to?

And i wish i had a better answer for all of you other then just "i'm growing up," but i guess that's the only explanation on why and how i feel these days.  And the strange thing about it is i don't even hate myself that much for it and in fact i'm actually okay with it.  i mean i'm 73 years old now for crying out loud, i guess it makes sense that i don't play nonstop beer pong tournaments at night in my kitchen and follow that with doing 11 funnels in a row before eating White Castle until my stomach and anus feel like Hurricane Sandy. 
Although before my faithful readers want to abandon me completely please don't fret, because i PROMISE you i'm still a lazy, obnoxious immature ahole at heart, it's just that instead of eating fast food and drinking Natty light until i throw up and deuce myself to no end i instead drink red wine and eat quinoa because i'm a classy fat basterd now!  So deal with it people!  And enjoy the nonsense!


- So from what i can tell, the World Series and the baseball playoffs in general have been pretty f'n crazy.  Being a Mets fan i wouldn't know anything about this, because i stop watching baseball once the Mets are out of the playoff hunt.  Which basically means i watch baseball for almost all of April and a then little bit into March, if i'm lucky...
But there is one thing that has bothered me about baseball my entire life, and that's how baseball players always throw the balls into the crowd to little kids in the stands.  i mean honestly, why the hell do children need to get the ball?  i'm the one who's been waiting over 30 YEARS to get a foul ball at a baseball game!  What the hell does a child need it for?  How long have these kids even been on this freaking planet, 6 years, tops?!?  This kid has an entire lifetime of enjoyment left to experience, let alone the fact that the kid is blessed with youth and energy and not being an old miserable basterd like me. 
And here's another thing, that kid didn't even buy a ticket to the game! i'm sure the kid's parent and/or some adult bought the ticket for this little rugrat, and they probably drove them to the game while buying them yummy treats and refreshing beverages as well.  So now this young tike gets to go to a free baseball game with a free ride and free food and drinks, AND they get to be the one who gets the foul ball thrown to them by a player on the field!  What the F buddy?  i'm the one who called out sick from work and then paid for all of the tolls and gas and pregame beers and tickets and don't forget parking.  Let alone the fact that i've been waiting for a foul ball since Ronald Regan was our President.  Hook a brother up already!
A Great Name for a Punk Band!  "The Bon Jours"

mIGUEL'S MONEY MOVIE REVIEW!!   So i haven't seen the movie "Gone Girl" yet, despite the fact that it was directed by David Fincher and it got incredible reviews and made a ton of money at the box office.  And i actually do want to see this film but for real, who can afford the $37 per ticket fee that they are charging these days to go to see it in the theater?  Surely not your humble and slightly poor Mexican/Dominican narrator.

And i while i definitely think Ben Affleck is the money, it's safe to say that he will never be able to top his greatest role ever in "Dazed and Confused," which to me is clearly his finest acting performance to date.  i mean it was Affleck playing a dumb meathead teenager who beats up freshmen.  How was he nominated for an Oscar for "Good Will Hunting" and not his role as O'banion?  The academy must hate Irish people!
But yeah even though i never saw his new movie i still think you all should all watch it, because even without seeing it i can tell that it's awesome!  Although to be honest it probably would have been better if they decided to go with the movie's "original" title, which of course wasn't "Gone Girl" but instead it was called...

C'mon, JEWELL!!You're gonna let me get away with stretching out that poor joke for 3 paragraphs just to get to "Later Bitch?"  This one's on you buddy. 
Fast Food Tips -  No matter how much it makes your stomach and butt hole hurt, White Castle will always be a fantastic food establishment that puts the "assy" in "classy."  It doesn't matter how many people wake up in agony after enjoying delicious sliders, people will never stop eating them and/or watching Harold and Kumar movies about them on cable television.  Which is why it's nice to see them add a few greasy new items to their menu , and by greasy i of course mean "Italian!"
Now i know nobody thinks about White Castle when you're thinking about Italy or chicken sandwiches, but i also know none of you think of the punishment you're going to lay on your toilet bowl after eating an entire Crave Case by yourself alone in your truck on a Friday night after working all week at the WWE and you're name is Rob.  So don't over think this Fast Food Tip too much, just go out to White Castle and enjoy these delicious fast food treats tonight and worry about your future and your B hole later!

