Friday, January 30, 2015

You've got a real type of thing goin' down, gettin' down, there's a whole lot of rhythm goin' round. You've got a real type of thing goin' down, gettin' down, there's a whole lot of rhythm goin' round. Oww, we want the funk, give up the funk! Oww, we need the funk, we gotta have that funk! - George Carlin and the Parliament Funkadelic "Give Up the Funk"


What is up kids?

So yeah i hate to start off my only blog of the week on a down note, especially when it's finally Friday!  But GdDAMN have things been f*cking strange as $hitballs so far in 2015. i won't say that they have been straight up terrible necessarily, but they most certainly ain't been not that great.  Everything just seems "off" and wrong lately, like there is a glitch in the Matrix.  And i for one am getting sick of it!
For real, i just can't seem to shake this funk that i am in.  And no amount of boozing and not exercising and/or not eating healthy seems to be helping anything.  And the worst part of it all is that i don't really know what it is that's so off, so i'm not 100% sure how i'm supposed to go about fixing it.  i mean if  i was in a fight with someone and i knew i needed to fix that i could work on it.  Or if my job was terrible and i would rather purposely get into an accident while driving on the way to work then go into the office then i could just do that.  And trust, me i have DEFINITELY had jobs where i seriously debated getting into that accident.  ANYTHING other then having to walk into my old job!
But again, whatever it is that has me in this funk is nothing that i can put my finger on.  i'm not even fired up for the Super Bowl for crying out loud, and i f'n love football more then life itself!  Although i am really excited to see who wins, whether the Seahawks can prove how money they are by becoming repeat champions or just to find out what kind of cheating the Pats plan on doing this Sunday.  Because when it comes to Brady they don't call it "Tom"Foolery for nothing!    Ugh, you see what i mean?  Where the hell did that awful joke just come from?  i'm off, OFF i tells ya!
And i guess i need to get more proactive instead of just hoping this feeling goes away, because it's almost February and i don't see a change in sight.  And i've been in this kind of funk before and it always eventually just went away.  But apparently my procrastination with everything in life has been a bull$hit approach to my future, and now i'm just reaping the punishment of my gluttonous and lazy life now.  And if i don't change things soon i'm going to end up being tortured by Kevin Spacy for a year as the slob i am and to be honest, i'll deserve it
But yeah i'm sorry to start this weekend off on a downer, especially when i know you all come to me each week to either laugh or learn or maybe both.  And i could have just lied and made this another "hangover" blog where i talked about partying and boozing and blazing and $hit like that.  But i honestly think my readers can tell when i just phone it in, and i just didn't have the energy to do that this time.  Jesus, i don't even have the energy to phone a blog in? How lazy can i f*cking be?  i've had it with this gddamn funk i'm in!  It's f*cking Friday and i'm done with this old funk.  So let's all try to snap out of it, let's get ready for this weekend and the big game, and if we're gonna still be in a funk then we might as well make it the machine gun funk motherf*ckers!  All i want is bitches, big booty bitches!


- Did you know that someone has created the perfect trap to catch white girls?  You DIDN'T?!?  Well lucky for you i'm here to teach as well as make you laugh, so study this next picture hard because it may very well help you catch your very own white girl one day!
And yeah i might have done that bit recently but i don't remember for sure and even more importantly i don't care, it's funny!

The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME!  So as smart as i am i will never figure out why schools torture EVERYBODY by having children play recorders.  Most of these rugrats  are barely potty trained and/or can speak complete sentences, but for some reason we feel it necessary to hand them the noisiest and most obnoxiously annoying instrument on the planet!  But not for Svetlana, a woman who has turned this terrible kids flute into a pole of beautiful music perfect for her soft lips. Which is why today i present to you, Svetlana Gruebbersolvik and "My Lips are for Blowing!"
- So is everyone enjoying Season Dos of "VHS Breakdown" now on YouTube?  You are?  Well isn't that Jim Dandy!  Anyways if you missed it we recently put up Episode 3, "Weird Science" which is one of my favorite 80's movies of all time yet it's not one of our most watched episodes.  What gives people?  Watch it now and tell me why you all hate it so gddamn much!!!

