Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Do you really think all of this is an accident ? That we, a group of strangers survived, many of us with just superficial injuries? Do you think we crashed on this place by coincidence -- especially, this place? We were brought here for a purpose, for a reason, all of us. Each one of us was brought here for a reason. - John Locke


What is up kids?

So it was 10 years ago yesterday that Oceanic Flight 815 crashed on a mysterious island, and i have to say my life has never been the same since.  Well not literally 10 years ago for me, as i didn't start watching the show "LOST" until the beginning of the second season when my boy Tommy made me watch the show.  And out of all the misery and bad luck that Tommy has brough to all of his friends, family, and basically any one who knows him throughout his life, this one gesture was enough to bring validity to our friendship!

And i find there are really only 3 kinds of people when it comes to the show LOST, those who have never seen it, those who think it sucked after the second season, and those of us who realize that this is the greatest show of all time and an adventure that will never be repeated by another show in my life time.  And that's not to say there aren't shows that are good as LOST or even better, as "Breaking Bad" and "Game of Thrones" certainly might be the BEST shows i've ever seen.  But LOST is definitely my favorite, and i can't fathom another show  ever taking it's place. 
"Are you f*cking kidding me miguel? You mean the show with the black smoke monster and time travel and all of the questions that they never answered?  THAT is your favorite show of all time?  Everyone knows that show started off strong and then had nowhere to go because they didn't have an ending in mind.  And speaking of that ending, what did it even mean?!!"

Yeah yeah, i get it.  i know a lot of you feel that way about this show.  And it's okay to think that, because this show definitely isn't for everyone.  i mean if you're someone who enjoys watching "The Big Bang Theory" or "Real Housewives of Wherever" then LOST is probably not the show for you.  Because those of us who love LOST know that while there are supernatural elements that occur throughout the series that this isn't a show about science fiction, it's about people and relationships and second chances.  This isn't a show about perfect people who never do wrong, it's about flawed individuals how have made terrible choices in their past.  But on an island where no one knows who they are they have a fresh chance to start over, which is something we all probably have wished for in our lives.  And as these incredibly written characters search for their redemption they get faced with the same impossible decisions they faced before they ended up here, and just like in real life some people learn from their mistakes and others are destined to repeat them...
But again, i don't need to try and convince you that this the greatest show of all time.  Like i said before you've either never seen it, don't agree with me, or you spent last night watching the pilot episode of LOST like i did to celebrate the 10 year anniversary of the television program that changed my life.  And to those of you who've never seen or hate this show to each their own, but to the rest of us who love it and miss that it's gone what better way to relive the magic then to start watching from the beginning all over again!


-While we're on the subject of planes, does anyone remember the story about the US Airways "tweet" that got the airline in a lot of trouble?  If you didn't hear the story basically the airline was responding to a customer by answering them over Twitter.  Which shouldn't be a problem right?  Wrong!  Because somehow when they responded they added a picture that i'm guessing they didn't plan on adding...
i'll tell you one thing, i don't care if that plane shown in the picture above had Jack Sheppard and Locke on it because NO ONE is going to be able to escape THAT Smoke Monster! 
In one of the best "LATER DICKS!" moments of all time, a television reporter in Alaska chose a time while she was live on-air to let it be known the world that she was quitting.  Not only that, she dropped an F-bomb right before admitting that she was the owner of a Cannibas club in the city, and that she would spend the rest of her newfound time devoting “all of my energies to fighting for for freedom and fairness, which begins with legalizing marijuana here in Alaska.”

You can watch the video here now, but just know my hat is off to Charlo Greene for dropping my favorite... LATER DICKS!
A Great Name for a Punk Band! "The Loose Screws"
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - There's a move that fighters do in the "UFC" that is a finishing move that most people can't get out of.  It's called the "Rear Naked Choke" and it's basically when you take your opponents back and choke him out until he taps out or goes unconscious.  The move looks like this:

Now my question is, since this move is normally performed by huge sweaty dudes and not beautiful ladies like in the picture above, why did they have to add the word "Naked" to this move?  i mean why isn't it just called the "Rear Choke?"  Did they HAVE to throw the word naked in there?  In a sport where shirtless men are wrestling each other wearing nothing but speedos trapped in a cage, i would think you'd try not to make any of the moves you do sound gayer.  It'd be like calling an uppercut the "Flaming Homosexual Uppercut!" There are at least two words you could take out of that name to make it a tad less gay.  But whatever, i guess they are going to stick with the "Rear Naked Choke" so what can you do.  Although once they change the name of the move "Hammer fists" to "Silly Love Taps" i'm going to stop watching this sport! 

