Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Baby's good to me you know, she's happy as can be you know, she said so! i'm in love with her and i feel fine. Baby says she's mine you know, she tells me all the time you know, she said so! i'm in love with her and i feel fine. - The Beatles "I Feel Fine"


What is up kids?

So did everyone have the money weekend or what? i know i sure did, i partied it up like it was my 21st birthday!  And by that i mean i took a party bus with my friends to Hoboken and tried to do 21 shots at Bahama Mamas!

Haha that story wasn't true, at least not for this past weekend.  But that image had to bring back some funny memories for people my age, because taking a party bus to boken was literally the same plan that everyone had for their 21st birthday back in the day.   Or at least that was the plan tyhe cool kids used to have.  You guys were part of the cool crowd growing up, weren't you?  i don't want a bunch of nerds and weirdo's reading my blog!
Speaking of birthdays, i'd like to take to take the time now to say a very special early happy birthday to my love, my girlfriend, and my baby, Jen, who also happens to be turning 21 tomorrow!  Or at least that the age she told me she's turning.  Which is odd because we actually grew up and went to the same high school together so that kinda doesn't seem to make sense to me. Although i was always terrible in math, which means i guess i'm just going to have to take her word for it that's she 21!
But as happy as i am to be with her, and as much as i know that this is the best relationship that i've ever been in in my life and know that i will definitely marry her someday ( if i'm lucky enough for her to say yes of course), you've probably noticed i don't talk about her all that much on this blog.  And that's done very much on purpose, because this is a comedy blog full of nonsense and insanity!  No one wants to hear about how happy and in love i am with my girlfriend!  Well besides her i mean haha :)
But i have made it a conscience choice to not bring her up that much on here, and it's really just because i know that people who are single and/or in horrible relationships don't want to hear about how incredibly happy i am in mine.  Because honestly, there is NOTHING worse then seeing two people who are happy and in love when you're a depressed heartbroken lonely bag of douche.  i mean for real, when someone is sitting there listening to depressing love songs with a knife up against their wrists and/or jugular thinking about the person who broke their heart, as well as thinking about that person being with some other terrible human who will NEVER treat them the way that they would yet that a$$hole still gets the joy and bliss of being able to be with the object of their affection, the LAST thing that they need to see or experience is someone else's true happiness with their soul mate!  Because when you're dying inside you want the entire world to be filled with darkness and evil and horrific depression!  And even if you aren't bitter enough to wish that on other people, you still don't want to see anyone else be happy when you're a mess!
Which is why i've never really brought up my relationship on this blog, because i know more people are in horrible relationships then not.  i mean for real, how many truly happy couples do any of you know?  And i'm not talking about couples that are married and/or married with children, because just having that status CLEARLY doesn't equal happiness...

But most of us realize how borderline impossible it is to find that perfect someone, and we also realize that most of the people that try to act like they are super happy all of the time are the ones who are the most miserable.  i mean show me a couple that has to post NONSTOP pictures of every "happy" second they spend together on Facebook and Instagram, and i'll show you two people that are trying to lie to everyone else including themselves!  Because when you're truly happy you don't need to try and convince everyone else of that fact, you're too busy being genuinely happy to care!

And that's where i am at in my life right now.  i've never been happier being with someone in my life, and once i get this money situation figured out i'm going to marry this girl and make her my wife.  Hey that rhymed, i'm a poet and didnt' even realize it!  But yeah once i get married then you'll REALLY never hear about her on this blog!  But you're hearing about her today, because today i want to say happy birthday to the woman i love, and i'm looking forward to spending all of our birthdays together for as long as we live.  And while it's true it might not be that long for me if i keep being an unhealthy non exercising jerk who posts "Fast Food Tips" twice a week on a comedy blog, at least i know that however long i last on this beautiful blue green ball that i'll be the happiest and luckiest person on the planet, because i'm in love with her and i feel fine :)  Happy birthday baby!!!


-  Speaking of birthdays i wasn't kidding when i said i took a party bus to Hoboken for my 21st, and i was kidding less when i said that i planned on doing 21 shots.  And i say "planned" because i think i only got as far as shot #16 before i went to the bathroom and threw up all sweet 16 of those shots at a urinal.  And not only that, i also got some puke on the guy who was standing next to me!  And i remember looking at that guy and saying "OMG i'm SO sorry dude!  It's my 21st birthday and i'm out celebrating with my friends and i really apologize for being an a$$hole and please don't kill me!!!"

And i can remember like it was yesterday when the guy who was standing there covered in my own puke looked at me dead in the eyes and said, "Don't worry about it man, things happen it's all good!  i hope you're having a great time for you 21st, happy birthday buddy!!"  And i'll be honest, i don't really believe in miracles.  But for me to throw up on the one guy in Hoboken who not only didn't beat the f*cking $hit out of me but also said it was no problem and wished me a happy birthday, the odds of that had to be one in million!  Wait, one in a million?  So you're saying there's a chance!