Fast Food Tips - Every decade or so there is a fast food innovation that rocks our world to it's greasy, unhealthy core.  At one point in our lives the McGriddle was born, and my arteries and colon were never the same during breakfast hours again. 
Not to be outdone KFC introduced the "Double Down," a bacon and cheese sandwich with two pieces of fried chicken for bread.  And to be honest i always thought "Double Down" was a perfect name, as you were truly doubling down on your bad decisions to eat one of these monstrosities. 
And now, here in 2015, i would like to present to you the "Double Down Dog," the newest creation from KFC that puts a hot dog covered in cheese inside a bun size piece of fried chicken.  Which is perfect for any of you that would eat a hot dog and think to yourself, "You know what this hot dog needs?  Fried Chicken!"  Which let's be honest, we've ALL thought that before!  Currently this item is only available in the Philippines which means that Jay John is the only person we know that has tried it yet.  But it's nice to know that whenever it gets to the States that we will all salute this new true American hero! 
And that's it for me today kids!  i'll be back here next Friday with an all new blog, and hopefully with an all new attitude as well.  i hope you guys are digging this once a week nonsense for now, i know it's half the goodness and ha ha's per week but it's really helping me out so i do appreciate it.

But have a great weekend, let's go Seahawks, and most importantly let's go all the unhealthy double down dogs i'm going to shove that my face hole all Super Bowl!  

Cya Friday!  Follow @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Friday, January 23, 2015

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired. - George Carlin


What is up kids?

i'll tell you what's up, it's gddamn FRIDAY!  And i'm so f'n happy it's here, thank God it's TGIF!   Although i do have to admit my Friday nights have changed a LOT since i first started this blog a few years ago.  Normally by the time most of you got around to reading this i would be at least 7 beers deep, eating fried appetizer specials at a happy hour hoping i'd end up at my place playing beer pong and ordering a late night pizza until i was passed out pantsless on my basement floor covered in puke and shame and stale Natty light using a greasy meat lover's Sicilian slice from Tommy Turvino's as my pillow.  You know, the good old days!
Unfortunately now i'm old as F*CK, plus i don't get out of work until 8 pm on Friday nights.  Which means by 9 i'm in my pajamas with a bottle of wine on the couch with my girl on the couch watching "The Soup" until i pass out before Midnight despite the fact that i'm off on Saturdays and i really SHOULD stay up partying because it's the only weekend night that i'm able to do so.  Although i guess it's good i go to bed early tonight since i have to go to Home Depot this Saturday.  And who knows, maybe i'll stop by Bed Bath and Beyond, but i don't know if i'll have enough time!  And by the way, this joke is really f'd up because i really did go to Home Depot last Saturday, and again yesterday!  Someone f'n kill me! 

Except don't kill me, because even though i'm an aging lame ass i'm still having the greatest time in this life ever. i mean i have to say that i've always fought the idea of "growing up," especially in my 20's. Okay fine and my 30's.  But i never wanted to stop partying just because i'm "supposed" to be more mature, and the idea of giving up drinking and boozing my face off to no end was something i hated. Now i have no problem spending a Friday night going to bed early, but when i was younger i used to not even shower to get ready to go out until 10, and then i'd hit the bar by 11 or midnight.  Then i'd make sure to stop by Wendy's at 4 am and then sleep until 3 pm on Saturday.  Whatever happened to that fun life?  When did i turn into a golden girl?
i don't know when this change happened, but i'm here to tell you that i'm okay with it.  The fact that it just gradually happened to me and i wasn't forced into it makes a huge difference, because once people tell me i HAVE to do something i will always fight that just because.  Call me John Locke because no one tells me what to do!  And whatever, if i'm going to be a Golden Girl i can always be that slutty one who bangs a lot and eats a ton of cheese cake cause that sounds money to me.  Thank you for being a friend! 


- So if you don't watch football i really feel bad for you, because that Seahawks/Packers game last Sunday was about as incredible of a game as you will ever see in your life, in any sport.  i mean fake field goals, onside kicks, and scoring 15 points in less then a minute?  That game was f*cking insanity!  Although i did see people giving $hit to the Seahawks fans who left the game early, because those non believers ended up missing what may be the greatest comeback of all time.
But i disagree.  Not with the comeback being the best but with people who make fun of those who left the game early.  Has anyone tried to get out of a parking lot after a football game?  It LITERALLY takes hours, and when your team just lost a playoff game that can turn to MURDEROUS hours quickly.  Who wants to be stuck in terrible traffic in a parking lot all night in rainy cold weather after your team just lost?  No one, that's who. 
 So yeah it would be nice to stay the entire time and watch your team come back an win, but if you're someone who hates losing and traffic as much as i do i can understand wanting to just get the f*ck out of there.  Besides, tailgating is the most important part of going to any football game so as long as you did that i consider your job done.  And you also just paid over a hundred beans for a ticket.  i say you can leave the stadium whenever the f*ck you want!