Fast Food Tips - Is everyone ready for the return of the McDonald's McRib?!?!?  Well you shouldn't be, because McDonalds is delaying the release until December now, the earliest.  Mostly because they are Nazi Sandusky loving aholes!!  And also because they want to push the release back to December to help their 4th quarter earnings.  So i guess Mitt Romney is right, Corporations ARE People!  This news is a swift kick to the balleens for those of us who love the McRib, and those of us who do love them are no class having bad food loving bags of douche.  But i will admit that no matter how God awful that disgusting fake meat is between those buns when it comes back around in December i'm going to stand in line and order two of them.  Just so that by the time i'm done eating the second sandwich i remember how disgusting this item is and then i'll never want to eat another one again!  Until it comes out again the following year of course...
"Facebook Etiquette"-
And that's it for me today kids!  And yeah i should have probably used that "Facebook Etiquette" on the blog where i wrote about "Fight Club" a week ago but whatever, better late then funny!

But i hope you all have a great week, i hope you all love the show LOST and even if you don't i hope you all come back here on Friday for an all new comedy blog!

Friday, September 19, 2014

Don't push me cause I'm close to the edge. I'm trying not to lose my head. It's like a jungle sometimes, it makes me wonder how I keep from goin' under. - Grandmaster Flash "The Message"


What is up kids?

So is anyone else besides me dying to go to a concert, or a football game, or even a Broadway play?  i haven't been to anything in FOREVER and i have to say i'm itching to go to something.  "Are you sure it's that miguel?  Maybe you're itching because you're a dirty Hispanic who never showers?  That would probably explain the smell too!" 

Wow, that's a pretty racist way to start off a Friday blog guy.  But back to my point, i love going to shows of any, kind but i haven't been able to recently because i've been a little broke lately.  And by "recently" i mean in the last couple of years or so, and by "lately" i mean i've been broke since 2007.  And while it's true that as i've gotten older i don't feel the same need to go to events as much anymore, mostly because i'd rather watch a football game or concert from the comfort of my own couch as i'm able to eat and drink as much alcohol as i want in my comfy sweat pants and even get to pause the t.v. for my several trips to the bathroom as i eat White Castle until my stomach and anus feel like they are going to explode.
What the hell was i talking about?  Oh yeah, going to shows.  i do miss going to shows, but one thing i definitely don't miss is holding the tickets for the event.  Isn't holding tickets for something THE WORST?!?  i NEVER want to do it! i get so much anxiety over whether i'm going to lose the tickets or not, and i LITERALLY have to grab them in my pants to make sure i have them every 3 seconds.  And yes by grab the tickets in my pants i mean my penis.  C'mon, grow up everyone!
But i hate holding tickets for any event, i don't care if it's a football game, a concert, or even a play.   "When the hell have you ever gone to a play miguel?  Do they make Broadway plays about beer pong and watching Comedy Central and being a lazy Mexican?  Because we all know you have zero culture and are a borderline lowlife."  First of all, i've been to plenty of plays.   Secondly, why are you so mean and racist today?  It's Friday, we should all be in a good mood!

So yeah i don't really have a point to all of this, although when you think about it i could pretty much say that about every rant i do.  But i do have some hilarious "Random Nonsense" for you today so why i don't just get to that already!  


- i cannot STAND the people who wait in long lines to be the first one to get the new Iphone 6, or any phone for that matter.  How empty and pointless is your life that you're willing to stand outside in a line with a bunch of other crazy people just to get a new phone?  You really need it that bad?  How brainwashed by society and Apple are you that you need to get the next new phone IMMEDIATELY!!!  i'm not sure, but all i know is that every time i see those lines i always wish for rain and snow and any sort of miserable weather to pour down upon you just so you realize how pathetic you really are.
And oh yeah i also wish for these aholes to drop these phones as soon as they open them, and lucky for me it not only happened but they caught it on camera as well!  Maybe there IS a God!
A Great Name for a Punk Band! "Goodness Gracious"

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE- What is it with white people and gay recreational sports?  "Whoo hoo Kickball! Dodgeball!  Flag Football early on Sunday mornings!  Co-ed Softball!"  Why do you white people always have to engage in this nonsense?  There must be some theory behind it but i'm too tired and not smart enough to figure it out right now.  When minorities want to play a game it's always just them calling their friends saying, "Want to play basketball tonight?"  or "Want to get a game going?"  White people are not happy unless there is a referee and they get to wear uniforms and come up with some stupid not funny team name and they have to pay some sort of bull$hit league fees.  "Everything must be organized!"  Oh yeah?  Have fun with that.  i'm not really sure why you find the need to play all of the games we played in grade school gym class as an adult but whatever, have fun against the Purple Cobras you Average Joes.  i'll be at the bar talking to women while you sprain your ankle again. 
"Facebook Etiquette"- In the funniest Facebook news i've heard in a long time, it's been learned that Grandmothers are having a hard time posting "Happy Birthday!" or other messages on their family's Facebook pages.  Not so much in writing the message, but apparently when they go to write "Love Grandma," as soon as start typing Grandma "Grandmaster Flash" pops up instead.  So all of these Grandma's are tagging the old school rap legend which i personally find funny as hell.

