It has to start somewhere, it has to start sometime. What better place than here? What better time than now? - Rage Against the Machine "Guerilla Radio"

A FIRST LOOK AT MY NEW YOUTUBE SHOW: 

"VHS BREAKDOWN"

What is up kids?

"By the looks of that poster i'm guessing your cholesterol?  Seriously buddy you may want to consider dropping a few LB's..."

Really?  That's how you say "hi" to me on my Tuesday blog?  Thanks jerks, i really appreciate it!

But for real, how the heck is everyone? Because despite your petty attacks on my weight i must say i'm in a pretty fantastic mood.  Mostly because i've finally created something seriously funny that i'm proud of, and no it's obviously not my blog.  And i can't wait to show it to all of you!

"That's not true miguel, we LOVE your blog!  It's amazing that you have the dedication to write such hilarious original blogs twice a week, even though you don't get paid to do it.  And the only thing you ask from us back is to keep reading and to share and/or "like" your stuff on Facebook once in awhile!  Which goes to show you truly are a great person, as well as one funny and sexy motherf*cker as well!!"

Aw, thanks for that. :)  You totally made up for the "LB's" comment.  But back to my excitement and how hilarious i am, i'm proud to show all of you the very first preview for my new Interwebs show where i do movie reviews of old VHS tapes called, "VHS Breakdown."  It premieres June 12th @ 4:20 on our Youtube channel, but today is the release of our first "promo."  So if you're reading this blog you're getting the very first look!

So did you get the premise of the show?  Basically i own a ton of old VHS movies and i gots nothing to do with them.  They take up so much room at my place, i can't sell them, and there's no point in even giving them away since no one wants old VHS tapes.  So i decided i would watch every movie i own, give it one last movie review, and then i'm going to smash the $hit out of that motherf*cker.  Do you get the double meaning of the title Jewell?  Because i'm going to BREAK DOWN the VHS that i have with a hilarious movie review, and then i'm going to BREAK the VHS when i'm done, basically a VHS BREAKDOWN.  Really Jewell, you still don't get it?  That's cool i guess...

But yeah me and Rob put a ton of work into this show.  And by ton of work i mean i literally did a power hour and blazed my balleens off before doing every episode.  And every time after we were finished shooting Rob would order us pizza and get some brews to celebrate.  Then after puking and deucing my face off i would go to bed and Rob would go home and stay up all night and day looking at video and editing all of it down until we had a finished project.  So basically what i'm saying is I'M the star and this whole show thing is my idea!

And to be honest i don't know what we expect to come out from any of this.  All i know is that this show we created is really funny, and if someone else put it out on the Interwebs i know i would definitely watch it probably.  And i also know that many of my friends don't read my blog because: A. They don't know funny and 2. They have the attention span of a 7 year old on ecstasy at a Dub Step rave and they have zero chance of reading an entire one of my blogs from beginning to end.

So to those people as well as yourselves, i really hope you dig our new show.  Yeah i know a ton of people do movie reviews, but i guarantee there are few that are as funny or as sexy as me.  Well, definitely not the latter.  But after seeing the first couple of episodes i have to say again i'm really proud of what we did, and i hope that when the show comes out you all help me spread the word so i can FINALLY get famous and make money and get new friends and quit my blog and quit hanging out with Rob or talking to any of you ever again in my life!  Please make this happen kids!!!!

VHS Breakdown Youtube Channel

VHS Breakdown Facebook Page

@VHSBreakdown on Twitter

RANDOM NONSENSE

-So i just want to say my heart goes out to the people that got done up by that huge tornado in Oklahoma yesterday.  i know i act like i hate people in general and most times i truly do.  But i don't wish this fate on anyone, and the devastation that these towns went through is absolutely horrible and i hope as many people as possible are okay.  i don't know, it's pretty f'n scary how often these storms hit us up these days.  It seems like every other week there is another freak of nature storm.  Although considering how often these storms are happening, "freak" might not be the correct term anymore.  Personally i'm mad broke, but if any one's got 10 beans that they want to donate to the cause to make themselves feel better about life you should most definitely do it!!

-So can someone help me just lose weight already???  Jeebus Christmas kids, now that i'm doing this show and have to watch myself on camera it's getting a tad harder to just ignore how big i am and how much weight i need to lose.  i take a lot of substances to help me "alter" my own reality.  From the legal ones to the not so legal ones (allegedly) i constantly try to ignore the fact that i need to work out and eat better and instead enjoy a life of laziness and sloth not seen since Kevin Spacey was exhibiting his own kind of justice in the movie "Seven."  (Spoiler alert! Kevin Spacey is the killer in "Seven!")

But yeah i know i need to lose weight, i understand that working out is something that i need/have to do.  Not only to look good on camera, but also so i can live on this wacky planet a little longer then most people would expect.  But i just CAN'T think that way right now. i just can't "turn the switch" as no one says. So if anyone has any ideas that don't involve mocking me heavily i am all ears!  Well ears and a big stomach apparently...

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - It's awesome that there is fighting in hockey.  For real, it's crazy!  i mean what other sport can you fight in? Besides fighting i mean.  Think about how much trouble you get in in the NFL or NBA for throwing ONE punch.  "OMG he threw a punch! Suspension!  He should be banned from the league! My vagina hurts!" Not hockey though.  Full out brawl by both teams?  "5 minutes for fighting guys! Enough with the horseplay!"  i don't get why more people don't watch hockey.  It's so intense and fast paced and there are like 75% less commercials then every other sport.  Personally i love the New Jersey Devils, because i'm from Jersey and because i'm a classy individual who roots for classy teams.  But regardless, my point is that the fights in hockey are awesome and i  really, REALLY hate the New York Rangers.  Why should i hate them you're probably asking yourself?  i know what you mean.  Why hate them when they haven't won a cup since 94, and before that it was 1948!  So basically after one "fluke" year, why would i even listen to their non cup having trash talking fans?  That's a fine point you just made there.  F those Rangers!

Sorry Albin, this isn't towards you.  If there was such a thing as a "classy" Rangers fan it'd be you buddy.  The rest of these aholes can suck my big fat one though.

A Great Name for a Punk Band! "Geez Louise"

Fast Food Tips - i don't normally tell you to mark things down on your calendar. "Besides the June 12th premier of your new show you mean!"  Yes i mean besides that.  But this Thursday, May 23rd Sonic is selling 50 cent corn dogs ALL DAY LONG!  Which is such a great deal that even though i'm not eating fast food anymore i'm going to literally buy $20 worth of corn dogs and then cover them in hot mustard and ketchup and my own personal mayo and shove them down my pants and rub up and down against my leather couch until completion.  Does that sound crazy?  Maybe, but not any crazier then 50 cent corn dogs!!

And oh yeah i gots one more Fast Food Tip- McDonalds has a new Blueberry Pomegranate Smoothie and you can try a small size for $1 from May 21st through the 23rd.  i don't know if it'll be any good but at least it's only one bean!