And oh yeah, before i go i just want to say, HEY PACKERS...
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - So like any decent human being i support gay rights, and i for one couldn't be happier to see all the rapid progress that their cause has achieved even in just these last few years.  i think it's absurd that gay marriage is not recognized in every state in America yet, and it's a disgrace that there are even less LGBT laws protecting gay people in the work place.  Being Gay is obviously how you are born and not a "choice," and it's about time everyone realized this and started acting that way.

That being said, toys like these for little kids can't help.  And i'm not saying it's a bad thing if you're a parent and you WANT your kid to be gay, i'm just saying there has to be more subtle ways then getting them toys like this...
A Great Name for a Punk Band! "The Smart Alecs"

The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME!  So i've gotten a pretty incredible reception from a LOT of people who are loving this brand new bit!  And by "a LOT" i mean my girlfriend said she thought it was pretty funny.  And by "new" i mean all you have to do is look up "Worst album covers of all time" on Google and pretty much figure out what covers i'm going to be making fun of next.

But lucky for me you're all too lazy to do that, so with that being said let's get to our next nominee for Greatest Album Cover of All Time!  This one goes out to Jay John, who must be getting pretty pissed that all of the nominees so far have been for "white" artists.  But much like the Academy Awards i'm going to claim that this was all just a coincidence, and also just like the Academy Awards i'm going to nominate one black person and consider myself redeemed!  Which is why today i present to you one of the most HARDCORE rappers of all time,  Devistatin' Dave the Turntable Slave and "ZIP ZAP RAP!"
Fast Food Tips - i don't know what's going on with chicken nuggets these days but apparently fast food restaurants can't get rid of these $hits fast enough.  From Burger King offering 10 nuggets for $1.49 or McDonalds offering 50 nuggets for $10 something fishy seems to be going on with these nuggets.  And by "fishy" i mean i think they are serving us rotten fish meat instead of actual chicken. 
But whatever, a good deal is a good deal and if i can shove a Hamilton worth of nuggets down my disgusting throat then i'm going to do it.  Besides, i hear they have this great new dipping sauce called "pink slime" that sounds amazing!  But rumor has it that most of us have tried it already and didn't even know...
And that's it for me today kids!  And i have to say i'm digging this once a week blogging stuff so i'll be back again next FRIDAY for an all new blog!  i don't know if i'm making this permanent yet but for now once a week is all you're gonna be lucky enough to have of me.  So enjoy you're weekend and i'll cya next Friday!

Cya, follow @migueljose_85 on Twitter and

Friday, January 16, 2015

Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity. - Martin Luther King


What is up kids?

So you should all know by now that i HATE talking about anything serious on a Friday blog.  Mostly because everyone should be getting ready for happy hour and/or doing massive amounts of drugs while celebrating the fact that it's the weekend.  i mean for REAL kids, Friday is the time to find out what comes before Part B.  And if you don't know the answer to that little riddle i'll give you a hint... it's Part AAAAAAAAAAY!
And i also know everyone HATES talking about politics, which is the main reason no one went out to vote during the midterm elections.  Unfortunately that is also the reason we now have a Republican majority in both the House and Senate, and even more unfortunately this is also the main reason that we are F*CKED as a country.  Because unless people start to pay attention to what's happening in our government, we run the risk of zzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZ...

NO!  DON'T FALL ASLEEP ON ME NOW!!  Even though i know that most of you would rather shove shards of glass in your earballs then listen to anyone talk about politics let alone yours truly.  Although do any of you realize that's how the people in power want you to feel?  They want you to be bored and uninterested when politics are brought up, this way no one pays attention, no one stays educated on what's really happening, and all of the rich and powerful men who run this country can keep doing whatever they want while the rest of us don't notice because we hate politics.