And that's it for me today kids! Although speaking of WWE you should all be checking out Rob's brand new show on the WWE Network called "Rivalries" which can be seen immediately following RAW and probably On Demand on the network.  His first episode just aired last night and it was about the Stone Cold Steve Austin Rivalry with Vince McMahon!  What can be better then that?  So go check it out and tell a friend about it, and oh yeah make sure you come back here on Friday for an all new blog to tell me what you thought!

Cya Friday, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Friday, October 24, 2014

All i can say is that my life is pretty plain, i like watchin' the puddles gather rain. And all i can do is just pour some tea for two, and speak my point of view but it's not sane. It's not sane... - Shannon Hoon "No Rain"


What is up kids?

Man has this been a miserably awful rainy week or what?  i mean honestly, is there anything harder then getting up for work in the morning when it's dark and cold and raining out?  Every inch of your soul just wants to crawl back into bed, get under the covers and go back to that dream where i'm fighting aliens with a machine gun on Mars with Kate Upton and Will Smith from "Men in Black" by my side while i'm wearing cowboy boots and a diaper for some reason.  And oh yeah, you're welcome for that image!
But while it has been downright dreary and rainy these last few days  it is supposed to be really nice this weekend.  So i hope you all get to go out an enjoy it!  For real, most of us wait and hope and PRAY for the weekend to be here every second of Monday through Thursday.  So now that the weekend is FINALLY here it's time to make the most of it! Seize the Carpe Diem!
And while i'm not sure exactly what my plans are for this weekend, i am positive that i'm going to have the best time ever.  Why do i know this you're probably asking?  It's because i'm always kind of having the best time ever in this life.  How could i not be?  i'm alive in the future!  i live in a time where anything i could ever want to buy can be purchased right from my computer and have it delivered to my house, as well as a time when i can look up ANYTHING i could possibly ever wonder and/or have questions about and find the answers right on my phone!  Not only that, every movie or song that i would ever want to watch or listen to is just a free download away, as long as you know the right website to go to or as long as you know a person who's under 30 years old.  i'm telling ya kids, the future is here and now and it's fantastic!  It's just like they said in that song, the future's so bright i gotta wear sunglasses!
Now don't get me wrong, not everything is roses and sunshine for me all of the time.  At the same time that i'm super happy, i also feel like i'm constantly an anxiety filled mess trying to figure out how i'm going to pay my bills every week.  i mean just knowing the debt that i have with my credit cards and student loans is enough to make me cry sitting down in the fetal position in the shower as the missed calls from credit collectors fill my voice mail.  But whenever i start feeling like that too much i remember that life shouldn't be all about money, and that even though it always feels like i'm living paycheck to paycheck and never catching up i also realize that's how a lot of people seem to feel. 

And it's not just poor schmucks like me, these people feel this way even when they are making a ton more money then i'll ever make!  So if everyone always seems to feel like they never have enough money and/or they can't catch up with bills and the price of living, then maybe that whole way of thinking is bull$hit to begin with, don't ya think?  i mean yeah it'll always suck to watch your paycheck go from your full net pay to zero on the day you get paid as you pay off your awful bills that never seem to end.  But instead of letting that horrendous feeling consume me the way it does so many other people, i'm going to realize that this way of thinking is useless and instead focus on all of the great things i have in my life, like my family, my girl, my health, and my future!  Well maybe not the health part...
And before i get to the nonsense, i guess i should admit now that i'm completely kidding with this entire rant.  No i don't mean about me having the money life, i mean that we're definitely not living in the future right now.  How could we be, we don't even have hoverboards yet!  For real, what's the point of being alive now if there aren't hoverboards?  What are you going to tell me next, that the movie "Back to the Future" wasn't historically accurate?  Let's hook it up already scientists!


Speaking of Back to the Future, if you haven't seen my review of it yet on "VHS Breakdown" or even if you've only seen it one or seven times you should watch it here NOW!