And that's it for me kids.  Exciting news today right?  No?  Well i disagree.  i'm real fired up for "VHS Breakdown" and i can't wait to show you the first episode on June 12th!  Obviously i can't, it's the only gddamn thing i've talked about all day...

But i hope everyone has a great week. Go like "VHS Breakdown" on Facebook and Twitter and Youtube and all that stuff.  My advice would be to get on the bandwagon now because when this show blows up like "Chocolate Rain" you're gonna wanna tell people you were on board from the beginning!

See you kids Friday!!  @migueljose_85 and now      @VHSBreakdown ! 

Do You Realize... that you have the most beautiful face? Do You Realize... we're floating in space? Do You Realize...that happiness makes you cry? Do You Realize... that everyone you know someday will die? - The Flaming Lips "Do You Realize?"

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes,
Let them know you realize life goes by fast.
It's hard to make the good things last,
You realize the Sun doesn't go down,
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round...
     "Do You Realize?" - The Flaming Lips

THE BLOG WHERE I'M SICK OF BEING FAT

What is up kids?

Isn't there something great about being alive on a Friday?  i'm mean don't get me wrong, it's a pretty f'n fantastic thing to be alive in the first place.  Well, most of the time anyways.  But i have to say it's an even BETTER thing on Friday for some reason which truly makes it the best day of the week!

Although i gotta admit that i'm a little hurt up as i write this.  Not that that takes away from the fantastic to be alive bit, i'm just saying today's blog might not come out so "crisp."  Which is ironic because considering how fried i am you would think a crisp blog would come easily.

Does everyone gots good plans for the weekend?  i hope so, it's basically summer already.  Which kinda sucks because i'm fatter then ever and definitely not ready for "bikini" weather.  i mean for real, is there anything worse then being fat during the summer?  In the winter it's fine.  In fact, i like being fat in the winter.  My fat keeps me warm during those freezing cold nights, plus i can try to hide most of it under layers of clothes and sweaters and jackets.

Not in the f*cking summer though.  Summer for fat guys is like a girl not being able to wear make up.  All the tricks we use in the winter are useless now, because it's too damn hot for a penguin to just be walking around.

So i HAVE to start working out again.  And i'm saying again like it hasn't been MONTHS that i've done nothing.  But whatever, saying "again" is somewhat accurate because i have exercised before in my miserable life.  And i used to not hate it too, however i just can't get in that mind set again.  Maybe because people who are healthy and eat right and work out are literally the most annoying gddamn people in the world.  Oh really?  You went to the gym before work today?  i couldn't already tell because i didn't see you post your gym status on Facebook for the 5th day in a row and also because you usually wait until after lunch when you get your salad to tell me how great your run was this morning.   Maybe if people who were in good shape and ate right and went to the gym everyday weren't such pretentious bags of douche i'd be more inclined to join their little "club."

But the truth is those are just my excuses, and lame ones at that.  Although it isn't hard to make up an excuse to not exercise.  "It's too crappy out to leave the house!"  "My muscles are kind of tight and they say you should always have a rest day or two or twelve in between work outs!"  "Wait, don't i have a girlfriend?  Why do i even care about what i look like anymore, i've won!"  This is the stuff aholes like myself repeat in our heads, and the next thing you know i'm ordering a taylor ham, bacon, egg and cheese on an everything bagel with salt, pepper and mayo and washing it all down with a liter of coke and then masturbating to a "Game of Thrones" sex scene and then passing out in my own depression and misery and filth instead of going for a run YET AGAIN.

But hopefully not today!!  It's almost three months to my birthday which means i need to start losing some serious weight, for reals this time!  And also because i've seen myself on camera doing this new Web show i've been working on and let's just say either the camera adds a couple hundred pounds or i ate the previous me and am now the size of two miguel jose's.  Which while true means it's double the funny and twice as much of me to love, this whole pregnant belly angle i've been doing for the past year or three is getting old as f*ck.

So yeah even when my life is the best thing ever and i'm going to concerts and comedy shows and boozing and partying and having as much fun as humanly possible, in the back of my head i'm still depressed about my weight.  Probably because i'm a pu$$y and i'm a sensitive high school girl, OMG i'm getting my period!!  But whatever, i'm done being depressed about it and i'm ready to start my weekend.  So let's get to the nonsense already!   Right after i eat these egg beaters with low fat cheese for breakfast.  Ugh.

RANDOM NONSENSE

-Speaking of high school girls, a lot of people always ask me, "What's your favorite outfit to see a girl dressed up in?"  And by a lot of people i mean the ones i made up for this bit.  For the longest time it was probably a nurses outfit, mostly because the whole laying in bed helpless while this hot slutty nurse comes in and takes advantage of you is one of the greatest fantasies ever.  Hellllllo Nurse!

But as great as that is, i have to say that hands down my favorite outfit has to be a school girl outfit.  Holy jumping $hitballs that makes me go from 6 to 12 in a HEARTBEAT.  Especially those Catholic school girl uniforms, just thinking about them covers the front of my shorts in Pop Tarts minus the Tarts. i mean seriously, who designed these outfits?  The Devil?  Which would seem f*cked up considering these are the outfits made to wear to go into the school of your Lord and saviour.   But when you take a good look at these uniforms, and i mean a REAL good look, it's hard to think that Satan himself didn't have a hand in designing these works of art...

-i never wear socks when i go to bed.  i just can't do it.  i'm pretty sure it's because my dad would always yell at us to take our socks off before we went to sleep.  He used to say "Your feet need to breathe!"  And i was always okay with that reasoning, even though now that i'm much older i'm realizing that kind of doesn't make sense.  But it doesn't matter, even with this new revelation i still can't sleep with socks on.  My feet need to breathe dammit!

A Great Name for a Punk Band!- "The Flaming Lips"

"OMG miguel you're not even trying anymore!  That IS a band already!!  You used it in the quote today!!"  No kidding guy, i was just setting you up so i could tell you i saw them last night in concert last night.  Do you kids know the Flaming Lips? Hopefully but probably not.  i can't say that i'm 100% familiar with ALL of their songs or even most of them.  But i will also be the first to admit that they put on one of the best live performances out there, BAR NONE.  They have so much stuff going on on stage!  The singer sings on this huge space bubble thing 5 feet above the ground, with a microphone that is connected to lights going all through out the stage.  They have these use cannons that shoot confetti into the crowd, with a laser light show that fills the room the entire show.  It feels like you're watching a concert on a Spaceship, no joke.  But yeah that's what i did last night, what the hell did you do?

An "Actual" Great Name for a Punk Band! "Short Story Long"

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - Why do we still have "human" umpires in sports?  i'm pretty sure we have cameras everywhere and all sorts of crazy technology.  They have a gddamn machine that can tell if a 130 mph serve in tennis is in or out by a centimeter for crying out loud.  The only thing human umpires and refs add to the game is human error, so it's time to get rid of them  And besides, humans are so 2010.  Hey sports!!  Grow up already. 