And mad props to my own mother, who even though she's a grandma she has been smart enough to avoid doing it so far!  But to the rest of all y'all nanas you don't have to tell me how it's a jungle sometimes, i already know that!
And that's it for me today kids!  Thanks to all of you who read my blog, especially lately because i've been getting a crazy about of views lately!  Either i'm getting funnier or... nope, i guess that's it.  i'm getting funnier!  So thanks for noticing, thanks for reading, and thanks for coming back here on Tuesday when i put out another all new hilarious comedy blog!

Cya Tuesday, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Kids are the only people in the world that you’re allowed to hit. Do you realize that? They’re the most vulnerable and they’re the most destroyed by being hit, but it’s totally okay to hit them. And they’re the only ones! If you hit a dog, they f*cking will put you in jail for that shit. You can’t hit a person unless you can prove that they were trying to kill you, but a little tiny person with a head this big that trusts you implicitly? F*ck them, who gives a $hit? - Louis C.K.


What is up kids?

So i'm guessing all of you heard the story about the NFL running back Adrian Peterson by now, but if you haven't he is the star player who was suspended for apparently beating and leaving a mark on his 4 year old son using a stick this past summer. Peterson was indicted and released from police custody this weekend, and as of now he has been suspended by his team and was unable to play football this past Sunday.  Which i'm sure if you have him on your fantasy football team you were probably heated to find this little tidbit out...

And people are kinda on both sides of the fence of this one, with Liberals of course being OUTRAGED that a parent would ever hit a child!  And then there's everyone else (including Peterson) who believe that what he did wasn't really THAT wrong because that's how he was raised growing up in Texas.  And even though he regrets that he may have seriously hurt his child, Petersen and many others believe that hitting children is how you discipline them with most people even having the same argument.  "That's how i was raised!" 

And to me, this has to be the WORST reasoning for ever doing anything.  i mean first of all, do you really think that your parents are/were perfect?  Do you not realize that parenting is an inexact science, and that literally NO ONE has all of the answers on the correct way to raise a child?  How would such a thing be even possible?  EVERY child is different in what is effective and not effective in raising them, and any parent will tell you that what works for one child almost certainly won't work the same way with another child.  And that's even in the same family with the same two parents!  And why is that so?  i have no idea, and if i did know why then i'd have the secret to parenting, and you could bet your sweet a$$ that'd i'd be getting paid MAD loot for my knowledge and not giving away free ha ha's twice a week on this blog.

And besides every child being different, why do people think that just because THEY happened to be raised a certain way that it HAS to be the correct and only way?  Everyone is so happy with how they turned out in this life, despite the fact that most people are clueless ignorant aholes who only believe what they are told.  So the first thing people need to do is get over themselves and realize that they aren't that great.  But secondly and even more importantly, they need to be open to the fact that their parents were not perfect in raising them, and that they like everyone else who becomes parents must realize that all they can do is try to do the best job that they can and hope for the best.  Because that's all you can really do as a parent, love and care for you child while trying to provide for them.

