Tuesday, August 26, 2014

I never apologize Lisa. I'm sorry but that's just the way I am. - Homer Simpson


THE LAST BLOG UNTIL AFTER LABOR DAY

What is up kids?

It's the last blog i write until after Labor Day!  Although i have to ask you all one really important question, what the hell are you doing reading this?  Why aren't you watching the Simpsons marathon that's going on right now on FXX?  Wait, what do you mean you don't have a clue what i'm talking about?!?!  Right now on FXX they are showing, in order, EVERY. SIMPSONS. EVER.
And watching this marathon has been the best thing ever for a lot of reasons, if not only to cement the fact that this is the greatest show of all time.  i mean yeah yeah "Breaking Bad" was the money.  But how many episodes did they even have of that show? 62?  That would have only gotten you into the beginning of Season 4 of the Simpsons for crying out loud!
And yeah yeah, i've been talking about this marathon NON STOP for the last few months as well as every day that it's been on.  But what the hell else am i going to watch on television, the VMA's?  Who f'n watches that garbage anymore?  i mean here's all you need to know about the music industry, they gave Best Rock video to Lorde for crying out loud.  And i'm not saying Lorde ain't money because she's definitely very talented.  But best Rock video?  i haven't seen a travesty that bad since Aerosmith's "Janie's Got a Gun" lost Best Video to Sinead O'Connor's "Nothing Compares to You!"  And sure Sinead's song is incredible and it makes me cry when i hear it.  But the video was terrible!  It was nothing but her bald face crying at the camera!  Aerosmith's "Janie's Got a Gun" was a mini movie for crying out loud!  And a pretty good one! And yes i realize none of you have a clue what i'm talking about, i'm an old man for goodness sake!
But anyways, despite everything i've said already about this Simpsons marathon i still can't express enough how fun it's been to watch it and remember where i was the first time i watched these episodes.  i mean this show has been on television since 1989!  And while none of the characters ever aged on this show, my entire childhood was spent growing up with the Simpsons.  A joy i get to relive as i get to see my nephew grow up watching this show as well.  So in addition to all of the old memories and nostalgia i already feel, i can now enjoy talking about it to my nephew who is also a HUGE fan of the Simpsons!  Which means i also get to watch a new generation of my family fall in love with this show, and i have to say this is one of the moneyest things EVER.

And it's also why i will continue to say that the Simpsons is the greatest show of all time.  And whether you've watched as many episodes as humanly possibly like i have during this marathon or you haven't seen a second of it yet, now is the time to go put it on and enjoy the greatest comedy that humans have ever created.  Or you can not watch it and keep blowing it in life, but my advice to you is to stop blowing it and start watching already!!!

RANDOM NONSENSE

- So i know none of my teacher friends want to hear this and to be honest it hurts me to say it, but school is right around the corner!  i know, i know, i'm sorry i said it!  But if there is one good thing about going back to school is that now is the perfect time to re-watch the 3rd Episode of the second greatest show of all time "VHS Breakdown" where we review the Rodney Dangerfield classic, "Back to School!"

And it's funny because out of all the people who've watched it there was only one YouTube viewer who noticed that i gave the wrong year at the beginning of the episode and as far as i know that's the only time we've made that mistake on our show.  But i'll tell you all the same thing i told that random YouTube commentator, that was an ACTUAL power hour that i did before filming this episode so give me a break!  And enjoy our breakdown of "Back to School!"
Speaking of "VHS Breakdown" we are currently on hiatus at the moment.  But we have some BIG plans and we'll be back soon with a brand new website, and all new PODCAST, and of course Season Three of VHS Breakdown!
A Great Name for a Punk Band! "The Lack Lusters"

That one was from Rob, and probably one of my favorite band names of all time.  If you think you could do better i'd like to see you try!

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - So i talk to myself.  Like, a LOT.  Not like crazy person a lot but definitely borderline that much, and i can definitely see it's getting worse as i get older.  "You're already old!"  Shut up person blowing up my spot right after my birthday!  Although i guess admitting i talk to myself like a nutjob isn't helping anything.  For real, i talk to myself at home, in the car, in public... wow i guess i kinda do it all of the time.  i probably got this trait from my dad, he does it a decent amount as well.  Although you would too if you had 5 kids!
But whatever, i've been thinking about it and i've finally realized yesterday that i'm okay with talking to myself  Why wouldn't i be? i talk to plenty of aholes and dumbasses during the day that aren't nearly as smart or as funny as i am, let alone who are as attractive and/or have as nice a penis!  And anyways, when i talk to myself i'm at least talking to someone who will get my jokes.  And plus figure if i'm going to grow increasingly insane i might as well embrace it.  And all of you should embrace my insanity too, unless you want me to murder you in your sleep of course.  HAHAHAHA I'M JUST KIDDING!!! :) !!  haha...