Fast Food Tips - Do you love bacon?  If you don't you should probably just stop reading my blog all together because i hate you.  Just kidding you pretentious vegans and no meat enjoying vegetarians.  You can keep reading and just continue to skip "Fast Food Tips" like you always do.  But for us normal humans, bacon is basically what our life revolves around besides air and water.  But what fast food item contains the most bacon?  The Baconator at Wendys!!!  Oh wait, that pathetic burger has 4 teeny tiny strips and is basically garbage. In fact, it is an insult to even call that burger by that name, when i hear Baconator i expect a B.L.T. amount of Bacon except instead of L.T. they are replaced by Bacon and Bacon.  And oh yeah none bread either, use more Bacon as bread.  You can keep the Mayo though.

But anyways, the Sonic Bacon Breakfast Burrito is the item you are looking for if you want delicious bacon in every bite.  If you look at their $1 menu you will only see the Jr Sausage Burrito so you may think they don't have it, but oh heck yes they do.  It's not on the $1 menu so many people don't bother to look and just stick with the sausage burrito.  But don't do it! Just ask for the Sonic Bacon Breakfast burrito and you can thank me later for the bacon orgasm you will enjoy in both your mouth and your pants.

-So i'm not going to lie, i debated doing this next bit.  Because many times i find it unfair to hold present crimes against an amazing past legacy that used to be the money...

But i'm glad "The Office" is finally over.  Did you watch the series finale last night?  Or more importantly, have you watched an episode of this show ever since Michael Scott left?  If you haven't i am jealous, because you could have not abandoned ship at a better time.  This used to be one of my favorite shows, and the romance between Jim and Pam was something i actively rooted for.  And it has to be said that Michael Scott is one of the funniest characters in television history, which makes what i'm about to do even harder...

But this show has been garbage ever since Michael Scott left.  That new character Nellie?  Or Gabe?  C'mon guys, you're better then that.  And how did they take Jim and Pam and turn them into the most AWFUL characters ever?  Pam is the WORST, and the fact that she wouldn't support Jim in his sports career that was really taking off is absolute BULL$HIT!  Especially when he 100 PERCENT supported her with her art even though she's a terrible artist and an awful selfish person.  How dare she not support Jim!   Pam used to be somewhat likable and cool but now she's only a lame mom just like most of you out there.

So thanks for the earlier seasons guys, at one point you were one of my favorite shows of all time.  But for sticking around WAY too long i just gotta say...

LATER DICKS!

And that's it for me today kids!  Although before i go i have to tell you about my new show that will be hitting the Interwebs next month called "VHS Breakdown."  If you like my blog and i know you don't, you're gonna LOVE this new movie review show and i can't wait to f'n show you guys.  i should have an actual promo for the show ready for my next blog, so come back Tuesday if you want a sneak peek at the project that's gonna make me famous and soon forget all about all of you!

See you kids Tuesday!!  @migueljose_85

The Man in Black fled across the desert, and the Gunslinger followed..." - Stephen King, "The Dark Tower: The Gunslinger"

THE BLOG WHERE I TALK ABOUT STEPHEN KING'S 
"THE DARK TOWER" SERIES

What is up kids?

So do any of you out there read these days?  Besides my blog i mean, because Lord knows you wouldn't have even known i asked you that question if you weren't reading my nonsense!

But i'm talking about books, or rather whatever you read on your kindle.  i know books are old school and only aholes like me still read those...

Although i can't lie, i never read anymore.  Who has the time?  Or the attention span?  i gots neither, so unfortunately the times that i actually read a book are few and far between.  Which really sucks because i used to read all the gddamn time.  It started with Judy Blume when i was younger, "Tales of a 4th Grade Nothing" and "Superfudge" were my favorites.  But i also dug the "Choose your Own Adventure books" and reading "Highlights" magazines.  Speaking of which...
A Great Name for a Punk Band! "The Timbertoes"

But i used to read all the time, from Shel Silverstein poetry to Stephen King books which i fell in love with.  i definitely dug all of King's horror stories, but there was one book he wrote that i read when i was a kid called "The Dark Tower" that really intrigued me that wasn't a horror story.  "The Man in Black fled across the desert, and the Gunslinger followed."  That was the first sentence of the novel, and from there on it was an interesting journey that when i finished i thought, "wow, that was nuts."  And then that was it.  i had actually forgotten about the book until a couple of years later when a friend of mine brought up books we had read in conversation.  And when i had told him that i had read the Dark Tower his eyes just lit up.  "You read that?  That's awesome!  Did you love it?  And what did you think about the second book in the series?"

Wait, what??  There was a second book?  i had no clue!  So he let me borrow that book and i read it and it was f'n CRAZY!  So crazy in fact, that it actually made me want to go back and read the first one again and i did and i loved it even more! i had no idea that there was more then one book, and just when i found this out the third book had just been released.

i couldn't be more excited!  i bought the third book right away and brought it home and read the entire thing in one night.  i remember it like it was yesterday, it was 9 pm on a Friday night and i took the book in my room and i just read nonstop. i ate snacks and read, i went to the bathroom and i read, i read that book straight through till 4 in the morning until i finished every word...

But for the third book in the Dark Tower Series, Stephen King ended it on a cliffhanger.  And i mean a f*cking CLIFFHANGER!  Like he stopped this book in the middle of the craziest gddamn part of the story ever!  And i couldn't f'n believe it!!   And let me tell you my friends, this was the f'n WORST.  Because this happened to me back in 1991, WAY before the gddamn Interwebs.  There was no way to find out about any new books that were coming out.  i couldn't "look it up" or find any info on it.  All i could do was walk into every book store and ask about it.  "Have you heard anything about the new Dark Tower book???" "No."

Time after time that was the only answer i kept getting, and that answer was "NO!" And i got that answer for FIVE YEARS STRAIGHT!!  That's right, for 5 gddamn years i would walk into every bookstore, usually the one on the second floor of Garden State Plaza in Paramus, NJ.  "Have you heard anything about the new Dark Tower book? " "No."  For FIVE years that was their only reply.  Until one day finally, "Have you heard anything about the new Dark Tower book?"  "YES."

HOLY F'N $HITBALLS!!  THEY FINALLY HEARD SOMETHING!  WHAT CAN YOU TELL ME??!!!  "Well the 4th book is coming out next month, but you have to put your name on the list.  The book is $40 and only the first 10 people on the list are guaranteed to get it.  If you do not get it next month you will have to wait 7 more months until Spring before you can buy the soft cover."  Um,...PUT ME ON THAT GDDAMN LIST LADY!!!  AND WHAT NUMBER AM I????  "You are number 7 on the list sir..."

Hooray!!!

HAPPY GDDAMN DAY!  And you bet your ass the next month i paid 40 beans (which is the most i've ever spent on a book) and when i finally read it it was and still is the greatest story i have ever read in my life.  Maybe it was because i had waited so long for it, or maybe it was because Stephen King is a legend and the Dark Tower is his "epic", and this 4th book was the first love story he had ever written.  But whatever the case, "Dark Tower 4: The Wizard and the Glass" is without a doubt the greatest novel i have ever read.  Nothing is even close, not even "50 Shades of Grey."