 -  While we're on the subject of Hoboken, i'd like to take this time to talk about how that town has the WORST parking situation on the planet!  There is NOWHERE to park in Boken, it's a MILLION times worse trying to find a spot in Hoboken then it is in New York City.  And NYC is the capital of the world!  That doesn't matter though, because you would still have a better chance finding a spot in the city during a Presidential visit to the U.N. during the Puerto Rican Day Parade then you would finding an open non residential parking spot in Boken
So just so you know in the future, the ONLY chance you have of parking in Hoboken is paying the $25 beans it costs to park in a garage, which is a price i happily pay every time i visit there.  i say "happily" because i'd rather pay the 25 beans to park in a garage then deal with the AGGRAVATION of driving around all of Hoboken trying to find the one mystery spot that you're actually allowed to park in that even doesn't exist.  You'll waste more then $25 in gas driving around to find a spot anyway, so just park in a lot and save yourself the trouble!  Or don't and enjoy the ticket and/or towing your car will definitely receive in that stupid town. 
A Great Name for a Punk Band!  "The Yippee Skippies"

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - i still use "old school" headphones when i listen to my Ipod.  And no, it's not because i'm f*cking 57 years old. It's because i hate those stupid little pod things for you ears!  i don't know if i have a misshaped head or if i just have weird ears but there's always ONE ear pod that just will not f'n stay in my ear.  Or maybe it kinda stays in my ear but i can just feel it slipping out the whole time and then i focus way more on that then the music i'm listening too.  Probably because i'm an insane person.  But yeah the oldschool ones fit right on my dome, and i can walk or run or work out or do any of the things that i never really do in real life and those $hits will stay on my head with none problem.  So f*ck those stupid little ear buds and i don't care that i look like i'm still living in the 80's with my big headphones on.  At least i can hear the gddamn music and i'm not worried about those stupid ear buds falling out!
Fast Food Tips - 
Fast Food Tips - Alright that wasn't a real Fast Food Tip so i guess i can give you another on even though i'm sure i've brought this up before on this blog.  In fact i would guarandamntee that i've said this before!  But anyways, could someone PLEASE tell me the reason why restaurants always give you styrofoam containers to bring home your leftovers?  Don't they realize that all we want to do the next day is throw that $hit in a microwave so that we can get that reheated awfulness inside our tummies IMMEDIATELY?  So then why would they give us our food in something that melts and ruins everything in the microwave?  It's not rocket science, i'm hungry and i want to finish the rest of my dry burger and soggy fries immediately!  This unmicrowavable container slows down this reheating operation considerably, plus styrofoam is extremely bad for our planet.  How the hell are all of the "green" people who are so into saving the Earth allowing all of these restaurants to get away with this?  Literally every process that takes place at the end of my fantastic meal is wrong!
And that's it for me today kids!  And i do hope you all have a great week, but none more then my girlfriend who i hope has the best birthday ever.  And hopefully you depressed fools that are alone and/or are dating/married to a rotten scumbag still enjoyed it, because i know my happiness is obnoxiously annoying.  But don't hate me because i found the best girl ever, go find one of your own!  Or don't, and rely on the hilarious comedy of my blog every Tuesday and Friday to brighten up your miserable life.  Except for this one!

Friday, October 17, 2014

I don't go joy-poppin' with bubble-gummers. My friends can handle their highs! - Lance "Pulp Fiction"


What is up kids?

i'll tell you what's up, call me Rebecca Black because i'm an untalented fool on the Interwebs with a hit YouTube video!  And also because it's Friday, Friday, getting down on Friday, everybody's looking forward to the weekend!  MAN was that a fun and catchy song!  How did that girl not win a Grammy for that?  Besides the fact that it's awful kid garbage that anyone who repeats or sings it should be shot i mean.  Except for yours truly of course, especially when it's a Friday, Friday, getting down on Friday!
But yeah i hope everyone has plans to drink and smoke and snort and inject and swallow and lick and just do WHATEVER you have to to do to make sure  you have the money time this weekend!  And i'm not kidding, if you're down for any of that stuff i hope you do whatever makes you happy, just as long as you're old enough and responsible enough to do so and you don't bother anyone else.  And most importantly, you can do whatever you want as long as you can handle you're $hit!  That's a big deal to me, because i don't dig hanging out with fools who bug out or get all weird and nutty when they are drinking alcohol and/or are  doing "substances."  In fact, I don't go joy-poppin' with bubble-gummers, my friends can handle their highs!