Personally i think it's crazy to hit your child.  If you can't think of a better way to "teach" your child other then with violence then you've probably got some other issues going on in your life and maybe you shouldn't take out that frustration on an infant who's probably too young to even understand what's going on.  And if you're a huge football player and you hit your child, even an apology like this doesn't help anything in my eyes:
I never wanted to be a distraction to the Vikings organization, the Minnesota community or to my teammates. I never imagined being in a position where the world is judging my parenting skills or calling me a child abuser because of the discipline I administered to my son. 
I voluntarily appeared before the grand jury several weeks ago to answer any and all questions they had. Before my grand jury appearance, I was interviewed by two different police agencies without an attorney. In each of these interviews I have said the same thing, and that is that I never ever intended to harm my son. I will say the same thing once I have my day in court. 
I have to live with the fact that when I disciplined my son the way I was disciplined as a child, I caused an injury that I never intended or thought would happen.  I know that many people disagree with the way I disciplined my child. I also understand after meeting with a psychologist that there are other alternative ways of disciplining a child that may be more appropriate.
I have learned a lot and have had to reevaluate how I discipline my son going forward. But deep in my heart I have always believed I could have been one of those kids that was lost in the streets without the discipline instilled in me by my parents and other relatives. I have always believed that the way my parents disciplined me has a great deal to do with the success I have enjoyed as a man.  I love my son and I will continue to become a better parent and learn from any mistakes I ever make. 
I am not a perfect son. I am not a perfect husband. I am not a perfect parent, but I am, without a doubt, not a child abuser. I am someone that disciplined his child and did not intend to cause him any injury. No one can understand the hurt that I feel for my son and for the harm I caused him. My goal is always to teach my son right from wrong and that’s what I tried to do that day. 
I accept the fact that people feel very strongly about this issue and what they think about my conduct. Regardless of what others think, however, I love my son very much and I will continue to try to become a better father and person. - Adrian Peterson
Nice speech buddy!  It would have been nicer if there wasn't a BRAND NEW story that just came out today saying that you physically beat another one of your children who was also 4 years old.  Apparently this well thought out apology that was written for you forgot to include the fact that this was not an isolated incident and that beating your kids is literally the only way you know how to parent.  And the only thing scarier then a huge beast of a man beating a 4 year old child are all of the parents who agree with his right to do so...


- Does anyone ever wonder why i always use symbols while writing curses?  Like why i always write "F*ck you you motherf*cking a$$hole piece of $hit!"  It's not because i'm afraid of offending anyone, because clearly you can tell by most of the bits that i write that i don't give a F*CK and i'll write and/or say everything i gddman please.  It's my blog and i do what i want!  And if you don't like it you can get out!

But the reason i've always done this is because i used to work in a bull$hit corporate environment, and when you work at a place like that they do $hit like "flag" your emails looking for curse words and stuff.  So if you work in an awful place like that and you signed up to get my blog by email the way you can do on the right hand of this page then the email would get blocked and would not show up in your inbox.  And i definitely know all of you can't wait to wake up and find miguel jose in your inbox so i got around it by using those symbols.  See, i'm funny AND smart!  And sexy!  Let me get in your inbox!

The Guy Who F*CKED Me In Fantasy Football This Week...  If there is one guy that is absolutely MURDERING me so far this year it has to be the only Mexican on my team, Tony Romo the QB for the Dallas Cowgirls.  This motherf*cker has Dez Bryant who is one of the top 3 wide receivers in the league, a top tight end in Jason Witten, a money receiver in Terrance Williams, AND one of the top running backs in the NFL Delmarco Murray, yet he apparently still doesn't have enough weapons to score me more then 15 gddamn fantasy points.  It's definitely my fault for believing in the preseason hype once again and drafting his dumb ass, but it's more likely because i respect him so much for dating Jessica Simpson back when she was super hot.  Well played you big bag of douche, well played.
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - i feel like it'd be the money if some other country gave us a nice present, like the way France gave us the Statue of Liberty. i mean that's what the statue is, it was a gift. But i guess countries don't do that anymore?  That sucks, because that statue wasn't even built here and it's one of the most symbolic images that our country has. Although when i think about it, i don't know what gift any other country could give us. i mean i guess it could be ANOTHER statue, but it's kinda been done already. So what else could it be? Maybe like a big lake? i mean OBVIOUSLY they can't transport a lake from somewhere else over here.  But maybe if they sent over a bunch of people to come over and spend a few years digging out and creating this HUGE ginormous lake that'd be money. And maybe the country that gives us that gift could be Mexico, and we could have Mexicans come over and build this huge lake and then they get to stay here afterwards! And maybe the whole point of this bit is that i'm trying to think of ways to get my cousin and Auntie from Mexico over here and i've got zero ideas and this is the best i could do. So if anyone's got any other plans i can try i'm all ears!
-How come when you go fishing you have to go SO gddamn early?  Like 5 am and bull$hit like that?  i'd be totally down to go fishing if i didn't have to wake up so early.  But if my choices are to be on a boat before the sun comes up in the freezing cold, or passed out in my bed totally happy in dreamland i'll take my bed for $200 Alex! Do fish really not eat all day from 8 am through 5 pm?  For real, these fish are just never hungry or ever want to eat at those times?  i can't imagine that's true, like maybe if most fish didn't want to eat there would still be those fat f*ck fish that are down to eat all the time that you could still catch.  Do you think they have fat fish like we have fat people?  Because if they do have them i bet those obese aholes eat all gddamn day!  But yeah i'm sure there are all sorts of studies or actual facts to back up why i am wrong here but i still think i am right.
And that's it for me today kids!  Please forgive if there are more spelling mistakes then usual, i have to post this before work and i don't have time for my normal half ass proofreading.  But i hope everyone has a great week and i'll see you all here on Friday for an all new comedy blog!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter.  And follow VHS BREAKDOWN on Instagram!