This story i just told took place a long time ago, but it makes me sad to think that's how badly i used to love reading.  i keep trying to get back into it again, but like i said the voices in my head get too loud and i end up having to read the same page over and over again and i never get anywhere.  But i do miss reading and i'm not giving up just yet.  Right now i'm going to try and read, "Mr. Show: What Happened?" and then after that i'm going to read the "Pearl Jam Twenty" book my girlfriend got me for Valentines day.  And i'm excited for both, but i do wonder if i'll ever be as excited for another book again the way i was for "Wizard and the Glass."  Probably not, but if i do i promise i'll let you guys know!!

RANDOM NONSENSE

-You  know who must want to legalize drugs more then anyone?  Credit card companies.  Holy $hitballs could you imagine how much you would ring up if you could put drugs on your card?  Forget my mortgage or my Sallie Mae loans, i would owe on my credit card bill LONG after i died.  My great grand kids would be paying for that ounce i bought when i was trying to impress those baby girls who just graduated and live in the house next to me.  Or that pound of sticky icky i bought that time we watched the entire 4th season of "Breaking Bad" in one sitting.  So yeah while i am on the side of legalizing most drugs, please do not let me be able to purchase it on my credit card unless you want me to declare bankruptcy.

-Speaking of baby girls, here's a heads up.  If a website offers videos of "Barely Legal Tweens" it's not only not barely legal, it's actually 100% ILLEGAL...

i know that last sentence was f*cked up but it's really one of the funniest ones i've ever written if you really think about it.  Or not.

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE- One of my least favorite things about throwing up after boozing besides the obvious is that i throw up so hard that the blood vessels in my face pop.  And i definitely ain't no doctor but i'm imagining that can't be good.  i am also SUPER loud when i huke, i mean like people out in the street must be wondering what God awful thing could be happening to the person who sounds like they are dying.  But yeah if you ever see me and i have these bloodshot raccoon eyes with splotches all over my face there is a good chance i just threw my lungs up all over the place.  Actually there is a 100% chance that just happened. 

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE DOS- i don't dig flavored cream cheese.  None of them.  "Would you like to try our hazelnut raspberry sun-dried tomato veggie walnut cream cheese today?"  No thanks you flashy basterd, hit me up with some basic philly CC please.  i'm the same way with my coffee too.  i don't need a grande mocha cinnamon dolce java chip espresso tazo chai iced salted caramel peppermint macchiato frappuccino.  Can i just get a gddamn regular coffee with cream and sugar?  i take my bagels and coffee the way i like my women, low maintenance.  Some of you really need to calm down on your breakfast habits. 

Fast Food Tips - McDonald's is adding three new Quarter pound burgers this summer as they phase out the bigger and more expensive Angus burgers.  Apparently trying to appeal to a higher class of crowd is not working for the pedophile clown giant, and in turn they are getting back to their roots of offering cheaper low quality garbage that the general public can't get enough of.

It's going to come in three different varieties, bacon and cheese, deluxe, and Habanero Ranch for that special burn in the back of your shorts.  It sounds like they are going to come out next month so i should probably write about them then, but i have the attention span of a two year old with ADD at a Flaming Lips concert so i gots to put it in my blog now.  McDonalds' also plans to replace their current hickory smoked bacon with a thicker apple wood smoked bacon, and when i heard about that my own personal smoked bacon got a little thicker as well.

-Could you imagine being a hockey team and losing a game 7 to the awful New York Rangers?  You could?  Well could you imagine being that same hockey team and then losing another game 7 the very next year to the Rangers, at home, in a 5 - 0 blow out?  Yeah me neither.  But apparently that's what the Washington Capitals did, and that's what a team with zero heart does.  Alexander Ovechkin is an overrated player who will never win the cup, and he goes to show just how soft the Russian hockey player is these days.  And while Ovechkin did have a decent point when commenting about how bull$hit it was that the refs REFUSED to call any power plays for the Caps all series, especially the zero they called in game 6 at MSG when the Rangers were awarded 5 Power plays, to lose two game sevens in a row to the same team is unforgivable, especially when that team is the Rangers.  So to that hack Ovechkin and the Washington Capitals...

LATER DICKS!

And that's it for me today kids.  i hope everyone has a great week, i was hoping to bask in the fact that the Rangers were knocked out of the playoffs but if they had to win i'm glad they did it on Albin's birthday because that kid is alright.  The rest of you Ranger fans are complete classless dirtbags though and i can't wait to shove it in your face when they lose.

But that's for another blog.  i'm signing off from this one for now but i'll see you kids back here on Friday!!

Cya, @migueljose_85

A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~ Irish Proverb

THE WORD TO YOUR MOTHER BLOG 

What is up hot mamas?

It's mother's day weekend, which means all of you lovely moms finally get appreciated for the one day other then your birthday!  And it also means husbands and sons everywhere only have two days to get these moms a gift.  Which is the worst because honestly, what do moms like?

Moms rarely have hobbies.  i'm guessing it's because raising children is supposedly a lot of work.  Since i've never raised any myself i can't say for sure, but considering how annoyed i get being around children for even five minutes i am willing to take their word for it.

So that still leaves us the question... what the hell do i buy my mom?  Yeah i could get her flowers just like every other guy on the planet.  It's not the worst option by any means, but it's certainly not original.  Although if you can't think of anything else at least get flowers!  Or if you think of something that's not that great just add flowers to the gift as well.  In fact, forget what i was saying and just definitely get flowers.  Sure that's what everyone gets their moms, but whatever it's guaranteed to get a smile so just go out and get them $hits.

But what else is there to get?  My mom will never put in a movie or God forbid figure out Netflix so that's out.  She's got all the music that she listens to already and i don't even know where to buy records so i can't get that.  And i can't pick out clothes for any woman whether it be my niece, my girlfriend or my mom so i'm not getting clothes.  Although it's funny to think that all three of those women couldn't be more different as in what kind of relationship i have with them but i am equally uncomfortable in buying any of the three clothing.

Chocolate Strawberries? i guess if you already got her a money gift you can add those if you want.  But those $hits are HIGHLY overrated and overpriced and you'd be much better off just getting her the type of candy bar or ice cream she likes and save yourself 30 beans.  And i guess i could get her a manicure/pedicure gift certificate that i get her for almost every occasion.  But let's be honest, getting her that same gift every holiday is more played out then Gangnam Style and the Harlem Shake combined.

So yeah, basically what i'm saying is i have no idea what i'm getting my mom.  Hopefully something comes to me but if not what can i do it's pretty much my moms fault.  How is it not???  Get a hobby and/or like some things for crying out loud!!  Personally i couldn't be easier to buy a gift for.  "Here you go miguel, something with the Simpsons on it!" Awesome, that's my favorite you're the best!  "Oh miguel check this out, it's a bottle of Svedka Clementine and a bottle of club soda!"  Wow, you're the money!  That's just what i wanted!  "Happy birthday miguel jose!  Here is your ounce of Pineapple Express!"  OMG THANK YOU FOR THE GREATEST GIFT EVER!!!