But speaking of not being able to handle said stuff, today i want to tell you a story from back when i was in high school.  A tale about one of my younger friends who DEFINITELY couldn't handle his liquor.  And no i'm not talking about a little 16 year old miguel jose, that kid could handle his alcohol!  If by handle you mean spending every morning after a late night of drinking at the park across the street throwing up into a ditch and then ending up on the toilet bowl for hours...
But this story isn't about little ol' me, for once it's actually about someone else!  It was this guy Mike who was only a junior when we were Seniors, but for some reason this young rascal thought he could hang with the big boys and drink with us!  Which to his defense has was able to do, it was just the handling of the drinking afterwards that ended up being his problem.  Because as we were driving home in my friends mom's red van he started getting sick.  Yet this young buck wasn't smart enough to know that you're better off throwing up in a park, or a toilet, or ANYWHERE that wasn't my friend's mom's red van!  So instead, he got sick in the back of the car and threw up alcohol and the spaghetti he apparently eaten earlier in the night all over the backseat!  It was a nightmare!
And i learned something important on that day, and that is if someone throws up in your car you will NEVER get that smell out of your car... EVER!!!  For real, that kid Mike who threw up is old enough to have his own kids that are juniors in high school now, and that smell STILL hasn't come out of that red van!  And it's incredible to realize that you can pretty much get over any mistake that you make in your life, from saying a racist comment when you didn't know the cameras were on, to running a dog fighting ring and still getting another job as a quarterback (even if it's with a piss poor NFL team), to even starting a war with a country over the false claim that they have WMD's and then having a "Mission Accomplished" sign wave over you despite the fact the war would still go on for over a decade.
But if there is ONE mistake that you can never come back from, it's throwing up inside of a car.  i know i drop a ton of nonsense on you kids blog in and blog out, but i hope this nugget of information sticks with you.  Kind of like how their were nuggest of spaghetti and meatballs sticking to the back seat of the car for as long as he owned it.  So whatever you do, never throw up in a car people!  Because this story happened 53 years ago, and that lovely spaghetti and beer and vomit smell is so ingrained into the fabric of my friend's mom's red van that no amount of Febreeze or airing it out or even apparently any length of time will EVER let it go...


- i don't know what everyone plans on being this year for Halloween, but if there is one costume i'm going to tell you not to wear its' one of those Hazmat suits with an EBOLA sign on it.  Not because i find it offensive, because to be honest i couldn't possibly care less about this Ebola "scare" and i think it's ridiculous people are actually scared about something that has killed one or two people in this country when guns are responsible for over 30,000 deaths per year with 20 instances of mass murder caused by guns as well.  When you look at those facts it's Ebola that gets you so scared you $hit your pants?  Really???

But yeah i don't find this costume offensive. i find it lame and unoriginal and everyone's going to do it, so if you end up being one of those people just know i find you so lame and unoriginal that i actually am offended now. Trick or treat! 
A Great Name for a Punk Band!  "The Joy Poppers"      

C'mon, JEWELL!!   You had to see that coming!  

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE -  There should be a special place in hell reserved for a$$holes at your job who take food out of the refrigerator that isn't theirs.  What the f*ck is your problem, you ghetto food stealing motherf*ckers?  You're that much of a thieving dirtbag that you need to take food that isn't yours at work?  Because it's not bad enough that i gotta be here 9-5 Monday through Friday every single week of my entire life, just to not be able to afford to pay any of my bills on time and/or go on a real vacation EVER.  Now i gotta deal with some f*ckhead i work with stealing my leftovers from Chili's the night before so i have to starve the rest of the day?  Thanks man, i really appreciate it.  The only thing i would appreciate more is if i could catch you doing it.  Boy i wish i could've caught him doing it.  i'd have given anything to catch that a$$hole doing it.  It'd been worth him doing it, just so i could've caught him doing it...  
Fast Food Tips - So i'm not gonna front and tell you that Burger King has better nuggets then McDonalds because that would be a dirty, filthy lie.  But i will tell you that right now BK is selling 10 nuggest for $1.49 which means that you can get 20 nuggets for only $4!  Wait, that's not right.  Is it $5.50?  Hold on, i need to get a calculator... ok i'm back.  So yeah like i was saying you can get 20 nuggets from Burger King for only $3!  What a deal!  
As for dipping sauces you can get BBQ, Honey Mustard, Ranch, Zesty, Buffalo, and Sweet & Sour.  And don't forget from one of my earliest fast food tips to ask for EXACTLY how many sauces you want of each when ordering!  Don't say "i want honey mustard and BBQ please!" Because then you'll get 1 of each and you'll be left eating dry sauceless nuggets.  When you're ordering you need to say "i need TWO bbq, TWO buffalo, TWO sweet and sour and TWO Ranch please!"  And then when you're eating your nuggets with all of the dipping sauces you desire you can have me to thank for it!  And you can be sure that once i get home i'll be dipping my own personal nuggets in all of the creamy sauce i want!
And that's it for me today kids!  i hope today's blog inspires you to go out and do something this weekend, even if it's only sitting on your couch watching television eating $1.49 BK nuggets until you're heart explodes.  If that's what makes you have a good time then go do it!  But if you go out anywhere afterwards and you start to feel sick from eating all of that fake "chicken," whatever you do don't get sick in your car!  

Cya Tuesday!  @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Think you gotta keep me iced, you don't. Think i'm gonna spend your cash, i won't. Even if you were broke my love don't cost a thing. - Jennifer Lopez "Love Don't Cost a Thing"


What is up kids?