Case in point, do ANY of you know what the Republican party has been up to lately now that they run both houses of Congress? Well the first "issue" they took up was relaxing and pulling back all of the restrictions that we put on the banks and Wall Street after the 2008 financial collapse.  You know, the collapse where they almost bankrupted our country and the only reason they didn't was because our government bailed them out and put in rules to make sure it didn't happen again.  But who cares if our entire country almost went under?  Wall Street and these shady banks pay TONS of money to buy our congress members, so OF COURSE the first thing they want to do is make it easier for these banks to start giving out shady loans again and not be held responsible when everything goes bad.  Although to be honest why wouldn't these a$$hole Republicans do this?  They know they can get away with it because no one in this country f*cking cares or pays attention or gives a $hit.  So you might as well blatantly work for the companies that pay you and not the people you're supposed to represent if no one gives a f*ck anyway! 
Or how about the fact that funding for the Department of Homeland Security (you know, the agency that helps protects us) is going to run out next month?  It would seem that in such dangerous times that we might want to fund that agency, especially with everything going on with ISIS and the attacks in France recently.  So now that Republicans run both the House and the Senate did you think they would pass a bill that funds this agency to help protect our country?  You're gddamn right they did!  But when doing so they also attached extra laws that would negate the progress President Obama made on immigration this past year and undo the Executive actions he took to help the families and children of illegal immigrants. 

"But miguel, what does President Obama's executive orders on immigration have to do with our National Security? Why are Republicans attaching the two unrelated things?"   They're doing it because the American public is uniformed, uneducated, and doesn't pay attention.  But most importantly, they do it because they can get away with ANYTHING.  And when the Democrats don't help to pass this bull$hit bill the Republicans will yell and point at them and say "They don't want to fund Homeland security!  They don't care about protecting the American people and their liberty!  Democrats are unpatriotic and hate our country!"

And you know what?  Most of the mainstream public will hear this garbage and agree with it.  Because the public are uniformed, uneducated, and they don't give a f*cking $hit.   These lying sacks of Republican horse excrement will keep helping out big banks and wall street because that's who they are paid by, and they will do even shadier $hit like attaching immigration reform to National Security funding.  And they do this because they don't give a f*ck about protecting the country or making America safer.  If they did they would pass a clean bill that funds the Department of Homeland Security and that would be it.  Everyone would vote yes on that clean bill, and hopefully our country would end up safer because of it.  But instead, all they really care about is undoing ANYTHING this black President has done, and if it means combining immigration reform to the security of America then f*ck it let's do that! Because once again, no one cares, no one pays attention, and no one gives a $hit. 
But i do.  And even if i can't get any of you interested in these issues that matter to all of us i can at least do my job to educate you all on how you're being f*cked by Congress.  You can choose to stay uninvolved if you want, as that is the right of every American to be lazy and do nothing and pay attention to nothing.  But before you start your weekend of boozing and blazing i felt it was my duty to bring to your attention the BULL$HIT that is going on.  And since i know most of you are still laughing at the fact that i said "duty" just now i'll just quit while i'm behind and get to the nonsense already!


- It's Flashback Friday, and while that is a ridiculous holiday (especially when we already have Throwback Thursday) it is also a great excuse to show to you our VHS Breakdown review of the John Hughes classic, "Weird Science!"  Watch it again or for your first time ever, and if you're poppin your cherry with this episode i promise i'll be gentle!  Especially with my comedy creampie finish!
- So i know this happened last weekend, but i was just so darn happy and excited about this next story that i forgot to post it on my blog!  But despite the refs giving them an undeserved victory by not calling a BLATANT pass interference penalty against Detroit, the refs were unable to help the hapless Cowboys against the Packers in their loss last Sunday.  Which means now Jerry Jones and Chris Christie get to cry and tug each other's small penises in the owner's box by themselves because the Cowboys are out of the playoffs!  So to Jerry, Christie, Romo, Dez, and everyone else who roots for "America's" Team, i would personally like to say to each and every one of you...

A Great Name for a Punk Band!  "The Damn Skippies"