 - So i forgot to post this on my Tuesday blog, but lucky for me Rob was useful for the first time in his life and made sure to remind me that Monday was the anniversary of the day that Shannon Hoon died, the lead singer of the most underrated band of all time "Blind Melon."  And i don't say that with the least bit of exaggeration, because i know most people only know Blind Melon as a "one hit wonder" with the song, "No Rain."  But what most people don't realize is that Blind Melon is SO much better then just that one song, and that not only is their self titled debut album incredible in itself, their second album "Soup" is in my top 5 favorite albums OF ALL TIME!
 But more importantly then all of that is the fact that Shannon Hoon was just an amazing and incredibly likeable guy who unfortunately had a terrible problem with cocaine and heroin.  And yeah i know it's easy to get on your high horse and judge him and say he was a dirtbag loser drug addict, but that's what all people who don't understand drugs like to do.  And don't get me wrong, there is NEVER an excuse to do heroin.  But the mere fact that someone does it isn't enough to make them deserve to die, and the fact that we lost Shannon is tragic.  i mean yeah it's all his fault and he definitely blew it, but that doesn't mean he isn't missed and that his life touched people's hearts forever.  So rest in Peace Shannon, you are ridiculously missed!

- So i don't normally post funny memes or pics without trying to make it relevant to something else on my blog, but i saw this the other day and i can't stop laughing so i hope you can't either!

A Great Name for a Punk Band!  "The Horsefeathers"

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - i think the word "tween" is really hot.  i didn't think it was possible to make the word TEEN any hotter but apparently they've done it.  I"m not positive but i'm pretty sure it means "Twenty-something teen", or at least that's what i plan to tell the cops when they come get me.  Speaking of cops, just because a website advertises "Barely legal Tweens", it's actually 100%, NOT legal...

Fast Food Tips - So i always thought the KFC Double Down was basically the perfect fast food invention.  i mean a bacon and cheese sandwich with two boneless fried chicken pieces as the bread that holds it all together?  What could be more perfect then that?
Well apparently Korea has figured out how to make that sandwich better the same way someone figured out how to make the word "teen" even hotter, as they have just introduced the "Zinger Double Down King," a monstrosity that is sure to clog your arteries and colon before stopping your heart and ending your life for good in the most delicious way possible.  And it's not that i want to die on the toilet bowl, but after seeing a picture of this delicious diarrhea delight it might be worth it to die.  Because what this sandwich does is add an all beef burger patty to the existing Double Down sandwich to make sure that if you didn't have diabetes before that you will now!  And i'd like to say that my mouth isn't watering at the thought of this and that i didn't have to change my underwear after looking at a picture of this beautiful masterpiece.  i'd like to say that stuff didnt' happen.  But the truth is i'm standing here with saliva on my chin and a fresh new pair of boxers and now i'm wondering if Groupon has any good deals on flights to Korea!  Although before i get on a plane, nothing bad ever goes on in that country ever, right?
And that's it for me today kids!  Hopefully this blog inspired you to go out to dinner, or a happy hour, or a movie, or do ANYTHING fun this weekend.  But if not i hope you have fun just sitting on your couch as well, because as long as you're enjoying yourself and not hurting anyone i've gots none problem with what you do.

But i'm ready to go out and have fun as soon as i get out of work, so hopefully i will see you all there too!

Cya Tuesday with an all new blog!  @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Baby's good to me you know, she's happy as can be you know, she said so! i'm in love with her and i feel fine. Baby says she's mine you know, she tells me all the time you know, she said so! i'm in love with her and i feel fine. - The Beatles "I Feel Fine"


What is up kids?

So did everyone have the money weekend or what? i know i sure did, i partied it up like it was my 21st birthday!  And by that i mean i took a party bus with my friends to Hoboken and tried to do 21 shots at Bahama Mamas!

Haha that story wasn't true, at least not for this past weekend.  But that image had to bring back some funny memories for people my age, because taking a party bus to boken was literally the same plan that everyone had for their 21st birthday back in the day.   Or at least that was the plan tyhe cool kids used to have.  You guys were part of the cool crowd growing up, weren't you?  i don't want a bunch of nerds and weirdo's reading my blog!
Speaking of birthdays, i'd like to take to take the time now to say a very special early happy birthday to my love, my girlfriend, and my baby, Jen, who also happens to be turning 21 tomorrow!  Or at least that the age she told me she's turning.  Which is odd because we actually grew up and went to the same high school together so that kinda doesn't seem to make sense to me. Although i was always terrible in math, which means i guess i'm just going to have to take her word for it that's she 21!
But as happy as i am to be with her, and as much as i know that this is the best relationship that i've ever been in in my life and know that i will definitely marry her someday ( if i'm lucky enough for her to say yes of course), you've probably noticed i don't talk about her all that much on this blog.  And that's done very much on purpose, because this is a comedy blog full of nonsense and insanity!  No one wants to hear about how happy and in love i am with my girlfriend!  Well besides her i mean haha :)
But i have made it a conscience choice to not bring her up that much on here, and it's really just because i know that people who are single and/or in horrible relationships don't want to hear about how incredibly happy i am in mine.  Because honestly, there is NOTHING worse then seeing two people who are happy and in love when you're a depressed heartbroken lonely bag of douche.  i mean for real, when someone is sitting there listening to depressing love songs with a knife up against their wrists and/or jugular thinking about the person who broke their heart, as well as thinking about that person being with some other terrible human who will NEVER treat them the way that they would yet that a$$hole still gets the joy and bliss of being able to be with the object of their affection, the LAST thing that they need to see or experience is someone else's true happiness with their soul mate!  Because when you're dying inside you want the entire world to be filled with darkness and evil and horrific depression!  And even if you aren't bitter enough to wish that on other people, you still don't want to see anyone else be happy when you're a mess!
Which is why i've never really brought up my relationship on this blog, because i know more people are in horrible relationships then not.  i mean for real, how many truly happy couples do any of you know?  And i'm not talking about couples that are married and/or married with children, because just having that status CLEARLY doesn't equal happiness...