So did any of you notice something different about today's blog?  i'm sure you didn't so i'll just tell you, it's actually posted on time today!  Do you believe in miracles?!?  My fat dumb lazy a$$ actually put up a Tuesday blog when it was supposed to be up!  There is a God!!!
Anyways, i hope you all had the money weekend.  i know i sure did!  i mean sure i never left my place and/or did anything except hang out with my money girl and some awesome people who came by, but that is all i need to have a fun weekend these days!  i don't need to be going out and spending money i don't have like i used to when i was younger.  Back then i would spend all sorts of duckets on expensive alcohol and high priced shots when i should have been saving up for being a grown up instead.  But oh well, there's nothing i can do about my past, what's done is done!  Well except for actually starting to save up now since i'm already an adult and need to start to plan my life with my girl.  Because apparently being a broke ass lowlife who is ridiculously handsome and funny doesn't pay the bills.  Who would have guessed?  i don't know, maybe it's time that i went back to that job i had when i was in college?  It's not the most glamorous profession but at least they were able to make a movie out of my story...
But yeah while i definitely don't go out as much as i used to, thinking about that fact did make me think of a funny story of a time when i was younger and did still like to go out and party.  i'm talking back when i would actually pre-game at one bar before going to the real one we planned on hanging out at all night.  Remember pre-gaming like that back in the day?  Now my pre-games revolve around me doing a power hour by myself before getting too drunk and sick and throwing up and deucing myself to no end and then never leaving the couch and/or toilet bowl...
But this story i'm about to tell you is about my night in the city with my boys, or at least the bar we were pregaming at in Hoboken before we went out.  i think the bar was called the Wilton House but i'm probably wrong, i'm sure Harrison will remind me because he was there for this story and he remembers everything.  But yeah this bar was a total dive, and the only reason we went there to pregame was because they had like $2 draft beers or something.  So all of us went in there ready to pound some cheap drinks and watch football, but for some reason the lady behind the bar REFUSED to put our game on the t.v.  We asked her nicely in the beginning to please put on the game and the lady was just like "we don't have that channel!" and then never put it on.  So Harrison goes to the lady " um, excuse me ma'am?  i have the same cable provider that you have and the reason you don't think the game is on is because you keep putting on the wrong channel.  Could you please put on channel 420 so we could watch the game please?"  And the lady was still like , "Nope, we don't have it!" and then never put the game on.

Thanks a lot you bitch!  It's bad enough that this place is a total dive and the only people in there are their scumbag regulars who are all older racist white dudes who are bald with tattoos and look like Sons of Anarchy rejects.  Now you won't even put on the channel that we KNOW the football game is on even though we asked nicely a bunch of times to do so?  i think we need to teach you fools a lesson!  And teach them a lesson we did, as we prepared to get the greatest revenge ever!
So remember how i said the entire crowd in this place was lowlife biker white trash? Well we thought it would be funny if before we left that bar if we put a few songs on the jukebox.  And by a few songs i mean over 20, and by "songs" i mean we only picked one.  And that one song was "Love Don't Cost a Thing" by Jennfier Lopez!  If you don't remember this song it's an EXTREMELY long cheesy pop song that i'm sure no one in that bar had ever heard before, but i guarantee that they definitely know it now!  Because we put in enough money to play that one song 20 TIMES IN A ROW, and we left the bar right as the music started for the first one.  And to be honest i almost wished one of stayed behind, or at least went back an hour later to see the looks on those aholes faces as the realization of that song being played OVER AND OVER again finally hit them, i mean for real we put enough money to play that song for the rest of the weekend!  And if i had to make a bet i would guarantee that at some point they would have just pulled the plug on that thing, because there is NO WAY they would have been able to handle hearing that song once let alone the 20 times we put it in for.   But i'd like to think they weren't able to turn the jukebox off and they were stuck listening to J-Lo's lyrics until they finally realized what pathetic low life dirtbags they were and how awful their lives are.  That's probably not what happened but i can dream, can't i?

- So if you're a woman or a feminine man who owns a purse, NEVER set it on the ground!  Apparently if you do this you are telling the money Gods that you want to be broke, not to mention that you're also saying that you have a ghetto ass purse and you don't care if it's on the dirty ass ground!  But being ghetto is one thing, because for real i have ZERO problems with being ghetto.  Every sugar packet that i own says "Dunkin Donuts" on it because i always straight rape that place of all it's sugar when i go, and all the napkins in my house say "Wendy's' on it for the exact same reason.  But if putting your purse on the ground means you will lose money then ghetto or not you should stop doing it because you don't want to be broke!  And i don't know the science behind this fact, i'm guessing it's the same laws that say you're not supposed to buy the girl/guy you're with shoes as a present because then you're asking them to walk out of your life.  But i don't make these rules, i just follow them! 
The Guy Who F*CKED Me In Fantasy Football This Week...  This week is actually a surprise, because the guy who F'd me the most was myself!  Can someone PLEASE tell me what i was thinking benching DeMarco Murray this past weekend?  What could possibly make me do that?!?  Is it because he's by far the best running back in the league right now?  Is it because Dallas has an incredible offensive line and with Romo being a fair to poor quarterback at best that OF COURSE they need to stick with the run and give Murray the ball a bunch of times so he runs for 115 yards and a touchdown while also catching a few passes for 31 yards receiving as well?  What the F*ck was i thinking?!!