The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME!  As amazing and fantastic as this next nominee is, it is definitely the one that leaves us with the most questions.  Why is Julie so sad?  Who is this guy trying to console Julie and what did he just tell her?  Why is she staring at that shady half filled glass of beer?  And is this in fact a picture of the worst Sweet Sixteen birthday party EVER?   We may never know the answers to these questions, but one thing we do know is that this is one of the greatest album covers of all time.  So i gladly present to you, John Bult and "Julie's Sixteenth Birthday!" 
Fast Food Tips -  Are you a vegetarian?  Do you hate your colon and stomach?  Are you a big fan of painting the inside of your toilet bowl fun and interesting new colors?   If you answered "yes" to one or more of these questions then urine luck!  Because White Castle has just introduced their new "Veggie Sliders", which are tiny veggie burgers made with carrots, zucchini, peas, spinach and broccoli on a tiny bun, topped with honey mustard, ranch or Thai sauce.  Which is great, because now when i want to eat SUPER healthy i can just order a crave case of veggie sliders and i'll FEEL the healthiness running through my body and through my butthole! i love being a vegan!
And that's it for me today kids!  i  hope everyone has a great long holiday weekend, and speaking of which i'm going to take a little holiday myself.  So there will be NONE new blog this Tuesday, but i will be back next Friday with an all new hilarious blog! Hopefully with less politics and bull$hit but with these whack job Republicans in charge you never know.  

Although real quick before i bounce, i'd just like to make it clear i don't consider myself a Democrat" despite the fact i bash these Repubs relentlessly.  i definitely agree with more Democratic ideas but i will never join a "team" as far as my politics go.  i will just stay an Independent and make whatever choices on the issues i gddamn please. 

But thank you for reading, and please tell your friends about this blog and PLEASE come back next Friday for an all new blog and all new comedy!

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

By letting go of what you thought was going to happen in your life you can enjoy what is actually happening. - Taylor Negron


What is up kids?

So before we get started today, did everyone read my previous blog?  If you didn't you should, i really think it's some of my best work of the year!  "It's 2015 jerkface, you've only written two blogs so far!"  That's the joke buddy, i'm glad you caught on so fast.  But yeah my last blog about "Je Suis Charlie" was no joke and you should go back and read it if you haven't!

But anyways it's a new week, a new blog, and a new year for that matter.  Although is it just me or does 2015 seem like more of an extension of 2014 then it does a brand new year?  i don't know, sometimes when a new year starts it feels like a fresh beginning. But so far i feel like i'm in the same rut and mindset that i was to end last year, at least as far as having all of the same problems with money and bills and all of that bull$hit.
And it really f*cking sucks, because these money troubles go back as long as i can remember.  Not trouble "being the money," because we all know that isn't the issue.  But i can even remember being a little kid and my parents giving me money to go get hair cuts by myself.  It was at Dicks barbershop at the corner of Madison and Washington Ave in Dumont, and they would give me enough duckets for the hair cut and a dollar or two for tip.  And sometimes when i was done i would pay the barber, but i would also keep 1 or both of the dollars that my parents gave me to tip him with and instead keep it for myself.  And by "sometimes" i mean almost every time.  And yeah it seems like a classless move, but first of all i wasn't even double digits in age yet .  But more importantly i wanted some Atomic Fireball candies! And can you blame me?  Not only were they delicious, but Fireballs were also only 5 cents.  Which meant i could get 25 of them for the dollar that should have been a tip, and the yummyness of that candy was enough to erase any guilt i had for stealing money from my barber!

"Hey ahole, if that candy was 5 cents you'd only be able to get 20 of them for a dollar not 25! Learn to count!"  Again, that was the joke guy.  Too bad you were so busy rushing to try and point out my mistakes instead of realizing i was setting you up just to make fun of you.  But anyways, i was totally thinking about what a dirtbag thieving basterd i was when i was younger and i've realized that i'm still as broke as i was when i was a skinny Mexican 8 year old who looked liked a brown Q-tip. And it'd be nice to think that by 2015 i'd finally be more comfortable in my financial situation.  But whatever, i am still super happy in my life, and as far as i can tell i'm relatively healthy as are all of my friends and loved ones and that's all you can ask for i guess.  And anyways, it's just money.  And the fact that so many of our lives revolve around nothing but that is definitely pretty sad, although not as sad as a little Hispanic kid stealing from his barber.   
But yeah before i end this rant i guess i can let those of you who are wondering know that i don't still straight rape my barber by stealing his money and that i'm a much better tipper now.  In fact, i always tip at least 5 beans for my haircuts despite the fact that my dome is mad easy to cut and it only takes 6 or 7 minutes to do, tops.  Although maybe i should only tip 4 beans and save a dollar every time until i've saved up enough to buy a bottle of Fireball Whiskey.  Then the circle of life would be complete!  Hakuna Matata bitches!