Friday, September 12, 2014

The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk about Fight Club. - Tyler Durden "Take a Guess..."


What is up kids?

Well it's finally Friday, but for once i'm not that excited about it and i'm actually feeling pretty crappy.  Obviously not because it's the weekend, because between that and finally getting to hang out with my girl those are about the only things that have me in a good mood right now.  Well that and the fact that i won 3 out of my 4 Fantasy Football leagues last week while getting high points in 2 of them.  Football is finally f*cking back everyone!
But yeah between troubles with my car, not having any money EVER and just life's general miseries i'm in a pretty heated mood. So much so that i really feel like i want to fight someone right now.  Do i have any takers?  Does any one feel like going toe to toe, mano y mano against a pissed off Mexican?  Don't let my old age and slight obesity fool you, if you mess with me i will f*ck you UP!!!  Let's start a fight club right motherf*cking now!

"Hey miguel! Why did you just post the same picture of yourself, TWICE?"  That's not me you silly goose, that's me AND Brad Pitt!  Man do i get that all of the time!  In fact, just the other day someone asked me how it felt to star in a movie role opposite Julia Roberts!
Nah, i'm just playing.  That wasn't me in the film, and i don't really want to get into a fight.  In fact, i've never actually been in a fight in my entire life.  Not a real one anyways, i mean of course i fought with my brothers growing up and just dumb wrestling with my friends and stuff.  You know, the kind of wrestling you do when you're both drunk and not wearing any pants and you basically just scissor each other until someone submits.  Doesn't everyone else just joke around with their guy friends and fight like that?  Their sexy, sweaty, pantsless friends?
That picture was awesome to look up on Google by the way.  But yeah i've never been in a fight, and at this point it's safe to say that i don't think i'm going to.  And why would i?  What is the point of fighting anyways?  To me it seems like a bunch of testosterone filled alpha male bull$hit and i don't want any part of it.  i mean first of all, who am i going to get in a fight with?  Some random stranger that i don't know?  Why would i possibly give a f*ck about something some guy i've never even met before talking trash to me?  How fragile is my ego that it can be shattered by a complete stranger that has never even met me?  i mean for real, i barely care about what my friends and family think about me, why would i let a random stranger's words bother me?
Actually i'm just kidding about not caring about what my family and friends think, obviously i do.  Although by that rationale, that would mean my friends and family would be the only ones who could actually hurt me enough to actually want to fight them.  i mean i just said i would never fight a stranger because nothing they could say would ever bother me, so that must mean i would fight a friend and/or family member if they tried to hurt me, right?  Actually no, you're not right, because i would never fight someone i love even if they hurt me.  In fact, i'd probably be too hurt and crushed and disappointed that a friend that i loved hurt me to have enough energy to want to fight.  Not that i think it would ever happen, because i surround myself with the MONEY people.  Even Johnny Lats!  
But to me, fighting shows that you are not smart enough to solve a problem with your mind and/or with words.  So instead you resort to physical violence which is what people that aren't as smart as me seem to always do.  And i don't want any part of that, and i don't want any part of fighting.  Although i do want a part of this weekend, so i'm going to get out of this fighting mood and start getting ready to party because it's gddamn Friday and i'm DEFINITELY smart enough to realize that! 

- Yesterday was 9/11, which means i have another chance to drop my favorite LATER DICK! of all time.  So here ya go America!


i still can't believe it's been 13 years since 9/11.  What a crazy time, that literally changed everything for America.  i still can remember that day like it was yesterday, although that might not be saying much since i have no clue what happened yesterday.  And it definitely sounds like a cliche slogan but it's definitely true, i'll never forget...

A Great Name for a Punk Band!  "Hot Garbage" 

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE- Do all of you know what catnip is?  Maybe you don't, i mean i know i just found out.  And do all of you know how much i hate cats?  i f'n HATE them, hate them with a passion.  There has only been one ever that i liked, and it's because it was a kitten and apparently kittens aren't the worst.  She's actually kind of fun, but gddamn it i hate to admit it.