"Well maybe you were thinking about how Seattle has the BEST defense at home, and how up until last Sunday no running back has run for over 40 yards this year!  And maybe you were banking on the fact that Romo would choke, the same way he does in any big situation! And maybe you were fine putting in Andre Ellington because he scored over 30 fantasy points the week before and you figured he had a much better matchup since he wasn't going against the incredible Seahawks defense!  Especially when Russell Wilson has only lost 1 game ever at home until yesterday!  You took a risk and it didn't work out, don't let that make you think you aren't the moneyest fantasy football player around!"  Wow, you're right. Thanks for that!  i AM the gddamn money fantasy football player!  F*ck you Dallas!  And F*ck you Romo!  See you this Sunday against the G-men ya jerks!

A Great Name for a Punk Band! "The Oopsie Dasies"    And yeah i think i've used this one before but man i still think it's fantastic!

Fast Food Tips - So i've never been in a "Little Ceasars" in my life, which is funny because i've seen the "Pizza Pizza!" commercials my entire life.  i remember being like 6 years old and seeing their commercials advertising $5 pizzas and being like "holy $hitballs i'm only 6 years old and i can afford that!"  Flash forward 30 years later and i'm still seeing these commercials, yet i still have zero clue where i can find a Little Ceasars pizza place.  Which SUCKS because apparently they have a brand new Soft Pretzel Crust Pizza that i need to shove in my face hole immediately!  This debacle is advertised on their website as something that : starts with a flavorful, buttery, soft pretzel crust made fresh daily in store. It is topped with creamy cheddar cheese sauce, a blend of 100% real cheese, and pepperoni, and then finished with an irresistible four-cheese gourmet blend of Asiago, Fontina, Parmesan, and White Cheddar cheeses. Only Little Caesars offers a mouthwatering, premium pretzel crust pizza at a tremendous value, with no calling, waiting or online ordering hassle required thanks to the convenience of HOT-N-READY!

So yeah, basically they are telling you there is literally zero wait before you get this mouthful of fake awful ingredients down your throat and end up on the bowl releasing a  creamy cheddar cheese sauce out your HOT-N-READY butt cheeks with literally no calling, waiting or online ordering hassle!  i don't know if i made this pizza sound appetizing or if you'll ever find an actual Little Ceasars restaurant but if anyone can answer either one of those questions let me know!  Pizza Pizza!   
And that's it for me today kids!  Hopefully there aren't too many spelling and/or grammar mistakes on this blog because i didn't have my normal chance to proofread this.  And YES i know i normally have a ton of both so even if i do today no one will notice.

But whatever, it's up on time and that's what she said!  And oh yeah, if someone could do me on a favor besides coming back this Friday for an all new blog, please can one of you watch my episode of "Better Off Dead" from VHS Breakdown Season One?  i only need ONE MORE view to get to 600 for this one and that would make me feel good so someone do that please :)

And i'll cya kids on Friday with an all new blog!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Friday, October 10, 2014

There's no basement at the Alamo! - Jan Hooks "Pee Wee's Big Adventure"


What is up kids?

You know i always ask everybody "what's up" when i start off these blogs, but for once i actually know the answer.  Or at least i do with the high school football team in Sayerville, New Jersey, Because apparently what's up is high school seniors fingers in underclassmen's butts!
If you haven't heard the story yet (and if you haven't consider yourself lucky), apparently there was an incident with hazing by the Sayerville high school football team.  And by "hazing" i mean that the Seniors on the football team would turn off all of the lights in the locker room, start howling like wolves, pin a freshman football player to the floor before lifting him to his feet and inserting a finger into his rectum and then also sometimes shoving that same said finger into the kid's mouth. And that's totally insane and crazy, right?!?

Yeah to normal people i guess it is. But to anyone who has ever played football, or joined a fraternity, or got hazed back in the day when bullies would beat you up and embarrass you daily and not just write hurtful comments on your Facebook wall knows this story really isn't that crazy.  And no i'm not condoning this awful behavior!  i know that's the first thing people are going to get mad about so i'll just stop you now, because i'm not saying this is right in any way and/or should be tolerated.

But to anyone who has never been in a football locker room you just don't understand the culture of what goes on in there.  It's teenage boys going through puberty and exploding with testosterone who are under a ridiculous amount of pressure from both family and peers to try and figure out who they want to be in this world.  It's straight up insanity!  And sometimes you end up with a finger in someone else's butthole!