"OLD SCHOOL" Tips for Video Games: i don't really have any tips for this game other then to say it helps if you are EXTREMELY racist...

Thanks to Jay John for that picture because all that kid does is post ruthless pics on Facebook all day like a lunatic.

But alright fine, some of you may have noticed i haven't done this video game tip bit in a while.  So it'd probably be cool if i had an actual tip for this bit.  So here ya go, the new Super Mario Brothers game is coming out soon!
Alright fine, the real "tip" here is for all of you no life having nerds to stop playing video games and start hitting on hot broads who will hopefully play with your own personal joystick one day!

Fast Food Tips - So hopefully you'll be at a BBQ with your friends and/or family this Labor Day weekend and the last place you'll end up is a Quick Chek.  But if you are a poor pathetic loser and you end up there then you're in luck because they are having a Labor Day Sub Spectacular from August 29th to September 1st where all 6 inch subs are $1.99!  So have fun at your BBQ's you popular people, my lonely ass will be going to town on cheap good sandwiches!
And that's it for me this week kids!  And i would apologize for only putting out one blog last week on my birthday and only putting out one blog the week before a long holiday weekend but if you read my quote to start this blog you realize i NEVER apologize!  So have a great end of August everyone, party it up as much as possible, don't end up at Quick Check the way i plan on doing and i'll see you kids in September!



Friday, August 22, 2014

Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart. No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet, death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it, and that is how it should be, because death is very likely the single best invention of life. It's life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. - Steve Jobs

THE BLOG THAT i TOOK OFF BECAUSE OF MY BIRTHDAY

What is up kids?

"Hey A$$hole, don't give us "What is up kids?"!?!"  Where the f*ck were you on Tuesday with an all new blog?  You never even told us you were taking off!"  Why no, no i didn't.  And for that i do apologize to my faithful readers, because after over 3 1/2 years of writing these over 325 blogs i finally got ghetto and just didn't put one up.  But it wasn't my fault!  i had started my birthday blog and had planned to have it ready, but then i ran into some computer issues and unfortunately i wasn't able to post it on Tuesday. But i hope you can forgive me! Plus  i was too busy partying on my birthday to post a new blog!
"Whoo hoo birthday boy!"  Yeah yeah Tuesday was my birthday.  Whoever took the under on whether i would make it to this age alive go f yourself, you lost!  i don't blame you for taking that bet though, the odds were heavily in your favor...

Hey, wait a minute.  That's the joke i started off my blog with the only time i posted a blog on my actual birthday back in 2011.  And while i'm a big fan of reusing my old material i think my loyal readers deserve a brand new opening for this brand new birthday blog!  So here goes...

What is up kids?

Well i can tell you one thing that's up, and that's me in age.  And that's because today's my birthday!

"Whoo hoo birthday boy!  Now you're not just fat, you're fat AND old!  And unfunny!  i mean really, "up in age?"  Did you really think we'd let you get off with such a lame joke just because it's your birthday?"  Why yes, yes i did.  But the fact that you expect more from me even in my advanced years makes me feel good.  In fact, it makes me feel great!  Because it's a beautiful day to be alive my friends, and what's better then spending my birthday with my family and my girl and my friends?  Nothing, that's what.  Days like this is what's life is all about, and i'm going to enjoy every second of it!  Even the hours that i'm spending at work today!

Yup, you heard me right. i'm actually at work on my birthday.  Which is really a rookie mistake to make, because who wants to be at work on their birthday?  Psychos, that's who.   Although a veteran will tell you that you should never take off from work on the day of your birthday.  You take the day AFTER off so you can go to work, get all the birthday attention showered on you that you deserve, and then party all night and spend the day after your birthday recovering!  Although since i didn't take the day after my birthday off either i really am straight up BLOWING it this year.  Next thing you know i won't even get to post this blog today!  Which is kind of sad, because you would figure after being on this planet for 52 years i would finally start to figure out SOMETHING...
But no i haven't learned a thing, and apparently i'm know smarter then i was when i first popped into this world kicking and streaming.  Although i'm not really sure if i was brought in kicking and screaming on my first birthday.  i mean my memory of that day is foggy at best.  i remember there being a lot of light, and me being covered in blood and goo and there were a lot of people staring at me in masks.  Which is funny, because that is LITERALLY the exact same way i celebrated my birthday party last Saturday night, completely covered in goo!
But that was last weekend, and now my birthday suit has been rinsed and scrubbed and i'm smelling great and feeling fresh!   And i know what you're thinking, and you're welcome for me putting this image in your head!  Although speaking of keeping things fresh, since it is my birthday and i believe that i've earned the right to post a blog late AND be lazy and post old stuff, i'm going to leave you off with a rant i wrote for another birthday blog.  It's one that still makes me laugh, so hopefully it does for you too.  And if it doesn't oh well, just pretend it does and it can be one last birthday present for me!  Thanks so much everyone!