Anyways, now i'm learning all these things about cats and one of them is that they LOVE catnip.  It's like kitty crack for them, no joke.  Seriously, it's like heroin, crack and cocaine all rolled into one.  Not that i would have any idea what it would be like to try all 3 of them in college that one night at that party in Pine Hall.  And it looks like weed, that's the funny part. It looks like a bag of cat weed.  And the weird thing is that they don't even eat it or nothing, it just drives them f'n nuts and it's pretty funny to watch.  And oh yeah, did you know that when a cat gives birth they can give birth from up to 1 to 8 kittens in a litter, and they can have 2-3 litters per year?  And that kittens that are just born are called cubs, not kittens?  And did you know i still f'n hate cats?  Okay then.
Fast Food Tips - It's football season, and in an effort to not just murder you but to murder your entire family McDonalds is currently testing a "family-sized" meal called the "Blitz Box."  This 2940 calorie MONSTROSITY goes for around $14.99 in the Kansas City area, and it contains two quarter pounders with cheese, two medium orders of french fries, and a 20 piece Mcnuggets.  This "family" meal sounds good in theory, but the truth of it is every lonely fat guy in America is going to order this thing by themselves and eat it all while crying and possibly masturbating on their couch.  And NO i'm not the fat guy that's going to do that!!  When i whack off to fast food it's always Burger King, not McDonalds...
Fast Food Tips -  I'd don't normally do DOS Fast Food Tips but this one is too funny not drop on you.  Burger King has just released it's newest burger in Japan, and everyone from white cops in Ferguson Missouri to most Tea Party and Conservative Republicans as well as Donald Sterling already hate it and wish it would go away.  That's because it's the "Kuro burger," which is a Japanese Black burger  that features a black bun, meat with black pepper and black cheese.  Apparently the bread and cheese contain bamboo charcoal which i'm told is popular in Japanese cuisine, and by "told" i mean i looked it up on Google.

This sandwich also has an onion-and-garlic sauce made dark with squid ink, which i'm told is commonly used for cooking, food coloring, and flavoring in Japan.  Sounds totally normal to me!  But i also think everything that happened in the movie "Battle Royale" was pretty normal so maybe i'm not the best one to ask about what's normal in Japan...
 BK is offering two varieties of the Black, i'm sorry, the African American burger, the Pearl and the Diamond. The Kuro Pearl is filled with basic ingredients and the Kuro Diamond is spruced up with lettuce, tomatoes, and onions, which add a little color to the otherwise dark sandwich.  i have no idea what the point of this black burger is, but i already know it's been stopped and frisked several times by the NYPD.  Which is racist against both black people and the Japanese!  What a burger!
And that's it for me today kids!  i'm already in a better mood, probably because it felt so good to drop all of those fantastic ha ha's for all of you!  But it's time to start the weekend, it's time to enjoy the fact that it's Friday, Friday, getting down on Friday, so let's get to it already!!!

Cya on Tuesday with an all new blog!  @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

You know what they say, "There's no reason to ever hit a woman." $hit, there's a reason to hit everybody. You just don't do it. $hit, there's a reason to kick an old man down a flight of stairs. You just don't do it. Ain't nobody above an ass-whooping! - Chris Rock


What is up kids?

So have you seen the video of Ray Rice punching his then fiance now wife in the face yet?  i'm guessing you have, because if you've been on a computer and/or watched any television in the last 48 hours then you must have seen the gruesome footage by now.  But i'll tell you one thing, you definitely won't see it here.  This is a comedy blog kids!  i don't need to watch that video over and over again the way the media thinks i want to.  He punched her out, and a man knocking out a woman is the lowest thing you can do.  i get it.  Next story please!
And i know everyone wants to condemn Ray Rice, because you are NEVER allowed to hit a woman.  EVER!!   But isn't there a part of all of you that realizes that just MAYBE... she deserved it?  And i don't mean there is anything a woman can ever do to deserve to be punched by a man!  That's NOT what i'm saying!!!  What i'm saying is that this all happened in the now defunct Revel casino in Atlantic City.  And MAYBE Ray Rice lost a TON of money gambling all night.  And MAYBE his girl was saying stuff like, "See! That's what you get for not leaving the tables earlier like i told you to do!  This is what you get for not listening to me you stupid idiot!  Now you lost all your money, and you didn't win the Superbowl this year.  And i'm f*cking your brother Steve!"  i mean what if that's what she said?  Would you at least understand a little bit why he hit her?
And why did Ray Rice get fired from the Ravens after that video came out?  And why did the NFL then also suspend him indefinitely?  i mean sure we all agree that what he did was f*cked up.  But before we even saw this new video didn't we all already know that he hit her and knocked her out?  Did we really have to see the actual footage in order to realize that he should be punished?  For real i don't get it, we all knew that he punched his then fiance now wife in the face before any of us even saw the video.  Was TMZ showing this new footage the only way for people to understand that what he did was unforgivable and that he should be kicked out of football?  How did everyone not realize this earlier? And how can none of you have zero clue on what i'm even talking about!
Actually no, i get that none of you understand the point i'm making.  i get that i'm the only person who thinks these crazy thoughts, and that there are zero among you that would admit to getting what i'm talking about. And i know it's hard to make jokes about this kind of stuff, because hitting women is just not cool, so to try and use this to get a few cheap jokes in a blog rant is a pretty poor move.  But these were the thoughts that were roaming around my dome at the time i started this rant so this is what you get.  Happy Tuesday everyone!