Well maybe not.  But still, i'll never understand how adults seem to forget how f'n CRAZY being a teenager was.  You never have passion in your heart the way you do when you're a teenager, mostly because it's impossible to have that kind of energy when you're older!  i mean there's a reason teenagers don't drink coffee every morning, it's because being 16 is like drinking a case of Red Bull before doing lines of coke!  Not that i've ever done either...
But my point is that while of course everyone is so "outraged" about this story, people also need to realize this kind of $hit happens ALL THE TIME.  It's nice that all the nerds in America feel more protected from bullying now, and i honestly feel that's a good thing.  But it's going to take a LOOOONG time before that also crosses over into what is considered very manly professions like sports and government and being a policeman.  There's an extremely sexist and racist and ignorant mindset that goes on when a bunch of men get together, and hopefully when cases like this get exposed we can finally start to change the mindset of these alpha males jerk offs.  Because being young and full of testosterone is a reason why these kids act like maniacs, but it's not allowed to be an excuse.  We need to stop saying "boys will be boys" and let them know while they're still young that trying to be the coolest and toughest guy on the block is an old school nonsense way of thinking.  And there's nothing worse then old school nonsense!  Except for random nonsense i guess...


- So i want to say Rest in Peace to Jan Hooks, the SNL alum who's given us all a ridiculous amount of hilarious laughs in her lifetime.  i'll always remember her from SNL and her role as Jenna Maroney's mom on "30 Rock," but apparently the Internet only remembers her as the Alamo tour guide in "Pee Wee's Big Adventure."  Which is pretty ridiuclous becuase while that is the best movie ever Jan Hooks is barely in it and she is much better in her funny roles on SNL!

But whatever, if this is what you kids want who am i to not give it to you? So here's one of my favorite episodes of Season One of "VHS Breakdown" where we review Tim Burton's directorial debut "Pee Wee's Big Adventure!"  

- Hockey is back!  And the Devils are already undefeated for the season!  And while i'm glad to watch hockey again, i do miss the hockey season from last year.  If you don't remember, it's the one where the New York Rangers totally lucked out and somehow made it to the Stanley Cup finals despite not being that great and having a fair to poor goalie.  But just in case you forgot how last season ended, here's a little reminder to all of you who need one...
A Great Name for a Punk Band!  "Hey Girl Hey"

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - Why do people who are serving me at a restaurant always ask if i'd like to "try" one of their dinner specials?  Or even "try" one of their amazing craft beers or "try" one of their wonderful original mixed drink specials?  Because when you ask me to "try" something i am assuming i get to "try" it for free, because that is what you do when you "try" something.  However, if by "try" something you are really asking me to "buy" that item then maybe you should just say that.  Because now that i have to "buy" your over priced speciality beers and "buy" that smoked salmon with the bacon encrusted almonds over fresh asparagus with lobster sprinkles that goes for $65 a plate, i gotta say now all of a sudden i'm not so interested...

Haha i totally just made up that smoked salmon special but doesn't that sound delicious?  Someone get on making that, i'd love to "try" it!

Fast Food Tips - This is easily the best Fast Food Tip i've given in a LONG ass time, and it's one that people from Dumont will be happy to hear.  Denaros sandwiches, which is the GREATEST sub shop on the planet will now be available in select On the Run and Tiger Marts around North Jersey!  If you've never had a Denaro's sub you're either not from Dumont or are one of those wacky gluten freaks who can't eat delicious bread.  But if you're normal like the rest of us go out and get one of these subs ASAP, i promise it'll be the best bread you've ever had on a sandwich!  With my juicy Mexican buns coming in a close second. 
And that's it for me today kids!  And did you notice i did an entire blog about kids getting touched without dropping a Sandusky reference?  That's because i never take the easy joke!  i knew you all thought it was cumming and instead i decided not to drop that joke and i pulled out!

But i'll creampie you all with love and easy jokes on Tuesday when i'm back here with an all new blog.  So have a great weekend and i'll cya then!

Cya Tuesday, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Haven’t we had about enough of this cigar smoking $hit in this country? Sigmund Freud said ‘Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.’ Oh, yeah? Well, sometimes it’s a big, brown d!ck, with a fat, arrogant, white-collar business criminal a$$hole sucking on the wet end of it. - George Carlin


What is up kids?

It's a beautiful fall afternoon, and yours truly couldn't be happier!  Well that's not true, i only won two of my 4 leagues in fantasy football this past weekend so i'm a little down about that.  Mostly because when you're as dominant of a fantasy player as i am you expect to go 4 - 0 every week!  But even Jesus himself wasn't perfect, and therefore i am choosing not to be so hard on myself.  Even though just like our Lord and savior i did have plenty of bread and wine this weekend!  And by bread i mean pizza, and by wine i mean i drank 3 or 4 bottles from Friday night into Saturday plus some shots of Fireball.  So if you were at the beach this weekend you would have seen ZERO sets of footprints in the sand, because on Sunday i was a hungover MESS and my fat dumb ass couldn't even be carried.  In fact, if you saw anything in the sand it was probably an imprint of me face planting!
But this weekend wasn't all me boozing and eating pizza and telling blasphemous jokes.  i also got to see Rob slap his bass all night on Saturday, and i mean he slapped it HARD.  He grabbed his thick, sweaty bass between his legs and slapped that $hit until he was covered in sweat and other bodily fluids while sticking out his tongue and dancing around while he slapped it again and again.  And oh yeah, i also saw him on stage when he played with his band "Toy Canon!' 
 If you didn't get out to see this awesome show then you only have yourself to blame, because i definitely told all of you about Rob's band playing at The Orange Lantern in Paramus on Friday's blog.  So if you blew it that's on you! (That's what she said)  But speaking of blowing it (that's what she said), for the second week in a row i need to apologize for posting my Tuesday blog so late.  i'm still posting it on Tuesday which is a step up from last week, but i do try to get it up by noon (that's what she said) so when i don't i feel kinda bad even though no one ever complains and i don't get paid to do this or anything.
But yeah, if this keeps happening i may have to change my blog schedule from now on.  Maybe instead of Tuesday mornings i'll start posting on Mondays or Wednesdays.  Or maybe i'll just post my Tuesday blog at 4:20 going forward instead of at noon?  i don't know, does anyone have any ideas or suggestions for me?  "Yeah i got one, why don't you stop being so lazy and just write that $hit on time?  And why don't you try being funnier and more original while you're at it?  And also, when are you going to start losing weight? You're a big fat out of shape f*ck and once you die of diabetes you won't have to worry about posting blogs anymore!"