What is up kids?

Blog 149 and i'm feeling fine... plus it's my birthday weekend!  Alright fine who am i kidding, it's my birthday month and i haven't stopped partying once!  Because i'll be honest my friends, i am a HUGE fan of my birthday.  i mean don't get me wrong, yeah i'm getting kind of sick of this whole getting older thing.  But whatever, sleeping with an 18 year old girl is legal in this country whether i am 24 or i'm 54.  So who cares how old i'm getting?  i follow the laws of this country, of AMERICA.  And if banging an 18 year old teen is legal, and as long as i obey the laws of this great nation i consider myself a patriot and a great American.  US and A!  US and A!  US and A!


RANDOM NONSENSE

-- If there's one thing i dig about getting older it's not having to do my laundry at a laundromat anymore.  Isn't that the WORST??? i actually have less respect for people who have never had to do their laundry at a laundromat, because they don't know the struggle the rest of us have had to deal with.  Like for example, the fact that every Laundromat is THE SHADIEST PLACE ON EARTH! 

There are always nothing but the ugliest and creepiest people ever around, you always put your laundry in and then leave and when you come back there are no dryers available, and you're always pretty sure someone tries on your underwear when you're not around.  And i don't mean after it's clean!  And of course these machines don't take debit cards and you have to go looking for quarters like you're a teenager in the 80's playing video games.  And the best thing is when you're finally done and get home and then you realize you forgot to empty your hamper and now you have to go back again.  But yeah getting old sucks my balleens but never having to go to the laundromat is the moneyest thing ever!  Although can anyone explain to me why it's spelled laundromat and not "laundrymat?" i just can't figure it out...
- So besides reading my blog and letting me get away with not posting on on Tuesday, and also letting me reuse a ton of old material for today's blog i do want to ask you all for ONE more present.  And that's to watch the Season Finale of "VHS Breakdown" Season One, "Revenge of the Nerds" one more time! This episode has WAY less views then it should, especially considering it's one of the most EPIC shows we've ever done.  It's one of my favorite movies ever, we literally wrap up our entire first season in amazing fashion and the ending is so touching that i literally shed a tear every time i watch it.  Now if i could only shed some pounds as well my life would be perfect!

"Facebook Etiquette"-

- i know i've mentioned it one or 85 times or so but in case you didn't know FXX is now showing a marathon of every, Simpsons, EVER!!!
If you don't think i'm going to try and spend every possibly second watching as much of this marathon that i can then you are insane in the old membrane because i f'n LOVE the Simpsons.  In fact, if we had only one thing that we could send future generations to show them how amazingly funny and smart and gifted we were as a human race i would send them a copy of this marathon and that's it.  And don't give me that $hit about this show not being funny after the 4th season.  i'd put seasons 5-12 against ANY other shows and it'd be right in the conversation of funniest show ever, no contest!  And if you don't agree with me on this that's fine, because opinions are like a$$holes and if you don't think the Simpsons are the moneyest show ever then you're an a$$hole!

A Great Name for a Punk Band! The Jack A Ninnies

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE- Speaking of birthdays, while i do love my birthday and all, and while i personally have my birthday "month" where i basically do whatever i want all of August, i absolutely HATE surprise parties.  Not because i hate parties, but because the idea of a "surprise" party is so f*cked up!!  So let me get this straight, ALL of my closest friends and even my family members are going to get together and go behind my back so they can come up with some HUGE lie that they are going to tell me right to my face???  i'll tell you right now, i am NOT comfortable with that knowledge!!  

And who's the one who throws these surprise parties? It's always your best friend or your girlfriend or brother or your wife or sister or mother, whoever is closest to you in this life and has your most trust.  Because yeah that's awesome, it's good to know that i would actually take a bullet for you and there are secrets i know about you that i would take to my grave.  But you on the other hand, have NO PROBLEM gathering everyone i know behind my back in order to come up with a huge conspiracy of lies just to get me to show up at a random restaurant on a Friday night.  i'm tired of the lies, i'm tired of not being able to trust those closest to me, and i'm gddamn tired of surprise parties!!
And that's it for me today kids!  Thanks to everyone for all of your birthday wishes, and thanks for forgiving me for being too lazy to post a new blog on my birthday and still coming back to read me today.  i had one of the best birthdays ever, and i have to thank my parents and my sister Rachael (who's birthday is tomorrow!) and my friends who came to my party and most importantly my girlfriend who did everything to make sure i had the best day.  i've definitely got this getting older thing down now, so once i get the getting wiser part as well my life will be perfect.  But until then i'll just keep writing blogs until i get there i guess.  Starting with this one and the one i will put out this Tuesday.  i promise!