So happy mothers day to all you moms out there.  i know i bust on you gals a lot but it's only because i love you.  And also because it's a known fact that once you have a kid there's no coming back for your body.  i mean let's be honest, if your car gets hit by an 18 wheeler driving ninety miles an hour you can take it to the shop to get fixed but we all know that car will never be the same.  i mean look at Kim Kardashian, she's not even technically a mom but her body is ruined forever!!

And before all of the moms reading this blog REALLY stop reading me for good let me just say i'm just teasing.  i know it's kind of a jerk move to go this route especially on Mother's day.  But let it never be said that i don't enjoy being a huge ahole.  And the truth is i do respect moms and i do think they are the toughest people on the planet, no joke.  Not just because of the child birth thing, i mean because they have the job of raising every single person on the planet.  You can't say men share this same job, because lots of times they don't even have to stick around.  Many guys won't even send his ex child support payments which shows what low life dirt bags guys really are.

But when it comes down to it moms are always there, and i know i wouldn't be where i am today without my mom.  It's a shame that none of us really appreciate everything our mom does for us until we get older, but then again that pretty much sums up their job.  A mom is there to raise you and guide you until you don't need her anymore, and she wouldn't be able to do that if she worried about whether her child actually appreciated her or not.  A mom's job is to love unconditionally, and it's our jobs as their children to not realize it or return it until we are mature enough to do so.  And even though i'm not 100% there yet i do at least know i love my mom more then anything and i appreciate everything the rest of you moms out there do!  Even when i'm making fun of you!!  :)

RANDOM NONSENSE

-For the record, if you girlfriend holds her belly on Mother's day and looks up at you with a smile and goes, "Happy mothers day to me!" as a joke you are legally allowed to punch her.  Alright maybe it's not "legal" but who cares, punch her.  Punch her hard!  Because that wasn't funny.

-So at first i was surprised how many girls had photos of themselves wearing fake mustaches in their "Cinco de Mayo" photo albums but then i realized they weren't fake and i'm just friends with a lot of Italian girls...

"OMG miguel that was so offensive!!"  Well first of all, i've already written about how Italian girls are the hottest women on the planet and how i don't have a chance with any of them because they are out of my league.  So let's relax if if you think i'm serious.  And the other thing is that NOBODY, not any Italians nor anyone else for that matter that is friends with me wished me a "Happy Cinco de Mayo!"  And i guarantee i'm the only Mexican you guys know besides your landscaper or the guy who washes dishes and buses tables at the restaurant you used to work at, so for none of you to at least think of me hurts my feelings and now these are the kinds of jokes you get!

Whatever Happened To...  Spuds MacKenzie?

Now if you know me you know i HATE advertising.  But you should also know by now that i always give credit where credit is due, and this ad campaign was the money!  i mean he's a dog that parties!  And he gets chicks!  How did Bud light ever stop doing this?? i know i wish i were the guru of good times instead of the blogger of awfulness.

And i know Jewell, Bud light had to stop using him because all of these different groups of uptight jerkoffs that were complaining that Spuds promoted drinking to children and also because he was portrayed as a dog who banged all this bitches, literally.  But in reality the dog that played Spuds McKenzie was a girl.  Did you all know that?  Probably not.  And yeah this dog died in the early 90's but i say find a clone and bring that party animal back!

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE- To all the fellas, if you see a pregnant woman, NEVER ASK HER IF SHE'S HAVING TWINS!  These big fat whales are already self conscious enough, so asking her if she's having twins is the worst idea ever.  Or if you do want to ask her that just make sure to say, "Wow, even for a pregnant woman you are really really fat!"  Because that is basically what you are saying anyway.  i know guys are the worst and trying to help them out is a losing cause but i try to do what i can.

Fast Food Tips - Starbucks has a deal through May 13th for half price Frappucinnos from 3-5.  Which personally seems like a ghetto deal, because who can get to a Starbucks from 3-5?  Most people work till 5 so what are they supposed to do, leave work early?  Doesn't seem worth it to me, especially because if you left work early you would have to use your paid time off and those hours are WAY more valuable then a stupid coffee.   So yeah i'm guessing that Starbucks put this deal out knowing most people wouldn't be able to do it which seems pretty lame.  Although if everyone reading my blog goes and takes advantage of this deal then hopefully the company will lose money!  i can dream, can't i?

And that's it for me today kids.  i hope this weather stays nice out so all you moms can enjoy a fantastic weekend.  And to the rest of you make sure you hit up a happy hour after work or at least call your "guy" and get a delivery of the fun stuff for later.  It's Friday for crying out loud!!!

Although before i bounce, i have to give my first money shout of the week in a while.  i won't get into his story because you should all know it by now.  But the world is a better place with this guy in it and i'd hate myself if i didn't give credit where credit is due!!

The Money $hout-out of the Week-

Cya on Tuesday with an all new blog!   @migueljose_85

Cause all I think about is why the skin I'm in feels ordinary. The things that you might like don't grow inside of me. - Silversun Pickups "Skin Graph"

THE BLOG WHERE I SAW THE SILVERSUN PICKUPS

What is up kids?

So did everyone have a fantastic "Cinco De Miguel" or what??  i hope so because i sure as hell did.  i had the money weekend in general actually.  From playing beer pong on Saturday for 8 hours straight with my college buddies (although "straight" might not be the right word to use there...) to seeing the Silversun Pickups Sunday night mad close to where i live.  i basically boozed and blazed my face off nonstop from Friday till Sunday late night, and after an orgasmic late night diner run i watched a slightly disappointing "Game of Thrones" and went to bed the happiest little Mexican you ever saw.

Is everyone jealous of my life yet?  i hope so because you should be.  Although after all of my $hit talking about running the pong table i ended up getting beat by a Jew and his partner Jewell who might be the most beautiful man alive.  Gddamn that kid, he's like a gorgeous blonde Goddess and he's distracting to look at when i'm shooting for a cup.  He looks like gddamn Khaleesi for crying out loud!  He's gddamn Jewelleesi!!

Try taking a shot in beer pong looking at that face 

Does anyone even get what i'm talking about anymore?  i hope not because you shouldn't.  i call the section of everything i write on my blogs after my rants "Random Nonsense," but the truth is that it should probably just be the title of every one of my blogs.  Although that's not true, "Here Comes the Money" is the best name ever!  Because that's what i do week in and week out kids, i give you lucky devils the money blog to read while you're chillen at home or even at work, and possibly even while your taking a deuce!  Or probably while taking a deuce.  Or let's face it, almost all of you read my blog while taking a deuce.  Which means that more then 90% of you are thinking about me when your cheeks are on the bowl.  And that's okay, i'm totally fine with that.  Because at least i have an excuse when you associate my name with $hit!