- This next chart is pretty accurate except for the fact that is says nothing about the only true use for Solo cups is using them for beer pong...

A Great Name for a Punk Band! The Cooter Looters

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - i'm a full on coffee snob.  i'll f'n admit it to you guys, i don't care.  i mostly only drink Starbucks, but if i HAVE to i'll order a Turbo hot from Dunkin Donuts,  which is their regular coffee with a shot of espresso which is the only way to make DD coffee drinkable to me.   i normally make my morning coffee at home before work,  but this week i ran out and was left with my "emergency coffee" which is Maxwell House or Foldgers or whatever garbage i've had in my cabinet for 10 years.  So i had to make that awfulness this week and it literally tasted like a homeless man's taint and basically ruined my day.  So now i'm throwing it all out, because for real there is no point in even keeping that garbage in my house.  And yeah i guess that means i am a complete coffee elitist .  When it comes to coffee i am the 1%, which makes the rest of you poor schlubs who keep drinking your swill the 99%ers.  So enjoy your crappy coffee and oh yeah while you're at it, get a job!
Fast Food Tips - Speaking of coffee, apparently 7/11 is selling $0.50 small coffees until September 14th, which is fantastic if you are a caffeine junkie but only walk around with change in your pocket.  i'm not even positive this counts as a fast food tip but whatever, it's my blog and i think my fans enjoy a good deal when they see one.  So enjoy your cheap coffee my friends, but don't buy me anything unless it's a tall bold grande from Starbucks with room for milk!
And that's it for me today kids!  i'm off to work early because like i said earlier i need to go buy good coffee.  But have a great day, stay out of the elevator with Ray Rice and i'll see you kids on Friday!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Friday, September 5, 2014

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. - Joan Rivers


What is up kids?  Can we talk?

Well it's the first Friday in September, and it's also the first Friday that this planet goes on without Joan Rivers since 1933.  And while normally i don't spend rants talking about dead celebrities that i've never even met, i was a big fan of Joan Rivers and i have to say it sucks that she's gone.

i don't know how many of you actually knew her comedy, but Joan was straight up RUTHLESS.  Like a million times more ruthless then i've ever been on this blog.  And i don't even mean just when it comes to fashion, because most ladies probably already know how mean she can be when making fun of someone's outfit.  i'm talking about the jokes she made in her comedy, the ones that truly knew no bounds!
And yeah maybe she pulled a poor move when she got a show opposite Johnny Carson after he was the one who helped bring her to fame, and maybe she'd been known to steal jokes from other comedians on occasion, and maybe she was doing a disservice to women everywhere by pointing out their flaws and mercilessly mocking what they wore on the red carpet.  But you know what? Life needs some people like that!  Because otherwise this world would be so plain and vanilla and BORING, and that's something all these people who get so offended at stuff don't realize.  It's good to be offended!  What could be worse then going through life never being offended by ANYTHING?  How would you ever challenge your mind, or test the boundaries of the limits of comedy?  Shouldn't we constantly be trying to find the line and cross it every now and then, just because we can?
So i will miss Joan, because say what you want about her she DEFINITELY caused people to think, and more importantly she made me laugh.  She wasn't a funny woman comedian, she was a funny comedian PERIOD.  Well maybe not period, because she probably hadn't had that since 1957.  But with all of the boring, lame, timid people on this planet it was a joy to watch a person who would say whatever she wanted and literally didn't give a F*CK.  And while all of us have free speech in this country, it is nice to have seen someone who actually used that right and did it to make people laugh.  So Rest in Peace Joan, you will be missed!

And oh yeah, if you are wondering what the Heidi Klum joke was that got people so offended from what i posted above, it was about Heidi's outfit at an award show where Joan Rivers said, "The last time a German looked this hot was when they were pushing Jews into the ovens."  Imagine having the balls to drop that joke on televison?  Yeah i can't either.  But i'm glad someone did, and i'm even more glad she never apologized!