Cya on Tuesday, for reals this time! @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Friday, August 15, 2014

Happiness does not depend on outward things, but on the way we see them. - Leo Tolstoy

 THE LAST BLOG i WRITE BEFORE TURNING ANOTHER YEAR OLDER...

What is up kids?

i'm not sure, but can someone tell me why cops are shooting unarmed black kids like hotcakes these days?  Whether it be choke holds to a guy whose biggest crime is selling loose cigarettes, or shooting an unarmed teen in Walmart that is holding a BB gun that is sold at the store, and then never releasing the name of the cop who shot him and then sending armed men with machine guns and tanks to a protest of said shooting, cops sure don't look that great in the media these days.
That picture above DEFINITELY shows the correct response to a bunch of peaceful, unarmed protesters who are exercising their Constitutional rights to speak out against injustice!  It's a good thing these cops responded the same way when there was an armed white militia pointing guns at the Bundy ranch!  Oh wait, now i remember.  Cops were nowhere to be found at the Bundy ranch.  How convenient!  Although i guess it makes sense, you wouldn't want to send a bunch of cops dressed like this to a protest where white people have guns.  That might actually be dangerous!
And am i saying all cops are power hungry racist monsters?  No, of course not.  i know plenty of cops that are good people, and when most of them pull me over just for being a Hispanic driving a car in Bergen County they are very gentle with their cavity searches and even throw in a nice tickle to my taint here and there.  And to be honest even as i speak on these troubling issues i won't even pretend to know all of the facts of these cases and/or try to make a strong point either way on who's right and who is wrong.  Because i'm not going to sit here and pretend like i know everything that's going on just to fit my own personal narrative and then pass on said ignorance to my readers.  i mean yeah i do that with pretty much every other rant/bit that i do on this blog, but not with this one!
 But despite all that i will say there is definitely something wrong with the police culture in this country.  And while it just may be a few bad apples that are ruining the bunch something still needs to be done IMMEDIATELY.  Like first off, why don't the police have cameras with them all of the time?  Obviously they aren't doing anything illegal if they are cops, what would they possibly be afraid of having on videotape?  And to all you people that are so in favor of people on welfare having to take drug tests before they can get any money, don't you also believe police should film everything they do so that we can hold them accountable as well?  Or are you only concerned with poor black people spending money on alcohol and drugs, and not with the police being held responsible for their actions?  Seems just a tad hypocritical to me.
Although i don't know, filming the police seems like it would make WAY too much sense which means it'll probably never happen.  i mean yeah instead of just accepting the word of a man who's in uniform seems to work fine for them now, but if we filmed everything the cops were doing then maybe we could have an objective look at the facts instead of just taking a policeman's word for everything and assuming that cops would never lie.  For some reason that doesn't make sense to me...
But whatever, enough of this garbage for one day.  i feel lucky and privileged that i can comment and joke about these issues without personally being involved or affected, but the truth is two people that didn't need to die are now dead with one of them being a teenager.  A teenager that will never know what it feels like to turn 20 let alone 30, and that is a tragedy.

Although speaking of turning 30 my birthday is this Tuesday! Holy $hitballs everyone!  And to all of you taking bets that my obesity and sloth would have stopped my heart by now and that i would have never made it to this age well you can go suck it!  So enough with these tragedies for one day, and enough with the police brutality.   i'm just going to focus on my own happiness and the love that surrounds me and my family and my girl and my friends.  Because like we learned on the Series Finale of Wilfred that almost brought me to tears, happiness does not depend on outward things, but on the way we see them.