And while that 90% of you share the same habit of reading of my blog on the bowl, do you have any guess on the percentage of people who have ever even heard of the band Silversun Pickups?  i wish the percentage wasn't ridiculously lower but i'm sure it is.  Which is crazy because that band is the MONEY!  But it's almost like people don't remember what a real band is anymore.  i'm talking about a real BAND, i'm not talking about pop stars that don't even write the words that they sing.  And i don't mean Lady Goo Goo or Taylor Swifts either, even though i think they are both talented and the kids seem to dig them.  And i don't mean any of these "folk" bands that are out there now or definitely not any of these whiny Emo bands.

Do people remember when bands just rocked the $hit out of a song playing a bunch of instruments with awesome guitar solos and break downs and original heartfelt lyrics and a money sound?  i hope people remember those kinds of bands but i feel like they don't.  Although it's hard to blame them, the mainstream media makes it pretty hard to hear any good original music anymore.  There's no television channels where you can just watch new videos, and there's definitely no music stations that play good new rock bands.  "But what about Satellite radio miguel?"  Oh you mean that radio where i have to "pay" for music?  Yeah i'll pass.

Although do i even realize what an old f*ck i sound like talking about "music these days?"  i wish i didn't but i obviously do.  Actually i'm pretty sure there's a ton of good music out there, i'm just old and don't know where to find it.  i get most of the stuff i'm into now from my boy Rob, but other then that i get nothing.  Although Harrison was the one to get me the Silversun Pickups first album "Carnavas" years back, and he told me i would dig them and he was right.  So i'll mos def give him props for that, i always try to give credit where credit is due.

But i guess the only way old basterds like me will find out about new bands is if my friends tell me about them huh?  i can't think of any other way so that has to be true.  And since i know a lot of my readers are old as well i guess i can be a pal and try to tell you kids some good bands to check out.  And my first one will be the Silversun Pickups!  You can definitely start with their first album "Carnavas" like i did but "Swoon" is the money and so is "Neck of the Woods."  And maybe next time you can come see them with me when they play at the Wellmont!  They put on the best show and that venue is fantastic, even though i might be getting too old for "standing room only" sections at concerts.  But that's a rant for another blog...

RANDOM NONSENSE

-Speaking of concerts, it's gotta be rough if you are the "tall" guy at a show.  Because what can you do?  Obviously you're already pretty caught up being that your 6 foot 7.  Should you just not go to see any bands that you like?  Of course not, go to the concert tall guy!  Just know that everyone standing behind you at the show is miserable and annoyed and depressed that their show is ruined.  i'd feel bad for you but it's a known fact that any tall guy can bang any tall girl.  Seriously, tall girls are super insecure and the only thing they want/need is to be with a guy who's taller then her no matter what he looks like.  So sorry you're the ahole at concerts but enjoy banging a decent amount of the population with zero effort!!

And i guess i can't talk about concerts without dropping...

A Great Name for a Punk Band! "Penny Fiasco"

ONE HITTERS: It kinda doesn't seem worth it to almost die in a car crash trying to get a look at a girl who ends up being only marginally attractive at best.

"Hey miguel, isn't that the same joke you tweeted last week?"  Why yes it is the one person who follows me on Twitter.  But since i get hundreds of readers of every blog yet none of that crosses over to Twitter followers for some reason i'll just repeat my jokes until someone complains.  Which will be never i guess.

"Hey miguel, how come you don't put up any Kate Upton pictures anymore?"  First of all, stop addressing me with "Hey miguel!" Secondly you make a great point, because a little Kate always brings sunshine into my life even when it's an already beautiful day such as this.  She's like the whipped cream and cherry on top of a jizz sundae.  Well definitely the cherry part...

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - So the NBA is debating on whether they want to put corporate sponsors on their Jerseys.  And no, i'm not kidding.  Apparently all the advertising that gets shoved down our throats during the hundreds of time outs called in the last minute of a game, making the last minute of a basketball game last an extra 2 hours is not enough for these aholes to show commercials.  Now they want to plaster the Jersey with more logos so that greedy f'n millionaires can make even more money.  And i for one hope they do it, because i really hate the NBA and i enjoy when they make awful decisions to make their sport worse.  And the only reason i was watching at all the last few years was to see Lebron lose, so now that he's won a championship i can stop watching forever.  These corporate logos on their Jerseys will hopefully be the final nail in the NBA's coffin.

Fast Food Tips - Most decent people realize teachers do a ridiculous amount of work and don't get paid nearly what they are worth.  i mean let's be honest, even if you don't think a teacher is any good at their job the fact remains they still are basically in charge of your child's well being for almost the entire day.  So at the very least they should be paid a babysitters rate for watching your stupid kid for 8 hours.  And then multiply that by the 30 or so kids they watch in their classroom and all of a sudden we are paying our teachers the way we pay our actors and sports heroes in this country.  And we all know that will never happen!!  That makes way too much sense.

So instead of any of that, for "Teacher's Appreciation Day" Chipotle is having a special sale for Teachers today.  From 4 pm to close, if a teacher shows their ID they get buy one get one free of burritos, bowls, salads, or orders of tacos.  That should make up for all those bull$hit parent conferences and ever changing lesson plans you need to make!

Man i have got this blog thing down to a fine art, don't i?  If there were any awards for blogging i would definitely win them all!  "But miguel there are tons of awards for blogging!"  Really?  That's funny because shut the hell up!

But i hope everyone has a great week.  The first episode of my new show is almost done, even though we are going to finish a few of them before we start releasing them into the world.  So until then enjoy your day, tell people about my blog for crying out loud and i will see you all back here on Friday!

Cya, @migueljose_85

The audience changes every night. You're the same person. You have to speak your mind and do the stuff that you think is funny and makes you laugh. - Joe Rogan

THE BLOG WHERE I MET JOE ROGAN

What is up you savages?

Is everyone enjoying the best weather of all time this week??  Well if you're not like me then you've probably been stuck at work during most of it, but hopefully you've been able to make it out for lunch or enjoy it after you got out or something.  And Saturday is supposed to be 70 with zero clouds so it'll be the perfect end to a fantastic week!  Not counting a new "Game of Thrones" on Sunday night of course.  Which by the way, does everyone else think this is the greatest season ever or is it just me?  It's the greatest season ever?  Yeah that's what i thought.  Team Joffrey!

But yeah let's not get ahead of ourselves, it's still Friday and that is the gddamn Money!!  Friday should actually be the best day of the week, because once you leave work that is the longest possible time before you have to be at work again.  But Friday nights are typically ruined by being super tired from the long week, so unless you go to a happy hour RIGHT after work you usually just go home, have a glass or bottle of wine by yourself and the next thing you know you're passed out at 10 pm not returning any of the messages your friends left for you.

So basically my point is go to gddamn happy hour for crying out loud!!  You spend all week hanging out with these people in a cubicle doing bull$hit work while listening to whiny clients bitch about everything and nothing.  You'll suffer though all that awfulness with those people at work, so you might as well go have a drink and a few appetizers and laughs on a Friday before you pass out early yet again!