- (This is an old bit but it seems like an apt day to bring it back) The show "Fashion Police" is really pretty fantastic.  Because i mean lets face it, no one cares who wins awards at these shows.  All we care about is what these women were wearing!  And the only thing more fun then looking at pictures of these women in magazines with our friends at work and bad mouthing them is watching Joan Rivers and the Joan Rangers do so on a television show instead!

And i know that every guy reading this right now either wants to punch me in the face or throw up or both because i'm talking about fashion, but let me tell you my alpha male friends that Joan Rivers is straight up RUTHLESS.  Holy S that woman will say f'n ANYTHING.  i honestly can't believe that show is on the E! channel, she's just a curse word and some full frontal scenes away from getting her own show on HBO.  But she's really funny, and in addition to that you get to see some hot girls wear some skimpy clothing which is always nice.  Especially when they do that "Guess me from Behind" bit where they show a girls ass and you have to guess who it is, a bit that i really appreciate.  But to all the fellas out there, if you're constantly getting in trouble because your girl always has to watch what you want to watch, do yourself a favor and put this on and watch it because i guarantee that you'll laugh and you won't actually have to kill yourself watching the E channel for once!
- i'm convinced that only people who don't drink wine have wine racks.  i mean yeah i love the wine rack in my house, but it is CLEARLY not a necessity.  People who have wine racks obviously have them because they enjoy wine, but my problem is if i buy a bottle i am going to drink it right away.  So basically the bottle never stays more then an hour on the rack, if that!  So i feel like the wine rack is a pointless investment, although sometimes i'm tempted to keep empty bottles on there just to give the "illusion" that i'm classy by making it look pretty and full.  But no, i never do that.  So instead i guess i'll always be looking at an empty wine rack.  Oh well, i'm over it.  And besides, none of these racks fit my Box wine.  And yeah i know box wine sounds classless, but it's delicious and cost effective!  And for the record i suggest Black Box.  The wine, not for women.
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - To all couples who sit on the same side of a booth at a restaurant when it is only the two of you... f'n grow up already!  "Whoo hoo we're so in love!  We need to sit next to each other when we're out because that shows how much in love we are with each other!!!"  Um, actually no, it doesn't.  It's immature insecure garbage and you look like aholes.  And this is obviously the girls idea because no guy would ever suggest that.  Alright fine, some guys would but only guys that are complete pu$$ys that will do whatever lame ass bull$hit their girlfriend suggests.

But for us hetero guys, sitting right next to your girl when it is just the two of you is straight up awfulness.  Not to mention impractical because it's a million times easier to talk so someone when you can look right across at them!  i don't know if i personally know of any couples that submit to this horrific trend, but if i do please let me know so i can make sure to ignore you both forever.  When i see couples that do this i don't want them to die, but i do hope they get food poisoning and end up on the bowl for hours.  Hey, maybe you can find a bathroom with two toilet bowls right next to each other so you can hold hands while you deuce yourself to no end!  Now THAT is love!
A Great Name for a Punk Band! "Car Engine Cats"

That was from Jay John, and to be honest i had to look it up to get what it meant.  But i did look it up and i laughed because it's hilarious and also i hate cats just not in that order.  Anyways, i also came up with a name and mine is...
A Great Name for a Punk Band! "The Yellow Bellies"

And no i'm not competing, i'm just saying mine is better.  No it's not.

Fast Food Tips -  Speaking of $hitting next to the person you love, if you can't afford to take a trip to Mexico but you would still like to experience explosive diarrhea you're in luck!  Because Taco Bell has everything you need for your taste buds and butt cheeks pleasure with their all new "$1 Cravings Menu" where they actually sell items for a dollar! 

Which is really nice to see, because if you frequent Wendy's, Burger King, McDonalds, and/or all 3 then you know those fast food places have only one to two items for a $1 on their "dollar" menu, TOPS!  Because if you haven't noticed everything on their so called Dollar menu are really $1.49 to a $1.79 or even higher!  How do they get away with these lies and awfulness?!   But yeah good move by T Bell for bring an actual $1 menu back.  Taco Bell knows you crave horrific "food," and it also knows we are cheap basterds.  Which is why it's really nice to see a fast food chain that cares about their clients and gives them what want they want and/or need, even if it will kill us all when we $hit out our insides and coat the inside of our beautiful white toilet bowl 50 shades of Brown.
And that's it for me today kids!  i hope everyone has a great weekend, and more importantly i hope i win all of my fantasy leagues when the NFL comes back on Sunday!  But go out and enjoy yourselves kids, have a drink with those you love because they won't be here forever, and i'll see you kids back here on Tuesday with an all new blog!