RANDOM NONSENSE

- So yeah forget my birthday this Tuesday, we're only 7 DAYS AWAY before FXX airs EVERY. SIMPSONS. EVER!
And if wondering what my all time favorite episode is, and unless you hate comedy and awesomeness of course you are, my favorite/best episode of the Simpsons ever is "i Love Lisa," the 15th episode of what most people consider the greatest season, Season 4.  If you haven't seen this one you are kinda blowing it in life, but it's the one where Lisa gives Ralph Wiggum a Valentine's day card because no one else did and she feels bad for him and then he falls in love with her.  From top to bottom this is best episode i've ever seen, and if anyone disagrees or thinks otherwise please let me know in the comments here and/or on Facebook!
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - So when i buy eggs at the store i never check my eggs first to see if any of them are broken.  Is that what everybody does?  It seems like it would make sense to just give them a quick once over and make sure that none of the eggs you bought are broken already.  And i know that's the smart thing to do and that i should do it every time.  But instead i've decided that i'll just take the chance and hope for the best because i'm too stupid to take that 2-3 seconds to open the carton.  Am i the only one this lazy?  i don't even really have a bit here, i'm just wondering.
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - Why do people only drink eggnog during the holidays?  I love egg nog, i think its delicious.  But other then Christmas and Easter i never let myself enjoy a glass.  Which is bull$hit because it's delicious!  So why do i wait for it once a year?  Same thing goes for deviled eggs.  i LOVE deviled eggs but besides Easter i pretty much never eat them except on the rare occasion somebody really awesome makes them.   And again i don't really have a bit here, it's just odd to me.  Two fantastic egg treats, and for some unknown reason i only enjoy them semi-annually.
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - i think Egg rolls are weird and disgusting.  i always give them a chance, mostly because they come free with whatever else i order and i sure do love free stuff.  But ugh, i just can't like them.  What are they anyway?  It's like fried cole slaw and Chinese onions are weird stuff like cat and whatever, or at least that's what they taste like to me anyways.  And i try to dip them in different sauces to make them better, but it is always still just kinda gross and i can't eat more then one or two bites before i'm finito. 

And it'd be nice if i could substitute another free thing when i order Chinese food instead of Egg rolls since i don't dig them.  Like i wish i could get boneless barbecue spare ribs instead or that garbage.  "But miguel they can't do that, that costs so much more!  They'd never do that switch!"  That's why i said "it'd be nice" ahole.  What am i not gonna wish for the best possible thing?  Please don't take away my dreams people.
Fast Food FACTS Do you guys know how to tell if eggs are fresh or not?  i had a conversation recently about fresh eggs because i'm a stupid grown up now and that's what stupid grown ups do.  But i was intrigued to hear how amazing super fresh eggs taste and now i'm kind of obsessed with them.  Anyways if you are obsessed with fresh eggs the way i am, here is a helpful chart to help increase your insanity!
Fast Food Tips - "Hey a$$hole!  That's enough bits about gddamn eggs!  And these are all old bits that you've done already, how about something new you lazy unfunny basterd?!?"  True, i guess those last few bits do smell a little, rotten.  But yeah i agree, enough about eggs.  How about chickens?!?  Because if you haven't heard Burger King has just brought back their "Chicken Fries," which i'm guessing they're doing because those lowfat garbage "Satisfries" they tried pushing on us a while ago were terrible and yet another marketing blunder by corporate douchebags who don't understand the product they sell which is unhealthy awfulness.
BK describes them as "premium white meat chicken, coated in a light crispy breading seasoned with savory spices and herbs." i describe them as unknown mystery meat coated in carby nonsense that in no way should be described using the words "savory" or "spices" or "herbs" or "chicken."  But lucky for Burger King and all fast food places there is zero truth in advertising.  So enjoy your "premium" white meat chicken, which is obviously what America prefers over a healthier alternative.  

And oh yeah, here's one last message to Burger King's "healthy" Satisfries...

LATER DICKS!

"Here’s another question I have: how come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelet? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden?" 
- George Carlin

And that's it for me today kids!  i hope everyone has a great weekend and if you're around my house this Saturday i hope you stop by for my epic birthday party!  And by "epic" i mean i'm going to get really drunk and angry and probably pass out by 8:30 because i'm an old f*ck who can't hold his liquor and never could.

But thanks for reading my blog, i hope i made you think and/or laugh at least once and please feel free to share with others that like doing those things as well.  It can be an early birthday present for me!  Although speaking of my birthday, i'll see you guys next Tuesday when it actually IS my birthday!

Cya Tuesday, @migueljose_85 on Twitter


Tuesday, August 12, 2014

I'll fake it through the day with some help from Johnnie Walker Red. Send the poison rain down the drain to put bad thoughts in my head. Two tickets torn in half and a lot of nothing to do. Do you miss me, Miss Misery, like you say you do? - Elliot Smith "Miss Misery"


THE BLOG WHERE I AM WHAT I AM & THAT'S ALL THAT I AM 

What is up kids?