- So i watched some of the Golden Globes last night but holy tap dancing Christballs are those $hits BORING as hell!  It's so tame and non controversial and it's basically watching all of the Hollywood elite going down on each other and polishing both their trophies and their asses as they kiss it in public.  And i thought Tina and Amy were pretty decent as hosts, but they're literally only on stage for 8 minutes out of an 11 hour show so they're barely on it anyway.  For real, why make such a big deal out of who's hosting when they only get to make 6 or so jokes, tops?  And when are these aholes who run these shows gonna stop giving all of the dumb awards that no one cares about all of the screen time in the beginning of the broadcast, and then when all of the big name actors and movie categories that we actually care about finally have a chance to talk they get extremely rushed at the end?  And why not make the entire plane out of the black box?
A Great Name for a Punk Band!  "The Knuckle Heads" 

The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME! So as much as i loved the album "Joyce" by Joyce on my last blog, today's album cover might take the cake.  And by take the cake i mean this might be THE BEST ALBUM COVER OF ALL TIME!  Which makes sense because it is the name of the bit and all.  But anyways, without further Apu, here is "Ken: By Request Only" 
"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE - i feel like the driving age and the legal age of consent for sex should be the same age.  All of you can debate what that age is, so feel free to do so. But my point is, if a girl can legally drive to my house to feel my Hispanic Hammer then i feel like i should be legally allowed to have sexual intercourse with her.  How does this not already make sense to everybody?  If anything i think the driving age should be older then the age of consent.  For real you don't have to be that responsible to have sex, it's just a P in the V for crying out loud.  It's been going on and getting down since the beginning of time so it can't be that big of a deal.

And between contraception and my pattened move of pulling out i feel like i'm plenty responsible in the bedroom.  But anyways who cares, how people are in their bedroom doesn't affect me at all.  Your dumb ass out on the roads behind the wheel of a large vehicle however, that on the other hand is a big responsibility.  And all i'm saying is that if you can handle the responsibility of driving a car, then you should be able to handle my big beefy burrito.  Or at least try to...
Fast Food Tips - If you like free tacos but LOVE free diarrhea then you're in luck!  Because for the month of January Taco Bell is offering FREE Doritos Locos tacos to anyone who orders from their app!  And yes if you read my blog you know i'm not a big fan of these tacos because it's not a "real" Doritos taco but a regular taco with Dorito flavoring.  But if you do read this blog you also know i'm cheaper then a frugal Jew on Extreme Couponing and would jump at the chance to get a free burrito!  Well maybe not jump, because i'm also obese and don't move much hence me wanting Taco Bell.  But get the app, get a free Doritos Locos taco and use the money you saved on some soft toilet paper because you're gonna need it!

And relax my gentile boys and girls, i don't really think all Jews are cheap and frugal.  i used a stereotype there because i'm a lazy writer and i was going for a cheap laugh.  Plus one of my best friends is Jewish, and if my old pal Penny Bagelstein doesn't get mad at my Jewish jokes then you shouldn't either!
And that's it for me today kids! i hope everyone has a great week, and i hope it ends better then it started!  And even if it doesn't, thank you for reading and i'll cya on Friday with an all new blog!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Friday, January 9, 2015

(The) real reason religoius people are offended by what others say about their religion is because they think they might be right. #JeSuisCharlie - Cenk Uygur, TYT Network


What is up kids?

Well it's Friday, and thank f'n Christballs because it's been a STRANGE week my friends.  Did anyone else have a week like that?  And i don't necessarily mean it was bad per se, although it most definitely wasn't great.  i just mean that everything felt a little bit off in all areas.  People everywhere just acting a little different, everything at work just seems weird, drivers out on the road are a little more annoying then usual.  It's f*cking cold as balls out and my motivation to do anything is even lower then usual.  We've got no jobs, we've got no food, our pets HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!
And then this terrorist attack happened in France over a cartoon drawing of Mohammad in a satirical magazine which led to the killing of 12 innocent people.  And stuff like this really makes me question my ties to the human race, because the fact that people could be so outraged over a silly drawing of their invisible God to the point where they need to murder other human beings is just alien to me.  "Oh yeah?  Well that's funny coming from an illegal alien!" Touche douche bag.  