But i gotta be honest kids, i don't know what's been happening to me lately.  Because i am on FIRE!!  And no, i don't mean fire as in flaming gay, i mean that i'm on fire as in a fire burns in my stomach and heart that craves penis.  NO!!  i mean that for some reason lately things have just been really going good for me.  For some reason everything's coming up Millhouse!!  Basically what i'm saying is that with all due respect, my life is incredibly awesome right now, way better then all of yours.  And remember i'm saying this with all due respect, just like Ricky Bobby.  

But just as an example, did i tell all of you that i went to see Joe Rogan do stand up comedy last Friday?  i should have, Rogan is one of my favorite comics/people on this planet.  Some of you may remember him as the "Fear Factor"guy, while others of you probably know him from his commentary on the UFC.  A few others might even know he does stand up comedy, and maybe one or two of you know that he does a podcast called, "The Joe Rogan Experience."  And as much as like his stand up, and as much as i would hate to watch the UFC without him doing commentary, if i had to pick one thing for him to stick to it would be his podcast because man it is the best thing EVER!

If you've never heard it and i'm assuming you guys haven't, it's usually just him and his friend Brian Redban talking, and they usually have a guest on as well.  The guests are normally comics, but sometimes he has other celebrities or UFC fighters or just interesting people in general.  And he just hangs with them and talks about whatever, and it usually lasts over 2 hours.  Sound interesting to you?  Probably not because i did the worst job ever of explaining it.  But it's the gddamn money!!  There are no breaks, and after they talk about the sponsors in the beginning of the show they literally just bull$hit about whatever they want for a few hours and then it's over.  Sounds simple enough, but if you listen to other shows on the radio and hear all the shock jock garbage and nonstop commercials and breaks and the "forced" interviews that take place over whatever horrible product the person is selling, a podcast like Rogan's is the best thing ever.

And i got to meet him last Friday!  After the show he hung out after and took pictures with whoever waited in line to see him.  And lucky for me 2 of my friends were already on the front of the line and i got to sneak in with them so i didn't even have to wait.  Oh and before the show started i was walking the street and saw Joey "Coco" Diaz walk into a pizza shop and i got my picture with him too.  And i know some of you don't know who Joe Rogan is but i know even more of you don't know who Joey Diaz is.  And that's just a crime because he is super hilarious too!

But yeah back to my original point i'm kind of living the best life ever.  Oh and because oh yeah there are also two other things i haven't even told you about yet.  One is that i'm seeing the Silversun Pickups play a show on Cinco De Mayo this Sunday.  In addition my brother Ray let me know he got tickets to a Beck show in Brooklyn this August and he just hooked up tickets for that as well.  Oh and speaking of brothers my younger brother Tomas just told the entire family as well as everyone that he and his wife are expecting a baby in November, so apparently i'm going to be an uncle again.  Why is all of this good stuff happening to me??  i certainly don't deserve it but whatever, i'm not gonna question it.  Life usually sucks my butthole so if it's gonna be money right now i'm gonna take it!!

Oh and last and definitely least, my college friends that i do my annual camping trip with are coming by tomorrow to get whooped up in pong by yours truly.  Oh that's right Johnny Lats, all the overhead pull downs and seated rows in the world won't save you tomorrow my friend.  Bring on the weekend bitches!!  

Look at those lats...

RANDOM NONSENSE

-Speaking of best life ever, after the show i made sure to hit up the grease trucks at Rutgers in New Brunswick, just to confirm that it was the greatest night EVER.  If you don't know what the grease trucks are you obviously didn't see the Rutgers edition of "Man v Food" and you are blowing it.  But basically the grease truck serves normal  cheesesteak or chicken sandwiches, except on top of each one they add some of your favorite toppings like french fries, mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers and jalapeno poppers.  So yeah it's basically an orgasm in your mouth, i would suggest putting on a condom before eating just so you don't ruin your shorts.

-Speaking of having the perfect life, does everyone realize that "Arrested Development" is coming back for a 4th season this month?!?!  That's right kids, if you never saw this show you have until May 26th to watch every episode and get in on what is one of the funniest television shows of all time!  And when you do catch up, pictures like these will be guaranteed to make you laugh!

Whatever Happened To...  "Pinky and the Brain?"

Does anyone remember this cartoon?  That was definitely my favorite part of Animaniacs, although in general i was just a big fan of that show.  But the premise of Pinky and the Brain was comedy gold.  A genetically engineered mouse that is super smart, so much so that he wants to take over the world!  But also with him is his best friend and super moron Pinky who has a big heart and is an even bigger dumbass, and when these two were together hilarity ensued!  Which is normally something i would say when i'm being sarcastic, but for real i love this show and wonder what the F happened to it.  

And this is the part where Jewell Wikipedia's this show and let's me know what they are up to now.  Because apparently Jewell hates this bit because while i do ask the question "Whatever happened to..." i never really answer it.  Which just goes to show how observant Jewell is and what a poor writer i happen to be.

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - i think Egg rolls are weird and disgusting.  i always give them a chance, mostly because they are free and i love free stuff.  But ugh, i just can't dig them.  What are they anyway?  It's like fried cole slaw and Chinese onions are weird stuff like cat and whatever.  That's what they taste like to me anyways.  And i try them in different sauces but it is always still just kinda gross and i can't eat more then one or two bites before i'm finito.  And i wish i could get another free thing when i order Chinese food instead of Egg rolls since i don't dig them.  Like i wish i could get boneless barbecue spare ribs instead or that garbage.  "But miguel they can't do that, that costs so much more!  They'd never do that switch!"  That's why i said "i wish" ahole.  What am i not gonna wish for the best possible thing?  Please don't take away my dreams.

Fast Food Tips - With the weather FINALLY warming up, it's time to get ready for the wonderful summer deals that will be unveiled by fast food places everywhere.  Now while Burger King might not have the best treats, it'd be hard to say they don't have the cheapest!  This is because BK has just introduced their new Frozen Coke and Frozen Cherry drinks for 75 cents!  Even my Jewish friend Chuck can afford to take his family out with prices like these!  Which is f*cked up to say, because Chuck isn't even that cheap.  He just likes to be "aware" of what everyone is paying towards the bill, and he truly believes a penny saved is a penny earned.  And i mean he REALLY believes that because i swear if that kid sees a penny on the street even if there is a ton of traffic he starts RUNNING towards it!!

i love you Ruckus! Can't wait to see you fools 2mrw!

"OMG miguel please keep telling us about your perfect life!"  Thanks, person who definitely didn't think or say that.  i appreciate you rooting for me.  And don't get me wrong, there's plenty of $hitty things going on with me that i could be depressed about like my finances and job situation and what not.  i just choose to be happy because what else are you going to do in this life?

So i hope you all choose to do the same, i hope you all start listening to the Joe Rogan podcast, and i hope all of you have as great of a weekend as i'm about to have, even though that's impossible!