At the moment it's me but i can't lie my friends, i am TIRED as i write this.  i'm also super hilarious and sexy, but all the same i am BEAT right now.  Although if i'm being honest, isn't this the same way i start off EVERY blog these days now that i'm working again?  Hopefully i'm not being a broken record on these rants.

"Well if by "broken record" you mean you're consistently being not funny on your blog day in and day out, and that all you do is cry about working like a little pu$$y even though you've only had a job for 2 1/2 weeks well then you just might be the broken record of the movie soundtrack for "Groundhog's Day!" In fact,  isn't your name Ned?  Ryerson?  Needle nose Ned!"
Yeah, yeah, so i'm a crybaby these days.  i'm getting older and i'm tired all the time and i'm turning into a whiny, complainy bitch boy with sand in his vagina.  Are you happy now?  i can't help it!  My birthday is a week from today and to be honest i can't say that i'm the biggest fan of it coming up.  i mean don't any of you realize just how creepy it would be for me to be dating any 18 year old right now?  It's finally getting kinda weird!  "Oh really, an 18 year old?  What was his name?"  C'mon, JEWELL!!
Anyways, i'm just kidding about being depressed.   i'm a huge fan of my birthday, and i don't really care about getting older.  i mean yeah i'm not the young buck i once was, and yeah maybe my hangovers last 3 or 4 days now and i can't drink and party like i used to, and no one seems to be impressed when i drink so much that i get angry and black out anymore.  And yeah i'm definitely not getting any skinnier, and the wrinkles in my face and around my eyes are much more pronounced these days, and i find grey hairs in my beard when i shave and the hairs on my forehead seem to be leaving town quicker then an uneducated moron runs to a Sarah Palin rally.
Sure you can win, idiot.  But yeah it definitely doesn't bother me to be getting older.  Why should it?  i feel lucky enough just to be able to enjoy another birthday.  i mean honestly, if you don't realize every day on this planet is a gift then you should probably get your priorities straight in your life.  It's a MIRACLE that we're even here!  And i don't even mean just being alive, i mean being lucky enough to be born in America, at a time where the world is connected through the interwebs and we have 1000's of channel on our T.V. and have every single song we could ever want to listen to on our phones!  We literally live in the best possible time in our short history, so why would you ever be sad about getting to enjoy another birthday?  This ride doesn't last forever kids, so i say enjoy it for as much and as long as you can!

"Really?  Is that what you say miguel?  Because i'm pretty sure there are like a million other people who ever said this a million times before.  You're not saying anything new you unoriginal hack!"  
No, i definitely didn't make up that saying, or that "mantra" if you will.  But that doesn't make it any less true, and it doesn't mean that people don't need to be reminded about that time and again.  See i write this blog because i'm an attention needing whore bag, and if telling jokes and stealing memes from the interwebs gets that attention for me so be it.  But i also write this blog to remind you all just how silly all of this is, and how crazy we are to take anything in this life too seriously.  i mean yeah we can hate our jobs, or feel heart broken about a lost love, or even a relative that we miss.  And we can get mad at how awful everything is in this world from the constant wars we seem to be in and the hatred that people feel towards gays and minorities or even towards people who like a different sports team then they do.

Yeah we can all do and feel all of that. Or we can just sit back, enjoy the ride of being alive and just laugh at the nonsense.  Which isn't possible to do all the time, but at least you can do it for a little while here twice a week every Tuesday and Friday on "Here Comes the Money..."  And you can also fill my insatiable ego as well!  It's win win for everyone!

RANDOM NONSENSE

- So can i just donate money for ALS without dumping ice cold water on my dome?  Is that possible?  Why do people always have to do such wacky $hit in order for people to donate money towards a cause?  Personally i rarely donate to anything because i've got zero funds in my pocket.  Having no job for 4 years will do that to you.  But whether it's running a 5k where people throw paint on you, or filming dumping yourself pouring ice on your head to get people to donate i feel like it's kind of a sad state that the only way people will help each other is if you get to wear a yellow rubber band around your wrist in order to raise money for a cause like cancer.  Although now that i think about it that steroid using bike rider raised a TON of money to support cancer so i guess all this nonsense can't be too bad.  Have fun with your ice baths you psychos!

mIGUEL'S MONEY MOVIE REVIEW!! -  So while i don't really get that hurt up about celebrities dying that i've never even met, it's still a sad thing to me when a fellow human being loses his or her life in this world.  So i will say that if i had to pick my favorite Robin Williams movie i would have to pick "Jumanji."  And yeah i know the quote i used from Elliot Smith to start off this blog came from the movie "Good Will Hunting" and of course Jewell was thinking that's what i would pick as my favorite Williams movie.  C'mon, JEWELL!!