But most of us realize how borderline impossible it is to find that perfect someone, and we also realize that most of the people that try to act like they are super happy all of the time are the ones who are the most miserable.  i mean show me a couple that has to post NONSTOP pictures of every "happy" second they spend together on Facebook and Instagram, and i'll show you two people that are trying to lie to everyone else including themselves!  Because when you're truly happy you don't need to try and convince everyone else of that fact, you're too busy being genuinely happy to care!

And that's where i am at in my life right now.  i've never been happier being with someone in my life, and once i get this money situation figured out i'm going to marry this girl and make her my wife.  Hey that rhymed, i'm a poet and didnt' even realize it!  But yeah once i get married then you'll REALLY never hear about her on this blog!  But you're hearing about her today, because today i want to say happy birthday to the woman i love, and i'm looking forward to spending all of our birthdays together for as long as we live.  And while it's true it might not be that long for me if i keep being an unhealthy non exercising jerk who posts "Fast Food Tips" twice a week on a comedy blog, at least i know that however long i last on this beautiful blue green ball that i'll be the happiest and luckiest person on the planet, because i'm in love with her and i feel fine :)  Happy birthday baby!!!


-  Speaking of birthdays i wasn't kidding when i said i took a party bus to Hoboken for my 21st, and i was kidding less when i said that i planned on doing 21 shots.  And i say "planned" because i think i only got as far as shot #16 before i went to the bathroom and threw up all sweet 16 of those shots at a urinal.  And not only that, i also got some puke on the guy who was standing next to me!  And i remember looking at that guy and saying "OMG i'm SO sorry dude!  It's my 21st birthday and i'm out celebrating with my friends and i really apologize for being an a$$hole and please don't kill me!!!"

And i can remember like it was yesterday when the guy who was standing there covered in my own puke looked at me dead in the eyes and said, "Don't worry about it man, things happen it's all good!  i hope you're having a great time for you 21st, happy birthday buddy!!"  And i'll be honest, i don't really believe in miracles.  But for me to throw up on the one guy in Hoboken who not only didn't beat the f*cking $hit out of me but also said it was no problem and wished me a happy birthday, the odds of that had to be one in million!  Wait, one in a million?  So you're saying there's a chance!

 -  While we're on the subject of Hoboken, i'd like to take this time to talk about how that town has the WORST parking situation on the planet!  There is NOWHERE to park in Boken, it's a MILLION times worse trying to find a spot in Hoboken then it is in New York City.  And NYC is the capital of the world!  That doesn't matter though, because you would still have a better chance finding a spot in the city during a Presidential visit to the U.N. during the Puerto Rican Day Parade then you would finding an open non residential parking spot in Boken
So just so you know in the future, the ONLY chance you have of parking in Hoboken is paying the $25 beans it costs to park in a garage, which is a price i happily pay every time i visit there.  i say "happily" because i'd rather pay the 25 beans to park in a garage then deal with the AGGRAVATION of driving around all of Hoboken trying to find the one mystery spot that you're actually allowed to park in that even doesn't exist.  You'll waste more then $25 in gas driving around to find a spot anyway, so just park in a lot and save yourself the trouble!  Or don't and enjoy the ticket and/or towing your car will definitely receive in that stupid town. 
A Great Name for a Punk Band!  "The Yippee Skippies"