One thing i'm not going to do though is condemn all Muslims, because that to me seems like a bull$hit move.  i try to not judge people as a group in general, because i've always been more interested in individuals then i am the groups that they are associated with.  And for real, why judge all Muslims as a group when we know that there is a much larger percentage of them that just believe in love and peace and would never agree with terrorist acts like this?  It would be like judging America by certain racist, woman/minority/poor people hating Tea Party members who are usually also the loudest people in politics.  People from other countries could see all of the hate and ignorance that these maniacs perpetuate and think that all Americans are like that, and that's the same way we're judging all Muslims by the act of a few, not just those individual lunatics.  And that doesn't seem fair to me, because i would never want to be considered the same type of species as these mentally challenged wastes of sperm, let alone from the same country. #Notinmyname
But whatever, i hope they catch all of these motherf*ckers, i hope they rot in the hell i don't believe in, i hope the families and friends of those lost can find some solace in their heroism, and i hope people who are braver then me keep writing and drawing controversial $hit because we need WAY more of that on this planet.  People need to stop following all of the rules and being scared of acting different from everyone else.  Because when it comes down to it all of the rules that we are told to follow, from our parents, to our schools, our churches, our government and our God, all these rules were written by men.  ALL OF THEM.  And as far as i know there hasn't been a perfect person yet, so to consider ANY laws created by men infallible is just ridiculous to me.

So have some fun this weekend kids.  Break some rules, don't get so easily offended by everything, and give respect to those that lived and died by that code.   We could all only hope to be as brave as these people were.  


 - So is there really something called "Gay Vampires" that only drink only boner blood or am i just making that up?  Haha sorry about that.  My rant got a little serious there before and i wanted to take it down a notch.  It's Random Nonsense for crying out loud!  

A Great Name for a Punk Band! "The Hubba Hubbas"

And speaking of great bands, i'd also like to show to you...

The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME! "Um, what the hell are "album covers you old basterd?"  Is this 1970?  Forget albums grandpa, i illegally download everything!  Jeez, will you get off of my case already?  It's a brand new year, give me a hot second before you start busting my balleens so badly.  And will you at least look at the album cover i'm showing you before you condemn this bit?  It's the self titled album from the amazing "Joyce" who i personally consider the original Beyonce.  Judge for yourself! 
God that is SO good on so many levels.  And yes, that is my screen saver at work right now!

"Facebook Etiquette"-  So i'm hoping anyone that reads my blog is smart enough to have not fallen for this next garbage on Facebook.  And if you did fall for this then you should go back and read all of my past blogs until you start to realize the amount of nonsense and bull$hit that goes on this world and then maybe won't be so gullible to think that just because something was printed on the interwebs that it's automatically Gospel. 

But anyways, if you've seen this nonsense from any of your friends on FB make sure you tell them to take it down and reassess their lives because this is as poor as it gets.

"As of Jan. 5, 2015 at 10:50 a.m. Eastern standard time, I do not give Facebook or any entities associated with Facebook permission to use my pictures, information, or posts, both past and future. By this statement I give notice to Facebook it is strictly forbidden to disclose, copy, distribute or take any other action against me based on this profile is private and confidential information. The violation of privacy can be punished by law (UCC 1-308-11 308-103 and Rome statute). NOTE: Facebook is now a public entity. All members must post a note like this. If you prefer, you can copy and paste this version. If you do not publish this statement at least once it will be tactically allowing the use of your photos, as well as information contained in the profile status updates. DO NOT SHARE you MUST copy and paste to make this I will leave a comment so it will be easier to copy and paste!!!"   

Please tell me you weren't one of those people that fell for this and posted it.  PLEASE!

Fast Food Tips - Since i'm dropping a ton of knowledge on all of you today now seems like a good time to ask if all of you know what "Fromunda" cheese is?  As a food connoisseur i would expect that most people know their cheeses, but if you didn't know Fromunda cheese is a soft, pungent cheese that you won't find in any stores.  In fact, there is only one place that you can get Fromunda cheese, and that's Fromunda deez nuts!!
And that's it for me today kids!  Even as i'm finishing this up there are more hostage situations going on in France, and if i could say anything to 2015 i would say you're really not getting off to a great start guy!

But i hope everyone has a great weekend, i hope everyone comes back on Tuesday for an all new blog, and i hope one day people stop using an invisible God to carry out their horrific actions on the rest of us, especially those who were just bringing a little laughter into this world that truly needs it.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Resolutions? ME?? Just what are you implying? That i need to CHANGE?? Well buddy, as far as I'M concerned, I'm perfect the way I am! - Calvin "Calvin and Hobbes"


Happy New Year kids!

