THE BLOG WHERE i PHONE IT IN AFTER LABOR DAY
How was everyone's Labor Day weekend? Mine was the MONEY! So money in fact, that as a "special" treat i'm reusing an old rant that i posted after Labor Day two years ago! Aren't you lucky?
And it also happens to be perfect because it's a rant about going back to school and Labor day and everything else that i'm too tired to write about right now. And since that is totally freaking topical right now i hope you enjoy my previously hilarious comedy my friends!
What is up kids?
It is too gddamn HOT for a penguin to just be walking around! For real, i know it's September and i know the summer is over and all but can it please cool off for just a hot second please??!?! Honestly, the constant heat sucks but i can handle it i guess. This nonstop humidity however, is f*cking RELENTLESS! i already sweat enough by being a slightly overweight sexy basterd. i don't need to also sweat just by being outside!
Alright probably not. But either way, everyone's back to school and ready to start the new year. So for today i'd like to talk about my first day of college, because that was a nutty experience that i can easily stretch out into another rant because i got nothing else on my dome today!
The first day of college for me was a pretty memorable one. Actually, it has to be memorable because it is one of the few memories i still have floating around my noggin besides both Giants Superbowl victories. But i remember my parents driving me up to Pine hall, which was the Freshman dorm at Ramapo college back in 1964. Alright fine, it wasn't that long ago but it's been awhile. Anyways, i was in suite 530 i believe and i remember that because i was on the top floor with the last room room down the hallway. Which is what i'm pretty sure they do to all minorities at every school, because i know all my white friends were lamping on the second floor while me and all the aholes i lived with couldn't live farther away from the entrance unless they put us on the roof of the building. It was racist!
But like most things in my life i don't regret that i did it. i made some money friends, and i definitely drank and partied my face off for a year and a half straight that's for sure. And by a year and a half straight i mean i am still living that lifestyle to this day. But it's not my fault, i wasn't ready for college! Think of how i act now. It was literally just this past weekend that i was on the bowl deucing and throwing up into my sink at the same time in a blacked out haze after drinking beer and wine and doing fireball shots! Do you think when i first got out of high school and my body could actually handle that punishment that i was any better? None chance.
But yeah nothing beats the first day of school at college. i obviously must have loved going to college because it only took me 8 years or so to graduate. In my defense, i took off about 3 of those years to work. But still, that is a LONG gddamn time to go to college and not come out with a doctorate. And a lot of people are surprised when i say i joined a Fraternity, mostly because i have a ton of friends in real life so why did i have to go "buy" friends in college? And that's a really fantastic question, why did i do that? To be honest i'm still not really sure why i did it, and when i tell you what i did during pledging you will REALLY wonder what the F i was thinking in order to pledge a Fraternity! But i will save my pledging story for another blog, because this rant is over and it's time to get back to work, and back to school!
- So i know everyone hates that the summer is basically over. But if there is one good thing about September being here is that it's time for some football! And not just any football, Fantasy Football! Which is really the ultimate measure of any man, as Fantasy Football is the greatest game ever created after beer pong. And yeah yeah Fantasy football is kinda like real life role play, or "LARPING" if you will. But whatever, i guarantee none of those Larping dorks ever drank as many beers and/or did as many funnels as i did at my Fantasy Football drafts this past weekend!
And the funny thing is i haven't even mentoined the best part of it yet... THERE ARE NO COMMERCIALS EVER!! If the game they are showing goes to a commercial they immediately switch to another game so you never have to watch any at all. And if it's halftime for all the games, or if by some chance all the games are on a commercial at the same time, then they will show the Redzone host who will give highlights of the other games and go over news and notes in the league until a game starts up again. But they will NEVER show commercials! So hooray for football being back, but an extra double hooray hooray for the NFL Redzone channel which is probably in my top 5 all time best things ever in life after blow jobs, rocky road ice cream, family, and God. Probably not in that order though.
mIGUEL'S MONEY MOVIE REVIEW!! So did all of you hear how they are redoing a bunch of DC comics, and in the new version they are making the Green Lantern a Muslim? Holy S! i don't read comics anymore but that is crazy news! Or not really, because who cares if he's Muslim? i sure don't, as long as he fights crime i don't care what he is. If i needed help and the only person who can help me is a Muslim then for the love of Jeebus please help me now!! Or should it be for the love of Allah? i don't know, and i don't care. Good for DC though, it's about time they started making more realistic Comic book heroes. Next thing you know they'll make a gay Green Lantern. "They already did that miguel!" Thanks dork who reads that comic, but i think i knew they had a gay Green Lantern once they cast Ryan Reynolds in that movie. WHOOPS! So yeah a Muslim and Gay Green Lantern don't impress me at all. Maybe i, miguel jose should be the next Green Lantern? A sexy yet slightly overweight Mexican Dominican Green Lantern with the power to make girls who are out of my league fall in love with my magic ring. Hey don't laugh, it could happen...
And that's it for me today kids! i hope you liked it short and sweet, because that's all i gots for you all today. Just like you i'm easing back into work and/or school after this holiday weekend/short summer season, so if this is all the energy i have you should feel privileged to get these free laughs! Or not, but either way thanks for reading and i'll see you kids back here on Friday with an all new blog!
And oh yeah, hey summer...