A FIRST LOOK AT MY NEW YOUTUBE SHOW:
What is up kids?
"By the looks of that poster i'm guessing your cholesterol? Seriously buddy you may want to consider dropping a few LB's..."
Really? That's how you say "hi" to me on my Tuesday blog? Thanks jerks, i really appreciate it!
But for real, how the heck is everyone? Because despite your petty attacks on my weight i must say i'm in a pretty fantastic mood. Mostly because i've finally created something seriously funny that i'm proud of, and no it's obviously not my blog. And i can't wait to show it to all of you!
"That's not true miguel, we LOVE your blog! It's amazing that you have the dedication to write such hilarious original blogs twice a week, even though you don't get paid to do it. And the only thing you ask from us back is to keep reading and to share and/or "like" your stuff on Facebook once in awhile! Which goes to show you truly are a great person, as well as one funny and sexy motherf*cker as well!!"
Aw, thanks for that. :) You totally made up for the "LB's" comment. But back to my excitement and how hilarious i am, i'm proud to show all of you the very first preview for my new Interwebs show where i do movie reviews of old VHS tapes called, "VHS Breakdown." It premieres June 12th @ 4:20 on our Youtube channel, but today is the release of our first "promo." So if you're reading this blog you're getting the very first look!
So did you get the premise of the show? Basically i own a ton of old VHS movies and i gots nothing to do with them. They take up so much room at my place, i can't sell them, and there's no point in even giving them away since no one wants old VHS tapes. So i decided i would watch every movie i own, give it one last movie review, and then i'm going to smash the $hit out of that motherf*cker. Do you get the double meaning of the title Jewell? Because i'm going to BREAK DOWN the VHS that i have with a hilarious movie review, and then i'm going to BREAK the VHS when i'm done, basically a VHS BREAKDOWN. Really Jewell, you still don't get it? That's cool i guess...
But yeah me and Rob put a ton of work into this show. And by ton of work i mean i literally did a power hour and blazed my balleens off before doing every episode. And every time after we were finished shooting Rob would order us pizza and get some brews to celebrate. Then after puking and deucing my face off i would go to bed and Rob would go home and stay up all night and day looking at video and editing all of it down until we had a finished project. So basically what i'm saying is I'M the star and this whole show thing is my idea!
And to be honest i don't know what we expect to come out from any of this. All i know is that this show we created is really funny, and if someone else put it out on the Interwebs i know i would definitely watch it probably. And i also know that many of my friends don't read my blog because: A. They don't know funny and 2. They have the attention span of a 7 year old on ecstasy at a Dub Step rave and they have zero chance of reading an entire one of my blogs from beginning to end.
So to those people as well as yourselves, i really hope you dig our new show. Yeah i know a ton of people do movie reviews, but i guarantee there are few that are as funny or as sexy as me. Well, definitely not the latter. But after seeing the first couple of episodes i have to say again i'm really proud of what we did, and i hope that when the show comes out you all help me spread the word so i can FINALLY get famous and make money and get new friends and quit my blog and quit hanging out with Rob or talking to any of you ever again in my life! Please make this happen kids!!!!
-So i just want to say my heart goes out to the people that got done up by that huge tornado in Oklahoma yesterday. i know i act like i hate people in general and most times i truly do. But i don't wish this fate on anyone, and the devastation that these towns went through is absolutely horrible and i hope as many people as possible are okay. i don't know, it's pretty f'n scary how often these storms hit us up these days. It seems like every other week there is another freak of nature storm. Although considering how often these storms are happening, "freak" might not be the correct term anymore. Personally i'm mad broke, but if any one's got 10 beans that they want to donate to the cause to make themselves feel better about life you should most definitely do it!!
-So can someone help me just lose weight already??? Jeebus Christmas kids, now that i'm doing this show and have to watch myself on camera it's getting a tad harder to just ignore how big i am and how much weight i need to lose. i take a lot of substances to help me "alter" my own reality. From the legal ones to the not so legal ones (allegedly) i constantly try to ignore the fact that i need to work out and eat better and instead enjoy a life of laziness and sloth not seen since Kevin Spacey was exhibiting his own kind of justice in the movie "Seven." (Spoiler alert! Kevin Spacey is the killer in "Seven!")
But yeah i know i need to lose weight, i understand that working out is something that i need/have to do. Not only to look good on camera, but also so i can live on this wacky planet a little longer then most people would expect. But i just CAN'T think that way right now. i just can't "turn the switch" as no one says. So if anyone has any ideas that don't involve mocking me heavily i am all ears! Well ears and a big stomach apparently...
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - It's awesome that there is fighting in hockey. For real, it's crazy! i mean what other sport can you fight in? Besides fighting i mean. Think about how much trouble you get in in the NFL or NBA for throwing ONE punch. "OMG he threw a punch! Suspension! He should be banned from the league! My vagina hurts!" Not hockey though. Full out brawl by both teams? "5 minutes for fighting guys! Enough with the horseplay!" i don't get why more people don't watch hockey. It's so intense and fast paced and there are like 75% less commercials then every other sport. Personally i love the New Jersey Devils, because i'm from Jersey and because i'm a classy individual who roots for classy teams. But regardless, my point is that the fights in hockey are awesome and i really, REALLY hate the New York Rangers. Why should i hate them you're probably asking yourself? i know what you mean. Why hate them when they haven't won a cup since 94, and before that it was 1948! So basically after one "fluke" year, why would i even listen to their non cup having trash talking fans? That's a fine point you just made there. F those Rangers!
Sorry Albin, this isn't towards you. If there was such a thing as a "classy" Rangers fan it'd be you buddy. The rest of these aholes can suck my big fat one though.
A Great Name for a Punk Band! "Geez Louise"
Fast Food Tips - i don't normally tell you to mark things down on your calendar. "Besides the June 12th premier of your new show you mean!" Yes i mean besides that. But this Thursday, May 23rd Sonic is selling 50 cent corn dogs ALL DAY LONG! Which is such a great deal that even though i'm not eating fast food anymore i'm going to literally buy $20 worth of corn dogs and then cover them in hot mustard and ketchup and my own personal mayo and shove them down my pants and rub up and down against my leather couch until completion. Does that sound crazy? Maybe, but not any crazier then 50 cent corn dogs!!
And oh yeah i gots one more Fast Food Tip- McDonalds has a new Blueberry Pomegranate Smoothie and you can try a small size for $1 from May 21st through the 23rd. i don't know if it'll be any good but at least it's only one bean!
And that's it for me kids. Exciting news today right? No? Well i disagree. i'm real fired up for "VHS Breakdown" and i can't wait to show you the first episode on June 12th! Obviously i can't, it's the only gddamn thing i've talked about all day...
But i hope everyone has a great week. Go like "VHS Breakdown" on Facebook and Twitter and Youtube and all that stuff. My advice would be to get on the bandwagon now because when this show blows up like "Chocolate Rain" you're gonna wanna tell people you were on board from the beginning!
See you kids Friday!! @migueljose_85 and now @VHSBreakdown !