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - i still use "old school" headphones when i listen to my Ipod.  And no, it's not because i'm f*cking 57 years old. It's because i hate those stupid little pod things for you ears!  i don't know if i have a misshaped head or if i just have weird ears but there's always ONE ear pod that just will not f'n stay in my ear.  Or maybe it kinda stays in my ear but i can just feel it slipping out the whole time and then i focus way more on that then the music i'm listening too.  Probably because i'm an insane person.  But yeah the oldschool ones fit right on my dome, and i can walk or run or work out or do any of the things that i never really do in real life and those $hits will stay on my head with none problem.  So f*ck those stupid little ear buds and i don't care that i look like i'm still living in the 80's with my big headphones on.  At least i can hear the gddamn music and i'm not worried about those stupid ear buds falling out!
Fast Food Tips - 
Fast Food Tips - Alright that wasn't a real Fast Food Tip so i guess i can give you another on even though i'm sure i've brought this up before on this blog.  In fact i would guarandamntee that i've said this before!  But anyways, could someone PLEASE tell me the reason why restaurants always give you styrofoam containers to bring home your leftovers?  Don't they realize that all we want to do the next day is throw that $hit in a microwave so that we can get that reheated awfulness inside our tummies IMMEDIATELY?  So then why would they give us our food in something that melts and ruins everything in the microwave?  It's not rocket science, i'm hungry and i want to finish the rest of my dry burger and soggy fries immediately!  This unmicrowavable container slows down this reheating operation considerably, plus styrofoam is extremely bad for our planet.  How the hell are all of the "green" people who are so into saving the Earth allowing all of these restaurants to get away with this?  Literally every process that takes place at the end of my fantastic meal is wrong!
And that's it for me today kids!  And i do hope you all have a great week, but none more then my girlfriend who i hope has the best birthday ever.  And hopefully you depressed fools that are alone and/or are dating/married to a rotten scumbag still enjoyed it, because i know my happiness is obnoxiously annoying.  But don't hate me because i found the best girl ever, go find one of your own!  Or don't, and rely on the hilarious comedy of my blog every Tuesday and Friday to brighten up your miserable life.  Except for this one!

Friday, October 17, 2014

I don't go joy-poppin' with bubble-gummers. My friends can handle their highs! - Lance "Pulp Fiction"


What is up kids?

i'll tell you what's up, call me Rebecca Black because i'm an untalented fool on the Interwebs with a hit YouTube video!  And also because it's Friday, Friday, getting down on Friday, everybody's looking forward to the weekend!  MAN was that a fun and catchy song!  How did that girl not win a Grammy for that?  Besides the fact that it's awful kid garbage that anyone who repeats or sings it should be shot i mean.  Except for yours truly of course, especially when it's a Friday, Friday, getting down on Friday!
But yeah i hope everyone has plans to drink and smoke and snort and inject and swallow and lick and just do WHATEVER you have to to do to make sure  you have the money time this weekend!  And i'm not kidding, if you're down for any of that stuff i hope you do whatever makes you happy, just as long as you're old enough and responsible enough to do so and you don't bother anyone else.  And most importantly, you can do whatever you want as long as you can handle you're $hit!  That's a big deal to me, because i don't dig hanging out with fools who bug out or get all weird and nutty when they are drinking alcohol and/or are  doing "substances."  In fact, I don't go joy-poppin' with bubble-gummers, my friends can handle their highs!