It's 6 days into 2015, which means it's been 5 days since i've broken all of my new years resolutions!  And that kinda sounds pretty poor until you realize that's double the amount of time i made it before i broke all of my 2014 new years resolutions.  With this rate of progress i'll be able to make it through almost the entire month of January without breaking any of my new years resolutions by the year 2095! 
And yes, i still make New Year's resolutions.  i know a lot of people don't do so and/or think they are stupid.  Mostly because they figure why wait until it's a new year to make improvements about something you would like to change about yourself?  Don't put off giving up smoking, or losing weight, or being nicer to people and not be such a judging a$$hole.  Don't put all of that $hit off, do it NOW!
But whatever, i'm a fan of making new years resolutions.  In fact i'm a fan of anything people do to try to make themselves better, no matter what the reason is.  Especially because most people seem to just get to a certain point in their lives and figure they don't need to change or grow as a person anymore. They know what they like and that's it!  But not me, i'm constantly trying to get better and smarter.  "And fatter!"  Yes and fatter.  But not on purpose!  "Oh, so you shove disgustingly unhealthy food down your obese throat night after night by accident?"

Alright guy, i get it.  But my point is who cares if these are just new years resolutions that people are going to fail/give up on immediately?  At least they are TRYING, and i'll always give people credit for that.  So good luck to all of you that are at least trying to be a better person!  And if you didn't make any new years resolutions you can always follow Neil deGrasse Tyson's life advice because the world would be a better place if we all did! 


- Now i know i do this bit at the beginning of every year, but a lot you have the attention span of a 5 year old with a severe ADD who just finished a case of Red Bull so i'm going to remind you all about this AGAIN!  But it's the new year which means NOW is the time to go out and buy yourself a 2015 calendar because they are all 50% off everywhere!  Hopefully you listened to me last year and you didn't waste money buying a calendar in December for FULL price when you could have just waited a hot second and bought one for half off now.

And yeah i know you could always just check your phone, your computer, your laptop, your Ipad, the television, your iWatch, and/or your Google glasses to find out what day it is.  But none of that stuff asks me Simpsons trivia on a daily basis, so i'm still gonna go out and buy calendars because i'm an old out of date f*ck!  Well i guess not out of date because like i said i'm getting a brand new calendar...
- If you haven't already heard about this on our VHS BREAKDOWN FACEBOOK PAGE, Season DOS of VHS Breakdown will now be available on OUR YOUTUBE PAGE!  Starting with our Season Premier and just an all around epic episode, "The Karate Kid part II."  Watch and share with your friends! And enemies!
- So in my last blog i made a point of recaping 2014 and talking about all of the important news stories of the year.  But did anyone notice that i missed the most important story of them all?  And that's People Magazine declaring Miss Kate Upton as the sexiest woman alive! 
But can i tell you all a secret kids?  i think i'm starting to get over her.  It's not that she doesn't make my penis go "booWHIP!"  Because i'm a male and i do still have a pulse.  All i'm saying is that while i'm not totally over it i'm kinda over it, and yes it's probably because she's getting close to hitting "the Wall."  i don't want to be superficial and say that what it is, but i also don't want to be a liar and not say it.  So well done People Magazine, you got 2014 on point.  It might be time for a new queen in 2015 though, this Kate Upton chic is a little 2000 and late...

A Great Name for a Punk Band! - "The Dirt Cheaps"

"OLD SCHOOL" NONSENSE -Does everyone know you can't order a "Long Island Iced Tea" in Massachusetts?  No, not just because they hate the Yankees so much that Boston would probably be gay and do something like that.  It's because there is too much liquor in a LIT, and apparently people from Mass can't handle that much booze in their vaginas.  And oh yeah, they are also not allowed to have "Happy Hours" either.  Well not for alcohol anyway, they are allowed to have discounted food prices.  But they aren't allowed to sell discounted liquor of any kind, so they can never have any happy hour deals in that state.  "Whoo hoo go Saux!"  Your accent and your alcohol policies are wicked gay, and you'll never be as cool or as tough as New York.  ESPECIALLY because your bars close at 1 am and in New York they are open all night baby!  Oh and our Giants QB owns your Patriots QB, just sayin...
And that's it for me today kids!  Only a few more blogs to go to before i hit 365, and i can PROMISE you i'll have something planned for that milestone!  i don't have anything in mind now, but i promise i will at some point!

But i hope everyone has a great week, a better year, and thanks for joining "Here Comes the Money..." again in 2015!