Wow, that really wasn't helpful at all.  And i still don't know what i'm going to do about posting these, but this Tuesday morning stuff is just getting too tough for me.  Mostly because i'm at work, and i just don't have access to a computer to post it.  But also like my "friend" mentioned before i'm just too tired and lazy to finish it on Monday nights.  "And fat!" Oh yeah, that too...
But whatever, my blog is up now so let's think about all of this stuff later and let's just get to the Random Nonsense already, shall we? 


- Is there ANYTHING more obnoxious on the planet then someone who smokes cigars?  Jeebus Tap Dancing Christmas, do you really need to shove that big fat smelly cancer factory in your mouth and ruin the area for everyone around you within a mile radius?  Unless you are in a cigar bar or your own smoke filled disgusting house by yourself, you should NEVER light up a cigar anywhere.  If only because there is the concept of other people who might actually hate the smell of horrific cigar smoke.  You know, the kind of people who hope you suck on that brown nicotine filled penis as the white sperm like smoke fills your belly with  swimmies of death.  i hope you enjoy the cancer creampie your lungs are getting while the rest of us who are smart enough empty out  those disgusting cigars and their awful tobacco and instead fill that blunt with Mary Jane the way God intended!
- Am i the only person who still loves lava lamps?  For real, they are the gddamn MONEY! i mean honestly, what's better then enjoying one of the good "cigars" i just mentioned above and sitting and looking at a lava lamp for hours on end?  Nothing, that's what.  The colors are awesome, all the crazy shapes and patterns that the "lava" makes is hypnotic, and they instantly make any room a fun and classy place to be.  Yet no one talks about and/or has them anymore!  Good thing i don't pay attention to what the public actually likes, because if i did i would watch awful shows like "The Big Bang Theory" and i would take selfies nonstop and put them on Instagram and i would also have zero lava lamps in my room instead of the 4 and counting i do have!  You people are straight up silly sometimes...
 A Great Name for a Punk Band!  "The Sweet Teeth"

The Guy Who F*CKED Me In Fantasy Football This Week Is ... -C'mon Megatron!  You were my number one pick in fantasy football, and i NEVER take wide receivers in the first round ever!  And then after being the money in the beginning of the season you go DOS weeks in a row  where you need to bang me in the a$$ and get zero points?  i mean i guess it is my fault, he is a Decepticon for crying out loud.  But the whole point of me picking a football player who is so dominant that he gets the nickname "Megatron" was to whoop some a$$ in my fantasy leagues.  Now the next thing i know i suffer an embarrassing loss to Rob!  Forget everything i said about Jesus and the Footprints in the sand because there is no God!  Not when i lose to Rob!
And that's it for me today kids! And for real, let me know what you kids think i should do on Tuesdays going forward because as of now I gots none clue.  i'm thinking i'll just keep it on Tuesday's  and i'll just post it whenever i damn well please i guess.  Kinda like i did today!

But i hope you all have a great week and i'll see you kids back here on Friday, probably right on time too!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Friday, October 3, 2014

I think of all the education that I missed. But then my homework was never quite like this. Got it bad, got it bad, got it bad, I'm hot for teacher. - Van Halen


What is up kids?

i'll tell you what's up, it's the first Friday of October and it's time to start the weekend!  Well maybe not this second, because i know some of you are probably still at work right now as you read this, including myself.  But who cares, if you're like me you've been checked out since 9 a.m., and nothing can bring you down on this beautiful weekend!  Not even the threat of the Ebola virus! Which is LITERALLY the dumbest thing people in this country are scared about right now.  You are more likely to die from ANYTHING ELSE on the planet then you are from Ebola, yet people are extremely panicked because the news media makes money on fear and business is a boomin...
But rather then spend my weekend worried about a disease that is basically impossible to catch, i'm going to pretend i'm still in my 20's and drink and party my face up when i go see Rob's band play this Saturday at the Orange Lantern in Paramus!  And you should all join me!  If you think Rob is great at producing and editing and directing "VHS Breakdown" then just wait until you see him up on stage slapping his bass between his legs!  Trust me, it's a sight to behold!
So if you're in the Bergen County area this weekend and/or just want to come and see the creators of VHS Breakdown in person then head to the OL tomorrow at 10 p.m. to watch a money rock cover band as well as buy a bunch of drinks and shots for both yourself and yours truly.  The second part is more of just a suggestion, but feel free to take advantage of my generous offer, you won't regret it!*  