But i actually dig Jumanji better, despite the fact that i know G Will Hunting was the better movie.  For some reason i remember being home one day and the movie coming on HBO or something and i just happened to catch it, and i was literally hooked from the first scene till the end of the film.  i remember thinking that it was pretty good for a kids movie, because it was actually kind of ruthless and scary and that it probably wasn't for really young kids.  But it's definitely a movie worth watching and if it's ever on you should check it out, because it's pretty entertaining and it's a enjoyable fun ride that the whole family will enjoy!

And i also love this movie because Hitler would have probably hated it.  He would have wanted to take the "Jew" out of Jumanji that's for sure!

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE- Did you ever notice how much girls love the Disney movie "Aladdin".  "OMG miguel i love that movie!" Yeah yeah, i know.  And good, you should love that movie.  And the real reason i'm glad girls love that movie so much is because if you're a girl and you love "Aladdin" what you are basically saying is that you are a fan of the idea of banging a dirty, thieving minority just to make your parents mad.

Because that's all the movie is really about, isn't it?  Forget the whole genie and other nonsense, this movie was about a girl who loved a dirtbag who her parents hated.  And i dig that whole concept BAD.  Because let's be honest, most white girls know their parents wouldn't be happy if they brought home some illegal, brown skinned thief, especially when they are from a well to do family in the nice part of town.  But that's why deep down, all you ladies have those secret feelings of having wild crazy sex with a dirty, filthy minority, and the fact that he's not good for you and the fact that he's poor, and the fact that your parents would go nuts if they ever found out only makes it hotter.  So keep enjoying the movie "Aladdin" my female friends! Trust me, the message you are trying to send out is getting to me loud and clear. And for the record i look great in a vest, and you can pet my monkey all you want!

Fast Food Tips -  i'm a big fan of McDonalds, which is probably easy to tell by looking as my vast waistline.  But if there is one downfall from going there, it's the downfall of diarrhea that comes from my butt cheeks after eating anything on their menu.  The only thing i could think of that's worse then that would be if that downfall also came with a burning sensation, which is why i'm staying clear from McDonald's brand new "Jalapeno Double" which is available for $2.  A fitting price, considering that won't be the only time you're dropping the number "2."  

Their site describes it as "two mouth watering 100% beef patties topped with both crispy and sliced jalapenos, white cheddar gooey goodness, and our classic ranch sauce."  And besides "gooey goodness" being my nickname in college, i would also describe this sandwich as a "painful anus delight that is sure to rock your stomach as well as you're toilet bowl."  But like i said before it's only 2 beans, and sometimes you gotta eat cheap not smart.  So if you get one or two of them i won't blame you!  
And that's it for me today kids!  i need to go to bed ASAP so i'm gonna make this short and sweet, which was the exact opposite of the bathroom trip i made after eating a Jalapeno Double.

But i hope you have a great week, and i'll see you kids on Friday for the last time before i turn another year older!  God help us all!!! But especially me.  

Friday, August 8, 2014

There's a passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know I am the Lord, when I lay My vengeance upon you." - Jules Winfield "Pulp Fiction"

THE BLOG WHERE i GET MEDIEVAL ON YOUR ASSES

What is up kids?

i'll tell you what's up, it's gddamn FRIDAY!!!  And not just any Friday, it's the Friday that my college/camping buddies are coming by to hang out and play beer pong all night and eat burgers and brats and tell horrifically disturbing stories/jokes, the kind that if any regular human being heard what we were talking about they would never look at us in the same way again... 

Although now that i think about it, isn't that how EVERYBODY is with their friends?  i mean yeah all of us "pretend" to get offended when people say something racist, or insult someone's religion and/or faith, or even make fun of someone with some sort of a physical and/or mental disability.  But in reality, doesn't EVERYBODY find that kind of stuff really funny deep inside? 


Now let me be clear, i am NOT racist.  However, if a black guy cuts me off on the highway in their car you can bet i am dropping the most racist slurs possible left and right.  Hell, if a Mexican lady cuts me off you can bet i'm dropping Home Depot/beans and rice lines until my throat gets sore, and i'm half Mexican! 

And forget when i'm behind the wheel, when me and my friends get together we all tell the kinds of jokes that would make our parents and colleagues disown us, because we are RUTHLESS.  Like you know how any time you hear about a famous person, like an actor or musician say something that's not "politically" correct, and then there is some sort of HUGE controversy over it?  Not only do i never get offended by any of that nonsense, i personally say WAY worse stuff in the privacy of my own home, literally on a daily basis!
 