Cya Tuesday,  @migueljose_85

You know what's the worst thing about somebody breaking up with you? It's when you remember how little you thought about the people you broke up with and you realize that is how little they're thinking of you. You know, you'd like to think you're both in all this pain but they're just like "Hey, I'm glad you're gone". - Jesse "Before Sunrise"

A BLOG ABOUT MEN AND WOMEN

What is up kids?

So has everyone seen the movies, "Before Sunrise" and "Before Sunset"?  i mean i guess you don't have to watch them, unless of course you'd like to know what true love is REALLY all about...

But yeah i guess you could say i'm a big sensitive pu$$y when it comes to the subject of "love."  i mean i'd like to lie to you say that i'm not, but i couldn't do that to my faithful readers.  Not when you would see right through me in two seconds anyway.  i mean i already told you that i cried at the scene with Jessie in "Toy Story 2" where Sara McLaughlin sings "When She Loved Me."  i mean honestly, what more do you want from me?!?!

But even being a sucker for love like i am, there are definitely some problems that i've noticed between men and women that i'd like to talk about today if i might.  Like for example, when it comes to men in relationships do you ladies want to know what the biggest problem guys have with their women?  It's not that you gals don't understand sports, or because you make your boyfriends watch shows like "Top Chef" and "Real Housewives of White Trash America."  Those are the kinds of things that men can actually deal with.

The thing that bothers the guy the most though, is how much time his girl wants to spend with him.  Can you believe that?  Well you should because it's true.  Most guys biggest problem is how often their girl wants to be with their man.  This is the woman that at first the man was DYING to get.  You know, the girl he loved with all of his heart and the one person he spent countless sleepless nights dreaming about and hoping that one day they would be together.  And now the guy gets her and she wants to spend all of her time with him because she loves him and thinks the world of him... and it drives the guy f*cking crazy!!

So yeah, some beautiful girl wants to spend all of her time with her marginally attractive at best boyfriend yet this is what ends up being the biggest problem in the relationship.  Why are guys such idiots?  Why do we complain about the thing that we once wanted more then anything in the world?   For real, this is the true definition of "White people" problems.  Do you know what white people problems are?  Louie C.K. explained it best, but they are the kind of problems white people make up to be depressed about when in reality they already have everything in life one could ever need.  They already own a house and a car, a loving wife and family as well as all the food they can eat and all the friends one could hope to cherish and love.  These people have everything, but instead of being happy they invent things to be depressed over.  Just like men in relationships!

So trust me guys, every time you get annoyed that your girl is asking you to go that Christening you don't want to go to, or when she makes those plans to go apple picking during football season, or even when she invites you to meet all of her old college friends that you heard all those awful stories about that you never thought you would have to meet...

Just be happy she's with you, you silly basterd!!  Of course you don't want to do those things, but of course if we started doing things that we wanted she could bang someone who is much hotter and has a much bigger penis then you.  And speaking of penises, stop being such a dick and make sure you let that girl know how much you love her and appreciate her!!  And never forget the old saying, "A happy wife equals a happy nothing, because as any guy knows having a happy wife and/or girlfriend is gddamn impossible!!"  :)

RANDOM NONSENSE

-i hate when people call out politicians by saying, "they are only saying and/or doing that to get elected!" Oh yeah?  No f'n $hit buddy!  That's kind of their job, don'tcha think?  You might as well call out a guy for doing anything to try and get laid.

 A Great Name for a Punk Band! "The Diddly Squats" or "The Jack Squats,"  whichever you prefer i guess.  That's two for one though kids, you are WELCOME!

-Do i ever talk about abortion?  i'm guessing no, even though it's HILARIOUS!  But to be honest i don't even get the argument against being "Pro Choice."  It's supposed to be a free gddamn country isn't it?  You're telling me that men will fight for the right to own guns and assault weapons and carry 30 round clips without background checks, yet a woman shouldn't have the right to decide what to do with her own body?  Yeah that sounds about right.  No guy should have ANY input on what a woman does with her child.  None.  Can't everyone just leave everyone alone?  Why the f*ck does anyone care if that chick over there had an abortion, or if that guy wants to marry that other guy?  That does not keep me up at night.  Grow up everyone who doesn't get it.

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE -  This one applies to those of us who have ever been a waiter or waitress before.  And oh yeah, if you have never worked as one in your life you are probably a real ahole.  But to those of us who have, don't you just love the people at restaurants that have to calculate the tip they give you EXACTLY?  Like when the bill is $11.39 and those cheap basterds only want to tip you 10% they will literally calculate it out and give you $1.15 to the penny?  Really guy?  Thanks a$$face.  Definitely don't round it up or anything.  Obviously it would KILL you to just give me 2 beans.  Don't you realize how insulting 15 cents is?  Of  course you don't, because you live in a your own world that revolves soley around you and because you are a cheap ahole.  If i'm ever a waiter again and someone tries to pull this $hit on me i'm not even going to accept the tip anymore.  Instead i will bring them back the full $1.15 and tell them, "i'm sorry, but your tip has been declined."  The jerk0ff customer won't get it but it sure as hell will make me laugh!!

And yes i know that 10% of $11.39 is $1.14 or actually $1.139 if you want to be an exact dick about it.  i just like to make you OCD math nerds a little angry for a hot one.  i apologize that doing so is something that makes me laugh.  No i don't.

Fast Food Tips - So if you read this blog then you should know by now that i have given up eating fast food for 2013.  Not writing about fast food or whacking off when i watch commercials about it, i've just given up the eating part.  And to be honest it's not really that difficult, because i never really crave fast food THAT badly.  But if there is one thing i miss it's fast food breakfast, because there is nothing better then starting your day with a greasy McDonald's sausage McGriddle and then ending your day on the bowl shortly thereafter.

But if you like McDonald's breakfast and would just like it to be a tad less worse for you body well then you prayers have been answered.  McDonald's now offers all of it's egg sandwiches with egg whites and creamy white cheddar.  From the Egg White McGriddle to the Egg White McMuffin, this brand new line sounds so good i just covered the front of my shorts with my own personal creamy white cheddar!  Bon Appetite kids!

And that's it for me today!  Although people always ask me, "Hey miguel!  What does it really look like when you "pop" all over yourself thinking about these fast food items?"  And while i know no one has really ever asked me that before ever, and while i certainly don't want to gross out any of my readers, here is a gingerbread representation of what it looks like when i "pop" my pants around a group of friends...

"C'mon miguel, GROW UP!"  Never!  And i will see you guys on Friday for my next blog!!

Although before i go, once again i have a super exclusive interview on "Here Comes the Money!"

MY SECOND INTERVIEW EVER!!  This time i was able to speak to NBA player Jason Collins, who is the first pro athlete of any major sports to come out as "the gay."  As you could imagine he is extremely busy these days, with everyone from Stephen Colbert to Oprah wanting to interview him.  But as luck would have it, i was able to ask this brave young man one quick question.  And when i asked him if he had any words to the gay community, as well as any words to potential gay athletes that may want to seek him out for advice, Jason Collins simply said...

HELLO DICKS!

Cya Friday!  @migueljose_85