And oh yeah, we've got some BIG news coming on VHS Breakdown soon as well.  So if you haven't already go to our VHS BREAKDOWN FACEBOOK PAGE to keep up on all of our latest news!  And more importantly, make sure you don't miss out on this awesome weekend.  Life is too short to let it pass you by!  So even if you aren't cool enough to come hang with me tomorrow, try to go out to a happy hour, or a bar, or a club, or even that pants party you were invited to.  You owe it to yourself to have a great time in this life, so go do it already!  And enjoy the nonsense! 


- So i actually dig my job bad and have nothing bad to say about the people i work with.  But there is something that i need to say to two specific people in my office, and i can't hold it in any longer.  Because i've been trying to ignore your awful behavior, but i just can't do it anymore and i'm finally going to call you out.  First, to the person who makes popcorn in the kitchen.  F*cking quit it already!  Yeah yeah we all love popcorn.  But NOBODY enjoys smelling it all throughout the office at work!  Why don't you heat up some old salmon in the microwave while you're at it?  There is literally nothing that has a stronger smell then popcorn, except for burnt popcorn which you also seem to enjoy making every other day.  How about for once you be considerate and just make your popcorn at home instead of ruining the smell of the ENTIRE office?  Just a thought.
And oh yeah, don't think i forgot about you person who brings a cooler of food and then puts it in the refrigerator.  What's a matter, you couldn't think of anything more obnoxious then shoving a large cooler taking up all the room in a refrigerator that already keeps your food cold?  Do you not understand the purpose of a refrigerator?  It seems pretty self explanatory, but apparently you don't understand the concept because you're a moron.  Are you going to bring in your stove to keep in our microwave next?

And yeah i know it's convenient for you to pack your lunch at home and then hog up the work fridge with your unnecessary cooler, but the rest of us think you are an a$$hole, and if your food tastes a little funny today it's because i'm constantly opening your cooler and hocking big yellow globs of mucus all over it.  You're welcome you big inconsiderate bag of douche!

A Great Name for a Punk Band! "The Caca Mamies"

Admit it, that one was FANTASTIC!!!

"Facebook Etiquette"-


-So for the record i don't watch any of the "Housewives" shows.  And i DEFINITELY do not watch the one  with the Jersey wives.  But did you see that fight between Teresa's and Melissa's husbands last Sunday??  That was the best thing ever.  Mostly because Joe Gorga is a balding meathead who had NO CHANCE at beating his sister's husband Joe up.  And yes it's hilarious that both these Italian meatballs names are Joe, Italians are the funniest people ever.  But Joe Gorga KNEW he had no chance at beating up other Joe, so rather then fight him like a man he just charged Teresa's husband knowing that it was his only chance...

Except it wasn't!  Because other Joe totally stood his ground and took Gorga's charge like a man, then he took Gorga and threw him against the window like a little bitch.  What an f'n MONSTER!  Teresa's husband is NO JOKE, and Joe Gorga is very lucky he didn't get beaten up even worse.  And not only did he get tossed like a bitch, he also got his black spray paint that he uses on his "hair" all over the place and on everyone who tried to break that fight up!  And i actually don't really have a problem with Joe Gorga, other then the fact that he's totally pu$$y whipped by his wife and she's the reason him and his sister can't reconcile.  But i am now the biggest fan of Teresa's husband and would not mess with that guy in a million years.  Hopefully Joe Gorga learned that lesson as well!  And oh yeah i literally never watch that show...
- Speaking of Joe and Theresa, it would seem that it's not the smartest idea to claim bankruptcy on a reality show where everyone watches you live in an expensive house wearing expensive clothes and expensive jewelry and going to expensive restaurants and expensive parties.  Because if you're claiming you are bankrupt how can you do all of those expensive things?

Well apparently the IRS asked the same question, and after a little investigating and a big court case both Joe and Theresa are going to jail.  Not at the same time, because if you're white and you are on television the courts will allow one of you to stay home to watch the kids.  Which i'm sure is something that is offered to all black parents when they happen to get arrested.  And i actually like Joe and Tre and think it sucks that not only do they have to go to jail but Joe is also going to get deported back to Italy once he's done with his sentence.  But apparently only caring about material things and not trying to be a better person catches up with you, which is why our legal system looked these two Italian meatballs in the eye and said...

And that's it for me today kids!  i hope i see you tomorrow night at the OL to watch Rob's band, but if not i hope you have a great weekend and i'll see you kids back here on Tuesday with an all new blog!**

Cya Tuesday!  @migueljose_85 on Twitter

* you will almost certainly regret it
** If i don't get super lazy and forget to post it until Wednesday that is...