And i have to believe most of you are the same way.  i mean yeah at work and/or in public we all pretend that we're nice, civilized people who have no f*cked up thoughts.  But in the privacy of our own homes, with people that we know and trust, we all end up acting a little bit like Donald Sterling watching his young dumb girlfriend hang out with Magic Johnson.  And no, i'm not saying that we're all actually racist behind closed doors.  Don't you remember me saying before that i'm not racist? i literally just said it!  All i'm saying is that when most of us are "off the record" we're all WAY more dirty and crass and offensive then we would ever admit to the outside world.  Except for me, who apparently has no problem admitting it right now on my blog.  And yeah maybe that's not the "normal" thing to do, but who wants to be normal anyway?  Not me.  Not miguel! 
And i admit this here now on "Here Comes the Money..." because while i have no problem being a phony around all of the "normal" people i see on a regular basis because i have to, it's nice to be open and honest to all of my faithful readers on this blog.  i mean what's the point of having my own comedy blog if i'm just going to pretend that i don't find Jerry Sandusky jokes hilarious?  That's literally the only reason i started writing this thing!
 
So yeah some of you might be offended by what i wrote and/or posted on this blog, but to be honest i just don't care.  It's not my job to worry about everyone's feelings, i'm here to be honest and drop some knowledge on you and to try and make you all laugh.  And yeah maybe i'm usually telling lies and none of the facts i say are backed up and i'm not funny at all.  But at least i still... wait, what was the other thing i said?

The point is, that even though i wish that you were all the righteous man, and that i was the shepherd trying to protect you all from the world that was evil and selfish, that $hit ain't the truth.  The truth is that you're the weak, and i'm the tyranny of evil men.  But i'm trying Jewell.  i'm trying real hard to be the shepherd!  So let's start the nonsense already! 

RANDOM NONSENSE

- There should be a special place in hell reserved for a$$holes at your job who take food out of the refrigerator that isn't theirs.  What the f*ck is your problem, you ghetto food stealing motherf*ckers?  You're that much of a thieving dirtbag that you need to take food that isn't yours at work?  Because it's not bad enough that i gotta be here 9-5 Monday through Friday every single week of my entire life, just to not be able to afford to pay any of my bills on time and/or go on a real vacation EVER.  Now i gotta deal with some f*ckhead i work with stealing my leftovers from Chili's the night before so i have to starve the rest of the day?  Thanks man, i really appreciate it.  The only thing i would appreciate more is if i could catch you doing it.  Boy i wish i could've caught him doing it.  i'd have given anything to catch that a$$hole doing it.  It'd been worth him doing it, just so i could've caught him doing it...  
 
A Great Name for a Punk Band!  "The Easy Peasys"

- Getting back to race, i love it how a lot of black people say "axe" instead of saying "ask."  i gots none clue where that came from or how it started, or why it never gets corrected.  i guess it's the same as Chinese people not being able to say the letter "L" and Mexicans not being able to stay in this country legally.  Although now i'm wondering if when black people see a commercial for "Axe" body spray if they are thinking, "Are they axing me if i wear body spray?"  Just a thought.   

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - i hate those signs at Supermarkets that say "Parking for Customer with Child," or "Reserved for Adults with Children," or even the "Expectant mother" parking spots.  Have you guys ever seen this $hit?   That garbage drives me NUTS!  Although i will say it's probably not for the reasons a lot of you would think i have for hating these signs.  "F those new parents!  Why do they get a special spot just because they got knocked up?  It's not my fault you made such poor decisions in life!  Get a regular spot like the rest of us!"

Some of you may get angry at that aspect of it, but that's not what i hate about these spots at all.  What bothers me the most is that whether you're a woman who is expecting a new child or one who has just had a baby, you obviously have some pounds you need to work off.  So if anything, you should be parking really far away and walking as far as possible!  The exercise will help you out ladies.  For real, it's not like you're getting more attractive carrying around all of those extra rolls on your gut!  The long walk will do you good.  And trust me, your husbands will thank you!

Fast Food FACTS Do you know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in France?  You have to remember they have the metric system so they don't know what the f*ck a quarter pound is.  They call it a "Royale with Cheese."  And no i don't know what they call a Whopper, i didn't go into Burger King. 
 And that's it for me today kids! Good googily moogily was that a fantastic blog!  And i hope you all enjoyed it, and if not i don't really care because like i said before i got some pong to play with my boys!  And i definitely won't lose to Rob because he's a poor pong player at best, but i might lose to Charles because he leans farther across the pong table then any other person who's leaned before.

But whatever, it's still gonna be a good time and i can't wait to start partying.  So i won't!  See you kids next week with an all new blog!