But speaking of not being able to handle said stuff, today i want to tell you a story from back when i was in high school.  A tale about one of my younger friends who DEFINITELY couldn't handle his liquor.  And no i'm not talking about a little 16 year old miguel jose, that kid could handle his alcohol!  If by handle you mean spending every morning after a late night of drinking at the park across the street throwing up into a ditch and then ending up on the toilet bowl for hours...
But this story isn't about little ol' me, for once it's actually about someone else!  It was this guy Mike who was only a junior when we were Seniors, but for some reason this young rascal thought he could hang with the big boys and drink with us!  Which to his defense has was able to do, it was just the handling of the drinking afterwards that ended up being his problem.  Because as we were driving home in my friends mom's red van he started getting sick.  Yet this young buck wasn't smart enough to know that you're better off throwing up in a park, or a toilet, or ANYWHERE that wasn't my friend's mom's red van!  So instead, he got sick in the back of the car and threw up alcohol and the spaghetti he apparently eaten earlier in the night all over the backseat!  It was a nightmare!
And i learned something important on that day, and that is if someone throws up in your car you will NEVER get that smell out of your car... EVER!!!  For real, that kid Mike who threw up is old enough to have his own kids that are juniors in high school now, and that smell STILL hasn't come out of that red van!  And it's incredible to realize that you can pretty much get over any mistake that you make in your life, from saying a racist comment when you didn't know the cameras were on, to running a dog fighting ring and still getting another job as a quarterback (even if it's with a piss poor NFL team), to even starting a war with a country over the false claim that they have WMD's and then having a "Mission Accomplished" sign wave over you despite the fact the war would still go on for over a decade.
But if there is ONE mistake that you can never come back from, it's throwing up inside of a car.  i know i drop a ton of nonsense on you kids blog in and blog out, but i hope this nugget of information sticks with you.  Kind of like how their were nuggest of spaghetti and meatballs sticking to the back seat of the car for as long as he owned it.  So whatever you do, never throw up in a car people!  Because this story happened 53 years ago, and that lovely spaghetti and beer and vomit smell is so ingrained into the fabric of my friend's mom's red van that no amount of Febreeze or airing it out or even apparently any length of time will EVER let it go...


- i don't know what everyone plans on being this year for Halloween, but if there is one costume i'm going to tell you not to wear its' one of those Hazmat suits with an EBOLA sign on it.  Not because i find it offensive, because to be honest i couldn't possibly care less about this Ebola "scare" and i think it's ridiculous people are actually scared about something that has killed one or two people in this country when guns are responsible for over 30,000 deaths per year with 20 instances of mass murder caused by guns as well.  When you look at those facts it's Ebola that gets you so scared you $hit your pants?  Really???

But yeah i don't find this costume offensive. i find it lame and unoriginal and everyone's going to do it, so if you end up being one of those people just know i find you so lame and unoriginal that i actually am offended now. Trick or treat! 
A Great Name for a Punk Band!  "The Joy Poppers"      

C'mon, JEWELL!!   You had to see that coming!  

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE -  There should be a special place in hell reserved for a$$holes at your job who take food out of the refrigerator that isn't theirs.  What the f*ck is your problem, you ghetto food stealing motherf*ckers?  You're that much of a thieving dirtbag that you need to take food that isn't yours at work?  Because it's not bad enough that i gotta be here 9-5 Monday through Friday every single week of my entire life, just to not be able to afford to pay any of my bills on time and/or go on a real vacation EVER.  Now i gotta deal with some f*ckhead i work with stealing my leftovers from Chili's the night before so i have to starve the rest of the day?  Thanks man, i really appreciate it.  The only thing i would appreciate more is if i could catch you doing it.  Boy i wish i could've caught him doing it.  i'd have given anything to catch that a$$hole doing it.  It'd been worth him doing it, just so i could've caught him doing it...  
Fast Food Tips - So i'm not gonna front and tell you that Burger King has better nuggets then McDonalds because that would be a dirty, filthy lie.  But i will tell you that right now BK is selling 10 nuggest for $1.49 which means that you can get 20 nuggets for only $4!  Wait, that's not right.  Is it $5.50?  Hold on, i need to get a calculator... ok i'm back.  So yeah like i was saying you can get 20 nuggets from Burger King for only $3!  What a deal!  
As for dipping sauces you can get BBQ, Honey Mustard, Ranch, Zesty, Buffalo, and Sweet & Sour.  And don't forget from one of my earliest fast food tips to ask for EXACTLY how many sauces you want of each when ordering!  Don't say "i want honey mustard and BBQ please!" Because then you'll get 1 of each and you'll be left eating dry sauceless nuggets.  When you're ordering you need to say "i need TWO bbq, TWO buffalo, TWO sweet and sour and TWO Ranch please!"  And then when you're eating your nuggets with all of the dipping sauces you desire you can have me to thank for it!  And you can be sure that once i get home i'll be dipping my own personal nuggets in all of the creamy sauce i want!
And that's it for me today kids!  i hope today's blog inspires you to go out and do something this weekend, even if it's only sitting on your couch watching television eating $1.49 BK nuggets until you're heart explodes.  If that's what makes you have a good time then go do it!  But if you go out anywhere afterwards and you start to feel sick from eating all of that fake "chicken," whatever you do don't get sick in your car!  

Cya Tuesday!  @migueljose_85 on Twitter